Kissing Fire.

The thing that terrified me the most about the boys leaving was that I was immensely terrified about the boys leaving. Somehow, those silly little European boys had wedged themselves into my heart and now they were being ripped away from me. Look, I know this sounds incredibly moody and perhaps even cheesy, but hey. Those boys meant a surprisingly large amount to me. I can’t exactly pinpoint when I decided that they were so special to me, but I was dealing with the aftermath now. We were minutes away from getting in a car to go the airport and I felt my stomach tighten with the seconds. Now, in reality, we probably shouldn’t have gone to the airport with them. Y’know, because of the fans and paps and everything. But for obvious reasons, Niall wanted Marina to see him off. And then Harold had practically begged me, though discreetly, to go. He kept making all these points about how if Marina was going, I should go. It only made sense. Plus, Dani and El would be devastated if I didn’t go. And he could not state enough how much it would mean to Zayn if I was there.

The fact that he used Zayn as an excuse really pissed me off, actually. We’d discussed many a time how Zayn had Perrie and how I wasn’t into him in a romantic sort of way. But Harry continually teased me about it, saying there was “so much sexual tension”. When really, sex was that last thing I thought of with Zayn. Look, I know he’s beautiful and he’s totally sexy. And yeah, maybe if he didn’t have a girlfriend, I’d be into him. But for some reason, I still couldn’t actually see myself liking Zayn in a romantic light. Call me crazy.

So finally, I had to ask Harry point blank if he actually wanted me to go. Because every single “reason” he gave me explicitly did not involve him.

“Of course I want you there!” He’d exclaimed just the night before as we sat in his bedroom. I threw a skeptical look at him from my seat on the bed while he finished up his packing.

“You sure? Because everything you’ve given me so far has been about Zayn and the girls,” I stated, a sneaky little teasing tone to my voice as I swung my legs back and forth over the edge of the bed. He abruptly stopped what he was doing and stood to face me.

“Look,” he started as he made his over to the bed. He stood in front of me and placed his large hands on top of mine. “I won’t want to get on that plane if you’re not there tomorrow.”

“Pfft, well then I’m definitely not going.”

“Babe!” he cried, elongating the word as he dropped to his knees in front of me. I could get used to this.

“What, Harold?” I asked with a small giggle.

“You have to go,” he’d whined, his hands gripping mine just a little bit tighter.

“Is that so?”

“Yes.”

“And why’s that?” I asked, my eyebrows raising on my forehead. He silently stared up at me for a few moments, his emerald orbs boring into my chocolate ones. He held his breath before letting out a small puff of air.

“Because I...I want you to be the last person I see before I get on that plane.”

So really, my hands were tied.

“Then I’ll be there,” I murmured as I shot a smile at him. The corners of his lips tugged upward before he gave my hands a light squeeze and moved to start packing again.
I think it was in that moment that I realized I truly meant something to Harry Styles. Yeah, I’d been considering what the girls said while we were shopping and overanalyzing every moment Harry and I shared since then. But it didn’t quite register until that moment.

And that’s when that terrified feeling settled in the pit of my stomach.

The cars arrived at the hotel and we were all ushered out onto the sidewalk. Any time Harry wasn’t dealing with management or the like, he was at my side, his hand tightly clasped around my own. It was cute, really. It was almost as if he was scared I’d disappear if he let go for too long.
As we all tried to get in the cars, I couldn’t help but acknowledge all of the girls waiting outside the hotel, hoping for a glimpse of the boys. I could only imagine what they were thinking upon seeing Harry and I together. In fact, it was almost as though I could feel the angry stares. Multiple cars had been sent to accommodate the amount of people in our party, leaving just Harry, Zayn, and I in our car with the driver and bodyguard. As anticipated, I was wedged in between the two boys in the backseat. I had a sudden dilemma, as I obviously just wanted to curl up with Harry, but I didn’t want to neglect Zayn either. However, this dilemma dissipated in seconds as Zayn was still tired -- at seven in the morning, who knew? -- and made quick work of balling up a sweatshirt to use as a pillow and falling back asleep.

As I admired Zayn’s ability to just fall asleep wherever, I was taken by surprise when Harry’s strong arm wrapped around my shoulders and he pulled me into his side. Not that I was complaining though. Harry’s side was a place I was accustomed to being at by that point. My head nuzzled into his shoulder as he placed a small kiss to my hair. How had I not acknowledged this Harry before? Was I really that stupid?

“I don’t want you to leave,” I muttered as my fingers tangled with his that sat in his lap.

“I’d stay here if I could, love,” he murmured against my hair as his other hand rubbed small circles into my shoulder.

