Dreamless in Early Graves

“I’m going to die, Jaime.”

The dark-haired man frowned and shook his head as he looked down at the girl lying on the couch in his living room. She looked like hell, with sweat dampening her face and messy auburn hair sticking to her feverish skin. Her body lay limp, too weak and too sore to even flinch as he ran his hand soothingly over hers.

“Oh, Audrey, you’re not going to die,” he murmured to her softly as he reached up to brush the hair away. “C’mon, where’s my strong girl?”

“She’s gone, Jaime. She died, too,” Audrey croaked out before she closed her eyes.

Jaime didn’t say anything, just chose to stay silent as he sat by her. He thought back to earlier on in the day when she had stumbled through the door of his house, green eyes glazed over from obvious drug use and words slurred from too much alcohol. Her partying lifestyle was the reason he’d broken up with her a little over a month and a half ago, and it was why he had been shocked when she’d actually shown up at his place asking for help.

Audrey never asked for help.

“Jaime?”

Her voice was barely a whisper as she turned her head to look at him, a watery smile on her pale lips as she blinked. Jaime met her gaze and then returned her smile, reaching for her fingers and giving them a light squeeze.

“What is it, sweetheart?”

“I need my fix,” she begged. “Please, Jaime. I’m…I’m being torn apart from the inside. It hurts so bad,” she whimpered, tears leaking from the corners of her eyes as she looked at him. “Please.”

Jaime sighed, pulling his hands from hers before he stood up. “We talked about this earlier, sweetheart. Remember? You came and asked me to help you get through the withdrawal. You said you want to get clean, remember?”

“I don’t give a damn anymore. S’too painful,” she told him, reaching to squeeze his fingers. “Jaime, please. You’ve gotta help me. You’ve gotta—”

“No. I’m not going to help you kill yourself, Aud. It looks like you’re doing a good job of that yourself anyway” he added in a muted mutter as he stood up, turning to walk out of the room. He couldn’t stand seeing her like this. He never had; it was why they’d never been a good couple, even in spite of the feelings he’d had for her.

“Jaime!” She called out to him, the tone in her voice stopping him in his tracks. He didn’t turn around to see her, but he knew that she was probably trying to struggle to sit up. She always had every other time he’d walked away.

“Whenever you feel up to it, you need to leave,” he told her, keeping his face away from facing her as he crossed his arms tightly over his chest, trying to block the painful feelings that were starting to wash over him. Saying those words made him feel like he was abandoning her.

Once he was out of the living room, he headed towards the bedroom at the back of the house. He already knew that Audrey wouldn’t come looking for him. She knew him well enough to know that when he said something, he meant it.

Once he was in the bedroom, all hell came loose. He did what he did every time this had happened in the past; every time Audrey gave up hope, gave up on herself. He lost control. He let the pain take over along with the anger he felt at her weakness.

“Goddamn it!” He yelled in frustration as he slammed his foot into the foot of the bed, not caring if it hurt his toes in the process as he next slammed his fist into the mattress. Why did she do this to herself? It didn’t make any sense to Jaime. Couldn’t she see that she was killing herself with every injection of heroin, every line of coke, and every shot of vodka that she slammed back?

Couldn’t she see that if she could just straighten herself up, he could let himself love her again?

He could remember a time when she had been happy. It had been a few years ago, before the addiction had kicked in and before the chaos had taken over their relationship. The days back then had been good for both of them. In those days, he had been able to envision marrying her.

It was hard to believe it had only been two years since then. A small, sad smile took over his lips as he dropped his fist before it could slam into the wall, a memory coming to mind as he let it flood his senses.

“Babe, haven’t you already filled up that card with pictures?” Jaime asked Audrey as they walked through a park nearby to his house, a small chuckle falling from his lips as he watched her snapping as many pictures as she could. It was an artform that she had perfected, and Jaime had never seen her take a single bad photograph. There was something about her warmth and love of life that ended up in her pictures somehow, and it was something that always proved to make him feel better if he was having an off day.

“Nope,” she grinned, popping the ‘p’ at the end of the word as she snapped a photo of him with a silly grin on her face. “I put all those other pictures on my computer last night so now I have a clean slate.”

Jaime couldn’t help but smile. A clean slate, he thought to himself. It sounded good. It was what this relationship was for him. He needed a break from the hectic lifestyle he lead and a relationship with Audrey was perfect for that.

“Jaime?”

She stopped in her tracks as she turned to face him. For once, there was a serious look on her face as she studied him for several minutes. He frowned, wondering what it was that was on her mind right now that had her looking almost scared.

