The Girl in the Window

Amara looked like an Ethiopian queen, like the ones you would see on the tomb paintings in Egypt or Ethiopia itself. She was all decked out in gold and cream with hints of raspberry red. Her hair designs were freshly cut and she had a pretty band around her head made of gold and raspberry beads. Skin fresh as brewed coffee right from the coffee beans in Madagascar. Light gold makeup accenting her large, brown eyes. Her jewelry looked royal made hand-crafted gold. Beautiful bangles of variety. Then gold necklace. A loose cream top that dipped down, teasing some cleavage and came together at the bottom with spandex. She had raspberry jeggings with a dangling waist belt, and some gold flat shoes. It was like the Ethiopian queen came to America so she dressed down to our standards but kept some of her royal style intact.

“Damn Amara,” I said as I sat down. “You look good.” She smiled.

“Thank you.”

“So what’s good? Who you tryna impress today, Darnell?” She laughed.

“Not really.”

“Don’t lie, deep down you know you are.” She just laughed. I took that as a yes. I turned around to see if Lorraine was at her table. She was sitting there alone, obviously looking lonely. If she came over I wondered what dumb shit she would say.

“I wonder what Lorraine would say if she came over here,” I said.

“Oh yeah, you wanna leave?”

“Nah. Even if she did say something, I would laugh and slay that bitch to death ‘cause that bitch fried as fuck.” I turned towards Amara. “‘Sides, you made my day. She can’t fuck it up.” Right on cue, Godzilla’s ugly step sister felt too much like a loser to sit all by herself so she got up and walked our direction. As soon as she got to us, she did that terrible poke to get my attention.

“What?” I asked rudely, turning around. Then I saw her eye Amara up and down with jealousy burning in her eyes then she snarled.

“Damn bitch, you still ain’t learn to stay out the sun?” she said. I laughed.

“Das all you got? Jokes bought her skin? Why do you come ova here to talk to me, then end up talkin’ shit ‘bout her?”

“‘Cause, she absorb all the light.” Then Lorraine laughed. Surprisingly, so did Amara. Lorraine didn’t like that. “Bitch I just slayed you, why you laughing?”

“Because, you are smarter than I thought. Darker colors do absorb more light. And because…,” she laughed some more, “your track is falling out.” Lorraine quickly fished though her hair for the loose track and came up with the track itself. When I saw the track in her hand, I died laughing. She was so embarrassed that she contemplated going back to her seat but decided she would look even more like a loser.

“Shade, you can’t be talkin’, you wear yo’ hair the same everyday.”

“Oh shit but guess what, it’s my hair.”

“Well that bitch ain’t got hair.”

“Didn’t you hear? She cut it off so you could have some.” Amara and I both laughed. Amara tried to hold back but I was laughing to my full potential. “But I guess that shit ain’t working out. What you got now, ‘bout two strands of hair left? I got some DoGro at home that you can borrow.” We kept coming with the laughs while she thought of a come back.

“Ain’t nobody want her nappy hair,” she said, a weak comeback.

“I would if I had carpet for hair.”

“Bitch, at least I don’t eat carpet.” I stopped laughing, so did Amara. “Don’t act like I ain’t know you was bi. I could see that shit from a mile away.” But I smirked which she didn’t expect.

“You might as well be eatin’ carpet ‘cause we all know no nigga wanna fuck wit’ you wit’ them herpes you got.” Her face went blank. She was put on blast. “Yeah, I’ll go there if you gonna go there. You ain’t never gonna get a nigga to want yo ass.”

“Bitch, you prolly got herpes too.”

“Nah, I know for a fact that I ain’t got that shit.” Her face turned from a frown to a sulk. Then it looked like she was going to cry. For a second, I was about to feel bad for her. But then I remembered the time before we were “friends” and she almost made me want to cry because she talked about my eye so badly and every other thing I wasn’t proud of. However, I wasn’t mean enough to continue to insult her.

“Whatever, Shade,” she said before she left. I watched as she walked to the bathroom.

“Oh shit, I think we hurt her feelings,” Amara said.

“She was more of a bitch to me before. I was bein’ nice.”

“Does she really have herpes?”

“Yeah.”

“How you know?”

“She fuck wit’ this dude named Kenan. Everyone knew but her that Kenan got herpes and Lorraine don’t use condoms. She do the pull out method. She crazy.”

“Oh, that really sucks. Do you use condoms?”

“Honestly, I don’t all the time. I should. Wanya the only one though who I don’t sometimes.”

“How do you know if he does not have an STD?”

“I don’t. I don’t think he does though. I honestly don’t even know if he has sex with any other girls. I never asked, he never told.”

“Oh. I’ve never had sex without protection. I don’t use birth control or anything like that so I have to use protection.”

“I have a personal question.”

“Go head.”

