Counting the Stars

“…And then he kissed me. I was so shocked and didn’t know what to do at first… There was no way I was not going to kiss him back, so I did. I think that scared him and that’s when he ran off,” I recalled the events of three days ago to Eleanor as we sat outside of a Starbucks near the venue in North Carolina. We had finished our Florida shows and were now making our way up the East cost.

“WHAT?” Eleanor shrieked, throwing her hands onto the metal table. Both of our Starbucks cups shaking slightly at the impact. I reached out and grabbed mine instantly, making sure it didn't tip over.

“Keep your voice down, El. We don’t need to attract any attention to ourselves,” I hushed her.

She looked at me with a blank expression, “You think I’m going to stay calm when you tell me that Niall kissed you while he’s under the impression that you’re a guy. That’s like dropping a bombshell. Telling me this is a public place was your mistake.”

It had taken me quite awhile to come out of my funk after what had happened three days ago. If I had thought Niall was ignoring before, he was ignoring me even more now. Unlike before where Niall would go out of his way to let me know smoking was terrible; Niall was now going out of his way to not even make eye contact with me. I didn’t expect any less of him, but it still hurt.

I needed answers and I needed them soon. Did he know I was a girl, and if so, who let it slip in front of him? Did he go for his own team? If so, that wouldn’t work if I ever told him that I wasn’t a guy. There were too many questions that needed to be answer, but if he continued to ignore me like the plague, I wouldn’t get any answers at all.

“Eleanor, I’m asking for your help. I need you to stop freaking out and help me. I need to figure out if Niall knows that I’m a girl or if…”

“He’s gay. You want to know which way he swings,” Eleanor finished for me, a smirk plastered on her face, “I’m going to go with him being straight but confused. He just has so many ‘feels’ for you that he had to kiss you!”

“Did you just say ‘feels..?’” I questioned, looking at her weirdly.

“Shut up, I’ve been spending too much time stalking Tumblr pages… Leave me be!” She giggle, causing me to laugh.

While we finished our drinks we made small talk, veering away from the major topic at hand. The more I thought about it, the more upset I got and Eleanor started to catch on to that. Once we finished our drinks we walked back to the venue that was around the corner. North Carolina was extremely pretty, but it held nothing compared to the Florida sunset. As much as I didn’t want to think about Florida, it was probably my favorite place we have been so far.

“What if you don’t get the answers that you want?” Eleanor asked, looking over at me as we walked side by side.

“What do you mean?”

Eleanor shrugged, “Say Niall is actually gay and all of the creepy fangirls were right. Or let’s say someone told him you were a girl? What answer would you want?”

I hadn’t thought of it that way. Truth be told, I didn’t know what answer I wanted. On one hand I was secretly hoping he was just sexually confused so I knew that nobody told him and I knew I’d be able to continue to trust everyone. On the other, I wanted him to be straight as a line so I could just come out and tell him that I was a girl and we’d live happily ever after.

“I honestly don’t know, El… I just want him,” I sighed.

She smiled at me sympathetically, “I think this means a good time to tell him who you really are and how you really feel…”

I shook my head, “That’d be a waste… I already lost him to Caroline.”

-----

The mood in the dressing room was tense. Eleanor and I had walked in on Niall and Caroline having what seemed to be an… intimate moment. Caroline was sitting on Niall’s lap, straddling him. She had her face snuggled up into the crook of his neck and he was whispering something into her ear. I turned to walk out of the room, but Eleanor caught me by the wrist and turned me around.

“You’re not walking out on this now. You’re stronger than this,” She whispered under her breath, “Walk past them and grab what you need. Don’t give him the satisfaction of you being upset.”

I walked right past them to grab my drumsticks and bottle of water I had on one of the tables. When I walked past them on my way out, I looked over at them with a smirk on my face.

“Did you guys see that new article on Sugarscape about you two? Your fans are really good at digging up stories about you,” I chuckled, continuing my walk past them.

Eleanor looked at me with wide eyes and began to giggle. I smirked once more and shrugged my shoulders. I walked out of the dressing room and down the hallway. I hadn’t been 20 steps before there was a hand on my shoulder that was forcing me to stop. Turning around to face the mysterious person, I was honestly shocked to see Niall standing there.

