Secret Lives of Creative Minds

A lot of people think they know what is going on among their friends, family, people in their inner circle. They think they know, that they understand. Some people look at other groups of people as well, and think they know all the intricacies of said group, but they really don’t.

Ryan had thought he knew all about the goings on in the inner circles of musicians, but he had it all wrong. He just didn’t realize it till it was too late, until he met Pete Wentz.

At the time, he was only seventeen, looking to gain fame with his band, ready to tour the world and create music. He had so much hope and Pete Wentz had agreed to meet him, had agreed to listen to his band. Things were falling into place.

It started the night he met Pete. They had met up in the lobby of his hotel, Ryan feeling clammy from nervousness. To him, Pete Wentz was a big deal, someone he looked up to. Ryan was going to drive Pete to the band's practice space where they would play a few songs, and hopefully win him over. Hopefully get that record deal they so desperately wanted, and needed. Everyone in Panic! At the Disco was in a financial rut.

Brendon, Brent, and Spencer all had jobs and Ryan was trying to find work, but so far, no luck. He felt bad for mooching off the guys, usually crashing at Spencer’s or Brendon’s place.

But his problems were in the back of his mind as he looked around the hotel lobby, looking for Pete Wentz. This might be their opportunity to make it.

“Ryan?” said a voice behind him. He turned quickly, jumping slightly, and found himself looking into the face of none other than Pete Wentz. All of Ryan’s dreams seemed only an arm’s length away, Pete dangling them over his head in an almost taunting manner. This was it.

“Hey,” Ryan said, taking Pete’s extended hand and shaking it quickly. “It’s great to meet you, finally.”

“Same here,” he said, grinning at him. “I’m excited to hear your band.”

“I’m glad you could make it,” Ryan said, starting to lead Pete to his car outside. “I have to be honest now, I’m not sure this will be that great. It’s gonna be only Brendon and I, the rest of the band are a bit tied up tonight.”

“I’m sure you’ll still do great,” he said. “I’m already impressed by what I’ve heard online.”

Soon they were in the car, Ryan driving careful trying not to be so hyperaware of the man sitting in the passenger seat. If he was being completely honest with himself, he found Pete to be ridiculously attractive; even more so in person. He shook his head to clear it of his thoughts.

“How old are you again?” Pete asked after a few minutes.

“Seventeen,” he answered, glancing quickly at Pete who was nodding his head.

Brendon was waiting for them at their practice space when they arrived. After being introduced to Pete, in true Brendon fashion, he pulled him into a hug. Pete looked at Ryan in mild surprise and he just shook his head, smiling.

“Well, let’s hear what you’ve got,” Pete said after a few minutes of chatting.

---

After what Ryan thought was the worst possible audition ever (he felt embarrassed about the whole thing), Pete smiled at the two of them as they put away their equipment.

“I really like your sound,” he said. “I’m thinking we could really make this happen. I’d love to sign you guys.”

“Really?” Ryan asked, surprised by his response. Pete nodded, smiling at the two boys.

“How about we go celebrate somewhere?” Pete asked.

“Uh,” Ryan started at the same time Brendon said, “I don’t think I can.”

Pete and Ryan both looked at Brendon.

“I have to work early at the oh so wonderful smoothie hut,” he said, frowning.

“What about you Ryan?” he asked. Ryan wiped his palms on his jeans as they became sweaty. Why was he so nervous?

“I guess we could,” he said.

“Great,” Pete said, he smiled at Brendon. “It was great to meet you and I can’t wait to get you guys on the label.”

“Yeah, man,” said Brendon, grinning at Pete.

They all left the practice space, Pete and Ryan getting into Ryan’s car, as Brendon walked to his nearby apartment.

Ryan didn’t know what he had gotten himself into.

---

Upon remembering that Ryan was only seventeen and not wanting to risk any trouble, the two ended up back in Pete’s hotel room.

“You want a drink?” Pete asked as Ryan looked around the room, unsure of what to do with himself.

“No, that’s okay,” Ryan said. “I don’t really drink that much.”

“You say that now,” he chuckled. “Once you become a part of the club, there’ll be some nights you’ll be begging for a drink.”

Pete glanced at Ryan as he sat down on the bed, leaning back on his elbows.

“You have a girlfriend, Ryan?”

He shook his head no.

“I don’t have the time,” he said.

“So you are into girls?” Pete asked, completely straightforward. Ryan could feel his face getting warm. “Sorry. Sometimes I say things without really thinking.”

“It’s okay,” Ryan answered quietly. He let out a shaky breath. He wasn’t actually completely sure about his sexuality. He had thought he liked girls; he definitely liked looking at naked pictures of them when the mood struck. But then he met Brendon, annoyingly silly yet completely adorable. He didn’t want to admit to the crush.

