I Wanna Get Well

It turns out, that wasn’t even the finished song. That was just what they had so far. I was blown away, literally, still. I couldn’t even fathom the brilliance of the song. And it only got better! They told me it was a song called Danger Line. It was amazing to me. How many different ideas and melodies they shoved into one song. I particularly enjoyed the slower breakdown somewhere near the end. Yes, definitely my favorite part.

It disappointed me though; there were no drums real yet. They put in a computer based idea of how the drums would be but it wasn’t the same. My favorite part had always been drums but it was missing. I could see why, they didn’t have a replacement yet. Maybe ‘replacement’ wasn’t the word I was thinking of but I couldn’t think of anything better. It didn’t matter though. They didn’t mention the drums so I never brought it up.

Within the two hours I was in the front room, they put each other in the booth time and time again to try to improve the song I thought was perfect as it was. They would ask me how I thought it was coming along. I kept telling them ‘I don’t think it can get better’ but they took that as a challenge. Every time I said it they did make it better. It was seemed to unreal. I could honestly say I couldn’t wait for the rest of the album.

“Hey Phoenix.”

“Hmm?” I turned my head towards the entrance where Brian had just stepped in. Matt, him, and Zack had went for a smoke. I decided to sit on the table to the side of the kitchen as I waited for Johnny to finishing his business in the restroom. What? I just would feel bad if he came out and we were just…gone.

“Would you want to come with us to Matt’s? We were going to swim for a while.” I could feel myself pale. Swimming? So I’d have to be in a swimming suit, in the water, with all of them. Oh dear lord, I think I’m going to be sick. They’d see my stomach bulge in the suit. Oh no. No, no, no.

“You should.” I nearly jumped out of my skin. I turned to see Johnny walking up, wiping his hands on the front of his pants. He looked up and met my gaze, smiling. “It would be fun to actually just relax and hangout with you without either us or you working.”

“I don’t know. I mean Parker - ”

“It’s fine. He can come over once he gets off. That’s not for a few hours anyways, it’s only two,” Brian pointed out after a glance at his wristwatch.

“But I don’t have a suit,” I muttered meekly.

“I’m sure you can borrow one of Val’s suits. She has plenty of extras and you look like you’re just her size, if not a little smaller,” Johnny commented, frowning slightly towards the end of his words as he skimmed over my body. I closed my eyes for a moment, the nauseous from yesterday beginning to resurface. He was lying. I was probably bigger than this girl Val – who was probably Matt’s wife – and I would look ridiculous in her suit. They’re going to laugh and I’m going to have to purge again.

“Fee?” My eyes snapped open. Brian was giving me a weird stare and I knew that he had ushered Johnny out when I wasn’t paying attention. I gave him a weak smile and he took a step closer to me. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine,” I argued.

“Okay. Now look me in the eye and say it again.” I stared at my lap, twiddling my fingers. I knew better than to look at him. He’d instantly see my lie. I don’t know how but I knew he would. It was just something my mind was telling me.

“I’m just a bit sick, alright? I’m fine,” I stressed. I jumped off the table and headed towards the door without glancing at Brian. “C’mon. They’ll wanna head out soon.”

I quickly brushed through the doors before I was out in the stunning sunlight. I squinted, holding my hand over my eyes as a way to shade them. Matt and Johnny were on their feet while Zacky still sat in his seat with a cigarette bobbing in his mouth as he spoke. He stopped short, all three turning to face me. Matt was the one to speak up. “You ready to go?”

“Yup,” I chirped, trying to seem chipper. Johnny gave me an odd stare but it was gone as quick as it had come.

“Alright well Johnny, Phoenix and I will head to my place. You and Brian can just head over,” Matt spoke, saying Brian’s name a little louder as he walked outside to get his attention. He nodded in reply, heading to his vehicle, making sure not to meet my eyes. I know he didn’t believe me and a small part of me felt bad for not telling him the truth. I couldn’t help it though. No one knew what I thought and no one needed to. They’ll send me away again and I can’t last alone again without these people.

Am I really that dependent on them already?

“Fee!” I jumped, twirling around on my heels. Matt was already behind the wheel of his vehicle while Johnny stood outside the passenger seat. A frown seemed to be embedded on his face. I smiled apologetically before hurrying to the backseat. He stopped me for a moment, placing a hand over mine as I went to pull the back handle. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, just zoning out is all,” I spoke, shrugging it off. He removed his hand and I quickly hopped in. Once both doors and seatbelts were clicked, Matt backed out of the spot. Soon he was heading through Huntington Beach. I couldn’t remember what was said on the trip to Matt’s home. The whole time I was stuck having a foreboding feeling in the pit of my stomach. I didn’t know what it was yet but it made my nausea come at a higher intensity. Maybe I could make myself sick and someone would take me home. Oh God, I didn’t want them to see me throw up.

