Motion Sickness

I slid down the wall, rubbing my temples, begging myself not to cry.

"Oh Taylor, I'm so sorry," Ape said soothingly, kneeling beside me.

I quickly scuffled away from her. "What are you gonna do," I mumbled, depressingly. "Tell me he didn't mean it? Make him apologize? Convince me its not true?"

It didn't mean it offensively for her, more directed toward me. I'd already been in this position one too many times. Me, sitting on the floor, falling apart, with Ape nursing me back to happiness. I knew what was coming next, and I didn't want her to say it.

"Juan Escabar."

"No, April."

I got up and went for my keys. Then realized I had no idea where to go. I stopped and looked around. Jesse was awake now, sitting on the couch, watching me, hair askew. Adam was standing in the kitchen, mid toast, just staring at me. Ape was standing by Mikey, stress and worry drawn across her face, knowing she couldn't help her friend. Mikey had his arm around her comfortably, as Gerard came out of the bathroom. "Whats going on?" he asked cluelessly. No one answered, just continued staring at me.

I watched Mikey and Ape. They were so happy together. So perfect. Ape was so perfect. Not only in her physical features, but in her mental ones as well. She could love someone, and trust them to not hurt her. She could trust Mikey never to use her. And she could stand there, with his arm around her, and feel warm and not alone. No paranoia about the pain she would endure if and when they ever were to separate.

She and Mikey could do everything Frank and I couldn't. Because of me.

I'd never felt so alone in my life.

I finally broke, allowing a few tears to fall down my face. I coudn't take this. I couldn't stand here with these people watching me cry.

I started back for the guys' room, purposely going between Ape and Mikey, even though it didn't make me feel much better, and shoved open the door. Frank was sitting on the floor, holding his head in his hands. Bob was passed out on the mattress in one of the corners.

His head shot up when he saw me, and he stood up, rolling his eyes. "Think of a comeback or something?"

"I don't want to be here, but I have no where to go."

"I don't exactly want to accompany you," he replied, confused. "Besides, as if you give a shit about what I said. You don't like me. You could care less if I hated you!"

I didn't say anything. The truth was? I didn't want to be surrounded by all those eyes. I'd rather be back here with Frank than up then up there with those witnesses. Thoughts flying through their heads like a virus. They were probably whispering about me amongst themselves now.

Frank just continued, "Come on Princess. Isn't this what you wanted? I don't love you. No more fucking around. You don't give a shit about me, I don't give a shit about you. No worries. Isn't that what you wanted?" he practically hissed. His words actually hurt more then I expected. I just wanted to collapse on the floor and let go.

But I wouldn't let myself. I had to fight. I had to hold on. I just looked down at my shoes, letting a few tears fall, with small plops against the fluffly carpet.

Frank tilted my head up, rubbing the tears away under my eyes. Not in a loving way, more like 'Get over it, it wont last forever' sort of way. "Wow, to think, Taylor Calvin has feelings."

My eyes got wide, as I looked up into his, not believing what I heard.

"Taylor Calvin? Have feelings? Huh uh..."

Ape's voice rang through my head, and thats when I finally broke down. I stepped back, leaning against the wall with my face in my hands, practically bawling my eyes out like a stupid baby. So it was true, I was a bitch, that had no feelings. Great. Fucking great. Fuck me.

Frank just watched me for a second, hesitantly. I could tell he was debating. One way, he wanted to comfort me, on the other he wanted to stand up for himself. I didn't blame him. I really didn't want anyones help right now. I didn't deserve it.

I sat down on Mikeys mattress, holding my knees, crying into my jeans. Why do people bother with me? My best friend is perfect in everyway, and I'm jealous of her. I depend on her to make sure I don't do anything stupid. Frank, he's awesome, but because of my stupid beliefs on love I can never make him happy. Because no matter how much I wanted to admit it? I was scared. I was scared of commitment and what would happen if I got too attached.

If I wasnt already.

He paced back and forth, completely frustrated. Obviously battling over what to do next. He quickly crouched down in front of me. "I can't do this Taylor."

I just kept crying into my knees. My arms covering my face as he got up again and kept pacing. "You..you confuse the fuck out of me, you know that?"

I tried to pull myself together a little, tears still streaming down my face, but my breathing got a little more even. I peeked my eyes out at him a little as he continued. His voice almost faltering a little as he paced.

"You're doing this wrong. You're suppose to hate me now. This is where we fight and yell at eachother and call eachother names. You're not suppose to be upset. I'm not suppose to want to make you feel better."

