I Wanna Get Well

Phoenix’s P.O.V.

I awoke, squinting against the morning light I still wasn't quite used to. I shut my eyes again, letting my head lean back against the pillow again, and began to question myself on why I would want to wake up right now. It was early - probably around seven - and I was not a very good morning person anymore. And then it dawned on me. It was the fifth day of being at the hospital.

It was time for my door to be opened!

I squealed, jumping out of bed and doing a small dance. I was so excited I was even willing to look over the fact it was another therapy day. I hated therapy, but I hated my door shut all the time even more. So I quickly grabbed my change of clothes and sat on my bed, impatiently bouncing my leg. I stared at the crack that ran vertically up the wall. It was rather small, and would usually go unnoticed by people if they had better things to do than just stare at the walls of their room all day.

I heard a key in the lock which made me jump to my feet, hugging my clothes to my chest. A familiar, redheaded woman was smiling at me from the door. Her pearly whites were quite blinding. “Hullo Fee. Time for the shower. And today’s the big day!”

“I’m not leaving yet,” I joked.

“Okay, well, second biggest day, then. Don’t worry, we only have a few people on open door privileges right now. New batch of people yesterday. No one seems to like playing nice,” she told me as she led me down the hallway. She worked another key on her ring on the door we stopped in front of. Once she pushed it open a room about the size as mine was visible. In the back corner was a walk-in shower and a stand with towels folded on it. “Okay Fee, the room’s all yours. I’ll be back in ten minutes. Gotta go help Agnes pass out breakfast.”

“Thanks Renee.” She smiled at me before leaving, the door locking after her. I quickly shed out of my clothes before climbing in the shower. I probably stood under the hot water a little too long but everything was just so refreshing today. Once I finished with everything and dried myself off as much as I could, I pulled on my clothes in a pretty unnecessary haste. It may sound stupid, but I want to be able to be outside and have a smoke in the sunlight without glass separating me from it. After being stuck in here for four days it doesn't seem so silly.

I pulled my hair into a ponytail and anxiously waited for Renee’s return. It was only a few minutes - which felt like hours - and the door I had been staring at swung open. Renee’s smiling face was back. I returned it before she led me to my room. She left me as I deposited my dirty pajamas into the hamper and then grabbed my pack. Turning around, a large grin took over my face at seeing my door ajar.

I don’t think I've ever been so happy to see an open door.

I quickly traced my steps to the showers. I then hurried past to see another door, this one metal. Leonel, who was on door duty, smiled politely at me. “You’re good to go. Only fifteen minutes since its the morning, though.”

“No problem.”

Leonel stood from his seat making it squeak from it adjusting to the absence of his weight. I don’t think the hospital ever bothered to buy new chairs. It was rusting and was amazing to hold it’s own under Leonel’s bulging muscles. Matt has some real competition. Using a silver key from his ring that challenged Renee’s, he unlocked the back door. Pushing it open, he stepped to the side to allow me to step out. He added, “Charlie’s out there, too.”

I nodded, heading to the small table on the patio as the door shut behind me. I settled into the unoccupied, metal chair as I pulled out my cigarette and lit it with one of the matches in the book located next to the ashtray. Once I shook out the small flame, I leaned back in my chair as I let out a thin trail of smoke. I looked over at the occupant next to me with a bowed head of black hair.

Charlie was a boy at the hospital, only fifteen. I met him at the last group therapy that the two of us and one other patient, Mrs. Strimmers, had attended two days ago. I didn't know much about him though because he never talked around patients or the staff. I thought he was mute but Dr. Abrahams assured me that he was quite the talker in their therapy sessions.

But only the personal one-on-one sessions.

“Morning Charlie,” I spoke with a smile. He looked up and gave me one in return that was accented by dimples. He gave me a curt nod before surrendering his attention to the garden again.

The hospital had been kind enough to use the area from the edge of the small patio to the wall about twenty feet away as a “retreat” for patients. They had planted marvelous flowers in rows and small clusters along the short walkway that looped in a sloppy oval. It was a beautiful place and, unlike my room, I could gladly stare at the scene for hours.

This was the place that Charlie spent most of his free time. From what I heard from Renee, he abused the privilege more than he technically should. But since he was the youngest and (obviously) the quietest patient here, everyone was more than happy to spoil him. I had so many questions for Charlie - why was here and how long - but I knew I’d feel like I was being rude. And even if I did, how would he tell me the answers? I wouldn't expect him to break his silence for me, someone who was equivalent to a stranger. I knew I could ask Renee or Agnes, both who would tell me only because I would keep it to myself, but that would make me feel even more rude.

Soon the back door was opening behind us. I looked back to see Agnes. She sent me a wave which I returned. She called to Charlie’s back, “Time to come in Charlie! Let’s get you some breakfast!”

Charlie slowly pushed himself out of his chair, obviously displeased and reluctant to leave. He gave me the same smile and nod before sulking back to the door, his eyes lingering on the flowers for as long as he could. As it clicked shut I settled more comfortably into my seat again. I knew it wouldn't be too long before someone would come to get me too.

It just so happened that that someone came just as I put out my cigarette bud. Renee beckoned me over when I turned to look. I shoved my pack into my pocket as I took my time walking over. Soon enough she was leading me down the hall. We took a left and stopped in front of a set of double doors. She smiled once more before leaving, allowing me to step inside on my own. It was a small room with a few tables. We referred to this as the cafeteria but it had a variety of uses. Right now it was simply set up for eating breakfast.