“Are you one of those bi-sexuals that need a guy and a girl?”

“No, not really. Why, are you?” I shrugged.

“Sometimes.”

“Why?”

“It’s the same thing. Sometimes a finger and tongue just doesn’t do it.”

“I see. Okay, to be honest, I sometimes want both too because of the way guys are compared to girls. You know, they act different and stuff.”

“Yeah, it’s the same with me.” The bell rang so we stood up to leave. She walked with me to my class. “Why you ask?” I looked at her and smiled.

“‘Cause I wanna know how you would feel if I dated you.”

“Oh,” she breathed, giggling. She grabbed my arm. “You have a change of heart?”

“I’ve been thinkin’ ‘cause you’ve been so wonderful.”

“Oh. I feel kinda special.”

“Yeah, you prolly should. I haven’t dated since I was like, twelve.”

“Was it one of the twenty three?”

“Nah, none of them. After I started fuckin’ the datin’ was over.”

“Why?” We reached the class. We were both late. No one was in the hallway.

“I’ll tell you later, after practice, maybe?”

“Yeah.” I pulled her into a one armed hug and kissed her on the forehead. She smiled like a bubbly middle school girl. I chuckled.

“See you later then.”

“Bye, Shade.” When I sat down in class, I felt like the middle school girl. Amara was heaven-sent. In the beginning, I never had high hopes for heaven but Amara was making me feel dumb. I had to have her, had to. But I didn’t know how to have her. What if I fucked up? How am I supposed to not to fuck up? Be loyal? Fuck, that was the hardest part. What if I wanted to fuck a guy and she didn’t approve?

Sasha walked into the classroom looking good with a smile on her face. She sat down and gave me a quick smile before taking out her phone to text.

“Wha’s up girl?” she asked. I smiled.

“What you so happy for?”

“I been thinkin’.”

“‘Bout what?”

“I think I’ma ask Amara to be my girlfriend.” My mind did a quick spin before it punched my heart.

“Why?”

“‘Cause I like Amara.”

“But…” I looked away. She waited for me to say more.

“What is it?” I started fiddling with my hands.

“I like Amara.” She sucked her teeth.

“But you said you weren’t datin’, member?”

“I know but I’ve been thinkin’ too. She’s special to me. Like how you got Darnell, I got Amara.” She did a half frown and looked at the blank screen on her phone.

“Can I at least ask her?”

“I mean, you’re going to if you want anyway.” She sighed.

“What if she says no?” I shrugged my shoulders.

“I mean, I like her too.”

“What if she says yes?” I looked down again, getting upset. The thought of her saying yes would kill me so much. There would be no way I could trust someone with my heart and love again. I would be twice crushed and too weak to try again. Or maybe at that time I was over exaggerating, but at that moment, it was how I turely felt.

“I don’t know,” I answered under my breath.

“Are you gonna cry?” I forced a petty laugh.

“No.”

“I don’t wanna hurt your feelings but I like her, you know—”

“I understand.”

“And it kinda sucks that you wouldn’t date me but you changed your mind about her.”

“‘Cause, I told you why.”

“Why?”

“She’s my close friend. I can tell her a lot without her judging.”

“I don’t judge.”

“Sasha… you said I was a ho. You call Darnell a ho. There aren’t many people I know that have that much sex with that many people jus’ ‘cause they like it.”

“Okay, sorry. Then why does Darnell?”

“I don’t know. Das your job to know.”

“He jus’ said it was ‘cause he liked it.”

“Yeah.” I doubted that was the truth on Darnell’s behalf but at that moment, I didn’t want to talk about Darnell.

“Okay, I’m sorry for real. I can understand now.” I didn’t want to make her feel bad but I wanted to ask her that if she knew I was close to Amara, why would she ask to date her anyway? But I hoped she would realize that on her own because I had no room to make someone feel guilty. Unfortunately, she didn’t.

“Well… I still kinda wanna ask her, if das okay.”

“It’s whatever.” I said feeling defeated.

The thought of Sasha asking to date Amara bothered me the whole day. I was so distracted that I could barely do my work. My day was consumed with thoughts about her and nothing could matter at the time. Thoughts of her haunted me. Every time I would open my journal to write, words for her is what came about. This feeling was terrible. Sickening. It was an incurable flu. Why is this happening to me? I thought.

Even Monroe seemed to notice it. He kept eyeing me. He saw that my pencil wasn’t moving on the sheet and I wasn’t getting anything done. It was obvious to him that my eyes were deceiving where my mind was.

“Shade?” he called. I slightly lifted my head, acknowledging that I was listening. “Are you okay?” he asked.

“Yeah, I’m good.” My lie was obvious to him.

“Well, I’m tryna write the review on this Frederick Douglas guy. I don’t know shit about him. Can you help me?” He was trying to distract me from whatever was on my mind.

