Status: Complete
The Dreaming Smile Above the Skin
Sorry Mom, Sorry God
When I get inside the house, not a sound could be heard. He must have still been sleeping. Good.
I make my way into the kitchen and open the drawer full of knives... each one sharp; clean. My chest burns as I look at the tools. Almost as if I was a little kid in a candy shop, but I am much more picky.
I find a thin, pointed one with a black handle. Perfect.
I take a deep breath as I walk into the bathroom across the hall from the bedroom.
I turn on the light and shut the door gently. Bliss is soon to come, and maybe after I do this, I can fake a smile. Preparing for death is such a beautiful thing. It's been almost too long.
I cradle my left arm over the sink and bring up the knife with the other. I take a moment and look at my skin... it's so clear. The past... has faded. I then look at myself in the mirror. There's circles under my eyes; my eyes themselves are stained. My face looks stone cold. My lips are dry. Who am I really looking at in the mirror? Definitely not the person I've become with Brendon.
I take another breath and relax as I hover the knife over my skin. Finally, I push it down and pull it across my arm quickly. I can see the blood seep, slowly but surely and it hurts. Almost like the first time all over again.
Before I become too anxious, I stop. I can't make it obvious. Brendon can never see this... he can never know. I have to be much more subtle. I spend a few moments just to watch the red liquid drip into the sink.
It will be better soon... it will.
I make my way into the kitchen and open the drawer full of knives... each one sharp; clean. My chest burns as I look at the tools. Almost as if I was a little kid in a candy shop, but I am much more picky.
I find a thin, pointed one with a black handle. Perfect.
I take a deep breath as I walk into the bathroom across the hall from the bedroom.
I turn on the light and shut the door gently. Bliss is soon to come, and maybe after I do this, I can fake a smile. Preparing for death is such a beautiful thing. It's been almost too long.
I cradle my left arm over the sink and bring up the knife with the other. I take a moment and look at my skin... it's so clear. The past... has faded. I then look at myself in the mirror. There's circles under my eyes; my eyes themselves are stained. My face looks stone cold. My lips are dry. Who am I really looking at in the mirror? Definitely not the person I've become with Brendon.
I take another breath and relax as I hover the knife over my skin. Finally, I push it down and pull it across my arm quickly. I can see the blood seep, slowly but surely and it hurts. Almost like the first time all over again.
Before I become too anxious, I stop. I can't make it obvious. Brendon can never see this... he can never know. I have to be much more subtle. I spend a few moments just to watch the red liquid drip into the sink.
It will be better soon... it will.
♠ ♠ ♠
Title from Chuck Palahniuk's Invisible Monsters. Yes, quite a short little thing, but you can blame my planning skills and patience. Also, um, writing this was kinda unsettling just a bit because it's been 2 months since I cut for the first time. I've been struggling and almost lost it today, but I'm okay and I just find all of it ironic...Also if you were wondering, I planned everything out before my mid teen life crisis but I will still try to stay up to par with it.
ALSO STORY WISE NOTICE RYAN SAYS "almost like the first time all over again" Yes that is a point to think about.