And now, now Ryan was in a hotel room with an older, good looking, powerful guy. If that didn’t confirm that he quite possibly had a thing for guys, he didn’t know what would.

Pete sat up on the bed and patted the space on the mattress beside him and Ryan sat down there, his heart racing ever so slightly.

He glanced at Pete and smiled nervously. He grinned back and Ryan couldn’t help but stare at his teeth; the way they sat behind those perfect lips made his head buzz.

He wasn’t as shocked as he thought he would be when he saw that mouth moving towards his. Ryan’s eyes moved up to meet Pete’s and he could see desire. Pure unadulterated desire. It was completely overwhelming.

Even through the desire, there was still hesitation in Pete’s movements. Ryan was only seventeen, still a minor, and Pete was twenty-five, an adult. He didn’t want to do anything if Ryan was going to be uncomfortable, but ever since Pete’s eyes had landed on the thin boy, he knew he had to have him.

And Pete knew Ryan was nervous. Their faces were close enough together that Pete could feel Ryan’s hot breath hitting his face in quick bursts. There was definite uncertainty with what would happen next.

The decision was all Ryan’s, and after much thought, he made his choice.

He closed the gap, lips pressing gently to Pete’s, testing the waters. He pulled away quickly and they sat there, studying the other’s face for some realization of a mistake being made, but neither found it.

They both moved in at the same time, lips pressed together more heatedly, more determined. Lips hit teeth, and tongues brushed together messily. Heavy breathing filled the room and sweat formed on skin. Clothes came off, thrown haphazardly on the floor.

There was no going back.

---

Ryan felt dirty leaving Pete’s hotel room the next morning, a wad of cash shoved deep into his pocket; $200 to be exact.

“It’s just to get you through,” Pete had said. “I just… Just think of it as a very small advance to all the money you’re going to be making.”

All Ryan had heard was, “Here’s some cash, thanks for the sex.”

He was driving in his car around Las Vegas, trying to decide whose place he should go to. He finally decided on Spencer’s. He didn’t want to see Brendon. He was sure that Brendon would ask him hundreds of questions about last night and he was sure Brendon would see through his lies.

He was half way to Spencer’s though, when he remembered that Brendon was working and wouldn’t be at his apartment.

The first thing Ryan did when he got to Brendon’s was take a shower; a hot shower.

The second thing he did was answer his cell phone. Pete was calling.

“I shouldn’t have paid you,” Ryan heard. He listened as Pete exhaled loudly. “Ryan?”

“Yeah,” he said quietly.

“I’m sorry I paid you like that,” Pete said. “I guess… I just felt like I kind of took advantage and I thought money might make it better.”

“It’s fine,” Ryan said. “No big deal.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah. It’s actually a great help.”

“Okay,” Pete said. “I was just worried you were hurt or offended or something. Anyways, I have to go. My plane is boarding soon. I’ll be back in a few weeks with some contracts.”

“Sounds great,” Ryan said, starting to feel a bit better about the situation. “See you then.”

---

Ryan met Gabe at the album release party for A Fever You Can’t Sweat Out. Pete had introduced them to each other before heading off somewhere, probably to get a drink.

Pete and Ryan had slept together several times by now, and Pete would give him money just to “help him out.” At first, Ryan had felt weird about it, but soon it was a ritual. Call, sex, money; all in that order. Pete would make up excuses to come to Vegas: contracts, checking up, a redo of the first audition. And then there was the whole recording the album bit.

Pete would sit in on their sessions and then Ryan would end up a sweaty mess in the back of Pete’s SUV, a new wad of money pressed into his hands. No one knew of their relationship, which Ryan was glad. He didn’t think other people would understand, even though he didn’t fully understand it himself.

Was Pete paying him for the sex? Ryan was starting to wonder about other people and whether they would pay for sex.

And then there was Gabe.

“So Pete tells me you give the best blow jobs.”

Ryan looked up at Gabe before surveying the room to see if Pete or anyone else was nearby.

“Yeah?” he questioned, eyes back on Gabe. He nodded his head and leaned down, his mouth against Ryan’s ear.

“I have cash,” he said, tongue flicking out of his mouth to taste Ryan’s earlobe. He shivered.

Ryan had a new decision to make. It didn’t take much persuasion by either party.

Ryan was on his knees in a bathroom stall before they’d even played the fourth song on their new album. Gabe’s hand was gripping Ryan’s hair as low moans escaped his mouth.

When he was done, he pulled Ryan up and pressed him into the wall, pressing his mouth hotly to the younger boys. Not a minute later and Ryan was pocketing $200. Instead of feeling dirty, he felt satisfied. If only he had realized earlier on that there was an easy way to make money.

Ryan followed Gabe out of the stall and stopped dead in his tracks. Pete was standing there, watching them. How long had he been there?

“Hey Wentz!” Gabe said cheerfully, clapping a hand onto Pete’s shoulder. “Thanks for the tip, bro. I owe you one.”