“We’re here!” Matt announced happily. I looked up and my jaw slacked open. It was practically a miniature mansion! It was insane. And here I thought Johnny had a luxurious home. Matt’s made his look like a shack. Damn, what did that make Parker and I’s apartment? I could feel heat on my face. Never, ever let any of them inside the apartment. Not even if it was a life or death situation, just no. Luckily this time I got out of the car with everyone else instead of getting yelled at again. I’m sorry, it was getting real old. Couldn’t they just poke me?

“It’s huge,” I spoke, my eyes trailing over the length of the house as I shut my door behind me. I blushed deeper, staring at my shoes. I quickly added, “and beautiful.”

“Thanks. Val prides herself in taking care of the flowers out here. She’d kill me if I even mention a gardener. It’s not my fault. She should be off her feet for a while and not worry about so much,” Matt sighed as he led the way up to the door. Johnny dragged behind, looking as though he had heard this story a million times.

“Off her feet?” I repeated, giving Matt an odd stare as he unlocked the front door with his key. He smiled, pushing the door open.

“Don’t worry, you’ll understand soon.” He led the way into the magnificent foyer. It reminded me of the castle from The Princess Dairies. It was the best I could compare it to with how lovely it looked. Suddenly Matt bellowed out, “Val! We’re back!”

I cringed away from him as Johnny shut the door softly and shook his head. “Shit Matt, mind the ears?”

“Sorry Fee, sometimes she’s far away and can’t - ”

Matt was suddenly cut off at the sound of shuffling feet coming from down the hallway to our right. I could hear a woman’s voice complaining about something but it wasn’t until I could see her in the doorway it came out clear. “ – and I was just thinking about feeding you but that seems like a stupid idea. I could have been messing with a straightener you cow.”

Matt moved forward while chuckling to swoop the woman into a hug and kiss her softly on the lips. My eyes couldn’t help but staring at her bulging stomach. I could see what Matt was talking about, so I’m not sure how this didn’t come up in our conversation earlier. She wasn’t quite at the popping stage, but she was very pregnant. She was clad in a beautiful, light blue maternity blouse, shorts, and a pair of fluffy slippers. She gave a playful glare to Matt before turning to me with a smile.

“You must be Phoenix. Matt’s told me about you. I am Valary, but call me Val. I’m this lug’s wife,” Val spoke, shuffling forward to shake my hand. I smiled and took it. Once our arms fell to our sides Matt was glued to her side again. “Hello Johnny. Long time no see.”

“Ya know, I figured the outside world was nice to visit sometimes,” he replied with a light shrug.

“Well you should more. I was worried about you buddy,” Val spoke with a weak smile. I could tell she meant it, all the emotion was right there in her broken eyes. Johnny noticed them too and wrinkled his nose at the sight.

“C’mon, don’t get all sentimental on me. Phoenix here needs a swimming suit,” Johnny spoke, nodding his head in my direction. I paled as everyone turned their attention on me and I saw a flicker of excitement go through Val’s eyes. Nope, I wasn’t going to like this.

“Really? Come on! I know just the outfit!” Val detached herself from Matt before grabbing my wrist and dragging me upstairs. Well, as fast as she could move. I heard Johnny and Matt laugh before they walked off somewhere downstairs. I looked desperately over my shoulder but they had, indeed, left me alone with the pregnant woman. I almost wanted to cry. What did she have in mind? I guess she caught my look for suddenly she laughed. “Oh, I’m not that crazy. You’ll be fine.”

“That’s not what I’m really worried about,” I murmured. Either she didn’t hear me or just chose to ignore it because she gave no reply. Soon we were heading down the hall on the second floor. She soon opened a bedroom and shooed me off to sit on the bed. It was a gigantic room, definitely the master bedroom. I shifted uncomfortably on the bed. Everything was so nice, clean, and expensive looking. I know I kept my room extremely clean but this made it look like a dump.

“Here it is!” Val shouted suddenly, making me nearly fall to the ground. Suddenly cloth was covering my eyes and I scrambled to remove them. As I thought, Val had picked out a two piece. I swallowed hard, my hands nearly trembling as I held them up. I guess Val could sense apprehension because soon a white cloth was tossed onto my lap. “And a cover.”