“But you need to go make the Australian girls happy,” I reasoned as I tried to muster a smile. As long as I stayed positive about this, things would be okay.

“But I just want to make you happy.”

“You do make me happy, Harry!” I pulled away from him slightly to look at his face. Although a small smile graced his lips at my most recent comment, his eyes held a sheen to them which made me want to crawl under a rock. His eyes closed briefly as he pulled my face closer to his, and I could’ve sworn he was going to kiss me. But his lips missed just slightly and came to rest on my forehead before I once again was nuzzled back into his shoulder.

Forehead kisses were the bee’s knees, really. They were something I didn’t have the luxury of receiving with Collin. He was never one for the cutesy stuff. He was more of a “you’re hot, let’s fuck” kinda guy. I think that’s another thing that scared me with Harry. I was so used to just being “hot” or “sexy”. Which, yes, is nice to hear every once in a while. But never did Collin call me beautiful. When it came to Harry, though, it seemed it was his favorite adjective.

The next hour and a half blew by far too quickly. We’d arrived at the airport, the boys dealt with checking in and all that good stuff, Management convinced airport security to let us go to the terminal with them, and then Harry and I sat huddled together in the terminal for roughly thirty minutes before the boarding process started.
Niall was the first to enter my arms and we held each other tightly for a few seconds.

“Alright, Horan,” I muttered as we started to pull away. “It’s obvious you two are together, so you can stop pretending you’re just friends around me. And I know you want to kiss her goodbye, so you better. But I’m watching you,” I warned half-jokingly as I pointed to my eyes before pointing to his. He let out a loud laugh before assuring me that I had nothing to worry about and that he would definitely be kissing her goodbye. Next, Liam’s strong arms wrapped me up in a hug and he kept telling me how glad he was to have met myself and Marina and how he couldn’t wait to see us again. Liam was seriously too precious. And I know I’ve said it before, but. C’mon.

“Emersoon!” Louis cried as he pulled me from Liam’s arms and crushed me in a hug.

“Loueh!” I cried back as my arms wrapped around his middle.

“So, you better be good to him,” he murmured into my ear as he held me tightly.

“I wouldn’t dream of being anything but,” I replied as a small smile reached my lips. Just one of the many effects Harry had on me just by entering my thoughts. Louis pulled from the hug and gave me a large grin and a nod before saying he’d miss me tons and passing me along to Zayn.

“I’m pretty fucking glad you went out the back door that day,” Zayn murmured as he held me close. Tears pricked at my eyes at the memory that seemed to have been only a day ago. A laugh escaped my lips as I held him tighter.

“I’m so, so lucky to have met you, Zayn. I love you,” I muttered, my voice cracking slightly as I gripped onto his jacket.

“Shh, don’t cry, babe. I love you, too. And I promise we’ll each other again soon, yeah? Don’t you worry.” We hugged for a bit longer before releasing each other. I wiped away the few stray tears before turning to my right to see a broken looking Harry who looked on the verge of tears. In a matter of seconds, my arms were tightly around his neck as he pulled me flush against his chest.

“Oh, God,” he finally croaked, pressing his face into my shoulder. It wasn’t long before I felt a few hot, wet tears seep into my cardigan.

“Hey, you’re not allowed to cry,” I chuckled weakly as my eyes quickly welled up with tears of my own. If last night didn’t prove anything, this morning certainly did. His body shook slightly as he continued to cry into my shoulder and it broke me to see him like this. After a long minute of holding each other, I pulled back slightly and placed his face in my hands. “What’s gotten into you, Harold?” I asked quietly as my thumbs moved to wipe the tears from his cheeks.

“I just- I’m so scared I’m going to mess this up. And you just- you mean so much to me and I don’t want to mess this up. I can’t mess this up.” His eyes were slightly puffy and I mustered up the best smile I could, as I was still on the verge of tears.

“Harry, you won’t. Look, it’s gonna be okay. We’re gonna be okay. Have a little faith, darling.” He nodded silently in my hands before his lips found the closest part of my hand that they could.

“You’re so wonderful,” he finally murmured before I pulled him back into my arms and pressed my face into his shoulder. “I’m going to miss you so much. I swear, as soon as we’re done in Australia I’m coming right back.” I smiled into his shoulder at how absolutely precious and perfect he was in this moment. Unfortunately, their section was called and Management quickly started trying to usher the boys onto the plane.

“You need to go,” I muttered weakly as I pulled slightly from his grasp. He nodded with a sad smile before pulling me close again and placing a lingering kiss on my cheek.