Pete smiled at him and nodded before his eyes landed on Ryan. His eyes were dark, and not in a good way. Not in the way Ryan associated with Pete’s desire.

Ryan looked away, and started moving, walking past Pete and slipping back out to the party.

---

Things were bound to spiral out of control.

Brendon found Ryan after the bathroom incident, all wide eyed and innocent, a drink clutched in his hand.

“Hey Ryan!” he said. “You want a drink? They’ll serve you anything. Literally anything.”

He glanced at Brendon’s excited face and then at his drink.

“Sure,” Ryan said and Brendon grabbed his hand, dragging him to the bar.

Ryan was starting to understand Pete better, about the whole needing to drink in this business.

---

Somehow Ryan managed to find a secluded corner in the packed club. He had a few drinks, his head spinning slightly as he just simply watched everyone.

There were people dancing, dancing to his music. It was surreal.

Everyone was pressed together, moving to the rhythm and genuinely having a good time. Ryan wished he could be one of them, but he just wanted this night to end.

He hadn’t seen Pete in a while, and Ryan was worried that he might be mad. He had seen Gabe, hitting on some girl at the bar; he was dancing with someone else now. He had seen Spencer and Brent, chatting with several different people about God only knows what.

And suddenly Brendon was there. He had found Ryan and even though he may have drank a little too much, he could tell that Ryan was upset about something.

Ryan’s eyes met his briefly before looking away and Brendon moved closer, leaning down so Ryan would hear him.

“Are you okay?” Ryan only shook his head. Brendon had noticed that ever since Pete Wentz had come to town, Ryan had seemed different. He just didn’t know what had caused the change.

Ryan glanced at Brendon again, letting a small smile tease his lips for a moment.

“I’ll be fine,” he said and Brendon smiled at him. “You want to go outside?”

Brendon nodded and followed Ryan as he stayed at the edge of the crowd, working his way to the nearest exit.

Once outside, Ryan took a deep breath, savoring the cooler air in his lungs.

“I’m starting to wonder if things were meant to end up this way,” he found himself saying. Brendon watched Ryan carefully.

“What do you mean?” Brendon asked. “You—we’ve all worked hard for this. We were destined for fame.”

Ryan looked at Brendon, really looked at him, and realized that he didn’t know everything about this life. Didn’t yet know the dark side of fame, of being young, of being naïve. Well, Brendon was naïve in his own way, and not naïve the way Ryan was. He wasn’t spiraling out of control from decisions made hastily and without much thought.

All Ryan saw was money, and he supposed, if he were to take a closer look at himself he’d see he hungered for the intimacy, even if it was with a stranger.

He jumped slightly when he felt Brendon’s hand on his shoulder.

“Are you sure you’re okay?” he asked, his brown eyes wide with concern.

“Yeah, sorry,” Ryan said. “I was just thinking.”

“Penny for your thoughts?” he asked, smiling.

“I think you’d need more than a penny,” Ryan chuckled.

Brendon watched Ryan as he looked around. He had admired Ryan ever since they first met, had pushed away urges that he was afraid of, convincing himself that everything about his thoughts towards Ryan was wrong.

But now he was feeling brave. Maybe it was the alcohol.

He leaned in quickly to kiss Ryan, and missed. Well, not completely. His lips brushed the corner of Ryan’s mouth, and he turned to Brendon in mild surprise.

And maybe because Ryan knew that Brendon wouldn’t shove a couple fifties in his hands later on, he leaned in and captured Brendon’s plump lips with his own. And Brendon, enjoying this new feeling, didn’t hesitate to slip his tongue into Ryan’s mouth.

---

Ryan didn’t see Pete again until the tour, and by then, him and Brendon were practically together.

Despite this fact though, it didn’t take Pete long to convince the younger boy to join him in an unused dressing room at the venue. This thing with Pete… it wasn’t just about money. The way Pete looked at Ryan and the way he pressed his body against his—it made Ryan feel good. It was these moments when he was at his best.

And Brendon, God, he tried so hard. Tried so hard to be everything for Ryan, but it wasn’t always easy for Ryan to take him seriously. Everything about Pete was serious; from the way he talked to the way he moved his hips against Ryan’s. And Ryan loved it; he loved the power he gave Pete.

But Ryan knew this couldn’t go on forever.

---

One thing Ryan had started to hate about Brendon was that he could read Ryan like a fucking book. It was this little detail that made him believe that Brendon knew about Pete, knew about what happened behind tightly closed doors.

It didn’t help that Brendon found Ryan’s money stash which had been hidden away in his guitar case.

“Where’d this come from?” Brendon asked, holding up the wad of cash held together by a rubber band.

“Why were you in my guitar case?” Ryan asked, snatching the money out of his hand.

