I Wanna Get Well

The morning had gone by so fast today. It was a few days later and after we had eaten, I spent all morning getting dressed. Savanna had helped me braid my hair - she calls herself the Braid Master and I can’t really argue - and then went through my whole dresser with me. I had tried on different things but she had shook her head at it all until I put on the dress I was currently wearing. She squealed and then picked out my shoes and my single piece of jewelry. She informed me that her sister knew a lot about fashion and on occasions like this you shouldn't overdo it with accessorizing. It would take from my “natural beauty”.

What day is it, you may ask. Visiting day!

Yes, yes, I’m doing that thing where I’m being silly again. And again, I will argue with you. Once you have been in this place for the week like I have, you want to look good when seeing people from outside the hospital. You don’t want people to think that this is one of those evil mental hospitals people make stories out of on the internet. You want to look your best so they think ‘oh, she looks good for being in a hospital. They must be working wonders in there’.

So here I sat on my bed, anxiously awaiting someone to come get me. I had a cigarette in my mouth as I sat on the window seal, my legs crossed at the knees. If I wasn't in a hospital and felt good about myself, I’d feel like I was a model. Edgy girl smoking a cigarette in an elegant looking dress? Definitely sounds like a centerfold about a girl who was addicted to crack or something. Maybe I could be in a grunge magazine.

Oh God, I’m degrading myself to a crack addict.

“Phoenix?” I jumped, nearly dropping my cigarette on myself. That would have been terrible. I rarely wear this dress, but I fancied it. A hole in it would have ruined it and therefore I would have to bury it in the garden and give it a tombstone. I looked up to see Agnes poker faced in my doorway. “You have visitors.”

I grinned widely, putting out my bud in the ashtray next to me. I hopped down and smoothed my dress out. I followed behind Agnes, waving to the staff along with Charlie (I was given a small smile and nod) and Savanna (who mouthed ‘you got this’ with a thumbs up). Instead of leading me to the entrance of the hospital she led me to the cafeteria. I frowned as we stopped outside the double doors. “What’s going on Agnes? I thought you said I had visitors.”

“You do,” she stated simply. She pushed open a door and gently prodded me forward by lightly pushing on my lower back. I did so and looked around the room. I missed them on the first look somehow. I didn't understand how since they were both dressed in dark clothes. Maybe it was because they were sitting. Either way I could feel myself stiffen up and the color drain from my face when I finally saw them.

In front of me at one of the only table still set up sat Parker and my father, William.

“Fee, you look beautiful,” my father spoke as he stood to his feet. He stepped forward but made sure to keep out of arm’s length. Parker had refused to stand, staring at me as though I could shoot lasers from my eyes and annihilate him on the spot. Oh, how I wish I could. That would make this day even better.

“How did you know I was here?” I demanded. I had made it clear to Dr. Abrahams after day one that I didn't want Parker or my father to know I was here. I want to believe he didn't tell them, but if he thought it was ‘right’, he might have done so anyways.

“Carly told me,” Parker interrupted, standing from his seat as if he was doing so to be keep a wall against me. Whelp, looks like I owe an apology to Dr. Abrahams for doubting him. “She was worried that you’d be forgotten by your friends. Dad and I wanted to make sure you had people to fall back on when they failed you.”

“They won’t fail me. If anyone were to fail me, it’d be you two. All you did was push me to come here when I thought I was happy. You wouldn't give me a chance to prove I was better.”

“And look where you ended back up,” Dad pointed out, matter of factly. “We were right all along and you didn't listen to us.”

“You know what? I really don’t have to stand here and take this. Go back to your lives. Go back to your job, and you to Grammy.”

“I can’t,” Dad spoke softly. My breath caught in my throat and my vision began to narrow. All I could see was my father’s pain filled face. “Grammy passed away. Three days ago.”

I stepped forward, sinking into the chair across from where Parker and Dad had sat. I could feel myself going numb. What kind of dream was this? This had to be some kind of nightmare. Maybe I was still in bed, making things up in my excitement for visiting day. My mind was creating horrible stories just to scare me. I’d be waking up in a couple of minutes, I know it. “What? How?”

“She was old. She passed away in her sleep. It was painless,” he whispered, sinking into his own seat. I nodded. At least she didn't suffer at all. She deserved that much. It fell silent at the table. We were probably all reliving memories we had with her. I know I was. This couldn't be a dream, it hurt too much.

“So when’s the service?”

