Status: Complete
The Dreaming Smile Above the Skin
Here Lies the Abyss
Tears start to fall as I press a tender kiss to his forehead. And then...
I lose my goddamn mind.
Brendon's dead. Brendon's dead and I can't do anything about it. I pull his body closer to mine and scream at the top of my goddamn lungs. I just wanted him to stay alive a little while longer. God fucking damn it. I cradle him and sob. My tears fall onto his cold face and I can't even keep calm for a second.
"Brendon, come back!" I plead desperately.
I wish this was all a lie; a bad dream. I just cry and cry and cry wishing to admire his steady breaths. Wishing to feel his warmth. Wishing to hear the sound of his beautiful heartbeat. It's all gone, all of it is fucking gone.
"What am I supposed to do without you?" I whine through a strained voice.
I then see Mr. Walker come through the doors with a few other assistants.
"Go away!" I yell, because what control do I have over myself, anyway?
Two of the men pull me away from Brendon's body and in that moment, I want to tear their fucking faces off.
I don't even hesitate or stay another moment longer. He's dead now. There's nothing left but his exterior... there's nothing left for me here.
---
I'm so broken... so fucking shattered that it's hard to keep focused while one of the assistants drives me home. I can barely see through the tears trying to escape my eyes. All I can think of is the last breath that left his body.... the monitor with the never ending sound... the echoing of my world shattering before my eyes.
The assistant drops me off finally and gaze up at our- my... house. I walk into the door slowly and it's so fucking silent. I want to scream. I want to tear myself apart because it's filling with the toxic reminder that this was all Brendon's first. All the memories that fall inside this house are pin pricks.. needles... knives. Everything happy... all of it... has been replaced with utter sadness. I can't even breathe.
And then I remember what Brendon said. The gift he was going to give me. What use is it now? There will be no smile when I view it. His reaction won't show. What the hell's the point? But he wanted me to... and I will keep that promise. Regardless, I would need to move far far away from here. That involves living... he wanted me to live. But he's not here. Keeping a promise to a dead man... it's completely pointless. But... I will. Because he did make me stronger. And what if I did tell his story? We've shared so many tales, his life was a hell of a lot nicer. I can be brave at least for a little while, right? As though a glimmer of hope breezes through my thoughts. Maybe just for a little while.
I make my way into... my... bedroom and find the bottom self he mentioned. Yes, this was never used. He was pretty wise to put it in here, I would never have guessed. When I open it, I find a medium sized white box with a note on it.
I take it off and open it. It reads:
Dear Ryan,
It's hard for me to form the words of how much you mean to me. All the time I've spent with you thus far has been magical. Close or far, sooner or later, all I know is that I really want to stay with you for a long time.
Keep smiling, my angel
Love, Brendon
(if I don't get an answer today, I'll wait a thousand years for your hand)
I find everything around me spinning. The present... I don't over think for a second as I open the box and find an even smaller one contained.
I take out the small; smooth black box and I think I know...
I open it quickly and... it's an engagement ring.
I lose feeling in my hands and fingers. The box falls to the floor, I drop to my knees. He was going to propose to me. He wanted... to marry me.
Tears struggle to escape my eyes as my contorted face pains me. My body shakes as my muscles grow tighter and weaker in an on and off state. He was going to marry me... and now he's dead. He's fucking gone and I know I wouldn't have hesitated to tell him yes.
But that can't happen now... can it? I've lost everything close to me in my life and now I've lost a future husband. This house burns me... hotter than the sun. There's no point in living now. Breaking all my promises to be with him in where ever the fuck we go after death. I will find him again. I already live in hell. This is hell... and I just want to get out.
The gun... my savoir. But Brendon hid it. God fucking damn it, no! I get up on my feet and rush around the house looking for the trigger to a better place.
Where the fuck is it?
I can feel bruises and see blood coming from my knuckles as I throw things off selves. I rip out towels and clothes from drawers. Glass keeps breaking, the sound almost hurts my ears.
Where. Is. It.
And then finally, I find it in the guest bedroom behind the self. Yet another place I would never look, but finally. I gasp with relief.
Calmly I go back into... my room.
I tell myself... he's dead. He's dead. He's dead. He's dead. There's nothing left... there's nothing left. Soon enough I'm not afraid of death anymore.
I sit cross legged by the box containing the ring. He loved me that much.
I then take out my cellphone. There's no point in leaving without saying goodbye. Mr. Walker did the best he could... I consider him a friend.
I motion back and forth keeping my calm as best as I can while I take out my phone and call the hospital.
I hear a woman's voice and tell her without hesitation if I can talk to Mr. Walker.
She hands the phone over to him, "Hello, Doctor Walker speaking."
"It's Ryan."
"Hey Ryan. I'm terribly sorry about your loss. He was very strong and caring."
"Yes... he was."
"If you ever need to talk, I'll be here. There hasn't been..."
His voice trails on and I'm ready to set myself free. I stop motioning. I'm calm and at peace. The gun I find comforting in my hand. I then come back into conversation. It's time to go.
"Mr. Walker... I just wanted to say that you are an amazing doctor. You did the best you could and you've become like a friend to me."
"I'm glad to hear that, thank you."
"And, um, by the way. You should send someone over here soon..."
"Why?" His voice sounds a bit more worried.
"Just... just hurry because I don't want to create too much of a stain on the carpet."
I hold the gun up to my temple. Brendon... I'll be there soon.
Murmured raised voices are coming from the other line. I manage to tune them out perfectly.
