Melodies

We were done, Momma left, and it had been about six weeks when things started getting bad again.

Jamie's weight was fluctuating again, and he was getting considerably irritable. I would have been able to be more understanding, had I not also been crabby.

I couldn't sleep. Well, not when I was supposed to. I couldn't sleep at night, but I kept falling asleep at school and in public if I wasn't constantly engaged. I was sleeping maybe four hours a day, if I was lucky.

Sydney tried to help in every way he could. He brought relaxation stuff to me from Mystic, oils and incense and candles, but they didn't have any effect on me. He put together lullaby playlists, but they didn't do anything. He read textbooks aloud to me one night, hoping he could bore me to sleep, but I actually got caught up in the subject.

I felt like it was annoying him that there was nothing to be done for my insomnia except for sleeping pills. I didn't like the idea of them, and insisted on just suffering. He pleaded with me to just try them, but I refused. The lack of sleep had made me more of an asshole than anything else, really.

"Why won't you take them?"

"I just don't want to. I don't want to have to depend on medication for anything."

"It's just for a little while, and then you can stop taking them. It's just until you get caught up on sleep."

"Fuck off, I'm not taking any stupid pills."

Then, of course, there was the homework fight, when Sydney spent the night.

"What the hell are you doing, Kell? It's like, midnight."

"I'm getting ahead with my Geography assignments."

"Why? It's the middle of the night. Just lay down and try to sleep."

"There's a map due in a few weeks, I'm just getting it out of the way."

"Fucking-just, would you please just stop?"

"I'm just getting some stuff done right now. I'm not going to sleep anyway, I might as well be productive."

"Kell, please."

So, basically, I was a huge bitch and Sydney was an angel by just taking it as it came. He had to put up with enough when I was being bitchy, but it got even worse when I lost the attitude and just kind of went blank. I just felt tired all the time. I wasn't irritated, angry, happy, guilty, curious, jealous, excited, or anything. Sometimes I felt kind of sad, or mildly disappointed, but that seemed to be about it.

I didn't realize how bad it was until Sydney kissed me after school one day and I just completely didn't respond.

He pulled away from me, looking confused and slightly hurt. "What's wrong?"

I must have been spacing out. I snapped back into reality, though, once he spoke to me. "What? Nothing, I'm fine."

"Kell, you've been acting weird."

"No I haven't."

"Yeah, you have. Look, I-"

Jamie came up then, pulling me away, saying we had to leave right then or he was leaving me to walk home. I looked at Sydney over my shoulder, trying to read his face and his body language. He just looked kind of worried and upset.

It occurred to me after a few seconds, that I had made him look like that.