Status: Complete
The Dreaming Smile Above the Skin
Looking for Misery
It's one of those dreams where I don't know where I'm going. There's a patch of road and music plays off in the distance. If I scream, I wonder if anyone can hear me. They probably can't. In my dreams most souls won't even bother to listen. It's like I'm screaming in a sound proof box sometimes. I want to be known, but I don't. I keep walking. The faster and faster I go, the more it stretches. It's getting colder and darker. I can hear the wind rustle through the non existent trees.
When I finally walk slower, I can see that at the end of the road, is a small building. I take a deep breath and keep going. The music rises and rises as I enter. It's bright and white... almost blinding.
I then find myself walking into a room. I hear Brendon's voice. He's singing.
"Because every little thing... is gonna be alright." His eyes are wide and there's a beautiful smile on his face.
He's sitting on this white bed... he's in a hospital gown.
He looks completely healthy and perfect, but why is he here?
I walk over beside him. When I take his hand he finally stops singing and just smiles at me.
"I love you." I tell him.
"I love you too." He says in a whisper.
All of the sudden he starts to change. His skin become pale and I can see those patches popping up on his skin. He's getting skinnier and skinner. Oh god please stop.
He then starts to cough louder and louder each time. I scream at the top of my lungs, "Brendon please don't do this."
I can feel an ocean of tears rush to my feet. He coughs in his cupped hands, and when he reveals his palms... they're covered in blood.
I wake up from the nightmare and my heart is racing. I see Brendon beside me, he is coughing.
When he can catch his breath, he says, "Sorry I woke you up." A weak slight smile covers his face. He coughs a bit more before he gets up and goes to the bathroom.
I can hear him throwing up anything but solid food. He hasn't touched solid food in a good long while. I'm going to lose it.
I slowly make my way into the other bathroom. I hid the knife previously in one of the cupboards. Soon enough I'll be able to get back on my feet. I still wish for a moment that this should have turned into a habit a while ago. It's not bliss yet, it hasn't been keeping me stable... I hope it does soon.
Not another moment passes before I slide it across my arm below the other few scars. I take a breath and look in the mirror.
And I think to myself, 'You're so goddamn pathetic and weak.'
I go back to looking at my arm as I make another slice... and another. I feel it just burn. By the time the pain goes away... I will be fine. I will be able to pay more attention to Brendon than anything else. My skin... will be marked up just like his. Mine in red scars, his in rough patches. Me... dying inside because he's dying. Then we'll die together. I'll follow him... into the dark.
But somehow my hand pushes too hard and holy shit... I think I might have hit something. The blood flows out quicker.
I let out a slight wince and when my ears re-adjust to the environment... it's quiet.
He must have stopped coughing. He should be back in bed... soon he might wonder where I am, but fuck... this is starting to hurt.
I have to fix this quickly.
I take a towel and press it against my arm firmly. It's starting to soak through. I almost start to feel light-headed.
I turn on the water almost at full blast and run my arm under it. After a little less than three minutes, I try to cover it with a cloth again.
After a few seconds I look at the under side of the towel, it's still bleeding, but not as much.
I try to relax... slow down my heart rate... make sure the blood flow stops going crazy.
Way back when, I used to be much more cautious about it. It's only been a little less than a week, besides, this is the sharpest knife I've ever used. In the end, death calls my name. I shouldn't take baby steps towards the sound. Brendon's going quickly, so should I.
When I lift up the cloth again, I think it's safe to let it go for tonight. I wipe off the edge of the counter until it's spotless and then throw the towel under the quick rushing water. I honestly might as well throw it away... it's drenched.
Then, the most completely unexpected thing happens.
I hear the bathroom door open,
"Ryan?"
When I finally walk slower, I can see that at the end of the road, is a small building. I take a deep breath and keep going. The music rises and rises as I enter. It's bright and white... almost blinding.
I then find myself walking into a room. I hear Brendon's voice. He's singing.
"Because every little thing... is gonna be alright." His eyes are wide and there's a beautiful smile on his face.
He's sitting on this white bed... he's in a hospital gown.
He looks completely healthy and perfect, but why is he here?
I walk over beside him. When I take his hand he finally stops singing and just smiles at me.
"I love you." I tell him.
"I love you too." He says in a whisper.
All of the sudden he starts to change. His skin become pale and I can see those patches popping up on his skin. He's getting skinnier and skinner. Oh god please stop.
He then starts to cough louder and louder each time. I scream at the top of my lungs, "Brendon please don't do this."
I can feel an ocean of tears rush to my feet. He coughs in his cupped hands, and when he reveals his palms... they're covered in blood.
I wake up from the nightmare and my heart is racing. I see Brendon beside me, he is coughing.
When he can catch his breath, he says, "Sorry I woke you up." A weak slight smile covers his face. He coughs a bit more before he gets up and goes to the bathroom.
I can hear him throwing up anything but solid food. He hasn't touched solid food in a good long while. I'm going to lose it.
I slowly make my way into the other bathroom. I hid the knife previously in one of the cupboards. Soon enough I'll be able to get back on my feet. I still wish for a moment that this should have turned into a habit a while ago. It's not bliss yet, it hasn't been keeping me stable... I hope it does soon.
Not another moment passes before I slide it across my arm below the other few scars. I take a breath and look in the mirror.
And I think to myself, 'You're so goddamn pathetic and weak.'
I go back to looking at my arm as I make another slice... and another. I feel it just burn. By the time the pain goes away... I will be fine. I will be able to pay more attention to Brendon than anything else. My skin... will be marked up just like his. Mine in red scars, his in rough patches. Me... dying inside because he's dying. Then we'll die together. I'll follow him... into the dark.
But somehow my hand pushes too hard and holy shit... I think I might have hit something. The blood flows out quicker.
I let out a slight wince and when my ears re-adjust to the environment... it's quiet.
He must have stopped coughing. He should be back in bed... soon he might wonder where I am, but fuck... this is starting to hurt.
I have to fix this quickly.
I take a towel and press it against my arm firmly. It's starting to soak through. I almost start to feel light-headed.
I turn on the water almost at full blast and run my arm under it. After a little less than three minutes, I try to cover it with a cloth again.
After a few seconds I look at the under side of the towel, it's still bleeding, but not as much.
I try to relax... slow down my heart rate... make sure the blood flow stops going crazy.
Way back when, I used to be much more cautious about it. It's only been a little less than a week, besides, this is the sharpest knife I've ever used. In the end, death calls my name. I shouldn't take baby steps towards the sound. Brendon's going quickly, so should I.
When I lift up the cloth again, I think it's safe to let it go for tonight. I wipe off the edge of the counter until it's spotless and then throw the towel under the quick rushing water. I honestly might as well throw it away... it's drenched.
Then, the most completely unexpected thing happens.
I hear the bathroom door open,
"Ryan?"