“What’s wrong, baby?” He murmured as he walked over to her, wrapping his arms around her and pulling her up against his chest before he kissed her forehead softly.

“My Mom’s back in jail,” she whispered, pushing some hair out of her eyes. “I think…” She frowned, shaking her head as she looked up at him, forcing a watery smile onto her face. “Never mind, Jaim. It’s nothing.”

“No,” he shook his head as he pressed his lips against her forehead. “It’s not nothing. What is it?”

There was silence for several moments, and she sighed, going back to snapping pictures. And in a flash, she was back to the same old Audrey that she always was around Jaime, with smiles and laughs and a ball of sunshine seeming to radiate from within her. It didn’t take long at all for Jaime to forget about whatever it might have been that was plaguing her mind.

A crash in the living room pulled Jaime out of his thoughts and he lifted his head, snapping back to reality as he blinked, hearing Audrey yelling and screaming something incoherent. It had always amazed him that she could go from so fucked up that she couldn’t hardly move to being angry and irrational in five minutes.

“Jaime!” She yelled before another crash sounded throughout his house. “Fuck you!” She yelled even louder this time. “Just…Fuck you,” she continued, her voice rising above the sound of breaking glass. Jaime sighed, knowing he couldn’t just lock himself in his room and forget that she was out there. Clearly if she was okay enough to do this, she was okay enough to get out of his house.

He opened the door and stepped out into the hallway, grabbing his coat so that he could give it to her to wear. She hadn’t worn a coat when she’d come over tonight, and even if he was angry and frustrated with her, the last thing he was going to do was throw her out in the cold with nothing to keep her warm.

He found her in the kitchen, breaking any dish she could get her hands on. She didn’t notice him as he walked up behind her, grabbing her wrists. “Audrey, stop it,” he told her, his voice low with warning as he held her completely still. She was still struggling against him, of course, but at least she wasn’t breaking his shit anymore.

“Stop it,” she growled at him. “You’re hurting me, Jaime. Let me go.”

“You’re breaking everything in my house, Aud. You’re being irrational right now,” he told her as he turned her so that she was facing him, still holding on to her wrists. “You need to leave now. Go back to your Mom’s place or…to a motel or…Fuck, I don’t know. But you can’t stay here.”

“You love me,” she narrowed her eyes at him. “If you love me, you’ll—”

“Love has nothing to do with this, Aud,” he cut her off, his voice rising in frustration. “And yes, I do love you. But I can’t stand to watch you kill yourself in front of me.”

He didn’t say another word as he started leading her towards the living room, careful to avoid the broken glass as he arrived at the door. He managed to open it while still holding Audrey in one hand before he gave her a light push so that she’d go out of the house. She stumbled a bit, but not enough to lose her footing as she turned to glare at him.

“You can’t just throw me out, Jaime. I don’t have anywhere to go!” She screamed at him, throwing her hands in the air angrily. “What am I supposed to do? I thought you said—”

“I said that you could stay here if you agreed to get clean,” he told her, cutting her off as he leaned in the doorway. His eyes softened when he saw tears starting to form in her eyes, but he quickly looked away, knowing that it was just her way of trying to get him to give in. “You had to have been staying somewhere before you got here tonight, Aud. Go back there. Find somebody else to stay with…I’m tired of watching you die.”

“I’m not—”

“Yes, you are!” He yelled at her, his temper getting the best of him as he narrowed his eyes at her. “Audrey, you’re killing yourself with every hit you take; every drink you slam back. Every night you go and fucking party, you’re killing yourself. Earlier you asked me why everyone you know always acts like it’s the last time they’re going to see you whenever you show up. It’s because we all know that one of these days, you’re just gonna end up O.D.’ing and that there’s not a goddamn thing we can do about it.”

“You’re being unfair,” she whispered, crossing her arms tightly over her chest. “I tried, Jaime. You know I did. I just…I can’t kick the drugs, okay? It’s all I have.”

“You had me,” Jaime frowned at her, shaking his head. “You had me and you had happiness…What happened to that?”

“It was all a dream,” she replied after several minutes. “A dream that had no possibility of being real because I was already dead when you met me, Jaime.”

She didn’t say a word as she turned on her heels, walking away from him. Jaime wanted to call out to her and ask what exactly she meant, but it was no use. He’d learned a long time ago that Audrey never made sense, whether it was her photographs or her words. But then again, that was Audrey. She had always been like that, and Jaime knew it. And that, perhaps more than anything, was the saddest part about her addiction. No one could understand her.