Too Young to Understand

His hands shook violently as he paced around the small bathroom for answers from stick that gave only two replies when peed on. He could feel the sweat rolling down his face and his stomach cart wheeling its way to vomiting. He wished for two things and that was to go back in time so this never would have happened and a fucking cheeseburger because he was craving one.

He turned to the mirror, taking notice that his eyes were blood-shot from not sleeping the whole night out of worry, and how his hair hadn’t been washed in a few days, sticking up in a few places. He looked paler than normal and his cheeks held a red tint to them.

He glanced down at his watch and noticed it was time. He closed his eyes as he reached to grab the test and brought it over to his line of vision. To be honest, he hoped nothing was growing inside of him because damn, he was still in school. Hell, how was he going to come up with a story for when it is true, because he never told his mom that he was gay, never told her that he had a boyfriend who he had unprotected sex with, and how he’s been lying about his boyfriend just being his best friend for three years now.

He lived with whole bunch of secrets around his mom. He often got in trouble, did his fair share of drugs and been drunk a few times. One time, he even drove around the city drunk with his boyfriend and his best friend because they were stupid. They didn’t get caught, but he knew that his mom would frown upon it.

It was time to find out, he decided. He opened his eyes slowly, taking in a shaky breathe before exhaling it. His eyes scanned the result: positive.

The test dropped from his hands and it landed on the tile bathroom floor. He stumbled backwards into the shower door and slowly sank to ground. His chest squeezed tightly around his rib cage, his heart beating faster than a hummingbird’s wings.

Then… it hit.

All at once it was like a huge wave crashing into him, forcing him to struggle to keep himself from becoming emotional. A salty tear slipped from his eye, then came another, and another, until he buried his face in his knees and let out a quiet, choked sob.

As much as he wanted to not believe it, he felt like he could feel the second heartbeat beating inside of him in a slow, but steady rhythm. He could feel his own heart cracking from the guilt because he didn’t want to carry a baby. He clearly wasn’t ready and he clearly was a stupid seventeen year old who practiced unsafe sex.

Oh, how his mom would love to hear this!

He smacked himself as hard as he could on his leg, but it only stung a bit. He cursed in between sobs, feeling his chest heave quickly. He wiped his nose with the back of the hand before sniffing, and proceeding to rub the tears away.

Of all the things he could’ve done in his life, was that he had to get fucking knocked up in high school.

---------

He waited for his boyfriend to come get him so he could take him to school. He would’ve taken his own car to school if Brian hadn’t bitched about not seeing him enough in the mornings.

His fingers played with the thread coming off his hoodie sleeve as he sat on the steps to his house. He didn’t want to face Brian this morning, not after what happened last night.

Maybe, he’ll go to the free clinic after school and get the whole thing aborted so it would be like nothing had ever happened… but life doesn’t work that way. He would hate himself for killing something that was just a few cells that pose no harm other than ruining his life at home and school, maybe wrecking a relationship or two.

How many weeks was he in… a month? Six weeks? So by the end of junior year he’ll be in labor? Not something he was looking forward to either.

“Yo, Zacky! I’ve been here for five minutes and you’re still sitting there?!” Brian called out from the car window.

He sighed and slowly got up from the step, grabbing his green messenger bag and heading over to the passenger side. He got in and buckled up, not saying a word, because he was tired and stressed, and mostly didn’t want to break down in front of Brian. He would want to know why and if he didn’t tell him, Brian would get upset.

“No morning kiss?” the other asked, his hand on the gear shift.

The other cleared his throat and shook his head, “I’m coming down with something.”

Brian nodded slowly, pulling on the gear shift, “I’m going to a concert this weekend with my dad, and you will not ruin father and son night.”

Zacky chuckled nervously; he glanced out the window and closed his eyes slowly. This morning couldn’t go any slower.

“You sure you’re fine? You’ve barely said a word, think it’d be a good idea to go to school?” Brian asked, flicking on his directional and turning onto the main road.

He nodded, “My throat hurts a bit, but I have a huge test coming up in chem that I can’t miss nor fail.”

“Well… doesn’t Jimmy have the same class as you? I’m sure he could give you the notes.” the other asked, coming to a stop at a traffic light.

He cleared his throat, “Jimmy ditched yesterday.”

“Well, if you told him you needed--”

He cut the other off, “Just fucking put on some music or something and drive.” he hissed and sunk low in his seat, his arms crossed over his stomach.