“Yeah, but a review isn’t on a person, usually. Have you heard ‘bout his autobiography?”

“No-o, please help me.” And I did. We even went to the library together to check out the book. It’s a short book and Monroe was a fast reader so it wasn’t too much work. I even helped him take notes. For that time being, I was actually distracted.

Then I got a text. Monroe and I were still in the library taking notes. The text was from Sasha. It said: ‘Sorry I kinda wanna tell Amara I lyke her @ lunch. U want me 2 go to another table or somethin’?’ I sighed. Then I sent her a text.

‘Nah. Ill just move to another table.’

‘Ok. Sorry.”

‘U good. Stop apologizing.’

‘Kay.’ Monroe was watching me as I put up my phone but looked away as I looked up.

“Monroe, can I sit wit’ you at lunch?” He looked back up.

“Yeah, sure.”

“You said you sit alone, right?”

“Yeah, I do. Why do you want to though?”

“Jus’… some stuff came up.”

“Alright.” We continued to work on our (his mainly) reviews until it was time for lunch. Monroe let me follow him in the lunch line and to where he sat. He sat across the cafeteria and was only one table from the table I sat at which was separated by a large gap for a walkway. He sat on the other side of the table, facing the table I usually sat at. My back was to them. But when Amara and Sasha got to the table, I slightly shifted in my seat, trying to see them, but not make it so obvious. Monroe caught on though. I had to give it to him, he was smart and quick witted.

“One of them girls botherin’ you or something?” he asked. I looked at my tray of food.

“Nah,” I answered. There was a moment of silence.

“Well… in your journal of poems, I came across this one short poem named Rose.” I knew the poem, of course, so I blushed, feeling vulnerable. “Seemed kinda erotic, like you were talking ‘bout sex, but it seemed like you were talking ‘bout a girl.” I couldn’t think of a thing to say. Too many people were beginning to know my secret. Monroe would be number five. That was too many for my comfort. “Do you like one of them or somethin’?” he asked. I sighed, stirring through my spaghetti, uninterested.

“They’re my friends,” I answered.

“Then why aren’t you sittin’ with them today?” I frowned.

“Nothing.”

“So out of twenty three, the three intimate ones were girls?” I rested my face in my hand, looking down, and chuckled.

“You’re too smart for you own good.”

“Yeah, Molly said the same thing except she said I’ma know it all.”

“Molly’s dumb.”

“Yeah, I know. I was slightly ignorant myself though. But um… were you always bi?”

“I didn’t realize it until I was twelve.”

“So before you weren’t?”

“Like, I didn’t look at girls the same. I guess I got turned out, how ‘bout that.” He nodded his head. “You prolly think I’m a ho or something right now…” I was getting insecure.

“No. Nobody beats Molly. Like, she has no standards. She’d fuck any white guy she comes across. He can be ugly as fuck, abusive, or have a questionable STD, and she’s still fuck em. She’s had like, three abortions by now. She’s gonna abuse them, I know it.”

“Yeah, figured as much.” I looked behind me again to see what the two were doing. It was hard for me to tell because I couldn’t see their faces. But their body language was neutral.

“What about you?” I turned back around, asking Monroe.

“Me?” he asked?

“No, I was talking to my spaghetti.” He chuckled.

“Oh… uh…”

“You a virgin?”

“Ha, no.”

“It’s okay if you are.”

“I know, but I’m really not.

“So what, you have some ridiculous number?”

“No, you gonna give me time to answer?”

“Oh yeah, sure.” He thought about it for a little bit.

“I got four.”

“Oh, almost a sixth of mine.”

“Yeah… but I’ve only been wit’—”

“White girls? It’s obvious.”

“Yeah. What races have you been wit’?”

“All of ‘em except Asian. Mostly black or Hispanic. One white.”

“Why not Asian?”

“Don’t know any.”

“Does this include females too?”

“Yeah, but all the females I’ve been wit’ were black.” I turned again, not being able to help myself. From behind, I could see Amara smile. My heart buried itself deeper. I looked back at my food.

“From the looks of it, you must like one of them,” Monroe started to say. “Or you had sex with one or both of them, or it’s both. Judging Sasha’s personality—”

“You know her?”

“She’s in one of my classes. But from what I know about her, you must have had sex with her. I don’t know who the other girl is, but it seems like Sasha is interested in her. So you must be jealous or just upset. Then again, Sasha doesn’t seem to be your type and I’ve seen you talk to the other girl in the morning before, so you must like the other girl, but so does Sasha and you know that, so you wanted to get away from them. That part I don’t get.” It took me a while to respond or even look at him. I started to get angry, to be honest.

“Do you do this wit’ everyone?” I asked. Then I slowly looked up.