“I’m going to go…” Eleanor said awkwardly before scampering off down the hallway.

“I think we need to talk,” Niall simply stated, his eyes looking down into mine. His blue orbs were even more captivating now that they were staring directly into mine. My stomach churned and flipped and it felt like a bug keeper released a pack of butterflies in my stomach.

“What could there possibly be to talk about, Niall? The fact that you’ve yet again successfully ignored me, or that I interrupted a precious moment with your girlfriend?” I looked up at him directly in the eye, not breaking eye contact. On the outside I made sure to appear cool and collected, when in reality I was dying on the inside.

“What Sugarscape article are you talking about?” He asked.

This was what he wanted to talk about?

“You don’t talk to be for three fucking days and you ask me about an article? Is your precious little image more important than our friendship? You’re a dick, Niall Horan,” I growled, more upset with him than I had ever been. We barely talked and when we did it always resulted in an argument. I didn’t like this at all.

Niall scoffed, “I’m pretty sure you’re just as big of dick as I am, Kyle.”

“As a matter of fact I don’t have a dick,” I stated quite proudly before realizing what I had said.

The look on Niall’s face was the dead giveaway that let me know of what I had just said. Realization hit in and I began to panic. What the hell had I just done? Niall’s facial expression was a mixture of shock, horror, and confusion all jumbled up into one look.

“What the hell are you talking about?” He asked. His voice was no longer angry like it had been before. It was soft and quiet and confused.

“Nothing, I didn’t say anything,” I stuttered, forcing the words out of my mouth. I pushed past him and began to fast walk down the hallway and away from him.

I ruined it. I ruined everything I had worked so hard to accomplish in a short two weeks. I didn’t even make it a month into the tour and two guys of One Direction already knew, and now I’m pretty sure one other knew. This was the end of my journey as far as I was concerned. There would be no more “Kyle Blake” and no more cities to visit on tour.

“Kyle you get right back over here and explain to me what your last statement meant,” Niall shouted from the same place we had been standing. He hadn’t bothered moving.

“I’m so sorry.”

That was I said before walking out of the venue. I pushed past a group of fans that all screamed once they saw me. I didn’t stop and take pictures, so I apologized to them all as I continued my journey away from the venue. I wasn’t going to allow myself to go back, not after I had fucked it up like this already. Once I was far enough away I flagged down a taxi to drive me the short mile back to the hotel.

“Hilton Hotel on the corner of 1st and Cherry street, please,” I told the taxi driver. He nodded swiftly and started up the meter. The drive back to the hotel was short and silent. I handed the driver a $10 bill before jumping out of the car and walking up to the hotel.

Mentally, I had it all planned out. I would pack up anything I had laying around into my suitcase and then go to the airport. I’d buy a last minute plane ticket to the next flight to California. Upon arriving home, I would change my phone number and delete any social media networking sites that I had created under the name Kyle and hopefully lose all contact with anyone closely affiliated with the people of One Direction.

I hated doing this, it was so damn dramatic and most likely uncalled for, but as far as I was concerned it was my only way out. The cowardly way out, yes, but it would be less of a blow to my self-esteem and ego to just disappear than have some sort of scandal with management and the press.

After packing everything up I walked out of my hotel room. I handed the lady working the front desk my key card and walked off without another word. I flagged down another taxi and had them take me to the airport that was about 20 minutes away. After finding a flight to California and purchasing the last minute ticket, I was sitting and waiting for the plane that would take me back home to California.

My phone began to ring and like the idiot I was, I answered it.

“Hello?”

“CALLISTA WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU? THE SHOW STARTS IN TEN MINUTES AND YOU’RE NOT HERE AND NIALL IS MOPING AROUND AND ALREADY BROKE UP WITH CAROLINE! WHERE ARE YOU?” Eleanor shouted loudly.

“Oh lord, El, take a chill pill. I think Niall knows that I’m not actually a guy so I freaked out and I’m now in the airport waiting for my plane that takes off in four hours,” I replied nonchalantly, like it was every day I purchased a $400 plane ticket back home.

“You’re in deep shit, Callista,” Eleanor stated simply.

I didn’t know what that meant, and I wasn’t ready to find out.