Some Days

John could feel his eyes stinging but didn’t bother to try to hold himself back. John O’Callaghan didn’t cry, he just didn’t, but here, in this moment with Lakelyn, he was and wouldn’t have cared if the whole world saw.

The way Lakelyn was staring up at him, her green eyes bright and her eyelashes wet from tears, it broke his heart. She was so beautiful, so outwardly flawless, that to find that on the inside she was fighting herself was terrible. She was broken, he could see that for certain now.

As the morning sky began to slowly brighten and the sun peeked out between the buildings of the city, Lakelyn brushed the tears of her cheeks and took a deep breath. She was struggling to find words, John could tell, and he pulled her closer against his chest. Finally, Lakelyn took in a deep breath and tightened her hold on his t-shirt.

“I’m not… not good, John.” She leaned back to look up at him and examined his expression. When she interpreted his confusion she sighed in frustration.

“I’m selfish, I’m bitter, and I’m a fucking mess, as I’m sure you can see. I’m not a good person,” she said quietly, no longer making eye contact. John immediately shook his head.

“That’s not true, Lakelyn, you have to know how much of a lie that is,” he said. Lakelyn seemed to realize she was still in his lap because she slid off his legs to rest against the wall beside him. She stared out at the skyline and John could tell that she was closing herself off from him once more. He had no idea how to keep her from retreating into herself like before and it made him want to scream.

Lakelyn was silent and he scooted over until her side was flush against to his, restoring their physical contact again.

“You’re going to make me a better person, Lakelyn. Just by being near you, I’m already better. I can feel it. Somebody as bad as you think you are couldn’t do that,” John told her, his eyes never leaving her face. The brief grimace that flashed across her expression didn’t go unnoticed and he felt his hopes sinking even lower. It didn’t matter what he was saying, she wasn’t believing any of it. She may have been affected by his actions earlier but now that she had gotten control of herself, the mysterious, guarded Lakelyn was back.

John didn’t expect her to say anything in response so it surprised him when she spoke.

“Don’t say that, John. Please… just don’t...” she trailed off and he sat quietly while he waited for her to finish.

“There’s nothing you can do, believe me. I appreciate everything you guys have done but it’s time for you to move on,” she whispered, her eyes never leaving the sun. John felt a bolt of anger spark through himself at that. Why couldn’t she just listen to him for once? Why couldn’t she just realize how completely blind she was being?

“Shut up Lakelyn, you’re being so fucking stupid right now. Look at me.”

When she didn’t John felt his voice getting louder.

“Look at me, Lakelyn! Just fucking look at me!” Finally, she allowed her eyes slide to his. The expression on her face was one of shock and it sent a chill of satisfaction through John. Maybe this was what she needed; he had to force her to listen because she wasn’t going to any other way.

“All those guys in the room right there? They are all worried sick about you. Myself included. We don’t know why you’re like this, or really anything about you to be honest, but we don’t give two shits about either of those things. We want to help and I realize that you maybe aren’t used to that but you better get used to it because none of us are going to just walk away,” he told her, hoping to see some sort of acceptance in her, but all he could find was emptiness. The surprise had disappeared and now she just met his gaze blankly. It was so infuriating.

After a moment, she sighed. “I should go,” She said and it was like someone had punched John in the gut. This girl was impossible, but she picked herself up from the ground and brushed off her jeans. Lakelyn opened the sliding glass door, leaving John in torment on the balcony.

****************************************************

Lakelyn couldn’t bring herself to tell John anything. She had planned on spilling her guts, but when it came time to do it, none of the words would come out and she ended up walking away. John was mad and disappointed, but that was nothing out of the ordinary when it came to the people around her. It was just easier, better to stay quiet.

When she entered the hotel again, the other guys were awake and looked at her in sympathy and sadness. It made her want to punch them all in the face, she didn’t want them to take pity on her. That wasn’t going to fix anything.

“Lakelyn-“ Garrett moved towards her but she quickly cut him off.

“I need to head home, thanks for everything guys,” she said tonelessly. She didn’t miss the look passed between them but she ignored it. As she grabbed her shoes, she felt sharp stabs of pain in her hands and let out a hiss, causing Jared to take a step in her direction. Brushing it off as nothing, Lakelyn waved at their shocked faces and headed for the door. Halfway down the hall, she felt someone at her shoulder. It was Garrett and she shook her head.

“I’m not letting you out of my sight until I know you atleast are at home with your family,” he said in a warning tone and Lakelyn stopped midstep.

“No!.. I mean, it’s ok. I will just call someone to come pick me up. I’m ok now, I promise you don’t need to do that,” she spoke hurriedly, causing her words to jumble together breathily.

“It’s not happening, now let’s go if you want to go so damn badly,” he said and led the way down the hall. Lakelyn felt her stomach drop but followed him, seeing no other option.

After a grueling ride full of silence, aside from the directions Lakelyn gave to get to her house, Garrett pulled his car into her familiar driveway. She immediately noticed her mother peering through her bedroom window from the second floor. Lakelyn tried to swallow the feeling in her throat that was making it hard to breathe.

“I’ll walk-“

“NO! It’s fine, thanks for the ride though!” Lakelyn hopped out of the car before Garrett could respond and practically ran to her house, shutting the door behind her. She heard Garrett’s car pull away after a moment and sighed in temporary relief. It wasn’t until she heard the sound of footsteps coming down the steps that all feelings of reprieve disappeared.

Rose came into sight in the foyer and her silence made Lakelyn terrified down to her bones. Rose was never silent.

Her mother waited until she was right in front of her to reveal the knife from behind her back.

“Who was that boy, Lakelyn?” she asked dangerously and Lakelyn stood in horror at the purely violent and evil person standing before her. Rose had been abusive for a long time now, but it was never like this. Lakelyn had never seen her so irrational and for the first time she actually wondered if this would end with her death.

When she didn’t speak, Rose grabbed her hair, yanking her head back and looked at her in the eyes.

“You’re nothing Lakelyn. You always have been, always will be nothing. Remember that darling, no matter what other people may tell you, always know that,” she whispered, and brushed her hand across Lakelyn’s face, almost affectionately, before driving the blade of the kitchen knife into her only child’s abdomen. Lakelyn felt her mouth open in a silent gasp and her mother stepped back, blood covering her hands.

Rose watched in stony silence as Lakelyn fell to the ground.