“No. But I finally was able to halfway guess what’s eating you. Most times you come in class lookin’ like you’ve seen hell and I have no idea why, but this time, I have a clue.” My hands went to my sides, eyes on the table. I didn’t know what to say, or what to do. I felt defeated and demoted to shit. Pure dog shit that had been lying in the sun and frequently visited by the rain for months. I feared so much about what was to come with Sasha and Amara. I didn’t want Amara to feel bad for saying yes, but I didn’t want her to.

“I’m sorry… Shade.”

“But you’re right.”

“About which parts?”

“All of it. But… Sasha, she’s askin’ to date Amara and I really like Amara.”

“Does Amara know?”

“Yeah.”

“So you’re lettin’ Sasha ask?”

“Yeah.”

“Why?”

“‘Cause, I’m not really ready for a relationship.”

“Why?”

“I don’t know…”

“Your hearts been broken…,” he said matter-of-factly.

“You know too much. I should have never given you that book.”

“What’s wrong? I’m not tryna hurt you. I just wanna help.”

“I don’t want your help.”

“Okay, I’m sorry.” I sighed, rethinking my attitude.

“I’m sorry, that was rude… I’m just…” I exhaled deeply. My hand covered my face as my eyes began to burn. I wasn’t going to cry though. “I just get so scared.”

“Of…?”

“Letting people close to me.”

“I get it. I get it all. So do I.”

“Yeah…” My focus was nonstop on the two of them. Things between them seemed to go betting than I hoped.

“You know, she was looking for you,” Monroe said.

“Who?”

“Amara. She kept looking around.”

“Oh, that makes me feel a little better but not a lot. I’m ‘sposed to talk to her later.”

“About?”

“Something other than this. Basically my issues with getting close to someone.”

“Oh, I see. Mine’s ‘cause I’m just like that, but I guess yours is from trauma or something.”

“You know, other than your education or on black people, you’re pretty damn smart. Like, what the fuck. Things just click wit’ you.” He chuckled.

“Yeah, but don’t give me so much credit. You’re the same. You just don’t say it like I do.”

“How do you know?”

“‘Cause, you were dead on about me an’ Molly.” I smiled, looking down. “When you do that, it… I don’t know.”

“Do what?”

“You just look down. You do it when you’re embarrassed, angry, happy, sad. You do it all the time. Why?”

“Don’t know.”

“Is it ‘cause of your eye?” When I really thought about it, it was true. Anytime I felt someone would look at my eyes more, especially when I was feeling a certain way, I wanted them not to see me, or my eye. It was an old bad habit of mine that still affected me subconsciously.

“Maybe.”

“Well, you shouldn’t. Your eyes are unique.”

“Oh.” I blushed, trying hard not to look down. The bell finally rang after what felt like a lifetime. A wise man knows that when waiting for time to pass, it passes longer. I hadn’t even eaten my spaghetti. I just threw it away. What I didn’t expect, though, was for Monroe to walk with me back to class. We talked casually and it was nice. He was really nice. I couldn’t believe how respectable he really was and how much of a difference it was from the first Monroe I knew.

But when we waited for the teacher to come back to open the door, Molly got a glimpse of our friend making. She was trying hard to hear what Monroe was smiling about. She had jealousy all over her face.

“Molly is mean muggin’ us,” I said. He halfway turned to look, but changed his mind.

“Yeah well, fuck her.”

“Still not over her?”

“No, I’m over her. She’s just ugly. I don’t know what I was thinking or if I was thinking.”

“She gon’ think we’re dating or somethin’ soon.”

“Well, let her. I don’t care.” Monroe kept his eyes on me as if he was trying to read my thoughts. Like he was trying to dissect my mind. Molly was still peeping and trying to listen to our silence.

“You know,” Monroe started to say. “I told her that I would never feel for a black person if I could help it.”

“Well, that’s nice to know,” I said sarcastically.

“I know. God, I was so stupid.” The teacher came and let us in the classroom. Monroe decided he wanted to sit next to me. “I can’t lie, I’m still slightly prejudiced against black people. Just not you.”

“Why’re you still prejudice?”

“‘Cause, it’s like, I don’t understand certain things still.”

“You want me to school you?”

“Yes, please. It feels so bad. I don’t wanna talk to black people or white people. At this point I hate ‘em all.”

“Okay, starting tomorrow.”

“Could it be outside of school? We’re always busy when we’re in school.”

“Sure thing.”

“So like, whose house?” I smirked, shaking my head. “Oh shit, that sounded bad.”

“It’s okay, I understand. I’m sure you’d like it better at your house.”

“Why not yours?”

“I live in the hood.”

“Oh… like the ghetto?”

“Nah, it’s one step above the ghetto.”

“Okay.”

“You okay wit’ that?”

“Sure but, I mean, my mom will accuse me of tryna… well… it’s different ‘cause you’re black.”