“We won’t be having one.” My father quickly continued as I opened my mouth to spew to him about what a terrible man he was. “She had made very specific wishes to not hold a service. She didn't want everyone to fuss. And yes, this was when she was in full control of everything in her head. She was cremated and her ashes were buried in a small plot next to Granddad.”

I fell silent again, nodding. If that’s what she wanted I couldn't argue too much. “What about her house? Are you staying there?”

“She wanted it to be given to Lilith and Mike since they have Silvia and Bruce to look after,” my father spoke. I barely remembered our cousins. Mike was Mom’s sister Josephine’s son. I hadn't seen them since I was ten. They were very kind people, as was shown when they offered to pay for my mother’s services when she passed. (That I had been informed of by Parker when I got out.) “I’m going to be moving into a house I found in Huntington Beach.”

“You’re going to...” I shook my head at the thought. “Why don’t you just move back into the old house?”

“It reminds me too much of your mother,” Dad spoke. He had said it so softly that, if I didn't know better, I wouldn't have thought he spoke at all. It fell silent again. I couldn't stand it anymore.

“Why are you even bothering to move back?” Dad looked taken aback and Parker looked ready to scream. “Why don’t you just stay in Reno? You’d be near the rest of the family.”

“Because I’m not leaving my children behind.”

“You had a pretty easy time doing it before,” I snapped.

“That’s enough Phoenix!” Parker hissed at me. As I opened my mouth to lash out at him, my father interrupted.

“I know I've made mistakes Phoenix, but I want to make up for it. I should have been here for you when you started to go downhill. I should have listened to you about the hospital. And I should have been here for your brother when your mother passed. I can’t go back and change that, but I want to be here for you now.”

“You forgave this piece of crap?” I demanded from my brother. He met my stare and held it, determination blazing in his eyes.

“Yes, I did. Because I made mistakes too. I blamed him for you having to go away and for Mom’s death. But I realized he was doing what he thought was right.”

“You’re such a great manipulator William, you really are,” I snarled, glaring at the man before me. I turned back to Parker with a wild look to my eyes. I knew that’s how I looked because Parker’s eyes grew wide, much like he did when I entered my maniacal rages. “Do you even know why Mom didn't want to be near him, even before I left? Don’t you want to know why I was found with a half empty bottle of pills?”

“That’s enough Phoenix,” my father said with a kind of finality that made me rush with my next set of words.

“Why he quickly hauled me off to the first place he could dump me? Why he even moved to Reno to begin with?”

“He went to take care of Grammy! You know that yourself!” Parker exclaimed. I could see Leonel, who was standing by the door, fidgeting. He was obviously wondering how he should handle the situation if it were to get out of hand.

“Oh, that might have been part of the truth. It was a lovely cover for him to pull, but I know better,” I sneered. Dad stood out of his chair, slamming his palm against the table.

“Stop it Phoenix!”

“Dad is a fucking cheater!” It fell dead silent in the room. Parker’s eyes were twice their normal size and Dad was shaking with anger. “Yeah, didn't expect that out of our lovely pop, huh?”

“Leave it be Phoenix. It’s in the past.”

“Not for Parker! It’s not fair for him. You never even fucking told him!” Dad was quiet but still looking ready to smack me across the face. I grinned sarcastically at him before focusing on my brother once more. “You know all those business trips he had? Only half of them were for the company. The other half was for his little lady friend in Reno. I’m the one who found out. He got a call from her on the house phone. Mom was taking you to the doctor and I heard it all. Dad threatened to kick me out of the house if I told Mom at all.”

“It’s not true,” Parker whispered.

“Oh, but it is. Isn't that right, William?” He remained mute, staring at the wall across the room. “Because of him I began to get very nervous about what I knew. I got so frustrated with myself because I was too much of a wimp to tell Mom about it. I got depressed and started eating less. Well one day the home wrecker called again, demanding Dad divorce Mom and move, leaving us behind. Dad was considering it and I couldn't take it anymore; I told Mom. Dad screamed and yelled at me and I began cutting, blaming myself for ruining our family and making Mom so upset. I even tried to kill myself because he just loved to verbally abuse me any chance he got. Dad took that for granted and shipped me off to Newport.”

The only sound in the room was Dad’s heavy breathing at the end of the story. I could tell Parker was struggling to take it all in. I felt bad for him. It was a lot to absorb, especially since the man at the source of all the problems had done all in his power to brainwash you. I looked at the clock on the wall and saw it was almost noon. The guys would be here soon, I knew it. So I stood from my seat, causing both Parker and William to look at me.

