I Wanna Get Well

Parker and I had decided on a simple diner that was on our way to the West Coast Highway. I had been amazed to see people walking up and down the streets, doing whatever they pleased with no one to argue with them. It felt so surreal to be one of those people now. And the beach had never looked so lovely. The only time I had seen a beach these past two years was through a television screen. Huntington Beach was only a short distance away, but I couldn’t wait for food. I hadn’t eaten breakfast this morning for my nervousness of leaving the hospital.

As Parker pulled the door open for me to walk in first, a bell sounded over our heads. I jumped slightly, having to remind myself to not tense up. I was easily scared nowadays. I smiled weakly at Parker when he frowned at me. “Two years away from society can really mess with you.”

“I can imagine so,” he murmured, still frowning. He led us over to a booth towards the back of the establishment. It was far away from the other participants but it was close to the outside wall so I could still watch the ocean from the booth. It was so majestic, I suddenly felt like running around in it instead of eating. I was caught off guard when a young woman – about my age, actually – walked up to our table with menus.

“Hello, my name is Stephanie and I’ll be your waitress today,” she greeted with a bubbly attitude. She reminded me of how I used to act on my 'good days'. She handed us each a menu before pulling out her notepad and poising her pen over the paper. “What can I get you two to drink?”

“Coke please,” Parker spoke, trailing his eyes over the menu already. Stephanie nodded, writing something on the pad before smiling back at me. I bit my lip as I looked at the few drink options.

“Strawberry lemonade,” I finally decided with a soft nod of my head.

“Got it,” Stephanie chirped. She placed the notepad back in the pocket on her apron and grinned again. “I’ll be right back with your drinks.”

“Thank you.” She nodded before skipping off. I liked her. I finally focused on my menu again which was spread out on the table in front of me. I was stuck at my choices again. After having no options for so long, decisions were very nerve wracking.

“Any idea of what you want?” I jumped slightly, looking up at Parker quickly. He held up his hands on either side of his head, a sign of surrender. “Okay, no more surprising you.”

“It’s fine. I need to get use to that kind of stuff anyways,” I remarked, shrugging. I looked down at my menu again and settled on chicken nuggets and fries. I ate it all the time before going in, I wanted to remember what they tasted like. “Yeah, I’m good.”

“Here are your drinks!” Stephanie placed them down in front of the respected person. She placed down two straws before pulling out her notepad again. “Are you ready to order?”

“Yup,” Parker replied, popping his ‘p’. After we told her what we wanted she picked up our menus and skipped off after promising our orders would be ready shortly. I ripped the wrapping off my straw and pushed it into the pink liquid in my cup, making a soft ‘clink’ as ice was pushed out of its way. I took a small sip and smiled, the memories of the taste flooding my brain.

“I’ve missed this sooo much.”

“I can tell. You’re practically glowing,” Parker remarked before taking a sip of his drink through his own straw. I grimaced as the dark liquid could be seen going into his mouth.

“And I can tell you still haven’t stopped with the damn junk food. I mean, seriously? You ordered a cheeseburger with onion rings?”

“Okay, mom, just because you eat a bit healthier than me doesn’t mean you can jump down my throat,” Parker whined, like he had a lot before I was hospitalized. I had a bad habit of getting onto what he ate and drank, even growing up.

“How is Mom doing?” I asked suddenly. Parker was caught off guard and sobered up, staring into his drink. I instantly thought the worst, my breath catching in my throat. “Parker?”

“She’s uhm, she’s gone, Fee.”

“You mean…?” Parker nodded in reply. I felt tears gather in my eyes, but I quickly blinked them away. My worst fears were confirmed. She was dead. “How long?”

“Her funeral was two months ago.” Parker understood my questioning stare and sighed. “She was…she was upset about Dad making you go to the hospital and the doctors not letting you leave. She overdosed on her heart medicine. We didn’t want to tell you because you had made the progress so you could surprise her. We didn’t want you to go downhill again.”

“It’s not fair to me Parker,” I sniffled, taking a napkin out of the dispenser to wipe my eyes clear. It felt so surreal. Moments ago I had believed she was alive. Now she was gone, just like that. I thought of all the memories I had of her from growing up and felt like I was getting stabbed in the heart. Besides Parker, Mom was like my best friend. How could this happen? I felt Parker place a hand over one of mine and forced myself to look at him. His face showed understanding and comfort at the same time.

“I know Phoenix, but if we would have told you while you were still in there, you wouldn’t have anyone to help you through it. Now that you’re out here and I told you, you have someone to go through it with.”

I nodded, his words making sense. I didn’t even know what I would have done if I would have been still in the hospital. Knowing how I was I would have thrown a tantrum until I was placed in solitary confinement where I wouldn’t have spoken for who knows how long. I would probably still be in there, I thought with a scary realization.

“How is Dad taking her passing?”

“He’s not taking it very well. He moved back to Reno. He’s occupying himself by staying at Grammy’s for a while to take care of her as she waits for a new nurse.”

“How long has he been staying there?”

“He’s been there since the day we found her in the bathroom. He couldn’t even bring himself to attend the funeral. He hasn’t made any hints at coming back either,” Parker replied softly. I sighed, running a hand through my hair. I didn’t even bother asking about getting her number to contact him. Parker didn’t hint to it and I knew our father would never admit to it, but he put our mother's passing on my head. I couldn’t really blame him, I kind of blamed myself too.

“How about Carly? Please tell me you and Carly are still okay?” Parker was silent at the mention of his girlfriend's name, staring out the window towards the ocean. I covered my face with my hands and had to hold back tears. “What happened?”

“We just didn’t click anymore and ended it. We were different people and decided to move on,” Parker replied. I slammed my hands down and glared at him. He looked surprised and a few people in the diner looked over at our table before quickly looking away again.

“Don’t you sit here and lie to me. You two have been going out since your high school year. What is the real reason?”

Parker sighed, studying the outside world again. “You know I was upset when Dad sent you off to Newport. Well I took time to just lock myself in my room and listen to music, rarely eating. I stopped doing anything but working and lying in bed. Carly knew I was distancing myself and was frustrated with me because we didn’t do anything anymore. She left me, telling me I needed to get myself in order before she could stay with me. She left me a year and a half ago, and I haven’t heard from her since.”

Five months, five months was all it took for a four year relationship to get shot down the hole. And guess what? It was all because of me, again. This was starting to become a common pattern and I wasn’t sure if I could handle that guilt hanging over my head. I reminded myself that this was how my anxiety started up, feeling guilty because my family had been so worried about me they sent me to Newport. I had to keep a hold on my emotions or I’d be at square one on the drawing board. After all that people went through because of my mess up, I couldn't do it again.

“Here’s your food, guys!” Stephanie chirped. Parker softly thanked her before she shuffled off awkwardly. She could obviously tell the difference in the atmosphere and intended to avoid it as much as possible.

“Look Fee, none of it is your fault. We’re going to start all over on our lives, both of us. We can do this together,” Parker finally reassured, smiling at me. I returned it weakly.

I sure as hell hope we can.