I Wanna Get Well

I had tried to talk to Zack once I got outside, I really had, but he had been speaking to Matt and I hadn't wanted to be rude by interrupting. And on top of that I would have had to deal with the awkwardness of both of them giving me odd stares and I wasn't ready for that. Instead I sat on a lawn chair next to Val’s, having a half assed conversation I wouldn't be able to repeat to you. Yeah, I was that not into it. I was too busy trying to will Matt’s vocal cords to stop so I could set Zacky straight but that never happened.

See, when Matt finally did stop, Zacky's phone started to ring. He answered it and listened for a few moments before sighing and slipping the phone back into his pocket. He took a long gulp of his soda before tossing the can in the nearby wastebasket. "Something’s going on at the shop. I have to head into town and hope I can resolve it."

"What happened?"

"Intern fucked up the printer and ink spread all over scanner and one of my artists are throwing a tantrum and threatening to quit on me," he replied, running a hand through his hair. The look on his face was one of pure annoyance and I could tell by his attitude that the idea of someone 'just quitting' was not a very happy idea of his. In fact he looked ready to kill. So with a quick goodbye to everyone, and a smirk in my direction, he left with his car finalizing it all.

I placed my face in my hands, rubbing at the skin angrily. Why was I so concerned with Zacky thinking it was Brian I liked? It's not like he would tell him anyways. I should have just swallowed my pride and told him it was Johnny at the beginning. It couldn't be anymore awkward than him thinking it was Brian. At least with Johnny it would be the truth. I jumped slightly when I felt my phone vibrating in my pocket. I fished it out, seeing Parker’s name flash across the screen just as my ringtone finally hit my ears. I hesitated, looking around. Val had wandered off, leaving me alone on the lawn chair. I finally gathered my courage to answer.

"Hello?" A loud sigh met my ears and silence returned. I frowned, a small tick in my mind twitching. He did not just call me to sigh, did he? "Parker?"

"Fee, there’s a problem."

"If it’s about the intern, I heard. Zack just left with the promise of someone’s head," I spoke, trying to lighten the mood. If Parker was as mad about the printer as Zack was, it was going to be a hell of a day for him. But he was supposed to be leaving soon so I guess it wouldn't be as catastrophic for him.

"It’s not about the intern." I paused in the middle of trying to think of some new thing to say that would sound stupid but cheer him up. I could feel the color drain from my face and I could practically hear the sound of hysteria in my head. Were we losing the apartment? Did he get fired or blamed for the incident? What was happening? He decided not to keep me in suspense, continuing on after a moment. "I got a call from Dr. Abrahams a few minutes ago."

"Wh - what?" The thought of my old doctor sent shivers down my spine. I wrapped my free arm around my knees, the air suddenly chilly. "Why would he call?"

"He wanted to check in. Asked how thing were going..."

"And you told him I’m fine, right? I have a job and I’m out with people more and I still eat and everything, right?" The hysteria was hitting me hard. I felt like I was going down a dark hole, the world around me only seen through a long pin hole. I was fine. Parker thought I hadn't relapsed at all, I was relatively okay. He paused for too long for my tastes. I could feel tears gathering in my eyes which I tried to blink away. "P - Parker?"

"I can’t say I believe that, Phoenix." I let out a strangled kind of sob, quickly covering my mouth with my free hand. "I'm sorry Fee. I see you talking and laughing but I feel like it’s a show. I told him about it. He believes me."

"You don’t know shit then!" I screeched, my fear suddenly turning to anger. Parker hadn't seemed to be around me at all lately. How would he know if I wasn't okay? "You've been slaving away at work and hardly ever home. How would you possibly know whether I'm just acting or not? You have no fucking clue!"

"I know my fucking sister!" Parker screamed back. I fell silent, memories slapping me in the face. I had never heard Parker scream before, not since I had been taken to Newport. That day he had screamed and cried, fighting to free himself from my father’s arms. He had ran after the transport vehicle, throwing rocks and screaming obscurities until we were out of sight. He had never been like that. He was a kind, gentle man. Who was this man I was on the phone with? "You're not her, you act nothing like her. I thought I was starting to see the old Phoenix but I don't know who you are anymore. I know nothing about you and you won’t let me in. I want to help you, damnit! But you won't let me and I don't know what else to do."

