I Wanna Get Well

Another week has come and passed. I laid quietly on the couch, observing Johnny as he got ready to head to the studio. On screen was a rerun of Family Guy, but I was zoning out more than actually watching it. I couldn't even tell you which episode it was. After a while of not fully watching they tend to all look the same.

"Nix?" I lazily rolled my head to look up at Johnny. His key ring was slipped over his index finger, his thumb seeming to caress the metal beneath it. His eyes flicked to the television before returning to me. He gave me a weak smile which I struggled to return but couldn't even force myself to do. "I'm going to head out. I’ll be back by five thirty. What do you want me to grab for dinner?"

"It doesn't matter," I answered, laying my head back on the armrest and concentrating as much as I could on the Griffin family. Johnny leaned down, kissed my forehead, gave a soft 'I love you', and headed to the door. I soon heard it open and close before the key turned in the lock.

For the next twenty minutes I just spent my time staring at the television. Finally I sighed, pushing myself off the couch and clicking off the TV. I trudged upstairs and entered my bedroom, tossing off the sweats and tank I was wearing. As I began to dress I flipped through the phone book, searching for a cab. When I finally located one I took out my phone, quickly typing in the number and hitting dial.

"I'm sorry, the phone you're using is no longer available to the network."

I grumbled angrily to myself, tossing the phone into my bag. Seems like its finally been disconnected. I grabbed my bag, slipped into my shoes, and grabbed the phone book before jogging down the stairs. I plucked up the house phone and dialed the number, this time getting the phone to successfully begin dialing. Soon enough I was left with the promise of a cab showing up in thirty minutes.

I placed the phone into the cradle before climbing back up the stairs again. I pushed open Johnny's door, staring into the dark room with a strong bit of hesitation. I finally forced it down, maneuvering over the hazards that Johnny called his belongings. I pulled open his top drawer, pushing his boxers to the side. Revealed to me was a few hundred dollar bills.

"Johnny, you are just begging to get robbed," I grumbled to myself, pocketing three of the bills. I pushed everything back to how it was before shutting the drawer and trekking my way back across the minefield. I shut his door before staring at the dark wood intently. "I promise to return all of it and more. I just need to do this."

So here I am, one hour later and one hundred dollars less in my pocket, in front of the apartment I hadn't seen in about three years. I waved the cab driver off. We had quite a long talk about Doctor Who and Bioshock making him probably the coolest cabbie ever. Though I hadn't seen many cabbies, him being the first, actually. But now I’m just splitting hairs.

I just walked on autopilot as I entered the building. The doorman seemed to be on break, leaving the front desk empty. That was stupid of him. It makes it too easy for a clinically upset girl to go where she wishes. They’re lucky I wasn't here to rob anyone. I hoped the person I was searching for hadn't moved out by now. I entered the elevator and pressed the '5', anxiously waiting on the short ride to my designated floor.

When the faux gold doors finally opened, I was met with a long, clean hallway. I smiled, feeling slightly at home, as I tiptoed my way down the hall. I felt like an intruder, though it wasn't quite my fault that they weren't guarded. Oh geez, here I go sounding like a robber again. I need to stop this already. I blinked, just noticing that I was in front of the very familiar apartment. I took a deep breath before raising my fist, knocking on the hollow wood.

"Coming!" A girl's voice shouted. I could feel my heartbeat quickening. I almost turned on my heels and ran back to the elevator. Back to the street level and back to Johnny's home. Back to my bedroom and my bed and call it a day. But no, there were things I had to do for myself. I couldn't hide from everything anymore. I needed to do this.

"Hell - " The red head before me trailed off, her voice faltering. She was dressed in skinny jeans and a tank top. Her feet were bare, exposing her small feet and purple painted toenails. Her hair was pulled into a high ponytail, a blue smear on her cheek showing she had been painting. Her grey eyes were wide with surprise. "Phoenix, I didn't think - "

"I don't think anyone would expect me to show up Carly," I joked. She opened her mouth to say something but I chuckled, stopping her. "Seriously Carly, its no problem. I get it. From what I've heard people still think I'm in the hospital."

"Yeah. Parker never said anything to hint that you were out," Carly spoke, seeming to be lost in thought. Suddenly her eyes bulged and she looked very nervous. I smirked on the outside, but I was enraged on the inside.

