Goodbye

Is there such thing as a proper goodbye? When it is the love of your life, how do you let go? Do you collapse and scream in pain as your heart is ripped out? Do you silently cry and succumb to your sadness by comforting yourself with your favorite ice cream?

I prefer the later, and that is what I am doing now. My legs are pulled tightly to my chest; a gallon of birthday cake ice cream is propped on my knee, with my spoon resting in the half eaten container. Tears slide silently down my cheeks and my face is stained black from the makeup I wore earlier in the day. My eyes are glued to the TV in front of me that is playing my favorite movie, Sweet November, in hopes of making me feel a little better.

My mind is far away from the movie that is playing, but I feel comforted knowing that the movie is running. My mind is replaying my last few minutes with him.

My hand was clamped around his, but I refused to look at him, knowing it would only bring more tears. I chose to stare out of the window of our green 4-runner and watch the scenery fly by. I tried to count the infinite number of trees that sped by my window, but seemed unable to get past the number 7.

Ryan squeezed my hand and said “babe, it is only for a couple months, I promise I will call you when I can, and we can email, and write.” His voice was desperate; he didn’t want to leave, just like I didn’t want him to go. “What if…” I couldn’t bring myself to say it; I couldn’t make myself admit my true fears. My true fears would stay buried deep inside of me. I looked at him, committing his every detail to memory.

His blue eyes looked at me, when they weren’t staring ahead at the road. His face was cleanly shaven, but I knew in a day or two, it would look like he hadn’t shaved in weeks. His pink lips were set in an unmistakable frown. Guilt filled me in that moment, this was what he had wanted all of his life, and I was making him sad over it, he had trained for years for this moment, and he was sad to be leaving me.

I returned my eyes to the window which now showed the outside of the airport. Cars surrounded us, and a few shuttle busses could be seen. The sky was filled with planes of different shapes and colors. Ryan continued driving at a steady speed, never speeding up, or slowing down.

I turned my attention to the road ahead, and saw that he was pulling into a parking garage. I closed my eyes and made myself focus on something else, rather than what was to come.

My attention turned to the seat belt was gently scratching my shoulder and beginning to irritate the skin. I fidgeted with the seat belt so that it would rub on my t-shirt instead.

The car slowed to a stop and I opened my eyes, knowing it was time to face the inevitable. I sighed and looked at Ryan who was watching me with concern. His camouflaged uniform looked good on him, I couldn’t complain about that. He lifted our joined hands and kissed mine gently and then let go of my hand and climbed out of the car.

I unbuckled my seat belt and slid off of my seat until my feet hit the concrete floor of the parking garage. Ryan was getting his bags out of the back, I waited patiently, watching his every move. He closed the trunk and then walked to where I stood, and took my hand once again. We walked into the airport together, his tickets in hand.

The cool air from the air conditioner hit me in the face; I shivered from the unexpected change in temperature. I closed my eyes as the shiver ripped down my spine. Ryan wrapped his arm around my shoulders.

“You cold?” He whispered. I nodded knowing if I said much I would cry. We walked to the ticket counter and waited for someone to become available.

“Next traveler please” an older woman’s voice called from down the line of ticket takers. Ryan dropped my hand and walked to where the older lady stood. He set his camouflaged bag on the scale and handed the lady his ticket. I followed him and stood close by. “Sir, I would just like to thank you, for you service to our country.” The older woman whose name tag read Sharon said.

Ryan’s face lit up in pride and said “thank you ma’am you don’t know how much that means to me, I am proud to serve our country and protect the innocent.” Sharon nodded and said “you sound just like my husband, he served years ago, and I was in the same position as this young lady here.” She nodded her head towards me. I smiled at her kindly. “He was sent on tours of different countries many times, and he loved it, he died doing what he loved.”

I could feel my eyes grow to the size of saucers. Sharon shook her head and said “Honey, you have nothing to worry about, this one her seems like he is strong and has a good head on his shoulders.” She looked down at the computer screen in front of her and clicked a few keys and then said “Well, sir, here ya go, and God Bless.” She took his bag and threw it on the moving belt behind her and then handed the ticket information to Ryan. Ryan smiled and said “God bless you too.” With that he took my hand and led me to the security check point.

The line was short, and it saddened me, I wouldn’t be able to follow him on the other side, only travelers were allowed. When the line diminished Ryan turned towards me, and pressed his lips to mine fiercely. I reacted by placing my hands on his chest. When he pulled away I noticed my hands in fists, holding onto the camouflaged material of his uniform. “I love you, I always will, no matter what. You are my world, and it hurts me to see you like this.”

