The Secret Notebook

"Hey, Jake! Hey, Jake, what’s up?"

Over the music of his I-pod Jake hears someone yell his name. He looks up to see his best friend Ryan walking towards him.

With the sunlight shining on him Jake thinks he looks like a model with his dark hair, blue eyes, and amazing smile. But of course he can’t let Ryan know this. He’d think he was a fag.

"Hey man." Jake says with lack of interest.

It’s all a disguise thought, to hide his true feelings for his friend. He goes back to listening to his music and writing in his notebook.

Ryan slips into the seat beside him. He glances at the notebook in Jake’s hands.

"So what you writing?" He asks in an innocent tone.

He knows Jake will never tell him. But he has to ask anyway. Anytime he asks Jake about it he gets all defensive. What could be so secretive that you wouldn’t even tell your best friend, Ryan wonders.

In an obvious way he leans close to Jake to see what his friend is writing in his notebook. The smell coming off Ryan makes him forget all about the notebook and press closer to Jake just to smell him.

"Stop being nosy Ryan." Jake says, closing his notebook and shoving Ryan in the side. He tries to ignore the fact that Ryan was sniffing his neck but a blush spreads across his face anyway.

Grinning slightly Ryan reaches for the notebook that’s in Jake’s hands that are resting in his lap. "What if I don’t want to."

With a sharp intake of breath Jake grabs Ryan’s reaching hand and yanking it away from his precious notebook. "Stop it Ryan. I’m not playing." Jake warns.

He doesn’t like lying to his friend but this is the only way he thinks they can stay friends. If he knew... Ryan would end their friendship, forever. Then Jake would be heartbroken.

"I just want to see what you’re writing. You’re always... hiding it from me. I mean, I thought we were best buds, you know."

Ryan crosses his arms over his chest in a pout. What the hell was in this notebook? The secret of the universe or something?

Jake knows he’s going to hurt Ryan by his next words but he just can’t have him know the truth. "If what you say is true I guess we’re not best friends."

Electric pulses of betrayal spread across Ryan’s chest towards the rest of his body. How could Jake say that?! Looking pained, he gets up from his seat beside Jake and stalks off.

Regret fills Jake as he watches Ryan’s back as he walks away. He just put their friendship in danger over a notebook that could tear their friendship apart at the seams. Laying the fated notebook on the seat beside him, Jake places his face in his hands.

The rest of the day is a living hell for Jake. All he can seem to think about is those words. The words he used to stab Ryan in the chest. He tries to convince himself that this is the best way. But feelings of dread creep into him and make it impossible. He's going to have to show Ryan the notebook. No matter the cost.

Finding Ryan is harder that Jake expected. He calls Ryan’s cell knowing he won’t get an answer. After the 5th try he gives up on that. Next he checks for him at all his usual hang out spots. No Ryan.

The day is almost over and Jake is close to giving up. But he decides to look for him at one more place: the skate park.

"Hey Ryan! Ryan! I have to talk to you!" Jake calls after Ryan as he finishes up a trick.

Ryan hears him at once and looks up. Hurt and anger flash across his face. Turning at once he heads off towards where he parked his car.

Jake jogs after him across the northern side of the park. Once he catches up to him Ryan is already in the car and starting it up.

Ignoring Jake calling his name, Ryan begins to pull out of the parking lot. But before he gets anywhere Jake is standing in front of the car. Slamming on the break he just stops from flatting his, now, ex-friend.

Ryan jumps out of the car and goes over to a panting Jake. He grabs the front of his shirt and starts to shake the living hell out of him. "What the fuck is wrong with you Jake?! Are you suicidal?! I could have killed you!!"

Taking a deep breath Jake answers Ryan’s rhetorical question. "You’re what’s wrong with me. And I’m not sure if I’m suicidal."

At these words of truth Ryan stops his assault of Jake’s body. His hands still and breathing becomes hard for him. The look he gives his, now, ex-friend makes Jake’s stomach twist in knots.