"So he has been in contact with you! I thought so." Carly grinned sheepishly at the ground. After all that shit I gave Parker about trying to get back with her, he finally does and doesn't decide to tell me anything? Or her for that matter it seems.

"Oh! How rude of me. Come in, come in!" She sidestepped to give me more room to enter. I followed the short hallway to her living room, staring around. Nothing much had changed. It was still intensely tiddy, only her corner with the paint supplies messy. She nodded her towards the balcony door and we both stepped out into the Los Angeles air. We each sat down on one of her cushioned chairs, offering me a cigarette as she pulled out her pack. We both lit one up and were silent for the first two puffs.

"So how has the painting going?" I asked, nudging my head back towards her living room. She let out a long sigh of smoke and shrugged lightly.

"Same as always, I guess. Some days are good and some days are bad. Some days I want to kiss my paints and sometimes I want to set them on fire out of frustration." She paused, grinning over at me. "And I wouldn't trade it for the world."

"I'm glad. I would probably raise hell if you quit. You"re too good for that."

"I don't know about all that," Carly laughed, waving her hand at me as if to swat away the compliment. I just smiled, taking another drag off of my cigarette. "You still play with that fiddle of yours?"

"Violin," I corrected, shoving her lightly on the shoulder. "And no, I haven't been. Mine got broken in the hospital and I haven't had the money to buy a new one."

"Well that sucks," Carly commented, taking a pull from her cancer stick. I nodded in agreement, frowning at the memory of my violin breaking. I had gone into a rage, I'm not even sure what about anymore, and had the bright idea to smash Marlin on my wall. Yes, I named it but it had been with me since I was fourteen. I think I had the right to name it. "Don’t worry, soon you'll find something you love to do that will make you money while you're enjoying yourself."

"I don't think anyone would want to enlist in a mental case," I muttered, leaning my head back against the seat. Carly clicked her tongue at me.

"You're not going to fully become normal again unless you stop insisting you're crazy. If you're crazy, then I'd love to see what a maniac looks like. You're as normal as I am."

"Well that's not saying much," I scoffed. It was her turn to playfully smack me on the shoulder.

"Shut up." We shared a laugh before it went silent again. I took my last puff before putting out the bud in her ashtray. I finally looked at her again to see her staring off into the distance. From her balcony you could see the ocean, a beautiful thing it was. It was a sea of glitter with the sunlight bouncing off the waves.

"How is Parker doing?" She turned to me with a frown and before she could say anything I began to explain. "I moved out a couple of weeks ago to live with my boyfriend Johnny. He hasn't spoken to me, but had Dad call me last week to try and talk me into going to see my psychiatrist again. I don't need to. I’m finally happy again and becoming the old me."

Carly was silent for a moment as she put her cigarette out. She turned to me, placing her elbow on the armrest and her chin in her palm. She pursed her lips, studying me. I tried to hold her gaze but failed, instead looking back to the skyline. Suddenly I could feel tugging at the bottom of my shorts, pulling up to show more of my thigh. I tried to stop her but it was already too late. Underneath my tights you could see the obvious, red cuts on my inner leg. I pushed her hand away, pulling the shorts back to their normal spot.

"Happy, huh?" Carly jeered. I pursed my own lips, staring at my lap. I heard Carly sigh and stand to her feet. "You can lie to Parker all you want, but don't you dare lie to me. You know how hurt I was when you didn't tell me something was wrong at the beginning. And then I had to find you when you..."

I nodded, mumbling an apology. I had known for Carly so long, she was practically my sister. I told her everything, and she did the same to me. But I didn't tell her of my self harm. And it was worse when I was found, the same day I was taken to Newport. I don't remember why I had tried it, and I feel stupid for it. I tried to take my own life and I can't remember why. In the end Carly found me sprawled across the bathroom floor with cuts on my thighs and a half empty bottle of sleeping pills on the ground.

"I'm sorry," I spoke quietly after a few moments of silence. She just nodded. I sighed, standing to my feet and walking towards the glass doors. "I’ll just leave."

"Why Fee?" Carly spoke quietly, grabbing my forearm before I could slide the door open. I looked over at her with a blank face. I looked at my arm as I thought.

"I’m just not as happy as I thought."

