Can't Fight This Feeling

“No we don’t.” Dean said as he sat down on his bed, “What we need to do is find out who Annabel is.” Sam sighed, he knew Dean was going to try and do anything he could to avoid the subject.

“Yes we do Dean. Are you really mad at her, or are you mad at yourself because you agree with her?”

Dean didn’t answer right away, he hesitated for a moment as if it were the first time he had thought of it like that, “You’re insane you know that right?” he eventually scoffed.

Sam looked at Dean with questioning eyes, “I don’t think I am. Honestly Dean, holding a grudge this long doesn’t make sense. Unless it’s not really her you are angry at, but yourself. It makes sense you’re angry at yourself for agreeing with her so you’re taking it out on her.” Dean didn’t reply. Instead he sat in silence. Sam knew he was right, but he also knew Dean would never admit it. It wasn’t like him to admit when he was wrong or worried.

Sam decided it was pointless to sit here while Dean was brooding so he headed across to Nyx’s room to try and help her find out who Annabel was. He knew she was blaming herself but also knew she shouldn’t. There were no records of this girl so how was she supposed to know she had even existed. He wanted to make her feel better about this, but he knew she was as stubborn as Dean; almost nothing he said would make a difference to her.

He knocked on the door before entering; he didn’t bother waiting for her reply, “Hey, you decent?” he asked with his eyes closed.

“Yeah, what are you doing here?” he opened his eyes to find her sat at the table surrounded by papers and her laptop. She hadn’t even bothered to look up when he came in the room, her eyes glued to the screen. Searching, searching for anything that might help them.

“I thought you could use some help, and Dean is brooding.” normally this would earn a smile from Nyx, but she really wasn’t in the mood. She wanted this to be over, to never have to see Dean again. She thought she could do this, but it was harder than she had ever imagined.

“Can you phone the family? The numbers are there.” she said as she handed him a piece of crumpled paper, yet again not looking at him. She couldn’t bring herself to do it.

“Sure thing.” he wanted to talk to her desperately, ask her what had happened. Not only the accident, but since the last time he had seen her. He had missed his best friend more than anything. Several times he’d tried to call her, but every time he couldn’t bring himself to do it. He’d really hurt her, and she deserved better than that.

He spent the next two hours on the phone to different members of the family, but there was nothing, he had one more number to call. He hoped they would know something because Nyx was going crazy, and so was he.

“Hello is this Mrs. Law?” he asked.

“Yes, how may I help you?”

“I’m doing some research, and I was wondering if you knew anything about a girl named Annabel, she would have lived with the Hudson’s.” There was silence on the other end of the phone.

“I’m sorry; I don’t know who you are talking about.” she replied curtly.

“Mrs Law, please wait. It’s very important that I know about her.” he wasn’t used to doing this over the phone, but it was the best they had at the moment.

“I already said I don’t know who she is.” she was getting impatient now, and if he wasn’t careful he was going to lose her.

“Please, I’ve found her diary. I need to know who she was it’s a matter of life or death!”

He heard her sigh on the other end of the phone, “I didn’t know her, but my mother told me stories about her. She was my grandmother’s illegitimate child; they kept her hidden in the house. My grandmother was so ashamed of her that they kept her locked away, and she used to beat her. Please, this could disgrace my family’s memory.”

“What happened to her when your family left the house?” Sam asked, this was the biggest break through yet.

“She didn’t leave with them, my mother never saw her again after she left the house. She always believed they just left her in the house. She went back after her parents had lef,t but she never found any trace of her. Why do you need to know this?”

“We just want to find out what happened to her. Don’t worry ma’am there won’t be any disgrace to your family name.” Nyx was listening intently to the conversation, she couldn’t make out most of what the woman was saying, but she had heard enough to understand that she knew who Annabel was.

She couldn’t help but feel slightly bad that she hadn’t been the one to find out, so far she’d been useless, and she hated the feeling. ‘You can’t keep feeling sorry for yourself, think about what Bobby would say to you’ she thought to herself. She knew if she kept it up she really would be no use. How could she expect Sam and Dean to trust her, and rely on her when she couldn’t rely on herself? This negative attitude was making things worse.