“You guys have things to discuss and I have people to see. It was good to see you Parker.” With that I walked over to Leonel who led me out of the room. Instead of taking me back to my room, he took me to the front entrance. After being buzzed in by Renee he left me to sit in the waiting room. I began to bounce my leg and twiddle my thumbs. I didn't really think this out. They would probably decide to instantly leave and walk by here to do so, seeing me yet again. My dramatic exit would be for nothing.

Look at me; of all things in the world I could be worried about I decided to pick my stupid action movie exit. I guess it would have suited the idea better if I had blown something up as I walked out, slipping on a pair of aviators to finish the job. Now I know I’m nervous, rambling was something I always did when I was nervous. I could be the greatest companion to The Doctor, he always rambles. I could ramble back.

“Fee!” I let out a scream as I was plucked off my seat and twirled in the air. I clung to the figure for dear life, my eyes probably the picture perfect image of a deer in headlights. I was soon placed on the floor again and staring at a smiling Zack.

“Never, ever, do that again,” I huffed out, lightly smacking his upper arm. He chuckled, hugging me. “Where’s everyone else?”

“Okay, so, how do we go about checking her out?” Zacky asked Renee, completely ignoring my question. She was smiling widely and I knew what she was thinking. So this is her boyfriend. I would have corrected her but I didn't have the energy to do so.

“There’s nothing to do, just make sure to bring her back by three.” I raised an eyebrow at her which made her giggle. “You left at one o’clock, got it? At least that’s what my time says.”

“Thank you so much Renee!” I was going to hug her and offer her my soul, but Zack had already grabbed my hand and ran towards the exit. Soon enough I was stepping into the blinding sun. I squeezed my eyes shut and let out a small groan. I felt Zack pull my hand, leading me forward. Once he stopped and let go, I opened my eyes again.

And before me, in his awkward and beautiful self, was Johnny Seward. As much as I wanted to hug him and kiss him until I couldn't breathe, I didn't. I hesitated. I hesitated because as much as I knew I loved and cared for him, I wasn't sure if he knew it. He looked terrible. He looked like he hadn't slept in days and hadn't bathed in longer. He stared at me as if he didn't really know if I was there or not. Was he even here?

“Hello,” I finally choked out. Yes, I realize it was completely stupid and lame, but I was under pressure and pressure wasn't cool.

“Hi.” He ran a hand through his greasy hair and sighed. “Look, this is going to sound incredibly dumb and corny, but just let me say it, okay?” I nodded uneasily. He sighed again before slipping his hands into his jean pockets.

“I’m stupid. I’m one of the biggest idiots on the planet. I made this all about me. You’re getting better for you, yes, but I realize now you’re also doing it for me. Although I don’t agree with it, I learned I just need to support you. It doesn't matter if I feel the world’s against me. Out of the two of us, I’m the spoiled one. I can do what I want and when I want. And now I just want to help you with this and make you feel comfortable with making one of the most difficult decisions of your life.”

He cupped my face between his hands and rested his forward against mine. Looking in my eyes, he continued.

“I want you to be as happy as I am with you. I acknowledge I can’t help you alone, but I’m not angry for it anymore. I just want these doctors to do everything they can to help you get better. I want to be here for you when you get out. I want to show you the world through new eyes when you’re better. And no matter how much you plead, I’ll always be here. We’re too perfect for each other. We both have our problems, but that’s okay. We balance each other out. You’re logical, I’m too stupid for my own good. I’m willing to run to the ends of the earth for you, you don’t like to do physical exercise.”

We both chuckled, tears threatening to spill down my cheeks. He smiled softly. “Don’t worry I’m almost done.”

“I don’t think I want you to stop talking.”

“Well that’s a bit impossible. Besides, the rest of the guys are listening and I’m terrified of them giving me too much shit if we stay too much longer.”

“Don’t ruin this moment or I’ll kill you all,” I heard someone hiss. And by the pitch of their voice, I could only assume Val had decided to come with.

“Anyways, I love you Phoenix Milligan. I’m willing to look past your flaws if you will mine. I want to spend our days together. I want us to live together and get married and get a little dog that thinks it the size of a mastiff. Or get a mastiff that thinks its the size of a small dog. I just want the world to know that you’re the only one for me and nothing’s going to change that. No matter what your family says, or my family, or the fans, or even if every fucking country leader declared our love illegal. I'll flip them all off, I just want you,”

Finally I couldn't take it anymore, my lips crashed against his. He quickly wrapped his arms around my waist as I slipped my around his neck. I knew the guys were making cat calls but I couldn't hear them at all.

All that was in the universe at that moment was me and Johnny.