I plopped down at the table Agnes, who was on duty for watching and making sure we didn't get into fights, motioned towards. Three seats over was Charlie who was eating some cereal and across the table from me was this woman named Savanna. She was twenty-two and had first been brought in a week before I left last time. She had tried to kill herself multiple times and had been placed here. She seems to have gotten a bit better from what I've heard, but still nowhere near okay.

“Phoenix!” She exclaimed, her eyes wide. “You look so great! What are you doing back here?”

“Thanks Vanna. You’re looking pretty good yourself. But, y’know, I just kind of learned the hard way that I wasn't ready to leave yet. So, here I am.” Agnes placed down a plate of toast, bacon, and a sliced orange in front of Savanna and I. We thanked her and I instantly started to munch on a piece of bacon. “How have you been?”

“Making progress,” she spoke, then nodding with her words. “I haven’t been feeling suicidal lately. Still sad, but it’s better, I guess.”

I smiled and nodded, holding my hand up. We gave each other a high five before Agnes chided us. We weren't technically supposed to have any direct contact but everyone cheats when the staff isn't looking. “I’m on the same boat.”

“You really seem a lot better than when you left, though.” She studied me for a moment before shaking her half eaten piece of toast at me. “You got a guy, didn't you?”

I chuckled nervously, rubbing my neck. I forgot about Savanna’s renown sixth sense of knowing random things about people. It was like she was physic but could only see stupid, insignificant things. Oh geeze, I just indirectly called Johnny insignificant. Whoops. “Yeah, I did.”

“What did he say about coming back?” She asked, her eyes wide. She hadn't been much of a dating person in her life on the outside, in fact she hardly grasped the concept of a relationship. According to her, her parents had divorced when she was in her mother’s belly and her mother never quite got back around to the scene. Growing up she had no interest in people and therefore never got what it was like aside from the media and other people talking about it.

“He, uh, he wasn't too happy. But I needed to do this. Hopefully he understands by now.” I muttered the last part more to myself as I finished off my bacon pieces but I knew Savanna had heard me. I looked up to see Charlie staring at me with large, brown eyes. I blinked out of surprise but his stare was relentless. I fidgeted in my seat uncomfortably. “Wha - what?”

He reached into his pocket and it emerged clutching a paper and pen. I looked over at Agnes with wide eyes and she just nodded. Obviously this was how Charlie spoke if he had anything he wanted to say. I was important enough for him to need to write to me? I had a feeling it wasn't a very good note he was scribbling. After a few pen strokes he passed the paper to me. Before I took in the words I just stared at the writing. It was like calligraphy with how pretty and fancy it looked. My cursive was terrible, my print not far behind it.

You didn't really talk to him. But if he is right for you, he will understand.

I looked up again to see him staring back at the table, waiting for when Agnes escorted all of us back to our rooms. I folded the paper in half, slipping it into my pocket. It was strange that he was able to see through my lie. (Who was I kidding? It was a pathetic attempt of a lie. A toddler could see through it.) But what was more impressive was how simple yet deep what he said was. And he was only fifteen! Smart kid. Maybe he was in a similar position. I opened my mouth to ask him, but instead decided to eat my toast. Just because he told me that didn't give me the right to intrude on his life.

Besides, Savanna was still anxiously listening and I didn't want him to subject to anything around her.

By the time I had finished my second piece of toast I was full. I offered my orange to Charlie who nodded and smiled at me, his version of ‘thanks’. I waited patiently as the time ticked by. Savanna and I made small talk but none of it had any kind of significance that I would be able to repeat to people later. After about twenty minutes Agnes tapped me on the shoulder. “Dr. Abrahams would like to know if you just want to get therapy over now.”

I gave an exaggerated sigh. “I guess.”

I stood, giving a short wave to Charlie and Savanna, before following Agnes out of the room. That’s what you did a lot of here: following people. That, and stopping in front of closed doors. Agnes rasped on the wooden entrance to Dr. Abrahams office before popping her head in. “Phoenix is here.”

“Ah, good. Thank you Agnes.” She stepped back to allow me in before leaving and shutting the door behind her. I sank into the cushioned armchair that was in the corner of the room. Dr. Abrahams stood from his desk, grabbing his clipboard, and settled into the chair next to mine. He gave me a smile which I nervously returned. I may have done this countless times but every time was like the first. I got extremely nervous and the only thing I wanted to do was shut down. “Good morning Phoenix.”

“Good morning Doctor,” I spoke automatically. It was like the response was drilled into my head. I couldn't say anything else in reply if I tried.

“How are you today?”

I stopped and thought over this simple question. Such a casual conversation like this could actually mean so many things just by how I replied. I never understood all this psychology stuff, but it was very complicated. And Dr. Abrahams was very good with deciphering all the complicated stuff. He should try working out ancient languages or something in his free time. “I’m okay. A bit better than last time.”

“That couldn't have anything to do with your door open, could it?” I simply grinned in reply. He knew the answer, I could tell by the smile he wore. “Let me ask you this Phoenix, why does an opened door seem to mean so much to people?”

“It gives them a sense of trust. And of freedom. You gotta understand Doc, a lot of people here feel as if they’re in prison or something when they first get here. Its tough for some people.”

“But not for you. You've seemed to be able to pull through it twice now.”

“I’m not that great,” I instantly objected. “I mean, I’m here again, aren't I?”

“That’s where you’re wrong Phoenix,” Dr. Abrahams spoke, leaning forward in his seat and clasping his hands together. “You’re a very strong and brave person for that. It takes a lot of guts for someone to come back to a place like this after getting out. If I were in your shoes, I don’t think I could do it.”

“Well, Doctor, I don't think anyone would want to be in my shoes.”