“Yeah so Saturday. We start wit’ the greatness an’ end wit’ the downfall. It only makes sense that way.”

“Cool beans.”

“Aight, but never say that again. Saturday at two.”

“You drive?”

“Nah. I’ll ask my, uh, fried for a ride.” I was referring to Darnell.

“Or I can give you a ride.”

“If you insist.” I gave him my address and my cell phone number.

“Don’t forget,” he added.

“Trust me, I won’t.”

Amaya had Amara’s picture printed out big and beautiful. It looked a lot better off of my phone and it was easier to see. It was wonderful. My board was completely gessoed and ready to be drawn on.

“Do you know how to do a scale drawing?” Amaya asked me. I nodded my head.

“Das my life saver.”

“Alright then.” I did the scale as precise as possible. It didn’t take me too long before I started drawing her. I started from the top of her head, making my way down. Every second I checked to make sure it was accurate. It was actually pretty good.

Amaya was working on the second layer of my faces. She always worked in layers when it came to painting faces. She would start with the main color of the face then go from light to dark. Watching her was slightly discouraging because she did everything so well with seemingly no effort. For me, everything came out mediocre.

I stopped drawing when I got to the details of her face like the eye, nose and lips. Amaya noticed.

“Look at the scale. That should help you.”

“Yeah but, i’s not small enough, the scale that is.”

“Use the ruler to measure the distance of the eyes from the side of the face, and the two eyes from each other.”

“Oh, aight.” I did as she said and the eye looked wonderful.

“Do the same wit’ everything else.”

“Aight.” And just like that, the face looked good. But that was the easy part. The hard part was pointing and choosing the colors to paint it with. Luckily, I got help from Amaya with it.

“You really only need at least three or four colors, the rest you mix,” she said. So I chose a color called espresso for her main color. White and black for the low- and high- lights of her and a creamy sienna color for the yellowish brown areas. Then, I just painted everything with the espresso color. I made sure I didn’t paint over the eye and mouth. Everything was going well.

But inevitably, my mind went back to earlier. I wanted to text her but she usually didn’t text during school. I kept on imagining how there conversation must have went down and every time I did, I thought of the negative outcome. Her saying yes or I might. For some reason, her saying no didn’t seem likely.

“What’s wrong?” Amaya asked me.

“Nothin’,” I answered.

“But you have this face.” She pointed to one of her drawings of me. It was the one where I looked slightly upset, remembering a bad memory or something.

“Yeah.” It was all I was willing to say. I was tired of the sessions she tried to put me through. I needed a break.

Basketball practice was a good way to distract me from my issues. The coach explained that we had three days before out first non-conference game and that she was going to be a little more lenient about who she was going to play. That meant it was a free for all ever for those who wouldn’t usually get in the game.

“Your performance in these next three days will determine who will start until things change. So, ya’ll are gonna need to get serious ‘cause I’ve been seeing a lot of lolly gaggin’,” she said. Then she let us run our warm-up of laps, stretching then lay-ups. Then we practiced drills. Jamesha and I alternated point position and the coach made sure she didn’t make it seem one of us was guaranteed starter. Jamesha was also confident about it because she already knew the drills while I was learning. But I caught on quickly. The drills were simple and they made sense.

By the end of practice, I remembered all of the drills and had no real problems with Jamesha. Obviously, she still didn’t like me, but there were no obvious issues. Practice ended in peace.

Darnell was there as soon as I left the gym. We smiled and headed to the car.

“This gonna be an everyday thing?” he asked.

“Yeah, if das okay wit’ you.”

“It’s cool.”

“Oh, did Amara speak to you today?” We got in his car. The first thing I smelt was Sasha’s scent, which I didn’t want to smell.

“Yeah, she did.”

“What about?” He chuckled.

“Sounds like you know what. She said ya’ll were gonna talk later anyway.”

“But I wanna know from you what she said, now!” I said hysterically. He laughed.

“Das not fair.”

“She told me your number.”

“Ah but see, I never told her not to tell you. She specifically told me not to tell you.” I sighed, defeated.

“Darnell, why are you doing this to me?” He laughed at my whining voice.

“You really like her, I see.”

“I do. She’s special. She’s almost too good for me.”

“I wouldn’t say that.” My eyes stayed on the trees outside, scenery imprinted in my memory from time after time of witnessing.

“Even you’re too good for me,” I murmured.

“Whoa, definitely wouldn’t say that.”

“You are. You’re nice, I’m rotten. I don’t do anything for anyone and I don’t give anyone anything.”

“You can’t give what you don’t have. And you’re sellin’ yourself short. You’re not as bad as you’re tryna make yourself out to be.” I looked down then thought of what Monroe said so I looked out the window instead. “Besides, I was just as rotten, maybe even worse.”