Brian bit his lower lip, sucking it in his mouth before dismissing the problem. He flicked on the radio and recognized that AC/DC was playing; he turned it up a bit and adjusted himself in the driver’s seat a bit.

Zacky was always a bit more… sensitive, but he never exactly snapped at him before. He frowned a bit because he hadn’t seen the other all weekend because of work and he had an essay due today that he spent all Sunday working on. Friday they went on a date to the movies and saw some stupid comedy that they both laughed at. Last week was normal too.

He pulled in a parking space and turned off the engine, listening to the silence before sighing heavily. He did say he was sick… since when has Zacky ever lied to him? He sometimes kept to himself, but it was always something related to home and school… so nothing of importance. He only knew that because the next day Zacky would be fine and happy.

Then again… he has been sick several times since they started dating and he would normally be over emotional and he often called late at night to talk about how he couldn’t sleep. He would also start crying because he had watched, heard, or read something that upset him. He also always missed school when he got the chance, so why not today?

Did he really care about his grade in science? Last he remembered he had a high C in that class and one more assignment would bring him up to a low B. He was in chemistry himself and found it fairly easy so he could tutor him.

He unbuckled his seatbelt and leaned forward on his seat to feel the others forehead, only to be quickly shoved away and hearing the car door opening and closing in a heartbeat.

He sighed and quickly followed out, “Zack! If it’s me, just say it.” he caught up with the other, who didn’t even bother to look at him.

“Zack, come on. I’ll leave you alone if you want that? I’ll do anything for you, ‘member?” he begged to get the others attention, but still the other pressed forward to the building.

He grabbed the other’s shoulders and spun him around until he was facing him, “Fuck, Zack. What’s wrong? I just want to help, I’m here for you.”

The shorter man closed his eyes and shrugged, “Nothing, I just don’t feel good. The faster the day goes by, the sooner I get to go home and rest.” because he hasn’t really slept in two days now.

Brian sighed and nodded slowly, “Well… you just got me worried because you didn’t seem to want to talk to me when I was just making sure it wasn’t a high fever. I love you.”

The first bell rang and the other left him to stand there alone next to the flagpole. Students passed by him, rushing to get to their first class on time. He felt broken inside because his own boyfriend, who he has been dating for three years, didn’t even say ‘I love you’ back.

Maybe their relationship hit a bump and he just needs to find a spark to fuel it back up again.

He took his time to get to his locker and shoved his books in his bag and taking out things he didn’t need until later. He slowly closed the door and walked over to his first class which was calculus and hoped the teacher was gone or hasn’t even showed up yet.

He took a deep breath before slowly opening the door and trying hard to be quiet. His teacher was standing by the board giving a lesson it, but he had stopped to stare at Brian, along with the other students.

“Reason for being late, Haner?” Mr. Jones asked, approaching the student.

Brian shook his head, “I’ll just take my seat.” he tried to step aside, but his teacher stopped him.

“That’s three times now this semester.” he walked over to his computer and frowned, “Detention, after school.”

He gasped, his eyes widening, “But--”

“No buts. Unless you have parent requesting you elsewhere with proof…?” he raised his eyebrow, taking off his glasses.

Brian shook his head, and slowly made his way to his desk. He took out of books and watch the teacher go back to work, but was quickly absorbed into his own world.

-------

“Detention? For that? You’ve been on time for two weeks in a row, and just because you were tardy earlier in the semester that means you have to suffer?” Jimmy asked. He was quite tall, and skinny. His hair was jet-black and messy, hanging down to his chin. His eyes were a piercing blue and he wore a black coat with black skinny jeans.

Brian nodded, “Fucking hate that class. Maybe I can switch levels…”

Jimmy shook his head, “Trust me, I’ve tried. Gotta flunk out of class for that to happen.”

Brian frowned, wishing he had just decided to be in a lower level instead of a higher level. He glanced over at his boyfriend who was playing with his Mac n’ Cheese. He took that has odd behavior for the shorter man because he rarely ever saw the other do that. He also hadn’t even said a word since he got to the lunch table.

“You alright?” he asked, wrapping his arm on the other’s shoulders, only to be shoved away once again. He glanced over at Jimmy, who merely shrugged. He sighed, “Zacky, if you’re not alright, I can take you home or something.”

Zacky turned to face his boyfriend angrily, “No! I’m not alright, can’t you see that I don’t want to talk about it, Brian. I mean seriously; all I ask is not to be reminded of it! But here you are, throwing it back in my fucking face!” he narrowed his eyes at the other, pushing his tray away from him.

