So Here's One Right From My Heart, My Life Right From the Start

I leaned back in the black leather chair and thumped my head as I fell to the ground. "FUCK!" I giggle came from behind the bar. She leaned over to try and help me up but I was a dead weight. I handed her my iphone. "Call James please?" I shot her a smile from the ground. She nodded and looked through my phone. The cold sent a shivered down my spine. God this floor was so cold. I wish I had a jumper on. My bare arms showed as i tried to get up from the ground. My arms weren't strong enough, my body felt so weightless from all the drink. I heard the girl on the phone to someone, i hope it was James, I have to get home and talk to Ben. I can't believe he proposed. I cant believe that he didn't tell me that he was going to. Ben's mines and we're going to be together. He's the one, he's the music in my soul, he's the reason we've got this far and we are this big, He's the reason that i live and breathe. He's my universe and he'll never know because I'm so fucking stupid that I didn't tell him when i had the fucking chance. Now, he's getting married and I'm gong to have to watch him spend his whole life with someone else when i know he'll be happier with me. Why did it have to be like this? I pushed again and rose to my feet. "sup?!" I heard from behind me. Thank god, James was here. I stumbled over to him, "James, THANK FUCK DUDE!" I swayed back and forward, I couldn't stand still. "Three more woman" i pointed at the waitress. i hobbled over to my seat and James just stood there. "Come on then dickhead." He stayed still. What was he doing? "I thought you would be mad at me Danny? I thought you would be yelling at me? not inviting me for drinks." I laughed. "Mad? At you? What for?" A moment of hesitation pasted. "um... err.. the whole Myca thing? " Aw, fuck i totally forgot about that. "The past is the past Jamesy, i could never be mad at you, ben explain that it was all a mistake. So did all the other guys know?" I smiled at him, it was a genuine smile but he gave me a strange look. "um, yeah i told Cameron but Cameron told Sam and i don't know how ben found out, maybe Myca told Girl Sam and she told Ben." I nodded my head, to be honest, i didnt care. "Could'a told me you prick." We shared a slight laugh. i grabbed the glass from the bar and shoved it into James's hand "drink!" We both finished the drink. "Right Jamesy, You need to take me to benji bruce!" I went over to the bar, kissed the barmaid because im Danny Worsnop, i don't fucking need to pay.

I grabbed hold of James shoulder and he carried me to this hotel where we had set up camp for the night. Cameron and Sam were intertwined in a cuddle under the covers, watching some shit movie about a girl who falls in love. The usual shit. I stumbled through the doorway and pointed at them shouting "GAAY!" they knew i didnt mean it offensively, they just laughed. "BEN, OH BENNY BOY!" I yelled throughout the rooms. No response. I assume hes not here. I sat alone in the narrow hallway, awaiting my Ben. James popped his head out of Cameron and Sam's room. "Mate, youre sharing with me for tonight because Ben's bringing Sam back. Hes got big news for us." I could feel my heart beating in my ears. I felt like i was about to be sick. My heart dropped. "NO. You must be wrong James. Me and Ben ALWAYS share a room, no matter who's staying. Sam doesnt mind. I KNOW she doesnt mind, We've talked about this." I began to get angry. Why doesnt ben want us to share a room together? He's never bothered before. Why the change all of a sudden. James hesitated "ummm, i dunno what to say Danny, Ben said that you were sharing with me? He said you's talked about it." What the hell was ben playing at? we ALWAYS share. now he is getting married he's bumping me into James's room. I was so angry at such a little thing. My short temper is the worst thing about me. I hate that side of me, but i cant help this fire inside of me. I placed my head in my hands and sat there on the floor. James retreated into Sam and Cameron's room. So many thoughts ran through my head, my head pounded with all the emotion and drink and lack of sleep from the past few days. I just want to curl up in a ball and never to wake up again. I'm sick and tired of feeling so worthless. I've messed everything up and i have nothing or noone to blame but myself. The tears began to collect in my hands as the tears became more and more. I heard my name being screamed from the other side of the corridor "DANNY DANNY DANNY." I looked up to see a women dressed in jeans and a red top running towards me. Girl Sam. I rose to my feet and wiped the tears from my face. My face was as hot as coals and my eyes felt red raw. She ran and jumped on me and i swung her round in a circle giving her a big hug. The girl who is taking the love of my live away and im suppose to be okay? I hugged her longer so she wouldnt see my face and ask what was wrong.

Then i saw him. Walking slowly across the corridor, staring at the floor. Girl Sam was so happy and excited. I dont think she noticed my face, or she was choosing not to. She waved her hand with the engagement ring on her finger. My ben, getting married.I thought i ment something. I thought he said he loved me. But no, he used me like a doormat. I pretended to be excited but really i was just staring at ben. The perfect man. I loved him. I'm sure I'm not gay but i knew i loved him. I just knew. Girl sam ran through to see the rest of the band. Ben had to walk past me to follow her. I couldn't just let him walk past. "Congrats man." He kept staring at the ground. I couldn't bare it any more. "Come here!" I smiled and opened my arms "First one to take the plunge man." Our eyes locked for a brief minute. "what made you do it?" he kept his head down and mumbled "you know, we've been together a long time and i didn't see why i shouldnt." I bite my tongue and didn't say anything. God i wish i could just hold him again, just to fall asleep in his arms. I just want him to be mines. "we're been together longer, where's my fucking ring?" I playfully punched his arm as we both laughed. I miss him so much. i leaned in and quickly kissed him soft lips. My hands touched his soft face. His hands pushed against my stomach and pushed me away. "What the fuck Danny?! You reject me then you fucking kiss me? What the hell? You want me now that you cant have me? Make up your fucking mind." I stuttered. "i-i-i- i'm so sorry. i just want-" He cut me off. "I don't care Danny. I'm marrying Sam. His words hurt more than ever before.

I slid to the floor, The tears rolled down my cheek and hit my shirt. I didn't want to be here any more. I didn't want to be on this earth any more. "you've only yourself to blame." He said as I lay there, hunched up as i watched him walk away and return to Sam.