Hold On Till May

"I wish you would just leave my house!" Aurora's mother screamed. Her voice echoed throughout the entire house, bouncing off of the wooden floors and the walls that many family pictures used to hang, but were now empty with outlines of what used to be there. Looking at the pictures of Aurora's father were too painful for her mom, causing her to smash them one night - throwing the pictures across the rooms, the glass from the frames shattering across the floor, leaving Aurora horrified and scared for her life. "You are a worthless piece of shit, Aurora Amber. Just leave and never come back," her voice calmed down, her face turning more serious than her daughter had ever saw it. All the teenager could do was smile a mischievous, evil-toned smile, leaving her mother to wonder what she was going to do.

"Love you too, mom," Aurora said sarcastically, as if everything she had heard for the past hour was a complete, made-up joke. No tears were shed by the girl, only by her mom. It started as a civil conversation, Aurora trying to calm her mother down and talking to her about her depression, trying to talk her into finding another job instead of living off social security and Aurora's job at a local cafe. At first, her mom was agreeing to every word that shot out of Aurora's mouth, saying that it was in fact time for her to get out of her funk and leave the house. It wasn't until Aurora said forbidden words that her mom freaked out. It's. What. Dad. Would. Want. The "D"-word wasn't acceptable, it made her mom bounce off the walls like no other.

Mallory rolled her eyes and smiled back. "You're a little brat."

"I'll be in my room if you need me," Aurora turned on her heel and started to make her way to the stairs until she heard her mom make the final statement which made the girl stop in her tracks with her back turned away.

"When the fuck have I ever needed you, anyway?" Aurora's eyes finally swelled up with tears, words had finally gotten the best of her. Instead of the steady pace, she sprinted up the steps and into her room, immediately locking the door behind her. She fell against her door, fearing for her own life as she was trapped in a house with someone that didn't care for her offspring's existence. Her breathing started to speed up, her heart was beating out of her chest. Finally, she knew what had to be done.

Her phone buzzed on the nightstand.

Are you coming to practice? Alex wants to know and Jack's going insane waiting for you... Literally.

It was Rian. The absolute last person she wanted to talk to right now-in fact, she didn't want to talk to any of the guys in that moment-even though he was exactly who she needed to talk to. She wanted to curl up on the couch in Jack's basement, lean her head against Rian's shoulder and let out every single thought that was on her mind that was buried as deep down as it could go. But she couldn't.

Ignoring the text, she walked over to her stereo and rummaged for a CD that would calm her down. In Love and Death by The Used. She turned it on and cranked up the volume as loud as it would go.

Life's greatest questions have always been: Who am I? Where did I come from? Why am I here? Where am I going? You are about to see and hear one of the most significant messages given to us from God.

The sound of a gun being cocked soon followed the old-timey voice. Afterwards, a loud riff to open the song that shook her entire room and rattled the walls more and more as Burn McCraken's voice screamed, "Get down!"

In that very moment, Aurora started to calm down and picked up her phone trying to text Rian back, but couldn't. Instead, she threw the phone across the room and walked over to her closet, digging out an old Converse shoe box. Inside the box were notes from Alex, mostly filled with poetry and song lyrics that he either wrote or were from songs that reminded him of the girl that had become his entire world since they were in pre-school. At the bottom, wrapped in tissue was a brand new, shiny blade.

The girl laid down on her bed, slowly slipping off her pants until they were down to her knees. She held the blade in her hand and twirled it, becoming intoxicated by it's sheer beauty.

Let it bleed, take the red for what it's worth. Watch the fire, fill your lungs with smoke for the last time. If you feel like dying, you might wanna sing.

Slowly, the girl dug the blade into her upper thigh, the blade slowly giving steel kisses to her scarred skin. Each cut was deeper than the last. The girl laid on her bed with a smile slowly making its way across her face. One more steel kiss, leaving the count at 23 bloody marks dripping sideways off of her legs, but never touching the bedspread.

Asleep, I still see you lying next to me. So deep that it didn't even bleed and catch me.

One simple line made her think of Alex. All it took was one line for her endorphin rush to crash and make her come back down into the real world. She wanted Alex lying next to her in bed with his arms wrapped around her, making her feel safe and at home - in the most innocent sense of the words. He was her body-guard, her protecter, her savior - her entire everything.

She thought about the future as the stared at the blank ceiling, thinking of redecorating her room so it would fit her every mood. Jimmy Eat World and Blink-182 posters covered her walls along with pictures of her and the boys at practice, in cars during the summer when they went up and down the coast on a short-lived tour, and at parties where they were completely inebriated and red-faced.

She laid there until the album was finished.

My stomach hurts now and all tied off in lace. I pray, I beg for anything to hit me in the face. And this sickness isn't me and I pray to fall from grace. The last thing I see is feelings and I'm telling you I'm a fake. I'm telling you I'm a fake. I'm telling you I'm a fake.

Finally. she got up and looked at her masterpiece in the full-length mirror that hung on the inside of her closet door. Sun kissed, thin legs with crimson wounds that matched her hair in the utmost beautifully haunting way. Her faded, red lipstick stained lips smiled wider than her mouth had in a while, not wanting to clean up the mess. Reluctantly, she finally did and decided to text her friend back.

Sorry Lion, I fell asleep. Is practice still going?

A seemingly innocent text, using the animal nickname that she had given each one of the boys in freshman year. The group of four were just down the street and had no idea the antics that their favorite girl had just been up to. None of them needed to know anyway.