Kissing Fire.

When I woke up a few hours later, my heart immediately plummeted to my stomach. Harry’s side of the bed was completely empty, the blankets ruffled. Perhaps I’d just dreamt the entire thing. Perhaps he wasn’t even there. I slowly stretched and pulled myself from the bed before padding to the door. With a shaky breath, I silently pulled the door open and felt myself relax. There he was, sitting next to Zayn as he half paid attention to the soccer game that had been put on TV. This was real. And with that rush of relaxation, there was a slight tinge of worry.

Crazy, right?

But I was still scared. I was scared for how the rest of this talk was going to go. What was going to happen to us? Where would it leave us? I wasn’t sure that I wanted to get back into a relationship with him just yet. I think we both knew that we’d rushed things last time. I couldn’t do that again. Friends, then. Friends would be a good set up for us. It’d give us a chance to get to know each other even better without the pressure of emotions. Yes, friendship was exactly what we needed. And I’d tell him that. Just...not yet.

Without thinking, I’d let out a loud sigh, causing Marina’s eyes to find me.

“Hey, babe! Did you have a good nap?” she asked, her eyes bright and a cheery smile on her face. I nodded offhandedly, my eyes drifting to Harold, who was staring intently back at me. “Come, sit!” She shuffled onto Niall’s lap, leaving an open space on the love seat, even though there was a very open spot next to Harry. Remind me to buy Marina a present. His face fell slightly as I took the seat farthest away from him, but I tried not to let it get to me.

“What’re we doing tonight?” I finally spoke, glancing around the room at all my friends.

“That’s up to you, lovely! We could just get take away and spend the evening here,” El piped up brightly. Hm. Spending the night in the apartment meant more quiet time. And more quiet time meant more time for Harry to send me puppy dog eyes asking to talk. And that was too scary at the moment.

“No, why don’t we go out? I’m sure you all didn’t fly here to sit in my apartment and eat boxed food.” My voice and face were chipper, but I’m pretty sure Marina knew I was avoiding everything with Harry. She’d always been good at that kind of stuff. Danielle let out a light laugh before offering to make a reservation.

“Anywhere in particular, babe?”

“Surprise me.” And with that, I was up from my seat and rushing to my bedroom to look for a pretty dress. It was still my birthday after all, and damnit, I was going to look good.

It was nearly a half hour later when Marina skipped into my room, clad in a gorgeous little pink number . Not quite surprisingly, I was still in my closet looking for something to wear. All my dresses just seemed so tired.

“Well this looks productive!” she’d chirped as she took in my slumped shoulders.

“Ha ha ha, it’s not my fault! None of these dresses seem right,” I whined as I spun to face her. She chewed on her lip for a moment, her brow furrowed in thought.

“Oh! What about the dress Lou and El just got you?” My eyebrows rose as I recalled that I did just get a gorgeous new dress.

“And you, my dear, are perfect!” I grabbed her face and placed a sloppy kiss on her forehead before practically skipping to the living room. All of the boys were surprisingly dressed, lounging about the living room in variations of slacks and dress shirts.

“You’re still not dressed?” Zayn moaned from the couch as he looked over at me.

“Oh, eat a dick. Don’t you have to do your hair or something?” I spat back jokingly, prompting one of those loud laughs to escape Harry’s lips before he quickly slapped a hand over his mouth. A light smirk reached my face, as those were my favorite laughs, before I gathered the few things I needed and scurried back to my room.

Soon we were all dressed and ready to go, leaving us to figure out taxi situations. Finally, to avoid any sort of conflict, we let the boys squish into one car and the ladies went in another. We’d arrived at the restaurant around eight, and let me just say, the place was astonishing. It was one of those places that was super high end, the type that I’d never normally go to due to the outrageous prices. But this was a special occasion and hey, I wasn’t paying.

Harry, seeming to not notice any hints I’d dropped at the apartment, chose to sit next to me at dinner. This also meant he tried placing his hand on my knee more than once throughout the meal. And each time, I’d politely moved my leg away. I could tell he was getting frustrated with the situation, but he held his tongue and continued with the happy chatter that was flying around the table. The boys had an infinite amount of stories about Australia and when they got home, so there were no dull moments at dinner.

But soon we were heading home, and I’d insisted on the same car situation as earlier. The girls all tried to talk to me in the cab about Harry, but I continued to change the subject whenever they brought him up.

“Seriously, Em, stop!” Marina finally cried as I started to ask about Danielle’s dancing for the third time since we’d gotten in the taxi. My mouth clamped shut as my eyes found the floor. She turned to look at me from the front seat but I couldn’t hold her gaze. “What are you doing? You- you say you want to fix things and that you miss him, and we all heard you in the kitchen earlier, but…now you’re avoiding him like the plague? I don’t get it, Emerson! Like, what do you want out of this? What are you trying to accomplish? Seriously, I think you’re giving us all whiplash and-”

“I’m scared, okay?” I called over her, my eyes finally raising to hers. “I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing or what I’m feeling and I’m scared. I- I don’t know what I’m going to say to him and that’s why I’ve been avoiding it, okay? Are you happy now?”