"Sending me back isn't going to help! You want me to die, don't you? That's all that will be accomplished sending me back," I growled, beginning to pace up and down the pool's length. I didn't know how I felt, there were too emotions to just pinpoint one. I was hurt, angry, sad, confused, devastated, betrayed. Out of everyone I thought Parker would always be there for me, but where was he now? On the opposite side, hoping to strip away my freedom and send me back to my own personal hell. I felt violated.

"I don't want you to go back! I would never want that." Park paused, seeming to try to figure out what to say. Finally he chose, "I want you to stay in a halfway home."

"A what?"

"A halfway home. Dr. Abrahams told me about it. A lot of other people suffering from depression and drug related problems go there. It’s like a hotel kind of thing - "

"Hotel for psychos, I get it," I stated coldly. Parker groaned. I could imagine him running a hand through his hair, making it a disaster.

"It’s a place where people just like you can help you through the process to get better."

"Like me? I'm a fucking person Parker, your goddamn sister. I'm not monster," I shouted.

"A sister I don't know what to do with anymore! I can't help you and we both know it. This is the best option for you. I don't want to have you end up like Mom!" That hurt. And he damn well knew it. We didn't speak of our mother, it was a silent agreement we had created the moment he told me she had passed when we were at the diner all those months ago. I closed my eyes, breathing deeply.

"I can't do this Parker. I'm coming home only to get some clothes and then I'm leaving. I'm not going to a fucking halfway house and I'm not going back to the hospital. I can't stay with you."

"Where are you going to go?! You have no money, no car, no license. Where do you really expect to stay?"

"Anywhere would be better than with you." I knew I had hurt him, but he had hurt me too. He wasn't the one who didn't feel safe with his own family. He knew I would never do anything to hurt him physically so he had nothing real to fear. I had to worry if my brother was going to send people after to me to swoop me up in the middle of the night and next thing I know, I’m waking up in the mental home. No, he deserved to feel hurt. "I'll be bringing my phone with me but please don't contact me. You can let it end at the end of the month, I don't care. I need time away Parker."

And with that I ended the call. I stopped right where I was on the concrete and dropped to my butt, my knees bent on either side of me. What had I just done? Maybe I should call back and apologize. Maybe I can just talk him into having me go to therapy or something...

"Nix?" I jumped when I felt a presence next to me. I looked over to see Johnny sitting cross-legged next to me with worry written all over his face. Wait, Nix? That's...new. I kind of like it. I could feel the tears pooling in my eyes and I guess Johnny could see them for I was soon pulled into his chest. I gripped onto his shirt tightly. I refused to cry, though I knew like hell I wanted to, I didn't want to cry in front of everyone. I already felt so bad for making this so sad for them, I didn't want to make it worse.

"Can you please just take me..." I trailed off. Calling it 'home' hardly seemed to be very truthful. It didn't feel like home to me. So instead I left the emptiness in the air, staring at him with wide eyes. Where was I going to go? I guess Johnny had it figured out since he gave me a soft smile.

"Let’s go. We can pick up your clothes and then we can head to my house." I nodded numbly as Johnny pulled us to our feet, leading me towards the house.

- Time Lapse -

After an hour or so I ended up curled up on Johnny’s couch, blankly staring at the television. South Park was on but my brain wouldn't acknowledge the fourth graders’ antics. We had stopped by the apartment, as promised, to be welcomed by an empty place. Parker hadn't even bothered to beat me here and talk me out of this.' Betrayed' was too weak of a word to describe the emotion that was stabbing my heart over and over again.

Soon enough, with the help of Johnny, I had packed up my clothes and the few personal items that I didn't dare part with. After a lot of convincing, Johnny had talked me into staying in his spare bedroom until I got back on my feet. I still had a job here and he was trying to convince Matt to give me a raise, though he wouldn't tell Matt why I should be paid twelve hundred dollars a week. Needless to say it didn't work well, but it did put a smile on my face.

Once upon returning to his home, I took a shower to finally rid myself of the chlorine sticking to every piece of my body. I pulled my hair up and then changed into a tank top, sweatpants, and a pullover hoodie. So here at only five o’clock in the evening, I was curled up watching a very obscene cartoon while my "roommate" gets ice cream. Honestly, I could see Johnny being the gay best friend. He doesn't ask for any details about what happened quite yet, just offers me a place to stay and ice cream.

