I Wanna Get Well

About an hour of lounging against the wall inside the pool, we finally climbed out with Matt and Val giving us the promise of food soon, to which the other three boys practically kissed their last male companion. I had wanted to change back into my normal clothes but Val explained the tragic “accident” my clothes had endured. She had been washing her hands and hitting them into the water. With a sly smirk she had gathered my spared phone and some clothes from before her pregnancy.

I frowned at the reflection of myself in the mirror in one of the downstairs guest rooms. My underwear had also, somehow, been saved from the soap and water. So at least I have those handy. I don’t think I would have felt comfortable going commando or being offered some of Val’s. Just… no. On top of my undergarments was a deep V-neck in a vibrant blue with black, denim short shorts. Conveniently all of her cardigans were stored away in the basement since it was warm and they didn’t fit her quite right currently. The shirt and shorts were loose and I was constantly tugging the waist of the shorts up.

I shook my head before leaving the room, damp swim suit in one hand and my phone in the other. I traced my steps back through the maze of halls and doorways to where I had been led away from by Val. I was successful in my adventure, coming to a stop in the doorway of what they dubbed the “video room”. It looked more like a mini theater. The room was made of three, wide platforms. On the top two were lounging like couches made for couples. The bottom most platform, and closest to the giant screen, was a row of chairs which were occupied by Johnny, Brian, and Zack as they played some war-type game.

“Oh! I was hoping you would be back.” I jumped, spinning around on my heels. Val stood smiling and quickly grabbed the swimming suit. “I was just about to put the dryer on. How are the clothes?”

“Oh, they’re - ” I cut myself off, feeling the fabric slipping again. I sighed and tugged at them, a blush taking over my face. “The shorts aren’t very tight.”

“I’m sorry!” She spoke, giving a weak smile. “I’ll put these in the dryer and have Matt fetch you a belt. Just stay here and relax. He’ll be around soon.”

“Uh, okay?” Before I could even finish she was shuffling off, humming softly. I shook my head before entering the room, heading down to the front row. I plopped down next to Zacky, listening to the three of them bickering. I looked around the room, still not grasping the idea of rooms like this really existing. I thought only millionaires did these type of things, flaunting their wealth around and making stupid stuff they didn’t need simply because they could.

“It’s weird, huh?” I turned to look over at Zack who was suddenly paying attention to only me, his controller sitting idly on the arm rest of the chair. I guess Johnny and Brian had decided to play online, which would only support two players. I had seen Parker and his friends play enough to know that.

“It’s just, I’m not used to such extravagant living and such,” I admitted. Zack gave me a nod, letting his eyes roam the room himself, probably taking in details as if having new eyes.

“I’m not either. Matt was the only one so far to embrace this type of lifestyle. I mean, yes, we could probably all afford high class homes and waste money on stuff we don’t need, but we don’t. But with Val expecting Matt wanted, and I quote, to give their son everything he could want. Growing up we were just like every other kid, we didn’t have much. Survived on what we could.” Zacky shook his head softly, as if trying to banish the memories. “He just wants to give his son what he hadn’t ever had before. And he’s probably trying to make something up to…”

I waited but Zack trailed off, seeming to dislodge his thoughts from his own mind. The thousand yard stare, or something like that is what my mom used to call it. Dad did it a lot when he was worried about his mom. “Zacky?”

“Oh.” He was quickly brought back and smiled softly at me. “Never mind, it’s not important. Just, sometimes Matt worries that his son will end up feeling like some of our other friends.”

I opened my mouth to ask him to elaborate but that was when Matt appeared in the doorway. “Come ‘n get it. Food’s done.”

The three men that had been next to me quickly shot off the chairs, rushing past me to go get the food they seemed to think would be gone in moments. I shook my head, using Zack’s controller to shut off the console. I then made my way up the room to where Matt still stood, a belt hanging limply in his hands. “I believe you’re in need of one of these?”

“Thanks,” I spoke simply, taking it from his outstretched hand. We silently walked side by side down the halls; me being too preoccupied trying to make sure the belt went through all the loops and then tightening the device. It made the shorts only a bit better but they wouldn’t slide past my hips anymore. Just as I looked up I noticed we were back outside. But this time I was led to the long patio that held a table and lots of food. Just looking at the lot of it made my stomach turn.

“Phoenix! Quick, get a plate before these fatasses steal all of it,” Val called, sending a playful glare to the guys who tried to look innocent, Brian with a mouthful of hamburger. I smiled weakly, sitting at the seat towards the end. Matt sat across from me and Zack next to me. I grabbed a burger, a few chips, and some grapes. Brian gave me a weird stare from the other side of Zack but I ignored him. Most of the meal went normally. Johnny and Brian bickering, random speak of whatever came to mind, and all the while I am trying to not vomit due to nerves.

I had almost made it through this meal when all of a sudden a wild Matt appeared. By now everyone had at least taken a second helping (Johnny was on his fourth but we’re going to ignore that) except for me. I had only eaten half the burger and a chip or two, yet all my grapes were gone. And I thought I had managed to eat at just the right times so that no one would notice. Of course this is not quite the case. Matt had been paying more attention than I had liked. So it seemed innocent enough when Matt said in passing “you hardly seemed to have touched your food Phoenix”, but in reality it was like the gates to hell had opened and Hitler was coming back from the grave to kill us all.

“He’s right Fee, you haven't really eaten at all,” Brian spoke, frowning at me. I looked down at my lap, hoping that maybe for once the God everyone keeps talking about would help me out and make me invisible. But nope, he was not the helpful mystical being I was hoping he would be.