“Excuse me, uhm, this is your stop,” the taxi driver spoke timidly after clearing his throat. Great. Now he probably thought I was fucking crazy, too. I quickly pulled a few bills from my clutch, despite the girls’ protests and handed them to the man before fleeing the car. By the time the girls reached me, the elevator had just arrived, so we all stepped in. It was silent for the first few floors, no one really knowing what to say.

“Em, I wasn’t trying to jump down your throat, I’m just worried,” Marina finally pleaded as she reached for my hand.

“I get that, Marina, I do. I just- I don’t know what you want me to tell you. Things are just really confusing right now.” A sigh escaped my lips as I squeezed her hand, and she was quick to squeeze right back.

“I know, babe. But, we’re all here for you. I promise.” I smiled sadly at her before pulling her into a tight hug. Dani and El rubbed my back reassuringly, promising me that everything would be okay. We’d beaten the boys back to the apartment and that gave me time to pace and wring my hands.

“Em, relax, please,” Eleanor’s soft voice floated through the air as she appeared from the kitchen with a steaming mug. “Here. Drink and breathe.” She handed me the cup of tea and I was quick to take a few large sips, regardless of how scalding it was.

When the boys arrived, I was terrified that Harry was going to pounce, but Liam suggested having more birthday cake. Thank you, Liam. So he dished out more pieces of cake and for some god forsaken reason, I was given the piece with Harry’s face. Like, you’ve got to fucking kidding me. Of all the pieces, I get his face. Seriously. And then, it just felt weird to stick a fork in his face, so I just ate all the sides around it.

“You, uh, didn’t finish your cake,” Harry murmured as he sidled up to me in the kitchen. We both shared a glance before looking at his tiny smiling face sitting on my plate.

“I didn’t want- it just felt weird to- you eat it.” I practically shoved the plate into his hands before heading over to Zayn.

“Hey, babe,” he greeted with a smile as he slipped his arm around my shoulders. My head came to rest on his shoulder as I let out a sigh. I could feel Harry watching us and that made me feel even more awkward. “Alright?” he asked as he glanced down at me.

“No. This is so difficult,” I muttered tiredly as I picked my head up to look at him. His eyes softened as he gave my shoulder a squeeze.

“Look, I know things are weird right now, but he really cares about you, Em. I’ve never seen him like this.”

“Yeah right. Everyone knows how he was after Caroline,” I replied with a scoff.

“Yeah, but it’s different this time. He-”

“Who’s up for a movie?” Niall suddenly called over the talking. Everyone seemed to agree, but I was not looking forward to being stuck in a room with Harry at the moment.

“How about we do that cartoon?” I piped up, looking at Zayn eagerly.

“Right now? What about the movie?”

“Eh, I can watch a movie whenever. And we both know we’ll forget it if we wait.” He mulled over my words before nodding in agreement. So while everyone shuffled into the living room, Zayn and I found some paper and a pencil and placed ourselves at the small table in the kitchen.

They’d ended up watching the new Spiderman or something, while Zayn perfected his cartoon of me. Even after he’d finished the drawing, we’d stayed in the kitchen and talked in hushed voices about everything. We talked about his family life, and my family life, and tour, and Perrie, and yes, Harry. We were so lost in conversation that we didn’t even realize the movie was over until Harry had wandered into the kitchen.

“How’s the movie?” Zayn asked as the tall boy moved to fill a glass with water.

“S’over.” I could tell he felt uncomfortable standing there with the two of us, and soon his eyes found mine, pleading with me to talk to him. He opened his mouth to say something, but I quickly turned to Zayn.

“I want a cigarette, will you come with me?” I asked in a rush, and Zayn briefly sent Harry an apologetic look before nodding and standing up. The three of us headed into the living room, and I was about to go to my room to grab some smokes, but Zayn called me back, saying he had extra. So we stepped onto the small balcony off the living room. There was just enough room for maybe three people and the small table we had which held an unnecessary little potted plant and an ashtray. But I loved the little balcony. It was still a place to escape to. And that was all that mattered.

We were silent as we lit up and for the first few puffs of smoke, and then Zayn turned to me.

“You can’t keep ignoring him.” A sigh passed my lips, but I kept quiet. “Look, I know you’re scared, and he’s scared, too. But you can’t just refuse to talk about this. It’s not going to help anything. You both are clearly feeling a lot of things right now, and you need to sort that out. It might suck, but you need to try, babe. Please.”

Still I was silent after Zayn’s miniature speech, collecting my thoughts and trying to decide what I would say to Harry when the time came. But it would seem I wasn’t allowed much time, as the door slid open and Harry appeared in the doorway. Zayn turned to face him, and they seemed to have a silent conversation before Zayn nodded and put his cigarette in the ashtray. And then he was gone and I was left with Harry, the door clicking shut.