Brian turned to glance at Jimmy, who had his eyebrows raised in question. The taller man cleared his throat, “He didn’t mention anything, just asked to see if you were alright.” Jimmy stated.

Zacky stood up from the table and pointed a finger at the other, “Stay out of it! This is between me and fucking douche bag over there!”

Brian stitched his eyebrows together, “Douche bag?”

“You heard me.” he crossed his arms angrily over his chest.

The other stood up slowly from his spot, he was taller than Zacky by a couple of inches. “Well, sorry! Didn’t know that asking to make sure that my boyfriend was okay makes me a fucking douche bag.”

Zacky huffed and grabbed his messenger bag off the floor, “You don’t have to get into my life, and I don’t have to get into yours, so fucking stay out.” he hiked the strap up on his shoulder and turned away on his heel.

Brian cursed quietly to himself and slumped back into his seat. Jimmy took a bite of Zack’s uneaten food and frowned, “Its cold…”

“What the hell is the matter with him? I didn’t do anything wrong.” he crossed his arms on the table and buried his face in them, groaning.

His friend sighed, taking another bite of the cold food, “I don’t know, but I did see him Sunday morning walking out of the gas station. I yelled at him to come over, and he made a break for it to his car and drove off.”

He lifted his head out of his arms and bit his lip, “That doesn’t sound like him.”

“Dude, right? I mean all I wanted was a hug after spending half of my pay check on gas.” he pointed at Brian with his fork, “But he has been acting strange lately, if you haven’t notice already.”

“Well… maybe I should stay out of it…” he felt defeated, but he didn’t know what to do.

Jimmy shook his head, swallowing, “Bad idea. Zack is that type of person that doesn’t want you to know, but in another way does. Like when his parents were going through a divorce and he acted all weird and told me to stay out of it, but in the end he got angry for not doing anything to help him.” he shrugged and pushed the tray aside, “Get him drunk, that always makes him talk.”

He sighed, “Jim, I don’t think getting my boyfriend drunk just to find out what’s wrong, is a good idea…”

Jimmy held his hands up, “I got an idea. My parents have some convention that they’re going to this weekend; which means I’m all alone in an empty house. Meaning that I’m gonna throw a party! Make sure you don’t drink and make sure he does.”

With all that said, the bell rang signaling the students that lunch had ended and it was time to go back to class. Brian grabbed his backpack and headed off, hoping Jimmy’s idea worked.

------

He leant against his boyfriend’s locker, waiting for him to show up. He glanced down at his watch and tapped his foot, what was taking him so long, he questioned. He glanced up to see that the mess of students had decrease to a few.

God, he was gonna be late to detention.

“Brian, I’d appreciate if you moved one over so I can get into my locker.” a voice said, causing the other to move a few steps over.

“What took you so long?” he asked, watching the other spin the combination and opened up his locker.

He shrugged, “Test, needed to finish.” he pulled out a couple of binders from his bag and shoved them in his locker, “Shouldn’t you head to detention? You’re gonna get more detention if you’re late.”

Brian nodded, “I know, I know. Just needed to ask you something…” the other glanced up and stopped what he was doing, giving Brian the okay to continue, “So… Jimmy’s parents are gone for the weekend so he’s gonna be Jimmy and throw this wild--”

“Can’t.” the other interrupted him and went back to grabbing things from his locker before shutting it close.

The mocha-eyed man raised an eyebrow, “You’ve never said no to a party…”

He hiked his strap up his shoulder, “I know, but I have plans this weekend already.”

Brian bit his lip and nodded slowly, “I feel like you’re keeping something big from me, and Zacky I don’t care what you have to tell me.” he reached out to place his hand on the other’s shoulder, but retracted it, bringing it back to his side. “I’m your boyfriend and I love you, but if you don’t tell me what’s up… you’re gonna make it hard for us to be together--”

“You’re talking crazy.” Zacky hissed, narrowing his eyes.

He shook his head, “No, I’m not. It’s just… that… I want to be with you and I know you’re entitled to having your personal life, but if you’re gonna act like this… it’s just makes things complicated.”

“Just leave me alone.” he stated in a monotone voice and walked down the hallway to the exit doors.

“Zacky--” he cried out, chasing after him until he heard his own name called out from behind in a strict voice. He winced as he turned around slowly to see his teacher, Mr. Jones.

“Not only are you late to my class, but you appear to be late to detention.” he stated, frustration in his voice. Brian mumbled a sorry and followed his math teacher to his classroom.