I nodded, “I love you too.” Tears began to run down my face, and I sniffled, trying to compose myself.

He wrapped his arms around me, and whispered “it won’t be long I will be back in a few months.”

I nodded into his shoulder, “I know I am just going to miss you a lot!”

He released me and said “I know, baby, I will miss you too.” He stood up to his full height which towered over me. He glanced at the clock on the wall behind me and said “I have to go, or I am going to miss my flight.”

I nodded and said “okay” my heart ached and I began to cry harder. Ryan hugged me once more and said “please don’t cry I will be back soon.” I shook as my sobs racked my body. I nodded into his shoulder and then pulled away from him. I wiped my tears on my sleeve, and then said “Don’t miss your flight.”

I tried to smile encouragingly but only managed to grimace. Ryan laughed and said “that’s my girl, always being optimistic. It won’t be long; I will be back before you realize I am gone.” I nodded and said “okay, I trust you, be careful, and don’t forget me. I will be waiting.” He smiled a sad smile and said “I could never forget you Steff. I love you way too much.” I smiled feeling my heart ache knowing I wouldn’t see him for months.

He hugged me and said “Goodbye for now Persephone. I love you.” He kissed my cheek and then turned and walked through the security check point. I watched him until he was finally out of sight. I turned on my heel and quickly exited the airport before someone thought I was a loony or something. I quickly climbed into the driver’s seat of the car and pulled out of the parking space and drove home.

So now Ryan isn’t here for me to cuddle up to when I have a bad day, or when I need an emotional release. The movie finally turns off and I turn the TV off, put the now empty tub of ice cream on the floor beside the couch and snuggle down into the couch and fall asleep.

Three months later

I have gotten a few letters from Ryan, but it has turned into a routine, all read about the same, he is doing well, he misses me, and he loves me. I always write back telling him that he should be careful, I miss him too, I can’t wait to see him, and I love him.

I cry over every letter, and put all of the letters under my bed where they will be safe.

One evening I was sitting on the couch watching the evening news. They were doing a cover for the Iraq War and the lead news anchor says “today, there has been a road side bomb that destroyed two convoy vehicles, injuring many and killing three soldiers.” I sucked in a breath and put my hand to my mouth. It was terrible, but then again these tragedies happened on a daily basis, so these panic attacks were slowly getting better. I closed my eyes and soon fell asleep, only to be woken up by a knock on the door.

I slowly opened my eyes, unsure if I had really heard the knock, or if I had only imagined it. I waited a few seconds and decided it was my imagination. So I closed my eyes, only to be disturbed by another knock. I stood quickly and walked to the front door. I ran a hand through my scraggly hair and then reached for the door knob. I turned it and pulled the door open; to find myself staring at a pair of men in camouflaged uniforms.

“Hello, are you Persephone Goode?” I nodded and said. “Yes, I am Persephone.” I crossed my arms in front of my chest afraid of what would come next. One of the men stuck out his hand and said “Well, Persephone, I am Sergeant Perry and this is my colleague Sergeant Little.” I shook both of their hands and said “It is nice to meet you, but may I ask, why you are here?”

They nodded and said “Well Ms. Goode, we have some saddening news, Ryan Skiles was involved in a road side bomb.” I stared at them in disbelief. Tears began welling up in my eyes, and I tried unsuccessfully to blink them away. “We are sorry to tell you Ms. Goode, but Ryan perished when the bomb exploded.” My hands began to tremble and I could feel tears streaming down my face. I did not try to hide my tears; instead I let myself weep in front of them.

“We are here to give you this” Sergeant Perry handed me a folded flag that I hadn’t noticed before. I took the flag and said “thank you.” I couldn’t stop the quiver in my words. The two men turned away and walked off of my porch, and into the world.

I closed the door and then leaned against it. I slid down the door and pulled my knees to my chest and continued sobbing. The flag rested between my legs and my chest, my tears falling onto the soft material.

Ryan was my world, my love, my best friend, my everything, and now he was gone. I loved him, and he was gone. I only lived these past few months knowing that he would be home. Now he would never be home. He would forever be in a deep dark hole. He would never take another breath, he would never blink, he would never be able to hear my heart beat when he rested his head on my chest.

The one thing I will miss most though is the three words he said to my every day.

I love you.