Let Me Forget.

I’m so fucked, I’m so fucked, I’m so fucked. echoed over and over in my head as I raced around the room to get ready, Josh just sitting lazily on my bed.

I couldn’t help but wonder, did I sleep with him? I mean, no like I’d never had sex with him or anything, but I couldn’t help but be curious.

He finally picked up on the “hurry the fuck up” vibe I was giving off and got up and got dressed.

My cat as scratching at my door, probably upset because she didn’t get to cuddle up in bed with me last night.

I opened it and she stared at me angrily before meowing loudly and trotting off towards the kitchen.

She’s such a priss sometimes.

I walked out, hurrying around to do stuff, trying to leave, when Josh grabbed me by the arm and stopped me.

“What’s the point in going in now?” He asked me. I just gave him an “are you stupid?” look.

“Because I have to at least show up” I told him, pulling my arm out of his grasp. He rolled his eyes.

“But if you just stay home, you can use the excuse tomorrow that you were sick. That the catering last night made you sick, or something” He said. I just stopped and slumped down onto my couch.

“That’s true” I murmured. He just nodded his head in agreement. “Well then what am I suppose to do the rest of the day?”

He shrugged his shoulders, sitting back on the couch with me. “I actually have a show today, I have to leave for that later” He told me. I frowned. He’d be leaving again. As weird as it was, even though I left him and the others behind, now that I had him in a different life I wanted to spend more time around him.

We sat there in silence before I thought of something. I reached over onto my coffee table and picked up the two cds he gave me.

“Do you want me to pay you for these? I mean, cds are expensive” I told him, getting up to get my wallet. He just grabbed my wrist and pulled me back down.

All of this unnecessary touching was getting on my nerves, but it was Josh.

“No, don’t worry about it. It’ll help you understand my state of mind” He said, scrunching up his nose, “Or at least, that’s what Dan thought.”

I just nodded my head idly, and couldn’t stop my mouth before it asked the question, “What inspired you to write these songs?”

He glanced over at me because slouching down on the couch, something he always did when he didn’t want to talk about something. Nonetheless, he still gave me an answer.

“When I wrote Hold Me Down, she had just left me. I was in denial and just moved on normally, only to be crushed again and again. A bunch of slags they were. That’s why a lot of the songs don’t follow a similar pattern” He said, pausing for a second before continuing, “Stay With Me was, actually, written about her though.”

I nodded, trying to not look him in the eyes, “And what about Sinners Never Sleep?”

He hesitated. “Well, after a little while, I finally realized how much she affected me. So did everyone else, but I wrote some pretty great songs off it, so they didn’t mind. Sinners was like my break up album” He said cautiously, “I’ve been told by quite a few fans that it’s the perfect break up album.”

I didn’t reply, only quietly putting the cds back on the table.

“Have you ever thought about trying to find her? Or what you’d do if you did?” I asked him quietly. His head snapped towards me, like he didn’t expect me to ask that.

“I’ve tried to find her, exhausted all the ways I had to look for her. All I know is the day she left, and that she went to a hotel and emptied her bank account, flying out the day after" He said bitterly, “I don’t know what I’d do if I found her. If I’d yell and rave over it, or if I’d just hug her and ask her why. If she hasn’t found me by now, I don’t think she wants to though.”

I don’t know what it was about him, but I couldn’t keep my tongue from slipping up. “Maybe she had a good reason to leave, one that didn’t have anything to do with you, but she couldn’t tell you because of your band” I said, then quickly added, “That’s just my opinion, as a professional” to save my own ass.

He shrugged. “She still could have told me. I would have given up the band for her, left those blokes I call my friends, and went with her” He said, smiling a little, “I would have left with her and helped her carry the burden.”

For a minute, I thought I’d cry. I had no idea he would have gone with me, at all.

There was a knock on the door then, both of our heads snapping quickly towards it. No one ever came to my apartment.

I slowly got up and walked over, opening the door. There stood Marie.

“Oh my god, you are here” She said, hugging me. It was weird. “I didn’t hear from you after last night, and your car is still at the event hall, and then you didn’t come to work, no excuse or anything and I was freaking out, I thought they kidnapped you, I was thinking about calling the-” She stopped, finally noticing Josh sitting on my couch.

“O-oh, hello, I didn’t know you were here” She said, giving me a frightened look.

“Yeah, he is. Marie, what did you do about my absence though? What did you tell the company?” I asked her hurriedly, I was terrified.

“I told them you called in sick, that you ate something bad” She said simply. I let out a breath I didn’t even know I had been holding.

“Good, now why are you here?” I asked her, going back to how I usually acted around her.

“I just needed to know if you were alright” She told me, still glancing at Josh, who was sitting quietly on the couch.

I rolled my eyes, “I’m fine. I’ll be at work tomorrow, I promise. Now, can you go?”

She just nodded, repeatedly telling me she was sorry as I rushed her out the door.

I threw myself onto my couch, kicking off my heels in the process.

“Would you like to come to my show tonight?” I heard Josh ask from the other end.

My eyes widened, “What? W-why?”

He just shrugged, “The guys would be happy to meet you, knowing that you’re helping me. Plus, I think you’d like it.”

I weighed the options for a second, deciding on the pros and cons, before I decided the pros dangerously outweighed the cons. Like an elephant to a house cat.

“Well, I suppose so” I told him, “What should I wear?”

He laughed at my question, causing me to glare at him. “Just wear something comfortable. That’s all” He told me simply. I just nodded.

I noticed him glance up at the clock I had on the wall before standing up, “I actually need to get back soon. Go ahead and get ready and we’ll go.”

“But my car isn’t here, how will we get there?” I asked skeptically.

He grinned, “I’ll call a cab and pay for it, then after to show I’ll take you to get your car.”

I just nodded before heading into my room to get ready.

I already knew I needed to distance myself from him, but just like three years ago, I couldn’t. No matter how hard I tried.