Sam hung up the phone, and turned to face Nyx, “We need to go get Dean.” she nodded stiffly. Would Dean go off on a rant at her again? She was tempted to skip town, it was unfair on the boys but it was probably safer. Dean would be happier with her gone, she could tell he didn’t want her there; he was making no secret of it. Sure they might be pissed, but it would be better in the long run.

They walked across the parking lot of the motel to the room Sam and Dean were sharing. Sam barged in without knocking this time only to find Dean stood there in nothing but a towel. There was water running across the panes of his body. Nyx didn’t know where to look, she’d forgotten how toned he was. She felt the flush across her cheeks and the tips of her ears.

“Like what you see?” Dean smirked, causing her blush to deepen. Truth was she did like what she saw.

“Get dressed Dean.” she mumbled. She turned her back to him, but caught a glimpse of his reflection in the window. She watched as he sauntered back in to the bathroom to get changed.

He emerged a few moments later, fully dressed, much to her disappointment. She mentally slapped herself for that thought. She didn’t think about Dean like that. No, she’d only ever thought of him as a brother, or at least that is what she had convinced herself.

Nyx had never been very good at admitting her feelings, she’d never been very good at understanding her feelings either. She’d grown up without a mom, and her dad hadn’t really taken the time out to talk to his daughter about those kinds of things. She’d had to figure everything out as she went along, and she’d never been in one place long enough to grow an attachment to someone, so it had never been a problem until her dad had died. Then she’d been somewhere for longer than a week, and she had a chance to make ties, it scared her a lot to start with. She didn’t understand what she was feeling, and she had no one to turn to. She knew about sex, but she’d never felt any romantic feelings, that she knew of. It was a whole new experience for her.

The first time she was ever romantically involved with anyone was when she was 18. His name was Chris; he was sweet, and funny and reminded her of Sam. They even looked slightly similar. It didn’t last very long Nyx was too distant, and didn’t like human contact too much. She didn’t really understand how a relationship worked, and eventually things just fell apart.

She avoided relationships after that, she’d only had one other relationship, and it had ended a lot worse than Chris. It was something she didn’t really like to think about or talk about.

She snapped back to reality a few moments later when she heard Dean ranting, “She’s a danger to us Sam! I’ve been waving my hand in front of her face for five minutes, and she hasn’t even noticed! She’s going to get one of us killed!”

“She isn’t a danger…” Sam tried to argue.

Nyx cut in before he could finish though, “He’s right Sam. I thought I was ready to be back again, but I don’t think I am. I’m putting you guys in danger.” Sam stared at her in disbelief, “I’m sorry Sammy, but I think it’s better if I go. I’m sorry for dragging you two into my mess.”

“Oh no you don’t. This is your mess, you aren’t going anywhere.” Dean glared.

“I thought you wanted me gone!” Nyx protested. She wanted out of there. She needed out of there.

“I did. I changed my mind.” Nyx wanted to scream. She didn’t understand why he was being so awkward.

“Whatever Dean. I’m not playing your stupid little games, I’m going.” she rolled her eyes, about to storm out the door, but before she could ever get two feet Dean had grabbed her arm.

“Stop it, seriously Nyx this is beyond pathetic. Whatever happened to you, I’m sorry, but you’re better than this. You’re one of the best hunters I know, but you’re acting like a rookie. Suck it up because you have a job to do.” his face was inches from hers making it hard for her to concentrate, but she heard every word he had said. She finally managed to look away, dropping her head in shame. He was right, she knew that. It wasn’t that easy though, it was harder than she had imagined coming back to the job.

“Did Bobby tell you what happened?” she asked curiously.

“No.”

“Good. Now let’s get to work.” With that she was back to work. She was adamant she wasn’t going to screw up this time. She wanted to prove her worth to Dean. Maybe then he could forgive her.