--------

He closed his eyes, pulling his hoodie sleeves as he felt a cold breeze touch his expose skin. He sighed, and opened up his eyes slowly, blinking a few times. Guilt started taking over his body, but he knew there was no other choice. He took a step forward to the door, reaching out to push it open, only having to step to side when a woman came rushing out, tears running down her face.

Her hair was a strawberry blonde and was in a messy bun, she wore a jean jacket with a knee length jean skirt, and a white shirt. She wiped her tears away and glanced over at Zacky, “Don’t do it.” she whispered and walked away, her high heel boots clacking the pavement.

He felt the guilt strike through his heart and nodded slowly to himself. She was right, he couldn’t do it. He couldn’t possibly walk inside and talk to a lady behind the desk about getting an abortion. He didn’t want it, but he couldn’t murder something that hasn’t even taken their first breath.

He walked over to his car and slowly got inside, before sitting there for what seemed like twenty minutes. He threw his head back.

“What am I gonna do?” he whispered, feeling tears come into his eyes, and his throat tightening. He slammed his fist against the steering wheel, tears cascading down his flushed cheeks, “Fucking life!”

He buried his head in his hands and choked on a sob, trying hard to compose himself, but it was failing horribly. He was angry at himself mostly because he didn’t know what to do without feeling like a monster, but he didn’t want any help from anybody. This was his mess and he has to deal with it himself.

He rubbed his eyes and turned the key in the ignition, listening to the engine starting, but then dying. He cursed at it angrily before trying again and again, before giving up and slamming his fist into the horn.

“Fuck everything!” he threw his hands up in the air and grabbed his phone from his pocket to dial his boyfriend for help, only to stop when he realized he’d want to know why Zacky was in front of an abortion clinic.

He sat back and thought of a few people he could call without them finding out his secret before sighing in defeat and getting out of the car. He glanced around the almost empty parking to see if someone could help him, but sighed. He made his way to the clinic and walked inside the lobby.

“Next!’ a lady shouted and he walked over to the desk.

He cleared his throat, “Um… my car won’t start. I’ve got jumper cables in the trunk, I just need someone to help me.”

She nodded and picked up her phone, “Adam, we have someone over here who needs some help with starting his car.” she spoke into the phone before hanging up, “He’ll meet you out there.”

-------

He walked into his bedroom and collapsed on his bed, here he was on Friday night sitting at home like an outcast. He wouldn’t say alone because he could never be alone for the next eight or nine months. He sat up slowly and glanced around his room to find something to do.

Emerald eyes landed on a desktop computer that was sitting on his desk. He stood up from the bed and made his way over to the computer and turned it on. He glanced over at the book shelve that he had by the desk that has all his video games, computer game, CD’s, movies, and a few books.

Just before he decided on a computer game that he wanted to play, his mind wandered somewhere else and made him stop what he was doing and glanced over on the now turned on computer screen. He placed his hand on the mouse and clicked on an icon; which brought him to his homepage. He maneuvered his curser over to the address bar, highlighting the site address before erasing it, and typing in a new address. His finger pressed the enter button and the site began to load.

He was brought to a new site and he clicked on the search box, typing in, ‘male pregnancy’ before hitting the search button and watched the millions of websites pop up. He clicked the first one and read the article, but he didn’t help him at all.

Even though it wasn’t common for a male to get pregnant, he still knew about it. Everyone was required to take Sex Ed and he learned both male and female pregnancies. He didn’t need the diagram or what you should do for a healthy pregnancy; because damn, this was anything but a healthy pregnancy.

This wasn’t planned, he didn’t want it, and he didn’t expect this to happen! What he expected… was to maybe fail a class or two, get a low paying summer job, and go to wild parties.

But life doesn’t work the way you plan it. Instead, he’s pregnant! Oh how God is probably up there laughing his ass off at Zack Baker at his misfortune.

He went back to the search site and typed in, ‘teen pregnancy’ and pressed his finger on the enter button once again. He clicked on the first site and read the article.

When he finished reading the article he canceled out of the internet and shut down the computer. He groaned out loud, placing his face on the desk. He wasn’t going to tell anyone. He could get through this alone.

“What am I going to do?” he whispered to himself. That was a question that always came back to haunt him. Clearly, he wasn’t ready to be a dad or mom…, he couldn’t stand the idea of getting an abortion…, which left him with the only other logical answer: adoption.

All he has to do is find someone who wants his baby and he doesn’t ever have to worry about it again. Sure, he was going to hate himself, but at least it would be in a better place and not living under the same roof as his mom while he finished up high school.

