Rise and Fall

We had been driving around for almost a half hour now. I hoped we were getting there soon because I was starting to get hungry. I had only eaten junk food all day and hadn’t had a proper meal. “You hungry,” Matt asked. “Yes but I don’t have my wallet,” I said. “What do you want,” he asked. “Didn’t you just hear me say that I don’t have my wallet,” I said. “What do you want,” he asked, ignoring me. “You choose,” I said, resigning to the fact that he was buying me dinner.

We settled on Taco Bell. He got a bunch of tacos and I got two orders of quesadillas. I was always starving after intense classes and workouts. He pulled into a parking spot after we got out of the drive thru so we could eat and cut the engine.

“Am I allowed to ask questions,” I asked. “I assume you’re going to ask them regardless of what my answer is,” Matt said and I grinned at his response because it was the truth.

“Why do you hide the fact that you’re in a band? How come you guys don’t make music anymore? Did something happen? Is it because of the gang,” I asked, bursting with questions. I really hoped he would answer at least one of them. “You know you could space those questions out you know,” Matt said, smirking at me.

“Well sorry but it’s not like I can talk to anyone about any of it. So the questions just start to add up,” I admitted. Matt inhaled another taco and took a swig of his soda.

I sat there eating my quesadillas, my attention focused completely on him as he began his explanation. “Music has always been a major part of my life. It helped me get through my parents divorce and it was my escape in high school… y’know from the bullying. Syn… I mean Brian and I went to school together and we’d always jam at his place. He played the guitar and I’d do the vocals. I can play the guitar too but he’s way better at it. Don’t tell him I said that. Well… I wanted to progress with it and eventually we met up with some other guys and we formed a band. Avenged Sevenfold. The name comes from the band, not the gang,” Matt said, practically spitting out the word gang like it was toxic.

I was still partially in shock that he was telling me off of this. This was probably the most he had ever spoken to me. And it was about his past. I couldn’t lie, I was definitely intrigued to learn about his past and yearned to hear more.

“I didn’t really have an interest in the gang. But my father was constantly reminding me that I’d be taking over after him. Family first, he always reminded me. We fought constantly. He didn’t give a shit that the band was popular and successful. But things… well… things really changed overtime. Things changed when Jimmy died,” Matt explained, whispering the last part. It was obviously still a touchy subject that he didn’t like to talk about.

“Jimmy was our drummer and one of my best friends. And it took out a lot of the fun without him there with us. Sure we got a replacement and he was a great guy… still is… but it just wasn’t the same. Nightmare was the last album we put out. And my father looked at the death as an opportunity. He said it was the best thing to ever happen to me. Now I could put my full attention on the gang. I called him an asshole and we fought for days… sometimes going on stretches of time where we just didn’t talk to each other because we’d end up practically ripping each other’s heads off. And then… he died. So it became final that… the gang life was now mine. Band life over,” Matt said. He stared at the window with a frown on his face.

The life of a gang boss was thrust upon him. Of course it was inevitable, but it happened in the middle of a career that he was happy with where unfortunately he lost one of his best friends. I wanted to hug him or hold his hand or something. He had been through so much.

Matt let out a sigh and pinched the bridge of his nose. “Fuck it’s like an episode of the Sopranos. Thanks for the chat Dr. Melfi,” Matt said sarcastically, leaning forward to grip the steering wheel with his hands and rest his head against it. “It’s good to open up every now and then you know. It’s not good to bottle it up. It’ll make you sick,” I said. Matt rolled his eyes at hearing that. Of course he didn’t believe me. Or he just didn’t want to. Opening up was something he definitely didn’t do on a regular basis.

“I’m serious you know. I’m talking from experience,” I said. Matt loosened his grip on the steering wheel and looked up to stare at me, curious about what I had to say. I swallowed hard and began my story.

“It happened to me in high school. I was always a top student. Straight A’s every marking period. I have two younger sisters and my mom worked long hours… she was a nurse. She divorced my dad when I was little so as I got older, it was like I was the second parent. I was always making my sisters lunches, driving them to school and other places the second I got my license. I held a part time job so I could help contribute money and I’d work at least fifteen to twenty hours a week. That, plus marching band, and working my ass off for the top grades, it was exhausting,” I said and Matt nodded, encouraging me to continue. I had never told anyone this. None of my friends knew. I didn’t want them to know. My chest was starting to tighten but Matt’s stare motivated me to continue.

“I was able to handle it... somehow… for the first few years. But then my mom developed lung cancer my junior year. Ironic part was that she was never a smoker. Hated the smell of it. So my responsibilities skyrocketed. Taking care of my sisters and then also taking care of my mom… driving her to her chemotherapy appointments and other doctors appointments and taking care of her when she was weak… it got to me. I lost a bunch of weight because I was so stressed out. I knew I had some sort of anxiety to begin with… but it just seemed like everything was crashing down on me. Like I was in a pool of water and I couldn’t keep my head above the surface. I was drowning. And I needed help,” I said. I could feel the tears welling up but refused to let them fall. I let out a shaky sigh and stared out the dashboard, unable to make eye contact with him anymore. I was getting to the tough part now.

