Melodies

I was watching some stupid movie that just happened to be on when Kell came in through the front door. I heard him shout to the person who had dropped him off, presumably Sydney, before he shut the door. He seemed to be in a good mood, at least.

I continued staring at the screen as Kell came through the living room, sitting down next to me on the couch I'd been laying on for the past few hours. He turned to me, frowning.

"Quit it."

"I'm not doing anything."

He leaned over and moved my hand away from my waist. I'd been tapping my hipbones with my fingertips without realizing it, a nervous habit. I did it with my collarbones at school, when I was nervous about a test.

I didn't really want to see Kell. I felt massive and disgusting and full of lard. Next to him, I was a whale. He just sat there, thin and proportionate and perfect.

"So, is Aaron going to be actually admitted anywhere or is he getting out once they clear him for his heart thing?"

"He's probably getting out in a few days. His family can't afford to really send him anywhere."

"That sucks."

"Kind of, I guess."

There was a lull in the conversation as we both stared at the television. Some girl was crying, and a guy came out of nowhere and comforted her.

"Are we the only ones home?"

"Yeah, Willa's out at an interview." I paused, unsure how to address the next issue. He'd been so happy that she'd been home "She's leaving again in about a week if the interview goes okay."

"Oh." He was quiet for a minute. "I guess it'll just be us again."

"Yep."

There wasn't exactly a tension between us. There was just a wall, sort of. It was awkward, really. It had never really been awkward between us before.

"Hey, you should get dressed."

"Why?"

"I'm taking you shopping. You should at least have clothes that fit you right so you're not wearing stupid pajama pants all the time."

I sighed and looked at Kell, moving my leg so I could properly see him. He smiled, looking kind of hopeful.

"Fine."

~~~~~~~~~

I hated being in public. I hated being out of the house. I hated being around all those people.

Kell had made me drive us to the mall, my least favorite place, and had dragged me in, taking me into the first store we came across.

A saleswoman started to come over, but stopped herself, trying to act like she was just fixing a t shirt display.

I hated being in public. It had only been about two weeks of "recovery," but I swear I'd already gained at least 40 pounds. I could feel it, covering me like a layer of something, weighing me down and surrounding my bones.

Kell pulled me over to a bunch of shirts, talking, but I wasn't really listening.

I stared at all of the shirts. I was way too big for any of them. I'd be flaunting my fatness in them, not something I really wanted to do.

Kell held up a shirt against me, trying to see what the color looked like against my skin. My pale, gross, wax-like skin.

He eventually gathered up a few shirts and a couple pairs of pants, somehow even getting me to try an outfit on to make sure we had the right size.

The changing room was the worst. The girl who opened it for me kept staring. I knew I was enormous and awkward and disproportionate and gross. But she didn't need to make it so obvious that she'd noticed.

I hated being around other people.

I put on the outfit Kell had sent me in with, trying not to see my reflection in the mirror as I changed. I looked once I was dressed, though, hating what I saw.

I pulled my hair out of my face, staring at myself. I felt the fat covering me, spreading throughout my entire body. And yet, when I looked in the mirror, I looked like a little kid. I looked pretty skinny, really, until I started looking closer.

My stomach was starting to stick out again. Fucking great. My thighs were already enormous, and my face was starting to get rounder. I was getting bigger, definitely, and I hated it.

"Jamie, are you ready? Hurry up, I want to see."

I sighed and opened the door, letting Kell see the clothing he'd picked out. "Happy? I look like an elephant. I'm disgusting."

He shook his head. "I like them. And you do not look like an elephant and you are not disgusting. I promise. You look good. If you weren't my brother, I mean..."

I shut the door before he could finish, not really wanting to hear the end of the sentence.