“You know, I wanna ask you what happened, but you’ll probably ask me the same.”

“What happened…?”

“In your past.” There was a moment of silence.

“Yeah, I’m wit’ you on that. Not tryna unleash those demons right now.” He slightly laughed, making light of the conversation.

“With any of the girls, did you ever feel you loved them?”

“Nah,” he said convincingly. “During those times I didn’t care. It was just a quick fixing.”

“As you probably know, the same went for me.”

“Wait… are you saying you don’t anymore?”

“I’m sayin’ I haven’t in a while.”

“Sasha said you said you weren’t… but I didn’t believe you.”

“Oh, thanks for having so much faith in me.” My tone was slightly offended. He laughed.

“So that means that you and Amara haven’t—”

“No!”

“Oh, my bad. I just assumed ya’ll did when she tol’ me that she found you go both ways.”

“No. I told her no.”

“Oh, okay.”

“How ‘bout we talk about you and Sasha.”

“What about her?”

“Why’d you give in to her so easily?”

“Oh shit. Why you gotta talk ‘bout that?”

“Why you gotta doubt me?”

“Sasha is crazy, and hood spoiled.”

“What the fuck is that?”

“When you ain’t got shit, but whatever is gotten is given to the child. Her moms always give her what she wants, even if the money could be used for something more valuable. Both of ‘em make more money then your mom and my parents put together. They just spend it on so much material things. Then they go out to all these places like restaurants and whatever and leave Sasha alone. That’s why Sasha’s always seeking attention. So she’s spoiled an’ always wanting attention.”

“I figured the attention seeking part, but not spoiled.”

“Yep. Most of what she has in at the house, though. She keeps it hidden when guests come over ‘cause she doesn’t want ‘em to steal from her or anything like that.”

“Well, damn, I won’t steal.”

“Yeah, but she also doesn’t want people to use her for her stuff.”

“Aight, I can understand that. But that’s still not me.”

“Yeah, I know.”

“Still though, that’s no excuse on you.”

“I guess you’re right but if I would have said no, she would have flipped and sent me home.”

“Oh… I know home for you is awful.”

“Yeah.”

“I kinda know that feelin’. Many times home for me was everything but.” He stopped at my house.

“You want me to take you to Amara’s?”

“Nah. I smell bad.”

“Aight, peace.” Guess it was routine for Mr. Daniels to sit on his porch at that time. It was like clock work. I also figured he liked outdoors better than in. He paid me no mind that day. He was too busy doing some puzzle or something. The age he looked deceived the age he acted.

Upon arrival in my house my mom announced Nana Fox’s early arrival. She said she was due in two or three days.

“Damn, I don’t want her to come early,” I said.

“Shut up Shade. You aren’t gonna pay the bills.”

“You should be.”

“Shut the fuck up and eat yo’ damn dinner. I made you goddamn steak and potatoes wit’ fresh green beans. I even made you a damn fresh apple pie an’ bought some vanilla ice cream.”

“Oh shit, thank you ma.”

“I should take it back.”

“Nah, you’re good.” I ate my good quickly, but slow enough to savor the flavor. While eating I checked my phone only to find a text from Amara. It read: ‘When r u coming over? I have something to tell you.’ I replied back with: ‘After I finish eating. It won’t take too long.’ She sent okay and I went back to eating. My mama was staring at me with a mug of mint tea in her hand.

“Who you textin’?” She asked.

“Amara.”

“Why?”

“I’ma head over there after dinner.”

“Why you keep leavin’ and going over there?”

“‘Cause, I wanna talk to her. An’ since when did you care?” She leaned against the counter with her ankles crossed. She didn’t have any answer.

“That boy take you home today?”

“Yes. And his name’s Darnell.” She looked at me as if suspecting a lie. “Mommy, if you think I’m going out to see him, then you’re wrong. I’m really tryna see Amara.”

“Okay, but when you gonna let me meet ‘im?”

“I don’t know,” I said, annoyed. “When do you want?”

“Tomorrow.”

“Aight then.” After I got my bite of apple pie, I was about to head out, but my mama stopped me.

“Shade, did you forget that there’s a killer out on the loose ‘round here?”

“Oh damn, yeah. You wanna take me?” I smiled. “Or I can drive myself.” She tossed me the keys and saw me out.

Amara’s house was quiet and she was quiet in greeting me at the door. It slightly thrilled and angered me to see her wearing a short night gown that dipped down in the front, showing cleavage. And being the Amara she was, she hated wearing a bra so there was nothing I could see beyond the nipples and legs.

“We have to be quiet. My mommy is sleeping.” She said.

“Why so early?”

“She had a hectic day at work.” We walked up her stairs and since I was behind her, I could see under her short dress. She had on underwear that barely fit her causing the bottom of her butt checks to ooze out. My eyes were glued to it. Being me, my hand ended up under her dress feeling her butt. She laughed.