I inhaled deeply before cutting him off. "I'm just as fucking confused as you are." My voice sounded horrible, seeing as I was crying. He threw me a quick look, obviously not understanding.

"How so."

"Well, same way as you really. One minute you talk about how you love me and shit, the next you're telling me you hate me. And you're right, I shouldn't care." I glanced over at Bob, who was still unconcious. "I don't know why I do," I quickly mumbled, burrowing my head a little.

"Could it be because you love me?" he asked desperately, crouching down in front of me and holding my head up in his hands.

It made me feel terrible. He looked so desperate, as his eyes focused on me strainingly. Yet I knew what I was going to answer.

I bit my lip, shaking my head a little, "No."

He didnt say anything. He didnt move even. Just stared at me. Almost as if he was waiting for me to take it back.

Finally, he sighed, and sat down, closing his eyes and rubbing his temples a little. "You don't love people, because you're afraid you'll get hurt, right?"

I swallowed, knowing I was going to sound terrible again. "Frank it doesnt matter what you say, I've been like this since-"

"No, just, yes or no."

I thought about it for a second. "Yea, I don't like being hurt like that."

"Well, how...is this different." He gestured to me, with my tear stained face, my swollen, slightly stinging eyes.

I hated him, because I had nothing to say. He was right. This was pain. This was hurt. "I'll be over this in a few hours."

"Oh really?" he asked, cocking an eyebrow.

I nodded, holding my breath.

"When exactly in those few hours does this start getting better?"

I exhaled, looking down. I felt horrible, and I knew he did too. And I really didn't know what to do. But I knew one thing, and it was that if I just gave up now, something would happen, and someone would fix it, and it would get better. Thats how it always works.

Luckily? Thats what Frank was for. He sighed, "Taylor, listen to me, this is whats gonna happen."

I leaned my head up, watching him. He sat on the floor, holding his knees.

"Because I'm just so fucking nice, I'm going to give you a hug. Then I'm gonna go back out to the living room and talk to April and Mikey and the rest of them, and you're going to go to the bathroom and..well, do whatever you want to do. I'm assuming you want to redo your makeup or something, I don't know. Then you're going to come back to the living room and we're gonna hang out with the guys," he demanded.

"Like this never happened?" I blurted out stupidly.

"No Taylor, thats not going to work this time," he mumbled into his hands. Then he stood up, "Taylor I can't do this. I don't like you, you don't like me. Ok? If thats how it has to be then fine. I'm not going to torture myself over something that can never happen."

I was a little surprised, but understood. This was the end. The let go. The kink in Frank and I's friendship.

"You're right, I shouldn't of ever started anything," he continued, running a hand through his hair. "I guess I've just..never had anyone say no, really," he commenting, throwing in a small smile at the end.

It didn't help much. I still felt like death. But I had to take advantage of the hand he was offering if I ever wanted to feel better. He was faking, so I could fake too. I smirked, "You're such a man whore."

"S'not my fault I'm sexy," he replied, holding his hand out. I grabbed it and he pulled me up smoothly. "Do you want a hug? You don't have to, it was just an offer."

I thought about it for a second. Hugs don't hurt anything. I held my arms out as an answer, wrapping them around his neck and resting my chin on his shoulder as he held my waist in response. He smelled just like this morning. Alcohol and his natural Frankie-smell. He let go and easily just walked out the door. It was weird, completely just without warning.

I decided to hold up my end of the plan, and started toward the bathroom.

"He played that well," a voice came from the back of the room. "I've never seen Frankie so down to earth. Didn't know he could be that serious, really."

I spun around, and Bob was propped up on an elbow on his mattress. "Holy shit I forgot you were there."

He shrugged a little, "Eh, I was only awake for most of it. Go on, you're suppose to be in the bathroom now."

Honestly, it made me uneasy knowing that Bob knew pretty much the whole conversation me and Frank had just had. I didn't need anymore stress though, so I tried to ignore it, heading for the bathroom to finish pulling myself back together.

Frank and I had a friendship, that was extremely dynamic. One minute we could be at eachothers throats, the next we could be hugging and attempting to make the other feel better. It was like a roller coaster or an annoying movie.

But Frank was done with it. He had taken control and quit. He knew he wasn't going to break through my stubborn shell, and gave up.

That would be the last time I hugged Frank for a very, very long time. And just like everything else that had to do with Frank?

It hurt worse then I expected.

And if I dropped everything and booked a flight
Flown into Denver, then my plane would crash that night..
Cause the odds are against us
All bets are off
Just know you meant more then I
Ever could want..