“I’ll call you as soon as we get to the hotel,” he promised, pulling me into another tight hug.

“Okay. Be safe, alright? I need you in one piece.” A strangled chuckle escaped his lips before he finally pulled out of my arms and turned to gather his things. With teary eyes, I joined the three other girls as we watched the boys board the plane. Right before Harry entered the small tunnel, he turned briefly, casting me one more longing glance. And then he was gone.

--

It was roughly two in the afternoon the following day and I was moping around the apartment. Marina was at work and Danielle and Eleanor had left earlier that morning to head back to England. I was in a bad state. One Direction withdrawal is not a pleasant thing to encounter, that’s for sure. Everything just felt so dull without them around. Plus, let’s be honest, I was missing Harry. Bad. So there I was, sitting in the living room with a tub of Ben & Jerry’s and watching Say Yes to the Dress. Cute, right? Yeah, I thought so, too. Suddenly, I was jolted from my sluggish state as my phone started vibrating from beside me. And there was the name I’d been dying to see. Harold. My finger quickly slid the small bar across the screen to answer the call.

“Hi,” I breathed, so glad that I could hear his voice once again.

“Hello, beautiful,” he replied in a raspy tone, fatigue laced through every syllable.

“How are you? How was the flight?” I asked quickly, desperate to hear him speak again.

“I’m okay, a bit tired. Flight was fine. Boring. I miss you.” My stomach twisted slightly as I set my ice cream aside.

“I miss you, too, Sweetie. Wait, isn’t it like four in the morning over there?” I asked suddenly, only to hear a soft chuckle on his end.

“You looked up the time difference?”

“Of course I did! I wanted to make sure I’d be able to find good times to talk to you,” I explained, suddenly nervous that it was weird of me.

“That’s good to hear. But yeah, it’s about four.”

“Shouldn’t you be sleeping then? I’m sure you’ve got a ton to do tomorrow.”

“I slept a ton on the plane. Plus, I’d rather hear your voice.” He let out a small groan before continuing, “I just want to hold you, Emerson.” A groan escaped my lips as well at his words.

“You’re not allowed to do that,” I muttered, tucking my knees up to my chest.

“Do what?” he asked, sounding slightly worried.

“Say things like that when you’re so far away,” I clarified, a small pout forming on my lips. Another soft chuckle rang through the phone.

“I’m sorry, babe.”

“You don’t have to apologize. I just- miss you. So much that it’s scaring me.” I swallowed the small lump that had made itself a home in my throat as I waited for his reply.

“Why does it scare you?” he finally asked, and I could just see his eyebrows crinkling up on his forehead at my words.

“I haven’t been this close with someone besides Collin. And I just- it’s terrifying to be this vulnerable again,” I tried to explain, though I knew he understood what I meant, seeing as he was more than likely feeling the same things.

“Look, I know what you’re feeling. And we’ll do this together. We’ll work through everything. Baby steps, yeah?”

“Baby steps,” I repeated, a small smile coming to my lips.

“What are you up to?” he asked after a few moments of settling silence.

“Mm, moping,” I muttered honestly before shoving another spoonful of ice cream into my mouth.

“Awh, don’t mope! Go do something fun! Go to the zoo or something with Marina,” Harry suggested cheerily.

“No,” I muttered stubbornly.

“And why not?”

“The zoo is where you held my hand for the first time.” I surprised myself with the small fact and due to Harry’s silence, I was assuming he was surprised as well.

“You remembered,” he finally managed to speak.

“And I won’t soon forget,” I chirped back.

We filled another ten minutes with words of missing each other and excitement for being in Australia, but soon Harry let out a loud sigh.

“Lou’s yelling at me to go to bed. I’m sorry, beautiful,” he muttered.

“No, it’s okay! Lou’s right, you need sleep, Mister.”

“Alright, alright. But promise me you won’t sit in your apartment and mope for much longer?”

“Don’t worry, Amanda’s scheduled me to come in every day for the next week and a half to keep me occupied,” I reassured him, a sinking feeling in my stomach knowing that this was going to end soon.

“Good. I’ll try to text you when I’m up, but we’ve got a ton of press to do tomorrow.”

“Look, just get to me when you can. This is your career, Harry. I can wait.”

“Have I told you that you’re wonderful? Because you’re wonderful. Okay, he’s really getting angry now. I’ll talk to you soon, babe!”

“Sweet dreams, Harold!” I called with a laugh before the call ended.

I tried my hardest to keep the smile on my face, but I only lasted about a minute before the ice cream was back in my hand and my eyes were once again glazed with tears.