The Dreaming Smile Above the Skin

I'm not sure how much longer Brendon will last. He's been surviving on water, but somehow that is starting to fail. He needs something solid. Anything. But I don't want to see him throw up anymore. After all that blood... I feel as though there isn't much left to do for him. He'll die any day now and I just have a front row seat to watch. How much I want to harm myself has sky rocketed through the roof, but for his sake I dare not touch a knife or anything sharp. He's also been resting for the past weeks. He's barely been getting out of bed.
Today however, I question his strength.
"Bren, where are you going?" I ask him as he rises from his side of the bed.
His sad puppy dog eyes speak to me more than anything, "I'm really hungry."
"You know you won't be able to stomach it well." I tell him as my arm goes around his body to keep him from collapsing.
"I'm pretty sure a little won't hurt." His voice. His words. They pain me more than they ever have.
"Okay." I tell him as we head into the kitchen.
"Tomato would be fine." He says. I give him a small smile just to brighten the mood.
It's strange. Now I smile to make him happy. All the pain he's going through, I don't blame him.
As soon as I put the liquid into the pan, I stir for a while before I let it sit. My attention is back to Brendon as he keeps his balance, watching me from the island table. Right when our eyes meet, his smile brightens as well as mine. I walk over to him. My thumb grazes across the side of his cheek.
I ask him, "Should I bring the food to our room? You should get off your feet now."
"I can wait till you're done." He says.
"Alright." I tell him.
He keeps a weak smile on his face as we speak with our eyes. Then it reminds me, I have to turn off the stove.
I leave his side briefly and turn the knob off. I look for a bowl in one of the cabinets and then proceed to take it out until... I hear something fall to the floor. The bowl in my hand shatters as I look back in Brendon's direction. He's out of sight.
I run over as quickly as I can and see him there on the ground. His body... is shaking. Uncontrollably. My heart stops. The painful contortion of my face arises and my body twists in knots.
"Brendon, no!" I yell. This is no goddamn dream. He's having a seizure.
I take the phone out of my pocket and call the hospital. I can barely form words as the woman on the line asks what's wrong. All I can do is cry and tell anyone to come quickly.
Soon enough an ambulance comes. I lose all my senses and collapse next to Brendon as they manage to get inside the door. I must look like a terrible mess.
I watch them pick my Brendon up and put him on a stretcher. They wheel him into the back of the ambulance as another man comes over to me and asks if I would want to come. I weakly nod my head as he helps me up. In a few seconds I manage to become more stable as I am directed to sit next to the driver and not by Brendon's side. I have no intention to fight, I can barely speak up or move... so I just sit next to the driver.
He doesn't speak a word and I almost hold my breath the whole way there as tears keep falling. Any second I could lose it. This driver is more wise than he thinks.
As soon as we get there, in which feels like an eternity, I see the men take Brendon out of the back as a few other men help me into the hospital. In that moment I lose myself again and run to the side of Brendon as he's wheeled on a gurney. The people don't even try to keep me away, but they don't stop moving either.
I almost hope Bren can hear me, I tell him, "It's going to be okay, Brendon. I know it will. Hold on, please."
As soon as the doors for intensive care open, two men hold me back.
"Hold on, Brendon!" I scream.
---
I'm completely broken, sitting in the waiting room. I can see the images flashing around in my head. All of those heart shattering moments I can see. I can feel them. Everything is coming back to me. This reality that shouldn't even exist. I lift up my sleeve just slightly and pick at my scars. Brendon is going to be worse. I know he is. There is no shimmering hope. The sand in his hourglass is spilling out faster and faster. I... am not even prepared. It's been a little over half a year. What time does he really have left anyway? What time do I have left...
There's no way I'm going to survive. I don't want to lose him now or anytime soon. What... what if they just announced him dead? What if they are waiting to tell me? What if they are trying to form the right words to say to me? They don't have to sugarcoat it. If he's gone.... I'll be gone too. Quick and painless. A world without him is nothing. Knowing his fate now is almost too soon to handle. No, I can't handle it right now.
My arm is starting to bleed again. Even the crimson liquid can't calm me down like it used to. It's just a goddamn reminder of everything. Everything...
Then I see Mr. Walker. Quickly, I roll down my sleeve and stand up.
"You can see him now."
My heart begins to race again as he leads me into Brendon's room. I can hear the monitor beep and see his eyes are heavy. He's still alive!
I run over to him and kneel by his side.
"Bren, you're okay!" I take his hands in mine.
"Ry-"
"I thought you were already gone, I just-"
"Ryan listen, I don't have a lot of time left."
My chest grows tight, "What do you mean?" I squeeze his hand slightly.
"Butch says I only have 5 minutes left."
"No, no how could he know how long? It's all bullshit, you must have longer."
"I don't. They injected me with a liquid."
"They're killing you on purpose." I'm almost in rage. He could have had more time, I know it.
"I'm in so much pain, Ry. As much as I want to stay here with you," He falls into a whisper, "I can't."
I move closer to him. My tears fall on his hand.
"Sweetie don't cry. Listen to me..."
I look in his eyes.
"When I kissed you in the back of the shop for the first time I knew I wouldn't regret it. You are the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me."
His thumb is shaky as he tries to push away some of my tears, "I mean I should have kept up on my health as well as on seeing you, but you were the highlight of everything. I was so goddamn stupid to not try to be more healthy for you."
"I wish I could go back." I see tears sprouting from his eyes. And then I realize... he really could have prevented this.
And in that moment I wasn't sure how to react. All I know is that I'm going to lose him any minute and nothing matters anymore.
"I don't know what I'm going to do without you. I can't live without you."
"What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I know you can live a better life. You can even tell my story. And there's one thing I almost forgot about... your birthday present."
I almost could give less of a shit about my present. He's the greatest gift of all, "I don't think that gift matters anymore." I say.
"My last dying wish is for you to see it. I guess I never really had the right time to give it to you especially that night. It's in the bottom shelf that we never used for anything. Use it for whatever you want. Keep it for the future."
And I almost don't even want to hear his words. Nothing could be more important.
"I love you so much." I say.
"I love you too, Ryan Ross."
I can barely move as he presses a kiss to my head.
He only has seconds left now.
"I'm going to miss you so goddamn much." I whisper through dropping tears.
I can see his chest tighten, "G-goodbye." His voice, shattering.
I grip his hand as tight as I can as he shuts his eyes.
The monitor is still beeping at a constant rate. Every second I hold my breath until the rhythm starts to change and speed up.
There are no more tears in my eyes to push out. My grip grows tighter until finally...
I see the screen... and there is nothing more than a straight... traveling... line.