“I was just looking to see if you had an extra guitar pick,” he said, looking down. “I lost mine.”

Ryan sighed, running his free hand through his hair.

“Pete just lent me some money,” he said, glancing at Brendon.

“That’s an awful lot of money to just be lent out,” Brendon said. “What’d you do, suck his dick for that?”

Brendon laughed to himself, but when he saw that Ryan didn't even crack a smile he stopped immediately.

“Wait, are you fucking--?”

But Ryan had pushed past Brendon on the small bus and went back to his bunk. The problem with being on a bus, though, was that Brendon could easily follow him. There was no privacy. And just as soon as he had closed the curtain on his bunk, Brendon was ripping it back.

“Are you telling me the whole time we’ve been together you’ve been with Pete too?” he asked angrily. Ryan was startled, having never seen Brendon this way before. His eyes were blazing, wild.

“We’re not really together,” Ryan said after a moment. “It’s just… We’re just a fling. Did you really think this would last?”

Brendon just stared at him, fury quickly dissolving into hurt. He pulled the curtain shut, blocking Ryan from view.

Ryan listened to Brendon’s receding footsteps before pulling his knees to his chest and gripping his hair with his fingers.

Things were falling apart just as quickly as they had come together.

---

He found Pete at the next venue and they locked themselves on Fall Out Boy’s bus while the others were out for lunch.

Pete knew something about Ryan was off as he watched him getting dressed, shoving the fresh bills in his pocket.

“If you want out, all you have to do is say so,” Pete said. Ryan sighed and ran a hand through his hair.

“Do I mean anything to you?” he asked, eyes staring holes into the floor of the bus. “Or am I just someone you can fuck when you’re bored for a few dollars?”

Pete’s hand shot out and gripped Ryan’s thin wrist, pulling him down till he was sitting on the edge of the bunk.

“If you want more, without the money, just say so,” Pete said. “I only pay you because I thought that’s what you wanted.”

Ryan’s elbows found his knees and he placed his face in his hands. After a minute, he looked back at Pete.

“I think… I think what I want is Brendon,” he said sadly. “But I don’t think he’ll want me. He found out about our situation.”

“Just talk to him,” Pete said. “I’m sure you’ll be surprised.”

---

Ryan waited for Brendon on their bus, but he never showed up. When it was getting closer to sound check, he decided to go look around the venue for him.

He wished he hadn’t looked. Wished he had just waited and just showed up to sound check, oblivious.

He found Brendon, found him in a position he himself had been in on multiple occasions: Between a wall and Pete’s body.

He felt utterly defeated. Stunned into paralysis by the sight of pants pushed down, tongues and lips tangled together, hands in intimate places.

He must have made some sort of noise because suddenly Brendon was looking at him, a mixture of guilt and pride etched across his face. If you can do this, so can I.

Somehow, Ryan was able to turn, able to walk away.

“Ryan, wait!” But he didn’t and suddenly Brendon had him pushed into a wall and there were tears in his eyes. “I’m so sorry Ryan… I-I wasn’t thinking. I didn’t think you’d find out and I didn’t think… I just didn’t think.”

Ryan shoved him away hard.

“I wanted you!” he yelled. “I was coming to tell you that! I didn’t want to be Pete’s, I wanted to be yours.”

Brendon didn’t know what to do as he watched Ryan begin to break down. Face distorted with hurt and a pain Brendon had never witnessed before. A strangled sob broke free from Ryan’s mouth as he reached into his pocket.

“I don’t want this!” he shouted, throwing the money on the ground. He staggered forward, and clutched at Brendon’s shirt, burying his face into his shoulder, shaking with silent sobs.

Brendon looked up to see Pete watching from the doorway, seemingly unfazed by what was taking place.

“I just want you,” Ryan whispered. Brendon pushed Ryan away gently, tilting his head up so he could look at him.

“I want you too,” Brendon said quietly. “But I think we need to get some space from each other first.”

Ryan backed up a few steps and Brendon glanced back at Pete before turning and leaving.

Pete moved out of the doorway and wrapped his arm around Ryan’s shoulder as his other arm extended towards him, the money he had thrown on the ground held in his fingers. Ryan wiped his face with his hand before taking it and putting it back in his pocket.

“We all lead secret lives,” Pete whispered, hand heavy on Ryan’s shoulder. “You’ll learn soon enough.”

But Ryan was done learning. He didn’t want a life like this, twisted in so many ways that you couldn’t pull it apart and straighten it out even if you tried. The only thing he had learned from these secret, unique moments in his life was that they eventually led to heartache and misery. All he wanted now was to feel real love, smile and actually mean it.

Just because he had been thrust into fame, didn’t mean he had to live life like Pete Wentz and so many others chose to. He was still young, sure, but he knew now that he could choose how his life went from here on out.

No more secrets, no more cheating, no more dirty money.