"Goodbye... Mr. Walker."
*click*
I lose my goddamn mind.
Brendon's dead. Brendon's dead and I can't do anything about it. I pull his body closer to mine and scream at the top of my goddamn lungs. I just wanted him to stay alive a little while longer. God fucking damn it. I cradle him and sob. My tears fall onto his cold face and I can't even keep calm for a second.
"Brendon, come back!" I plead desperately.
I wish this was all a lie; a bad dream. I just cry and cry and cry wishing to admire his steady breaths. Wishing to feel his warmth. Wishing to hear the sound of his beautiful heartbeat. It's all gone, all of it is fucking gone.
"What am I supposed to do without you?" I whine through a strained voice.
I then see Mr. Walker come through the doors with a few other assistants.
"Go away!" I yell, because what control do I have over myself, anyway?
Two of the men pull me away from Brendon's body and in that moment, I want to tear their fucking faces off.
I don't even hesitate or stay another moment longer. He's dead now. There's nothing left but his exterior... there's nothing left for me here.
---
I'm so broken... so fucking shattered that it's hard to keep focused while one of the assistants drives me home. I can barely see through the tears trying to escape my eyes. All I can think of is the last breath that left his body.... the monitor with the never ending sound... the echoing of my world shattering before my eyes.
The assistant drops me off finally and gaze up at our- my... house. I walk into the door slowly and it's so fucking silent. I want to scream. I want to tear myself apart because it's filling with the toxic reminder that this was all Brendon's first. All the memories that fall inside this house are pin pricks.. needles... knives. Everything happy... all of it... has been replaced with utter sadness. I can't even breathe.
And then I remember what Brendon said. The gift he was going to give me. What use is it now? There will be no smile when I view it. His reaction won't show. What the hell's the point? But he wanted me to... and I will keep that promise. Regardless, I would need to move far far away from here. That involves living... he wanted me to live. But he's not here. Keeping a promise to a dead man... it's completely pointless. But... I will. Because he did make me stronger. And what if I did tell his story? We've shared so many tales, his life was a hell of a lot nicer. I can be brave at least for a little while, right? As though a glimmer of hope breezes through my thoughts. Maybe just for a little while.
I make my way into... my... bedroom and find the bottom self he mentioned. Yes, this was never used. He was pretty wise to put it in here, I would never have guessed. When I open it, I find a medium sized white box with a note on it.
I take it off and open it. It reads:
Dear Ryan,
It's hard for me to form the words of how much you mean to me. All the time I've spent with you thus far has been magical. Close or far, sooner or later, all I know is that I really want to stay with you for a long time.
Keep smiling, my angel
Love, Brendon
(if I don't get an answer today, I'll wait a thousand years for your hand)
I find everything around me spinning. The present... I don't over think for a second as I open the box and find an even smaller one contained.
I take out the small; smooth black box and I think I know...
I open it quickly and... it's an engagement ring.
I lose feeling in my hands and fingers. The box falls to the floor, I drop to my knees. He was going to propose to me. He wanted... to marry me.
Tears struggle to escape my eyes as my contorted face pains me. My body shakes as my muscles grow tighter and weaker in an on and off state. He was going to marry me... and now he's dead. He's fucking gone and I know I wouldn't have hesitated to tell him yes.
But that can't happen now... can it? I've lost everything close to me in my life and now I've lost a future husband. This house burns me... hotter than the sun. There's no point in living now. Breaking all my promises to be with him in where ever the fuck we go after death. I will find him again. I already live in hell. This is hell... and I just want to get out.
The gun... my savoir. But Brendon hid it. God fucking damn it, no! I get up on my feet and rush around the house looking for the trigger to a better place.
Where the fuck is it?
I can feel bruises and see blood coming from my knuckles as I throw things off selves. I rip out towels and clothes from drawers. Glass keeps breaking, the sound almost hurts my ears.
Where. Is. It.
And then finally, I find it in the guest bedroom behind the self. Yet another place I would never look, but finally. I gasp with relief.
Calmly I go back into... my room.
I tell myself... he's dead. He's dead. He's dead. He's dead. There's nothing left... there's nothing left. Soon enough I'm not afraid of death anymore.
I sit cross legged by the box containing the ring. He loved me that much.
I then take out my cellphone. There's no point in leaving without saying goodbye. Mr. Walker did the best he could... I consider him a friend.
I motion back and forth keeping my calm as best as I can while I take out my phone and call the hospital.
I hear a woman's voice and tell her without hesitation if I can talk to Mr. Walker.
She hands the phone over to him, "Hello, Doctor Walker speaking."
"It's Ryan."
"Hey Ryan. I'm terribly sorry about your loss. He was very strong and caring."
"Yes... he was."
"If you ever need to talk, I'll be here. There hasn't been..."
His voice trails on and I'm ready to set myself free. I stop motioning. I'm calm and at peace. The gun I find comforting in my hand. I then come back into conversation. It's time to go.
"Mr. Walker... I just wanted to say that you are an amazing doctor. You did the best you could and you've become like a friend to me."
"I'm glad to hear that, thank you."
"And, um, by the way. You should send someone over here soon..."
"Why?" His voice sounds a bit more worried.
"Just... just hurry because I don't want to create too much of a stain on the carpet."
I hold the gun up to my temple. Brendon... I'll be there soon.
Murmured raised voices are coming from the other line. I manage to tune them out perfectly.
"Goodbye... Mr. Walker."
*click*