- Time Lapse -

By the time I returned home an hour and a half later with only fifty dollars in my pocket (the cabbie was not cool this time), Johnny's vehicle was already parked in the driveway. I took a deep breath before opening the door. As soon as I did I heard running footsteps. Not only did Johnny emerge from the entertainment room, but so did Zacky. Johnny rushed forward and pulled me into a tight hug.

"I was so worried! You didn't leave a note and your phone said it was disconnected." He released me but cradled my face in his hands. His eyes scanned my face and frowned, looking into my eyes. "Are you okay? Where'd you go?"

"I went to visit an old friend for a while," I replied, gingerly grasping his hands to remove them from my face. I laid my fingers with his, staring at his button up shirt. "Why are you back so soon?"

"Brian has a stomach bug and Matt decided to just let us leave earlier. Babe, what's wrong?"

I sniffed, trying to will myself not to break down and cry. I didn't want to cry in front of him. I didn't want to cause more pain than what was necessary. And if I started crying it would only make him react seven times worse. I couldn't do that to Johnny. I was already going to hurt him enough. "I talked to Carly very intensely. And I've decided I can't do this."

"Do what?" He leaned his head down to be able to look me in the eyes. His brown orbs were beginning to look very sad and disappointed. "Do - do us?"

"No, no. I love you, and that's why I have to do this. You deserve someone who is more put together. Someone who isn't a basket case. And I want to become that person, so that's why I have to do this."

"Do what? Babe, what are you talking about?"

"I have to - " I took a deep breath, closing my eyes. Everything was getting too close, too uncomfortable. I sniffled again, squeezing my eyes as if it would freeze all movements of the tears that were collecting. I opened them again to stare intensely at Johnny. "I need to go back to Newport."

He stared at me for a moment, looked back at Zack who was stone faced, and then stared back at me. A smile broke onto his face. "That's funny Nix. Kind of a morbid joke, but still good."

I shook my head solemnly, biting my lip. "It's not joke Johnny. I need to go back."

As he finally realized I was seriously his eyes grew wide. He tried to say something but his voice caught, nothing coming out. Zacky stepped forward, placing a hand on his shoulder. He looked past him to stare at me. There was a sadness in his eyes but nowhere near as deeply as Johnny's contained. "How long?"

"As long as it takes." I looked at Johnny again to see his eyes pooling with tears. "I'm sorry Johnny. But its best for both of us."

"Its best? How can you say that?! You're going to leave me. I was happy again, and you were happy. Yet you're leaving? You were miserable there, why wouldn't you be miserable now?" Johnny demanded.

"But you don't understand. Yes, I was miserable being alone. Oh, it hurt so much. But I was getting better there. I wasn't trying to hurt myself or take my life. I left too early. I thought I was ready but I wasn't. I need to go back, I need to be better. Things are different this time."

"How is it different?!" Johnny shouted, his hands turning to fists at his sides.

"I'm going willing. I'm surrendering and recognizing by myself that I need help."

"I can help! We all can!"

"No, Johnny. As much as it pains me to say, you can't help. None of you can." Johnny let out a shout of frustration, grabbing fistfuls of his hair and he paced in a small circle in the front entrance. He suddenly stopped, walking up to me and grabbing my shoulders. Tears were pouring down his cheeks, his eyes turning red.

"There has to be something I can do. Tell me, Nix. Please, just tell me. Anything, anything at all. Please," he begged. My heart began to beat erratically. It never occurred to me that he could be this torn. It was stronger than Parker's anger last time, more intense. I didn't think it was possible but here it was, staring me in the face.

He really did love me.

I cradled his face in my hands and offered a tired smile. I kissed him deeply, him hastily returning the kiss. When I tried to part he attempted to keep our lips together. With a bit of struggle I pushed his face away. "I'm sorry Johnny. I love you, I really do. I need to do this. You have to understand."

"I don't. I don't understand. Please," he turned to me with eyes filled with so much sorrow that my heart felt a tug. Tears began to pour down his cheeks. "Please stay."

"I can't," I choked. I gave Zacky a look that pleaded with him. He nodded, stepping forward to place his hands on Johnny's shoulders. Johnny tried to squirm out of his grasp as I stepped back. I shook my head. "I'm sorry Johnny, I'm so sorry."