“Thanks,” I spoke numbly as she pulled me to my feet and pushed me into the master bath. She shut the door behind me and the loud ‘click’ felt like a prison door closing. I didn’t even bother to look around, mouth agape, at the bathroom. I silently took off pants, shirt, hat, shoes, and socks. Once I folded them up and placed them in a neat pile on the counter, I turned to the large mirror above the marble top. I turned sideways and frowned. My skin was a sickly pale, no doubt from covering it all the time, but at least there were no marks. Well, aside from a few that would never leave me on my inner thighs.

I concentrated on my stomach. I ran a hand down from below my bra until the brim of my underwear. Nearly flat. There was still the bump below my belly button. I frowned and stole a glance at the toilet. No, I can’t. Val would hear and it wouldn’t end well. I finally tore my eyes from the mirror and took off my undergarments. I quickly pulled on the swimming suit and the cover. I looked in the mirror and felt a little better. At least my bulge wasn’t completely obvious. I pulled my hair into a messy bun before pulling open the door.

“You are adorable!” Val squealed, clapping her hands. It seems while I was in the bathroom she had managed to pull on a cute maternity suit, the color of light lavender. I knew she would probably just lounge around the pool, something about it being bad for pregnant women in pools, but I knew she would look gorgeous. She had that wonderful, expecting mother glow that made her look like she was an angel. I had a sudden feeling that she was going to be a fantastic mother. “You can keep the suit by the way. It was made for you.”

“Thanks, I guess.” Soon I was being pulled through the house again. Soon enough we emerged outside into the bright California sun. I squinted, holding my free hand over my eyes to try to block out the light some. When I did I noticed all the guys were already outside, only on swimming shorts. Brian and Johnny were already in the pool, splashing each other while yelling obscenities. Matt instantly shot to his feet as we neared, slowly helping Val into the seat he had occupied. Val scowled but didn’t try to swat him away like I figured she would have. She was a feisty one, that Val.

“Goddamnit Matt. Would you relax?” Val sighed as she leaned back in the seat. Matt began to apologize and kiss her cheek as Zack turned to me.

“You look great.”

“Uh, thanks,” I blushed, rubbing my neck awkwardly. Suddenly a shout came from the pool.

“Finally! Fee, come help me drown this gnome!” Brian shouted, dunking Johnny under the water. Johnny shot out, jumping up to wrap his arms around Brian’s neck, practically slam dunking them into the pool. I shook my head, not believing this was the man I ‘worked’ for. When they resurfaced Brian pushed Johnny away and gave me a desperate look. “Come on! I need help! He’s more slippery than I thought permitted!”

“Fuck you Gates!” Johnny shouted childishly. He sprayed Zack again causing the guitarist to tackle him. I sighed and shook my head yet again. Children.

“I would get in there soon or Brian will probably throw you in himself.” I turned to Zack quickly with wide eyes. He, however, gave me a very seldom look, letting me know he wasn’t kidding. I sighed and reluctantly pulled off the cover before approaching the edge of the pool. The crystal clear water gave me a view to the bottom of the six foot edge. I hadn’t swum in so long I was worried about getting in. But I knew if I didn’t soon someone would notice my scars and that was something I didn’t feel like explaining yet.

“Hold your breath,” was whispered into my ear. Before I could turn or figure out who was speaking to me, I felt the ground leaving my feet. Or maybe it was the other way around. Either way I wasn’t prepared for it and, unlike the voice suggested, I let out a scream of terror. Soon the water rushed up to meet me, soon dragging me under and filling my lungs with water. I desperately tried to kick upwards but my legs weren’t used to the action and refused to work. My vision got a little hazy and I figured I was going to die in the Sanders’ household pool. That would be fun to explain to people in the afterlife.

“So these guys I was friends with accidentally drowned me.”

Suddenly I felt something grab my wrist, quickly pulling me to the surface. I clung to the edge of the pool, coughing up water. I figured my food was coming with it, but luckily only the water exited. It wasn’t until I had calmed I felt the hand rubbing the top of my back. I looked weakly to my side to see Brian giving me a worried frown. “You okay, hun?”

“I, uh, I think so,” I spoke between coughs. Suddenly yelling made me look up again.

“I’m sorry! I didn’t mean it!” Zack whined as Matt and Johnny scolded him. It was quite amusing watching Johnny act like an adult, but that was quickly taken care of as Johnny shoved Zack into the pool a few feet from us. He walked over, kneeling down before me. Water fell off of his body, making a less than perfect circle around his frame.

“You okay Fee?”

“I’ll be fine. Thanks for getting him for me though,” I spoke, nodding my head towards where Zack had resurfaced.

“No problem. It was my pleasure.”

“As this is mine,” Zack spoke, suddenly next to us. He grabbed Johnny’s arm before pushing off the wall, causing both of them to get sucked under the water. I laughed, shaking my head.

Children.