There wasn’t much light on the balcony, and for that I was thankful. I wasn’t sure I’d want to see the look on his face right now. My stomach was tight with knots and I felt like I was going to vomit and I knew I wasn’t going to be able to talk first.

“How’d the picture turn out?” he finally asked, his body turning to face mine. At first I was confused, honestly.

“What? Oh, uhm, it looks good, yeah,” I mumbled, not quite sure where he was going with this.

“Yeah, the movie was good. Have you-?”

“Okay, stop. We can’t- we can’t sit here and make small talk. We both know why you came out here. So, let’s just do this. I think we should-”

“I think I love you.”

My heart plummeted to my stomach and my eyes widened and I felt like I was going to fall over. Excuse me?

“Harry, you- you don’t love me, that’s crazy!” I cried exasperatedly as I stubbed out my cigarette.

“I-”

“Christ, you- we hardly know each other!”

“I mean, we know quite a bit about each other. We spent weeks talking and-”

“Harry, please. I really care about you, and I know you care about me, but love is not on the table right now. You don’t love me. Okay?” He swallowed loudly and let out a small sigh before nodding.

“Yeah, okay.” His shoulders had slumped forward and instantly I felt horrible for having snapped at him. I just got so worked up about everything and then he throws love at me? I quickly stepped forward and grabbed his hand in mine, causing his eyes to rise up to my own.

“Harry, listen. We both know we rushed things. I don’t think either of us were in any position to just dive into a relationship, you know?” He nodded gently, his thumb brushing the back of my hand. “And I just think it would be better if we started over. As friends.” His eyes held mine and he looked incredibly crestfallen, but I couldn’t let myself back out of this. I was just waiting for the explosion on his end.

“Okay. I understand,” he answered calmly, his thumb still stroking my hand. My eyebrows furrowed slightly.

“What?”

“I understand.” I abruptly pulled my hand from his, taking a few steps back.

“Are you kidding? You understand. Of course you understand!” I threw my hands up in frustration before running them through my hair.

“Sorry? Should I not understand?”

“Aren’t you going to yell at me or something? Get upset with me?” I was practically shouting now, and I was hoping that I wasn’t waking any neighbors as it was now pushing three in the morning.

“Of course I’m not going to yell at you,” he almost laughed.

“Why the hell not? Seriously, I’ve been horrid to you since you got here, and then I tell you that I just want to be friends and you understand?”

“Yes.”

“Come on! Show a little fire!” And then you know what I did? I shoved him. I grabbed him by the shoulders and I shoved him. I’m not quite sure why I started acting hysterical, but I pushed him again.

“Em, stop,” he muttered as he reached for my hands.

“Why? Is this bothering you?” Another shove. “C’mon, Harold. Give me some emotion, please!” And once again. His jaw locked as he once again tried to get my hands, but I was quick to pull them away and shove him again.

“Damnit, Emerson, knock it off!” he finally bellowed, capturing my hands in his large ones. We were both breathing heavily, our faces inches apart. His eyes darkened slightly as they danced between my eyes and my lips and I felt an overwhelming urge to kiss him. Just grab him by the collar and kiss him with everything in me. But I couldn’t. Because people who were ‘Just Friends’ didn’t kiss. So I pulled my hands from his tight grip and stepped away again, turning my back to him.

What was I doing? I shouldn’t have freaked at him like that. That was no way to start over. I just- damnit, I wasn’t expecting him to be so okay with it!

“Em, I’m sorry. But I can’t- I can’t get upset with you. I started this. And you’re right, starting over would be good. Granted, I wish we could start a bit after friends, but okay. As long as it’s what you want. Just tell me what you want, and that’s what we’ll do. I just want you to be happy.” The complete and utter sincerity in his voice was what caused the tears to gather in my eyes. Why couldn’t he just be selfish for once?

Because the truth was, as much as I was trying to convince myself Harry and I were better off as friends, I wanted to be with him so much. Because things were so comfortable with Harry and I didn’t want to lose that. What if things weren’t as comfortable this time around? What if things were just terribly awkward and we stopped talking altogether? I hadn’t even realized that I was shaking with cries until Harry had asked if I was crying. And then I was wiping furiously at my face as I tried to assure him I was fine.

“I, uhm, I think I’m going to get some sleep. It’s late. Uhm...yeah, okay. Goodnight, Harry.” My words were all broken as I tried to collect myself and get past him. But of course he couldn’t just let me slip past. His hand came out to grab my own and he spun me to face him.

“Emerson, please just try to relax. Everything is going to be okay. I’m not going to lose you again.” Then he pulled me into a hug, held me for a few long moments, pressed a kiss to my forehead, and let me go. And there was nothing I could do at that point but go inside and get some sleep and hope for a better tomorrow.