"Here." Jake shoves his notebook into Ryan’s hands and begins to walk away. He can’t bear to see Ryan’s face as the other boy reads what he’s written.

Ryan looks after Jake in concern but is too curious about the notebook to follow him. He opens it and begins to flip through the pages. They’re filled with poetry about love, short stories, and then the truth.

I fell in love the first moment I met him. His eyes drew me in and once he had me I was hooked. Now I’m in love. And he doesn’t even know it. He doesn’t even... care. I want to tell him so bad. But if I do I’ll lose him. So instead I sit. I sit and write my feelings in notebook. A notebook I kind of hope.. he’d see.

Time seems to stop as Ryan reads about Jake’s secret feelings. His chest tightens and breathing becomes even harder for him. His lungs barely get any oxygen and his body begins to shake with emotion.

Jake’s thoughts are troubled as he continues to walk away and down the street. He’s knows it’s truly the end of his and Ryan’s friendship. And this thought is killing him.

Ryan get’s control over his body by the time Jake is almost half a mile away from him. "Wait Jake! Stop! Jake stop!" Ryan runs after his friend in a frenzy.

Jake continues to walk unsteadily away even after hearing Ryan call him, telling him to stop. He’s sure that whatever Ryan has to say it’s not going to be good. What ever it is it’s going to rip him apart. Knowing this is making his body tremble.

When Ryan catches up with him he roughly grabs him and turns him around to face him. Looking Jake in the eyes he wraps his arms around him in a tight embrace. This is the only thing he knows to do since he’s unsure of what to say.

"I-If you don’t want to, you know, be my friend that’s okay. I-I lied to you and I-I’d understand. I mean I’m a faggot..." Jake mumbles. He doesn’t pull away from Ryan’s grip. The look in Ryan’s dark blue eyes is making him dizzy.

Releasing Jake from his grasp Ryan tries to find the right words to say. "...No, I-I want to be your friend. I wouldn’t ever not want to be. You’re… You’re my best friend. A-And you’re not a fag. You’re gay. And... so am I."

Relief floods through Jake’s body at hearing Ryan’s words; and another undeniable feeling: love. Even so he’s still afraid and untrusting.

"R-Really Ryan? You don’t hate me?" Fear fills Jake’s voice. He can’t have Ryan hate him.

Grinning slightly, Ryan says, "No. I don’t. How could I hate you for... loving me?" He blushes at the mentioning of the word love. It feels strange for him to be saying it out loud. But even so he knows he also feels it for Jake.

Jake takes his eyes away from Ryan’s handsome face. Taking a step back he begins to shake his head slightly. He just knows that Ryan hates him and doesn’t want to be his friend. Even if he is gay. He had kept a secret from him. A dark secret.

Stepping forwards Ryan places one hand around Jake’s waist and pulls him closer. With the other hand he strokes the side of Jake’s face. He takes a deep breath. "I feel the same for you Jake... I’m falling madly in love with you."

Jake’s face breaks into a smile so big that Ryan can’t help but smile back. Ryan really enjoys Jake’s smiles, especially the real ones. "I love you’re smile. It’s what drew me in. Hook, line, and sinker."

A soft chuckle escapes from Jake’s lips. "Ehh.. will you, umm, be with me, as my boyfriend?" Jake feels his temperature rise and his heart race faster.

Where the hell did this bravery come from?

Ryan places a soft and tender kiss against Jake’s lips before he nods and says, "Of course love."

As they walk back to Ryan’s car Ryan grabs Jake’s hand and intertwines his fingers with Jake’s. Jake glances at his boyfriend and smiles shyly.

"I love you." Ryan says pulling Jake’s hand up towards his face. He kisses it softly before he lets their hands return to their original swinging positions.

Jake pulls Ryan closer by the hand and wraps his arm around Ryan’s waist with Ryan doing the same. "And I love you too baby."