The Dreaming Smile Above the Skin

In the span of two months I've been taking care of him more and more everyday. Somehow I'm stable enough to look at him and not have tears fall down my face. I'm doing all I can, telling myself, it's all good. It's the best I can do. I feed him the same kind of soup most days, because he can stomach some warm tomato bisque. We keep our conversations short most of the time. He has the tendency to say thank you and give me small kisses on the cheek. When it gets cold in the middle of the night, I bring him close to me as his shivers turn into just calm, steady breathing. I even take warm baths with him. It tends to relax his muscles. I spend my part washing his back and even being behind him... I can just feel his smile. Nothing about the way our two bodies, naked; wet against each other end up to be sexual. Everything is so far past that... everything is so much deeper. Everything is so much more sensitive and gentle. Brendon would always be the one to want it the most, and now, it never crosses his mind. This is the part of reality showing me how much more love is than just sex. Of course I've experienced a taste, but now... it's consumed my entire being.

---

It's Monday morning as I let Brendon sleep in for a while before work. As soon as I'm ready and half way through eating breakfast, I tend to expect him here with me about ready to go.
I walk back into our room to find him still asleep. I go over to the edge of the bed and run my fingers across his legs that are protruding from the sheets. I see his eyes flicker open.
"Ry... I don't think I should go in today." There's a heart breaking strain in his voice.
"You don't have to, sweetheart." I say quietly.
I stand up slowly, walk closer to him, and kiss his forehead, "See you later." I say.
"Bye." He says in a whisper.

---

By the time I get to work, Danny, the new guy, tells me I have to work at the register today because Brendon isn't in. He's dying slowly in our bed, thanks for asking. I take a breather. Seeing myself stand in front of a cash register, no Brendon to be seen. Taking his place for good eventually...
And I really shouldn't be thinking that. I should ring customers up with a smile and tell them to have a good day... just like he would do. But I can't. I'm not him.
I look like a paused tv screen, showing a man whose got nothing left... who can't even solve his problems yet, because he's just as frozen in time as the tv shows him. Even when just paused, around 30 minutes later, it won't even matter because he's still sad.
I try to tell people to have a nice day, but when they look at me, I don't even think they notice me saying it. I'm sorry I don't have the capacity to smile right now, but please seriously... have a nice day. Have a wonderful life because I can't. Don't try to rub it in, though. I haven't seen anyone that selfish yet. It's early in the afternoon and I'm about ready to go, even though my shift won't be over for a while. I see one more customer come in after a 30 minute period. She has brunette hair, red lips, and dark eyes. Her jeans seem to match the color of her shirt: a dark purple.
She picks out a Pink Floyd album and I ring it up for her.
I can see her eyes just observing me; I don't question. I'd dread the thought of her 'checking me out'.
"Not to be rude, or anything," She starts saying. Her voice startles me a bit, "but you don't seem very happy."
"Just because I'm not smiling, you'd think I'd be sad." I say in a monotone voice, I avoid eye contact.
"I can tell something is wrong. Sorry for coming off so nosy, but I've never seen someone looking so-"
"The love of my life is in the process of dying." I get out.
She sucks in her breath, "I... I'm so sorry."
No you're not, you don't even know, "Yeah..."
"My deepest apologies for asking... I didn't mean to-"
"Here's your receipt." I hand her the piece of paper. She doesn't say another word as she takes her album awkwardly leaves the store.
I can't even move. I'm going to lose it again.
Danny comes out of the back and walks over to me. I don't even want to talk to him... or to anyone.
He says "Boss says you should work the cash register from now on. He's fired Brendon."
"What?" Reality: The sharpest pin in the box, right to the cornea. Because he's dying, he's automatically fired.
Brendon must have called in... without telling me. He is too weak. I know he won't even be able to stand soon.
"Hey I'm not sure what the deal is either-"
I can't be here... any longer. I start to walk out, completely blocking Danny's voice from my mind. I can feel him telling me to get my ass back in the store because my shift isn't over yet. I keep walking.
...
I can feel the warm salty liquid fall down my face. This world is nothing without him. I'm nothing without him.
Then, right before I pull up into the drive-way I make a decision:
When Brendon's heart beats for the very last time...
I'm going to kill myself.