“But I refused the help. I just kept insisting that everything was fine. I could handle it. Everyone had problems that they dealt with in life. And eventually my body just couldn’t take it… and I was hospitalized. I was there for a few days until they could get my vitals back to normal… and then they put me in inpatient care… to deal with my anxiety and stress… and apparently depression. I stayed there for a week and it was the best damn thing for me,” I said, wiping the tears that had fallen. I could feel Matt’s face was glued to mine, drinking in every word. At some point he had taken my hand within his. The warmth and surprising softness felt good and distracted me and allowed me to keep spilling my secrets to him.

“It was degrading and horrifying at first of course because they strip you of everything that could possibly be used to harm yourself. Like… like my shoes. Of course they had shoelaces and they had to remove them because they were afraid I’d try to strangle myself. But hearing everyone’s stories in group therapy… really helped. It made me realize that people were in the same boat as me… different situations of course… but it didn’t make me weak for needing help. You can’t do everything in life on your own. But the thing that nearly killed me and almost resulted in me going back to inpatient care after that week… was going home and discovering that my mom had died while I was in inpatient care. It’s stupid and doesn’t make any sense that I still beat myself up about it. Like I should’ve been there and not away when it happened. But I was able to finish school… and with the money my mom left us I got my college degree online… of course I had to stay at home to raise my sisters. It was tough… but we managed,” I said. I looked down and saw that my hand was squeezing onto his tightly. My knuckles were white but he didn’t seem to mind.

“So is this a habit of yours? Tossing your needs to the side to take care of others,” Matt asked and I nodded. He squeezed back my hand that had him in a death grip and it caused me to relax a little. “It’s a gift. And a curse,” I said, smiling sadly. “You can’t blame yourself for your mother’s death. It was inevitable,” Matt said softly. He was gently tracing patterns with his thumb and it allowed me to loosen my grip a bit. “I know,” I said quietly, staring down at our hands. His were so much bigger than mine it was almost comical.

“And you can’t tell ANYONE about this. No one knows about this. Not even Shelb. I don’t think my sisters even understand where I was for that week,” I said, as I raised my gaze up to him again and let go of his hand.

“Cupcake, I’ve forced you to hold plenty of my own secrets. I think I can manage this,” he said and we both started laughing. I was laughing uncontrollably and to the point that I didn’t know when I’d be able to stop. I think it was practically hysteria after the crying.

“Fuck we’re quite the pair. If I had realized Taco Bell was going to be such a buzz kill I wouldn’t have stopped,” Matt said and we both laughed again. “Time for your surprise,” he added and without another word he started up the car.

I smiled out the window the rest of the drive. At some point while I was talking he had laced his hand within mine again to comfort me. He was holding my hand securely and was lazily rubbing small circles below my thumb. My hand felt like it was going to explode. How could he have such power over me through just a single touch of my hand?

Our conversation led me to believe that we had broken down some barriers. I had gotten past some of the walls he put up around himself, and in return I shared some of my secrets. It was insane how much I had learned about him in such a short span of time. He was the person I had known the least, but already knew some of my deepest and darkest secrets. And the craziest part was that I didn’t mind. It was like part of me wanted him to know and ached to share anything and everything about myself, as long as it meant being around him and learning more about him.

I was brought back to reality when he cut the engine again and got out of the car, releasing my hand. I looked around where we were and was very confused. I got out of the car and looked around. It was another parking lot, deserted, with the exception of a some cars. “Choose,” Matt said, folding his arms across his chest. “I’m sorry what now?” I asked, staring at him blankly.

“I’m giving you a car, cupcake. Pick one. And if you don’t pick one I’ll do it myself and it’ll be the flashiest, nicest one in the lot,” Matt said. “Ok I know that we just had a heart to heart and poured our guts out to each other but… this is insane. It’s way too much and I cannot accept it,” I said. “Can’t or won’t,” Matt asked, raising a brow. “A car is something you give to… like a high school graduate our your kid when they get their license! Not a student at your gym,” I exclaimed. “Well consider it a housewarming present. Just pick a damn car. It won’t kill you,” Matt sighed.

I bit my lip as I stared at him. There was no getting out of this. He wasn’t going to leave until I picked one. Plus I had no idea where we were. All of them were nice. Then again it wasn’t like any of them were clunkers.

I had it narrowed down to three. One was a Honda Civic, the other a Toyota Camry, so I went with the third. “That one,” I said, pointing to the dark green Jeep Liberty. I wanted the SUV dammit. I liked the idea of being higher off the ground. He rolled his eyes, probably knowing that I was going to pick that one. He opened the driver’s door and put the mirror down, revealing the keys. He dangled them in front of me with a smile on his face. “Say thank you, Matt,” he said. “Thank you, Matt,” I mimicked in his tone of voice and he smirked at me. I scowled as I took the keys from him. “It’s under my name so you just have to get it registered in yours,” Matt explained.