“You ain’t never got clothes on when I come up in here. I think you do that on purpose.” She giggled. When we got to her room, she closed the door.

“Okay so, I think you know that Sasha asked me out today.” She started to say.

“Yeah. What’chu say?” She sat down next to me on the bed.

“I said maybe.”

“Are you gonna say yes?”

“I don’t know.” My eyes trailed away from her face. My head followed my eyes. “I’m sorry.”

“Look, if you wanna do it, then jus’ do it.”

“But it is hard ‘cause I do not wanna hurt her feelings and I do not wanna hurt yours.”

“Don’t worry ‘bout me, jus’ do what you wanna do.” We were silent for a little while. The silence had my mind rushing about what she would say to Sasha. I honestly didn’t want to know at the time. She started taking my earrings off. I looked at her funny. Then she started taking off my shirt.

“What you doin’? I’m not about to have sex wit’ you.”

“I’m not.” She pulled off my shirt then unbuttoned my jeans. “Take ‘em off,” she demanded. Not knowing what she was doing, I quickly stood up to take my jeans off. She looked at my stomach.

“You got a six pack forming,” she said. I smirked.

“Yeah. Basketball will keep you in shape.” She smiled, and felt on my stomach.

“Your skin is so soft,” she said matter-of-factly. “You should get a belly button ring.”

“No,” I said laughing.

“Why not, I have one.”

“Na-uh.”

“I do. I just do not wear it all the time.” She stood up and lifted her dress, revealing her belly button ring. It was gold and looked good with her skin tone.

“Oh, das sexy.” She chuckled.

“Turn around.” I was starting to feel like a display. I followed her command. “God Shade, look at your booty. You have a really nice body. You are very lucky. What are your measurements?”

“Forty, twenty-eight, forty-two.”

“Wow, you are a beautiful hourglass.”

“What are yours?”

“Thirty eight, twenty-seven, forty three.”

“I knew your ass was bigger than mine.” She laughed.

“But yours is rounder.” She pulled down on my waist, wanting me to sit back down on her bed. Then she told me to lie down and I did. She got on the other side of me and lied down next to me. Then she wrapped her arm around my waist. Her head was propped up on her hand and her eyes were glued on me.

“Now tell me Shade, why do you not want to be in a relationship?” I sighed, remembering that that was why I came over in the first place.

“I’ve had my heart broken before and it was bad.”

“By…?”

“That’s all I can say.”

“So it was so bad that you didn’t even date again?”

“Yeah.”

“But why sex?” I didn’t answer. I had nothing to say. Or at least I had nothing I was willing to say. “Okay,” she said as if I actually told her my lips were sealed. Instead of talking, she let her fingers move like beads of water up and down my stomach. I could see her slight smile in my peripheral vision. I turned towards her.

“Did you tell Darnell ‘bout Sasha first?” I asked.

“You are not jealous, are you?”

“No. I jus’ want to know, regardin’ you.”

“I did.” I looked back up at nothing.

“I feel bad about what I did to Darnell.”

“How exactly did it go?”

“Well… he was in a class of mine las’ year. He seemed smart and I liked fuckin’ wit’ smart guys because they pick up on what I like better. Guess he felt I was smart too so he talked to me. I guess kinda like how you talk to him but I was more secretive. I jus’ told ‘im about things I liked and disliked. He was really starting to like me then.

“Then I felt like I was getting too close and losin’ my focus. So I finally made my move. I invited him to my house. At first he was just tryna talk but I worked my tricks on him til’ he was weak. And oh my god… he was so good I jus’ melted. I was speakin’ in tongues and shit. So I didn’t wanna let go of him.

“So I kept in touch wit’ him. We kept talking and he started getting more passionate. I was picking up on that but jus’ figured it was a phase.

“Then the second time we had sex he was a lot more passionate about it. He did everything softly. He even kissed me on the mouth, okay, most guys I had sex wit’ don’t go near my mouth. They figure someone like me has an STD although I almost never fuck raw and I almost never kiss my fuck niggas. So I knew then that he was getting too close. But the sex was so much better the second time that I contemplated toying with him. But I knew that would risk me falling for him and I couldn’t risk that.

“So I started slowly detaching from him. He noticed and asked what was up. I told him that things between us weren’t gonna work out. He was like ‘What do you mean?’ and I told him that we can’t be getting all close. He should just stop talking to me and act like things between us never happened. Then he got mad sayin’ ‘How the fuck am I supposed to do that?’ I started getting’ pissed because he was making it more difficult than I wanted. So I said, ‘Come on Darnell, mad up. Get the fuck over it, this shit never happened. Don’t talk to me no more and don’t be a damn bitch about it.’ Then he said nothing, he just left.” I started crying slightly, tears rolling down my cheek. “Then I felt so bad about it ‘cause he never talked to me again. I can’t believe I said that to him.” I said almost hysterically. Amara slightly cooed. “I was so horrible for that.” She got up and went to the bathroom to come back with some toilet paper. She lied back down and blotted my tears like catching a bug with a cup. I laughed.