"Here you go m'lady," Johnny spoke, plopping down next to me and offering me a small, glass bowl filled with Cookies 'n Cream ice cream. I nodded my thanks, staring at it for a moment before piling spoonful after spoonful into my mouth. I groaned after a moment, closing my eyes tightly and tapping my temple as I held my spoon between my index and middle finger. "Hey, uh, brain freezes hurt."

"Thanks Einstein, that is kind of apparent," I grumbled, rubbing at my temples to relax them. Soon enough my head was at a normal-feeling temperature. This time I ate slower, thoroughly enjoying the frozen treat. "Thank you, Johnny."

"It's fine, Nix. I couldn't just leave you with nowhere to go. I'll be damned if I let it happen again," Johnny vowed before plopping a big spoonful of ice cream into his own mouth. I raised an eyebrow, curious what his words meant. He looked at me with wide eyes, seemingly caught off guard by my stare. Around a mouthful of food he managed to ask, "What?"

"What do you mean 'let it happen again'?"

Johnny swallowed the ice cream in his mouth and fell silent. I opened my mouth to tell him to forget it when he began to talk. "You know Jimmy, our old drummer?"

"Of course!" I had a few memories of video clips I had been shown of the silly and hyperactive giant. His bright blue eyes and wide smile had always put a smile on my face, before I had even known who he was. "Who doesn't?"

"I honestly have no clue," Johnny chuckled, pushing his melting ice cream around the ceramic bowl. "Well when we were younger, he had a drug problem and his parents obviously didn't approve. He was kicked out of his home and lived in the laundromat he had worked at. Once they found out, though, he was homeless. We couldn't help for a while until Brian took him in. I wanted to help someone but I couldn't."

"I'm sure he knew you wanted to help. He knew you cared," I assured, grabbing his hand and squeezing it. It sounded kind of lame, but it was true. I have no doubt Jimmy knew they cared. He just seemed the kind of guy to do so. Johnny gave me a soft smile in thanks for my efforts.

"I know. He told us every day he loved us. Down to the last time we saw him." He frowned, looking into his bowl for another moment before placing it on the coffee table. I followed his example, not too interested in the melted treat. "He was messed up sometimes, we all were, but he was a good person. He went out of the way to help everyone he could. He didn't deserve to die so young."

"No one does," I spoke softly. I could tell he was starting to get emotional and I wanted to tell him to stop talking, I really did, but I was pretty sure I was the only one he got any of this out to. But the next thing he said took me off guard.

He turned to me, eyes covering with tears. I went to place a hand on his shoulder right when he started to talk. With my hand awkwardly halfway to him he asked, "Then why are you still cutting? You’re too young to die."

I was at a lost for words. I began to pick up my imitation of a goldfish trying to find water after having his fishbowl getting knocked over. How did he even...? I legitimately felt like throwing up. Maybe he was a psychic. Fuck me. I found the genius question of a strangled, "What?"

"I saw when we were at Matt’s," Johnny spoke, staring at the television that was still playing Comedy Central. Some new show was on. I didn't know what it was, it involved real people and stupid videos. Really not my kind of thing. "They're on your thighs and some looked new, not old like it would be if you had stopped cutting, like you told us. Why are you doing it Nix?"

"I just...I dunno," I lied, looking to the floor. Johnny wasn't having any of it though. He placed a finger under my chin, forcing me to look up. His eyes shined with vulnerability and I paled. He had just told me something personal that hurt and I couldn't even tell him something in return that he was interested in? That was the whole reason he told me about Jimmy. No, I needed to tell him.

"I just, I feel I deserve it. My mother killed herself when I was taken to the hospital. My father treats me like I am a disappointment to the entire family. Parker thinks I turned into someone else over my stay. I just feel so alone. I feel like I deserve pain. It's my fault my family is falling apart and - " By now tears were streaming down my face and I was moments from sobbing. Johnny stopped me in one of the ways I had least expected.

He kissed me.

It took me a few moments before I kissed back, not realizing how much I had wanted this for a while. His lips were so soft and warm. I forgot what it felt like to have affection from someone like this. After a few minutes, with both of us out of breath, we broke apart. He placed his forehead against mine, looking into my eyes.

"Phoenix Milligan, I care about you and I want you to promise me right now, you’ll never hurt yourself again. Nothing is your fault, I want you to stop thinking so."

I paused, staring at his extended pinky finger. I looked back to his brown orbs to see nothing but sincerity and love glowing in his eyes. I let out a small smile, hooking our fingers together.

"I promise."