Can't Fight This Feeling

“Oh, yeah, it’s a Tibetan thought form, right?” Sam asked.

“Wait, a what?” Dean asked. He hated being the only one not knowing what was going on. He was used to it with Sam. Sam had always been the one with the brains, but with Nyx it was different. He wasn’t he liked it.

“Basically if enough people believe in it, it becomes real. So people have read the story online and seen it, and enough people believe it so it’s actually happening. There was this incident in Tibet in 1915. Group of monks visualised a golem in their head. They meditated on it so hard they bought the thing to life. Outta thin air.” Sam explained.

“Okay, so how come Santa isn’t real? How many kids believe in him?” Dean wasn’t sure he believed this, people believed in a lot of stuff. Things just didn’t get up, and walk out of the pages of kids’ books, what was so special about this?

Sam loaded up his laptop and brought it over to Dean and Nyx, “This, it’s a Tibetan spirit symbol, it doesn’t work without it. Craig or whoever must have drawn it in the house without even realising what it could do.”

“So this could explain why he keeps changing?” Nyx asked, she wasn’t sure she liked this. If he kept changing how were they supposed to kill him?

“Yeah, and I think I know how to kill it. We need to find a copier store.” Without saying anything else, Sam got up, and grabbed the keys, running out of the motel room.

Nyx sat uncomfortably on the edge of the bed, fidgeting, unsure of what she should do. Dean hadn’t really said anything to her, but he hadn’t been mean either, and she wasn’t sure what to make of that. Did it mean he wanted her to be in his life again? Were they friends? She wasn’t sure, and instead of risking anything by talking to him, she sat in silence, waiting for him to be the one to talk. He didn’t though. Instead he lay back on his bed, reading a magazine. She waited a while longer, not sure what to do, before the silence became too uncomfortable for her, and she got up to walk out.

Dean flipped his magazine shut, and sat up in bed, “Where are you going?”

Nyx hesitated, unsure of what to say, “I-uh- figured you didn’t want me here, I was going to go back to my room.” she wasn’t sure what else to say, so she just told him the truth.

Dean sighed, “It’s not that I don’t want you here, but I don’t know what to say to you. I know I should forgive you, you weren’t exactly wrong, and it’s not like I haven’t heard it all before from Sam. I just can’t seem to forgive you, I trusted you, and then you did that? I guess what I’m trying to say is- I’m working on it.” It was probably the most honest thing Dean had said in a long time. Nyx felt her heart crack into a million pieces; he was working on it. She didn’t want him to work on it. She wanted him to hate her, it would make walking out at the end of it all so much easier.

“Please, stop. You don’t need to forgive me, I don’t even want you to.” she begged. Tears threatening to spill. Her eyelashes were soaked, causing her vision to sparkle, and she felt her throat close up, making it hard to talk.

Though Dean hadn’t forgiven her, he couldn’t stand to see her cry either, “What happened to you, Nyx?” he asked as he pulled her into his chest, wrapping his arms tightly around her, letting her know he wasn’t going anywhere. He felt her collapse against him. Her chest racking against him as she gasped for breathe, through her sobs.

“I-I’m s-o sorr-y.” she hiccupped, but not removing herself from his arms. Dean didn’t know what to do; he wasn’t used to people crying. So he continued to hold her against him until she had calmed down enough to talk.

“Nyx, what happened to you?” he whispered, his jaw clenched in anger. Someone had done this to her, and he wanted to find out who and break their legs.

Nyx wanted to tell him, he was the only one she ever wanted to tell, but she couldn’t. Not yet. She wasn’t even sure ever. “Nothing, it was just an accident.” she couldn’t believe that. It was her fault, if it wasn’t for her it wouldn’t have happened. She was the one at fault…if she’d never walked into their lives…she felt herself breakdown again. Sobbing uncontrollably into Dean. She hadn’t cried about it in a long time. Not since the first night at Bobby’s. Since then she’d done everything she could to push them out of her mind.

“This, this is not nothing.” Dean growled.

She pulled back from him, looking him in the eye. He looked fierce and angry, like he had a purpose. His eyes searched hers for the truth, but all he saw was pain and despair. He’d never seen someone look so broken before. Especially not someone as strong as Nyx. The anger he’d been feeling towards her had begun to seep away. He couldn’t be angry at her, no one could. Not when she looked at him like that. She was pleading with him to make the pain go away, and in that moment he wondered how she was still alive. He couldn’t imagine living through whatever pain she was going through, the desperation in her eyes made his heart break. He was right, she wasn’t the Nyx he knew any longer. She was more broken than he could ever imagine, but she was still fighting, and that was the Nyx he knew. She hadn’t given up just yet, and he knew she probably never would. She would carry on through it all, until she had finished whatever she had started.

“Nyx, please don’t leave. Me and Sammy, we need you. We’ve missed you. Sam, he needs a friend right now, and I can’t be that person, but you can. We’ve missed you princess.” she felt her heart swell as her resolve came crashing down around her. She knew that if Dean asked her to stay she couldn’t leave. She didn’t have it in her to say no to him. To walk out on him again, not this time. She’d done it once, but she couldn’t do it again.

“I-I can’t.” she tried to refuse him though, she needed to protect him. She’d only hurt them, all she did was hurt people.

“You don’t have a choice.” Dean was adamant. She wasn’t going anywhere. She needed them that much he was certain of.

“Dean, I’m done hurting people. I…” He cut her off, knowing exactly what she was going to say next. He knew because it was how he felt. He wanted to know what had broken her so bad, but he knew Nyx would tell him when she was ready. Much like himself, if he pushed too hard she’d clam up and not say anything.

“You’re with us now. We’re here for you.” With that she sank back into his chest, guilt tearing through her. She was going to hurt the brothers, but god was she glad to have them back in her life. She felt so selfish, Deans words had made her happy, but she knew the cost, and she still didn’t have it in her to walk out.