When I Am Gone, You Gotta Keep a Smile On

I shook as Jane held me close. We were at my boyfriend’s funeral, currently, and I couldn’t stay longer, but I would. It was a closed casket funeral, even though his body looked perfect. See, he hadn’t died from anything that would be harming his beautiful body. Not a fire or a car crash or even a gun shot. No, his life was taken by his own fragile hands.

He was the love of my life and he killed himself because of a few assholes at school. I was nineteen, so I knew nothing about these dick-faces, but my little Seth was only seventeen. He didn’t deserve the shit he went through.

He was gay, but that wasn’t why he was bullied. No, he was bullied because of what he used to be. He was born a girl and he didn’t like it. Few people knew and when I found out, I didn’t care. I loved him for who he was, not the parts he was born with. However, people at school didn’t think so nicely. He didn’t mind people knowing, he wanted to be himself, so he dressed how he liked. He had girly features, but he could pass for a boy.

He had told me that they knew he was a girl underneath and that they mocked him for such, making me want to be there with him every moment. I held him close and told him it shouldn’t matter and to tell the principal and that he shouldn’t feel scared of school. We had just stayed close to each other that night. His parents weren’t too “normal” because they didn’t mind their son being gay and being with me. Hell, they welcomed me to the family with open arms. Jane was his younger sister and she said I was like a brother to her.

“I can’t stay any longer,” I told the young girl. I got up and left, ignoring the looks of his friends and family. I should’ve stayed, but I couldn’t take the pain right now.

I walked from the cemetery and walked to the coffee house. I didn’t bother to buy anything, I sat and ran my hands through my long hair. Seth said he liked it long, so that’s how I kept it. He also said he liked all the colors I had put in once, so I kept dying my hair for him. He had this strange obsession with hair that cracked me up.

I sighed and looked out the window to see loads of cars going back and forth. They surely wouldn’t be able to stop fast enough, would they?…

I shook my head and sighed. Those sorts of thoughts had started up a lot more since I stopped taking my medicine, which was when I found out Seth died. I looked around to see a kid with black hair and a Batman hoodie on, making my eyes widen. “Seth?” I questioned, walking over to him.

He looked at me confused. “I think you got the wrong person, I’m not Seth…” He told me.

I stared and felt tears leave my eyes, again. I nodded and left the coffee place. Seth loved Batman…He’d have me watch the movies with him and he’d watch, happy as could be.

I looked down the alley way and saw some mean looking guys against the wall. I could easily go down there and pick a losing battle…

“No, don’t.”

I looked around, my breathing fast. That was my Seth’s voice… Where is he? “I need you,” I told him, out loud.

“No, you don’t, Noah. You need to go home, take your Tegretol, and lay down. Please.”

I shook my head, clenching my fists closed. “No, I can’t. I can’t- I-” I started hyperventilating.

“Noah!” I spun around to see not whom I wanted to. “Are you okay?” Keith asked, taking my wrist. “You don’t look good…”

“I have to go,” I told my friend, pulling from his grasp and walking across the street. There were no cars coming at me, but I wouldn’t care if there were.

“Yes you would, Noah. What about your family? Your friends? You care about them, don’t you?”

“They don’t matter anymore. You were my reason to stay and get better. You’re not here anymore, I don’t want to be either,” I told him, continuing walking. Some people looked at me like I was crazy as I walked past them, talking to my boyfriend, who wasn’t really there.

“Noah! You have to stay. What happened to our promise? When I’m gone you’ve gotta keep a smile on. We both promised the other! Please, Noah, don’t do anything stupid.”

“You have no say in what I do,” I told him, walking to the Hilton Oceanfront Hotel. It was close and it was twenty-one floors high. Twenty-one floors from Seth. “You could’ve told me you were getting worst, I would’ve helped. You didn’t tell me. We promised we’d tell each other everything too, remember?” I asked, bitterly.

“Noah, please. I’m sorry. You had things going on and I didn’t think it was important enough to tell you…”

“You fucking killed yourself!! I think that’s pretty damn important!” I yelled at him. He cowered, frowning. I ran my fingers through my hair and shook my head. “I’m sorry for yelling, but goddamn it, Seth. You’re important to me, everything about you is important to me. I don’t even care if you complain about a pimple, I love you and I need you… That’s why I’m doing this.” I walked into the hotel and went to the elevator, not getting stopped by anyone. I pressed the 21 button and pushed the close doors button. I held the button down and headed to the top floor. When I was there I went to the stairway and went to the roof.

“Noah…you can’t do this,” Seth begged, stepping in front of me. “Please, don’t. I can’t have you take your life because of me.”

I smiled, sadly, and caressed his cheek. “Sethy, I can’t stay here without you. I have no reason to.” I pressed my lips to his and got on the edge of the roof, looking down. Twenty-one floors from him.

“Noah-”

“No, you can’t stop me.” I closed my eyes and took a deep breath.

“He’s gonna jump!!” I heard someone yell from down on the ground.

“I love you, Noah… Please, don’t.”

“I love you too. So much. I’ll see you soon.” I grabbed his hand and took a step off the tall building, hurdling down to my sweet demise.