“Why are you laughing,” she asked, still blotting my tears.

“Because of how you’re blotting my tears.” She smiled. “And ‘cause I’m sittin’ here cryin’ like a bitch.”

“Oh Shade, you’re not a bitch.” She rubbed my forehead to my hair, and back again, lifting her hand between strokes. “I’m sure he forgives you.”

“But I feel like I gotta make it up to him.”

“Did you tell him you are sorry?”

“Yeah.”

“Then isn’t that enough?”

“I don’t feel like it is.”

“Bake him a cake or something. I did that with my first boyfriend Gerchum. I felt bad for ignoring him one day when he needed someone so I baked him a cake.”

“What kinda cake?”

“Any. Jus’ make sure it is homemade.”

“Kay.” The first kind I thought of was a white clover honey cake. It was my second favorite cake that my mama made for me. She used to make it when I was sick but she didn’t do it anymore after my dad passed. I loved that cake because it tasted different. Plus there was no taste quite like honey.

“But you know somethin’,” Amara started to say. “I still got you no matter what. This kinda feels like that take care song by that light guy with the big eyebrows. What is his name?” I chuckled.

“Drake?”

“Oh yeah. A casual friend of mine was playin’ his barely released album on her phone one day after school when I was waitin’ for my mama.”

“How does it go? I’ve never head it before.”

“Well, it is the part with that light girl who dated that other light guy who sung that song Look at Me, or something like that.” I laughed really hard. She obviously hardly knew or had an interest in American music.

“You mean Look at Me Now? Das Chris Brown, and you’re talking about Rihanna.”

“Yeah, her… I guess. Anyway, she sings a part that goes like, ‘I know you’ve been hurt by someone else. I can tell by the way you carry yourself. But if you let me, here’s what I’ll do, I’ll take care of you… I’ve loved and I’ve lost.” She sung the song sweetly and it sounded a lot more beautiful then I expected from Drake.

“Aw…” I said. “That sounds nice.”

“Yeah but, that is how I feel right now.” I chuckled. She smiled then looked at my lips. She kissed me softly. It was sweet but too sweet at the moment. I quickly pulled away remembering something.

“Oh yeah, did I ever tell you I can sing?”

“I do not know. I assumed you did because you write lyrics. You gonna sing for me?”

“Yeah.” I thought of a good song to sing. When I couldn’t think of anything that wasn’t depressing, I gave up and decided to freestyle the lyrics. They were nice sounding lyrics about who knows what. I wasn’t really thinking about the lyrics. Everything missed my mind and came from the heart. I could feel her staring at me, absorbing the flow of my words. Her hand was still on my stomach, resting there. Then I decided I was done, so I stopped.

“No, keep singing,” she urged. So I did. I could see her smile in the corner of my eye. It caused me to blush then ultimately to laugh.

“Why are you laughing, Shade? You are so funny.”

“‘Cause… you don’t think I suck?”

“No… you are so good at everything you do.”

“No I’m not.”

“Then what are you not good at that you do?”

“Well…” I started out speaking like I had an answer off the bat, but after actual thought, I had nothing.

“But I’m not good at a lot of things.”

“You can sing, you can write, you can play basketball, you can read and comprehend, you can learn quickly, you are smart… do I need to continue?”

“No. Okay.”

“Do not be so negative ‘bout yourself.”

“Okay.”

“Now turn around, so I can hold you.” I laughed. She was so demanding that day. Figured it was because it might have been a while before we could be that close again. She held me close around the waist and asked me to sing. I sang to her. And sang. And sang. And sang.

Her alarm clock woke me up. At first I was in a state of semi consciousness then I realized that I was at her house and not mine. I sat up really quickly. She was lying on her back looking like she was dead until her eyes shot open like I woke her from her eternal rest. My mind refocused as I quickly threw on my clothes.

“I gotta go back to my house and quickly get ready,” I said jumping into my tight ass jeans. She sat up on her bed clearly in a daze. I questioned if she even heard me. Then she slowly stood up as I was about to leave and held her arms out. I hugged her around the waist then quickly kissed her.

“I’ll see you later,” I said.

“Mhm.” Then I left.

My mama was tripping, thinking I spent the night with Darnell and just knew I was lying when I told her the truth.

“Men are gonna use you one day, girl,” she said. If only she knew. I tossed her her keys and took her verbal harassment before I left for school.

“Have fun at home today,” I said to her as I left. I knew that would upset her.