A knock came from his door, taking him away from his thoughts. He turned around in his desk chair and yelled come in. Only to see his boyfriend opening the door and waltzing right in, closing it behind him.

“I decided to stop by before I made my way over to Jimmy’s.” he explained, sitting on the edge of the bed.

Zacky sighed, “I said I was busy, Bri.”

He laid back on the messy, unmade bed and nodded, “Oh yeah, I can see that. You probably won’t even be done with it when Monday rolls around.” he sat up, using his hands to keep him up.

Zacky rolled his eyes, “Just go to your stupid party. I’m busy right now.”

“Well, can you at least tell me what’s so important that you haven’t been talking to me at all this week, refused me to give you a ride, and declined a party and a date?!” he asked, feeling rage bubble up inside of him.

“I told you, I’ve been sick.” he grumbled, and stood up from his place at the desk and made his way over to his bathroom to grab some pills for the headache that he was starting to get.

Brian huffed, “Unless you have a case of the “sick of Brian” disease, I don’t want to hear the ‘I’m sick’ excuse.” he waved his hand in the air, “Just fucking tell me. I just want to help! It’s like you think I’m just gonna walk all over you. I’m not.”

Zacky turned the bottle of pills in his hand and sighed and put them back, deciding that maybe it was best that he doesn’t fuck up his baby. He pressed his palm on the counter and turned to face an angry Brian. “If I needed help, I’d ask you. I don’t need help, so stop worrying and get the fuck over it.”

The other stood up from his spot on the bed and made his way over to the bathroom, leaning against the doorframe, arms crossed over his chest, “Zack, I know you. So fucking sit down and fucking tell me what’s up, but you’re not going to. You’re going to play this game with coming up with excuses and reasons until you have no more and you’re still going to keep it all bottled up until you can’t take it anymore.”

He let go of the counter and marched up to Brian, he stood on his tippy-toes to make himself look bigger than Brian. “I’ve got my problems handled! Just ‘cause we’re together doesn’t mean you have to know all my fucking problems! If you must know my problems then fine!” he jabbed his finger in the other’s chest, “I have a problem with you right now because you won’t stop nosing around my own life!”

Brian pushed Zacky back gently and sighed, “Well… fuck. Zacky, you just don’t know when to ask for help when it comes to a serious matter. If you think no one’s gonna understand than you’re wrong. Someone will always understand, maybe I won’t understand right now… but I will learn to eventually.”

The other bit his lip, “Go.” he whispered, pointing at his bedroom door.

“What?” Brian asked, he heard what the other said but it didn’t sound like his boyfriend at all.

“I said go and never come back.” he turned around so his back faced Brian, “Don’t call me, don’t talk to me, don’t even look at me.”

Brian felt his chest tighten and his breathing stopped, “W-what… are you saying?” his voice was shaking as his lower lip quivered, praying to any god up there who would help him out right about now.

Zacky took a heavy breathe, “I’m breaking up with you.” his voice sounded strong.

The mocha-eyed man shook his head, “W-what… why…?” tears slipped from his eyes, he did nothing to hide the fact that he was hurt because it was a break up, of course it was gonna hurt and of course one of them was gonna start crying in front of the other.

Zacky already knew the answer to his ex’s question, but he couldn’t tell him it was because he was pregnant because Brian would beg from him to give him another chance so he could help. He didn’t have a good excuse either in his head at the moment and it was hard to come up with one right on the spot.

“Because we weren’t meant to be together.” he spoke in almost a whisper. It was the most bullshit excuse that he could come up with and he knew that Brian would be devastated from those words for a while, but what else could he do? He wasn’t going to tell anyone and he just needed to break away from the people that knew him so they wouldn’t suspect a thing.

Of course… by the time this was all over, Brian will probably want nothing to do with him and he will have to get use to the fact that he ruined everything because of his problems. He felt his stomach clench up along with his chest out of guilt and he hoped that Brian would leave before he broke down.

Brian sniffed and wiped his eyes before saying, “Well…” he cleared his throat, “I-I would still like to help you if you ever need me.” he whispered to keep himself from breaking down.

With that all said he left and Zacky watched his now ex-boyfriend leave in silence. As soon as his bedroom door closed and heard the front door opening, he raced to his bedroom window and watched the figure walk out into the night.

“I’m so sorry… Brian.” he whispered before sinking to the floor as soon as he hear the other’s car starting, and he tried to keep himself together until he was sure Brian was gone.