You Matter Most

I buried my head in my hands, sitting in the complete darkness of my bedroom. I didn’t get any work done after I dropped Gavin off. I was going to tell him…I was going to… but then he had to go and say that.

”I think I’m in love with him.”

I leaned back, my bed squeaking from my weight. I felt like shit. I felt like screaming. I felt like crying. I felt like I lost my best friend. Gavin is never going to forgive me. I told him to leave without an explanation, but fuck! How the hell could he fall for scum! That’s ridiculous. I knew I should’ve told him sooner. Fuck, I wanted to be Gavin’s first. I wanted to be his first kiss, his first date, his first boyfriend…but no. Luke had to shove his way into Gavin’s life and act all sweet and shit and sweep my Gavin off his feet. This stupid crush is going too far when I’m yelling at Gavin and telling him to dump the only guy that makes him happy.

The only guy.

Shit. Shit shit shit. I totally fucked up. I fucked up so bad.

I’m getting good at saying goodbye but I’ve always been better at believing that you’re better off. Wherever you go, go with all your heart, worn out and broken in like hand me downs.

I contemplated on answering him; his ringtone filling me with memories of us together, all my doubts lacing the thoughts. On the third repeat, the song cut mid-sentence, showing that he hung up. I bit my lip, fighting back my tears. I prayed he would call back, and he did. I fished my phone from my pockets, putting it to my ear.

“Hello?” I choked out. I cleared my throat. “I mean, hello?” I answered in my usual voice.

“Did I wake you?” his voice filling my ear. I sat up, running my free hand through my curls.

“Nah, I was just listening to some music.” I lied. I felt bad, but it’s not about me, it’s about him.

“I’m sorry,” he apologized. I heard him hiccup and I frowned. He’s not drinking is he? I swear to God if Luke got him drinking- “I shouldn’t have- I mean, whatever I said that made you upset, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to-“

“Whoa, whoa there kid,” I chuckled. I heard him giggle and I smiled. “I wasn’t upset,” Yes I was, “I was shocked because of all things, I was not expecting you to say that you loved him. I mean, come one! You can’t expect a good reaction from me since you know how I feel about him.” he sighed.

“I know, but can you please, please, try to get along with him, please?” he begged. I was silent. Like hell I’ll get along with an asshole like Luke. He can suck my dick. “I talked to Luke and he’s willing to be nice if you return the favor.” I thought about it. Be nice to the guy that’s fucking my best friend, aka the guy I’m in love with, who also treats him like second best? "Please?” his voice sound tired, almost defeated. Gavin is trying so hard to get me to like Luke, and he’s always worrying about Luke and if not Luke, about what I think of his boyfriend. He never takes the time to think about himself. I sighed, laying back down on my bed.

“Alright,” I told him. This is about making Gavin happy, not your own feelings, “but if he gives me any reason to punch him, I will not hesitate to do so.” I warned.

“Thank you!” I could hear his smile, and if he was here, my blush would have blown my cover. “I love you June!” he squealed. My heart fluttered and butterflies danced in my stomach. I wish he actually meant that, like, in a romantic way, but I’ll take what I can get.

“I love you too…” I told him, an ache in my heart, “Gavin. Goodnight.” He told me goodnight and I hung up, tossing my phone to the floor and going to bed.

I’m going to regret this, I just know it.