“C’mon, eat some more Fee,” Val encourage softly, her motherly instincts making her treat me like a five year old disappointed that I hadn’t gotten to watch my favorite cartoon so was now unwilling to eat because I was so sad. But let’s be honest, that would have been easier to deal with.

“No thank you. I’m not hungry,” I forced out, smiling weakly. I could see everyone opening their mouths to probably argue at once, but suddenly Zack shot out of his seat. It quickly silence everyone, the five of us looking at him as he seemed to mull over his next choice of words carefully.

“Guys, just leave her be, okay? Phoenix could you come talk to me for a bit?” He spoke slowly, watching my reaction. I nodded and followed him towards the house. I wasn’t quite sure where this conversation was going to lead us but I was more willing to find out than to stay back there and have the chance of the table force feeding me through a tube. And don’t think it isn’t a possibility. Have you met these guys recently?

So instead of sitting outside and being forced into these unspeakable horrors, I was being lead inside the large house by the green eyed man before me. He ended up making me entirely confused by leading me through a few halls before we finally stopped inside the room he had chosen. It looked like a living room except it had a lot more comfy beanbag chairs than I had thought living rooms would have. There were also a few Lazy Boys which is where Zack sat, patting the one next to him as a suggestion for me to sit there. I did, easily melting into the chair. It was comfy and if you think not, you haven’t sat in this particular chair.

“Okay, what’s going on?” I jumped slightly, not really expecting to hear him speak so soon. I had assumed he was going to let us sit in silence for a few moments so he could “get his thoughts together” but that was not so so naturally I worried, thinking this meant he had thought about whatever this was for a while now and I was terrified of what this was exactly.

“What do you mean?”

“What I mean is you’ve been off all day, letting no one in, and I’m really starting to worry about you.” On instinct I felt a sarcastic remark burning on the tip of my tongue but when I turned to face Zack all my words disappeared. He had that look, the one he had back in the studio. The one where all his walls were let down and a kind of exhaustion, deeper than I could ever imagine, was the only thing left on his face. I frowned, indecision hanging over me. Zack had let out all his problems to me, shouldn’t I do the same? I sighed, running a hand through my hair softly, nodding to myself in some kind of agreement.

“Where do you want me to start?”

Zacky blinked dumbly at me, obviously surprised I agreed right away. I guess he was worried I would argue with him to hell and back.I gave an encouraging smile and he thought over his words carefully. “Let’s start with your...lack of eating?”

“As you guys know, I have depression and anxiety, but not many people know about my anorexia. I’ve just been feeling uncomfortable with my body again. It comes and goes and this is just one of those times it has come,” I replied, shrugging softly. Zack nodded.

“I’ve been there. Last album, actually. It gets better Fee,” Zack promised, placing one of his hands over mine and squeezing gently. I smiled, nodding softly. I believed him, I really did, I just wanted this stupid thinking of mine to stop already. “So why are you on edge all the time? I know your anxiety contributes but you’re not tense all the time. With me and Johnny you’re fine, but aside from that, you’re not...”

“Calm?” I completed with a nervous smile. Zack nodded in agreement to my choice of words. I looked at my lap, gnawing on my bottom lip, wondering how I should word my next set of words. Or if I should say it all. I glanced at my hand which Zack was still rubbing the back of my palm comfortingly. I let out a short sigh before looking him in the eye. “I have feelings for one of the guys.”

He blinked dumbly at me for a moment, seeming to process what I had just said. Suddenly he was grinning widely like a girl best friend with the latest bit of gossip. “Really?! Who?”

I shushed him, anxiously looking at the doorway to make sure no one was eavesdropping. Once I saw the doorway still empty, I glared at him. “Keep it down! I’m trusting you with this since I know you won’t tell. Don’t make me regret it!”

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry! But who is it?”

“I don’t want to say,” I admitted, blushing as I thought of Johnny. No, I didn’t want to tell him everything. “Just...the most I will give you is that I don’t really think any of you would think I would like it. It probably would seem...taboo to you. No, that’s not the right word.”

“Don’t sweat it Fee, I get it.” I looked at him again and he was grinning. He did the fake zipper on his lip and flicked away the imaginary key. “Your secret’s safe with me.”

“Thank you.”

“Anything else you wanna talk about Fee?”

I paused, the scars on my thighs almost seeming to burn on my skin. The weight of this moment was twisting, crushing my chest under the knowledge that this was the one time to tell someone about it. To let someone know and feel that catastrophic weight disappear.

But of course my fear of the hospital won that duel.

“Just wish my brother would get a damn girlfriend so he can stop breathing down my neck all the time,” I finally spoke, annoyance creeping into my tone. It was true enough. Maybe if Parker was out enjoying himself he wouldn’t be fretting over me all the time.

Zack laughed. “I’ll keep my eye out.”

“Thanks Zack,” I spoke with a laugh. He gave me a wink, making me giggle again.

He stood to his feet, offering a hand to me. Once I grasped it he pulled me to my own feet. Soon we were walking back through the maze of a house, heading towards where everyone else was. At least, I think so. I didn’t recognize the route Zacky was taking but then again I didn’t really know the way there at all. Soon enough though, as we were rounding a corner, I walked into a strong chest.

“Oh, sorry Phoenix,” the voice spoke. I looked up to see Brian smiling at me apologetically.

“No problem, Bri.” I noticed Zack had walked past Brian and was now grinning at us. Once he caught my eye he winked before walking back outside. I paled, my eyes wide as Brian left me alone, not noticing my look of terror.

Zack thought I liked Brian? Ohhh…that can’t be good.