Immediately I wanted to check it out. I sat down in the driver’s seat and saw a smiling Matt standing in front of the car, making his way to the passenger seat. I unlocked it for him and he climbed in. “You’ve been planning this for a while haven’t you,” I asked, checking out the different pockets and gadgets the car offered. Sure enough he had made sure there was a GPS installed. Nothing but the best for Matt Sanders.

“From the moment I visited you at the bar and drove you home that night,” Matt confirmed and I rolled my eyes. “You can’t just go around buying cars for people,” I informed him. “I can when I care about the person,” Matt said and my heart raced at hearing this. He cared about me. Me! It was unreal.

“I’m not like him, you know. Zacky,” he said, whispering the name. I winced as he said the name. Why did he have to bring his name up and ruin the moment? The guy scared the shit out of me and just the sound of his name reminded me of that night. “When he was ranting and raving… I’m not like that. I would never… I’ve never raped anyone. I’m not that cruel. You have to know that. I want you to know that,” Matt said.

“I know. But it’s also relieving to hear you say it yourself. I understand that it’s part of your lifestyle… and I assume that… Zacky does it. But I’m glad you wouldn’t stoop that low,” I said. Matt brought his hand to my cheek and stared at me. “I know you think I’m a bad person. I just don’t want you to think I’m that bad of a person. If that even makes sense. From the moment you stepped into my life, your opinion seems to matter the most to me,” Matt said, slowly releasing his hand.

“You’re not so bad. After all, I got a car out of the deal,” I said and Matt smirked at me. I was disappointed when he removed his hand. I wanted more. “I hope you like it. Oh and this is yours too,” Matt said, looking down and reaching into the center console. He pulled out a silver card and I stared at it. “It’s a gas card. You just tell them how much mileage is in your car… and they’ll fill up the tank,” Matt explained.

“Now it’s too much,” I sighed, refusing to take it from his hand. “It’s not too much for you cupcake,” Matt said firmly and I knew I had no choice but to take it from him. “Thank you,” I whispered, staring into his eyes. They were such a beautiful shade of hazel. It was moments like this that I enjoyed the most because I could truly take in his appearance without any interruptions. Then I realized the staring had probably gone on for too long and lowered my gaze back towards the steering wheel.

“I’m sorry about your friend. Jimmy. That must’ve been… probably still is awful. And I know you’re not supposed to speak ill of the dead but… under the circumstances… your dad was an asshole,” I said and Matt laughed. “Why do you think we butt heads constantly? Drove my mom insane,” Matt smirked.

We sat in comfortable silence for a few minutes. I stared out the windshield into the darkness, in awe of the fact that I had gotten a car. For free. And I wouldn’t have to pay for gas. It was unbelievable. I never predicted something like this would ever happen to me. I jingled the keys in my hand and I heard Matt’s low chuckle.

“Don’t you want to take it for a test drive,” Matt asked, sounding amused. “Yes,” I said instantly and I saw that he was grinning at me. “What’s your new address? You can follow me home,” Matt said. “The Fox Meadows apartments,” I said. “And Jeremy helped you find this place,” Matt said, crinkling his nose in strong disapproval. “It was the only one that I could afford,” I said defensively. Matt sighed in defeat and got out, telling me to follow him. My apartment was just fine! Everyone needed to back off. I grinned and couldn’t help but squeal a little as I started the engine and proceeded to follow Matt out of the parking lot.

A half hour later I saw my apartment complex come into view. Halfway through I recognized the road we were on but decided to let Matt continue to lead the way. I had fun admiring my car and all the features that came with it. Matt pulled to the side to allow me to direct him as to which building complex I was at and he followed me. I pulled up to the C building lot and he pulled up next to me.

He got out and leaned against the front of his car, waiting for me holding my backpack. I locked the door behind me and took the bag from him, forgetting that I had left it in his car. “Nice digs,” he said sarcastically, gesturing towards the apartments and I rolled my eyes. “I know it’s not much and clearly beneath your standards but it suits me just fine,” I said, narrowing my eyes at him. “You’re cute when you get all huffy and angry,” Matt said, giving me a small smile.

“Good night Matt,” I said, deciding to ignore his previous comment. “And thank you for… everything. I’ll never be able to repay you,” I said. “I’m sure I’ll think of something,” Matt grinned, winking at me. “That scares me,” I said and Matt laughed again, causing me to grin at him. “Good night, cupcake. See you around,” he said and waited for me to get into my apartment before leaving.

I probably should’ve been alarmed that one of the most powerful gangsters now knew where I lived, but I wasn’t. In a way it made me feel safer and more assured. I’d rather Matt knew where I lived instead of Zacky. Even though Matt could be terrifying when he wanted to, I felt at ease with him and was more than ok with making room for him in my life.