Define "Normal" For Me Again. I Seem to Have Forgotten

“And how do you feel about Susan leaving, Tiff?” I snapped out of my daze and looked at Candace.

“Please repeat, I seem to have gotten bored already.”

“I said how do you feel about Susan leaving. Are you upset, angry, happy?”

“Honestly, I don’t give a flying fuck if Little Susie Q is here or not. I can always find someone else to rile up if I need to.” I replied, sitting back in the chair.

“I see.” She wrote something down on her clipboard. “Cass told me that you’re her best friend. Is she yours?”

I snorted. I need a cigarette. “If she knows what’s good for her, she’ll stay the hell away and not let me use her as much as I am.”

“You admit that you harvest no friendly feelings toward her?”

“I wouldn’t say that, but I’m not saying that I absolutely love her either.” Where’s my cigarette?

“What’s your definition of love?”

“No clue. You tell me.”

“Tiffany, I cannot help you if you do not cooperate.”

I shrugged and looked out the window. The sun was blinding me. I wanted to hurt it.

“So, I heard from your brother today. He wants to know why you haven’t called him in a week.

I shrugged. “Didn’t feel like. You know, there’s just so much to do here and not enough time to do it.”

“Tiff.” She said in a warning tone.

“Fine! I honestly don’t want to talk to him, is that so hard to understand?!”

“Tiffany, you do remember why you’re in here, correct.”

“Yea, I don’t see what that has anything to do with me not talking to Matt."

“Tiffany, you killed your own little brother and when your parents confronted you about it, you killed them too. Do you not feel the least bit of remorse?”

I shrugged. “They shouldn’t have yelled at me.”

“Would you do it again, given the opportunity?”

“Maybe. It depends on how I feel, really…and if they piss me off. Can I go smoke now?”

She shook her head at me in disappointment. “and you wonder why you never have visitors. Go. We’re finished for today.”

I got up and headed over to where Ryan was hanging out with some of the other girls. “Hey, Hot Stuff, I wanna smoke.”

He looked at me and smiled. “Did Candace say it’s ok?”

I gasped. “Are you calling me a liar?”

“It wouldn’t be the first.”

“Well, this time I’m not lying. Honest.”

“Ok, let me go get Craig and then we can go.” He replied, standing up and walking over to me.

“Can’t we go alone just for once?” I asked, pushing myself up on him.

“Tiff, you know the rules.” He said, pushing me off.

I just pushed myself against him again. “Aweh, screw the rules. You’re such a goody-two-shoes.”

He pushed me off again. “Tiff, I actually like this job and I don’t want to get fired or moved to a different ward.”

He signaled Craig over. They put me in safety cuffs and led me out the door. “Do you love it because of me?” I asked Ryan, not caring that Craig was there.

“I love it because of all of you girls, you know that.” He said, allowing Craig to go down the stairs first.

“No, but you’re here for me mostly.”

He laughed lightly with Craig. “You crack me up, Tiff.” Why are they laughing?

They cuffed me to metal railing and lit my cigarette before handing it to me. I thanked them as they lit their own cigarettes. I quickly grew bored of their idle chatter and let my mind wander.

No one understands me. No one understands that I don’t know what guilt is, let alone what it feels like. I remember when I was in Kindergarten and I stole Johnny’s crayon. The little fucker actually cried! It was pathetic! But I loved the power he had given. When confronted with the teacher, I told her that I took his crayon because I wanted to see him cry…this led me to getting whacked (it was a Catholic school) and sent to time-out. I didn’t care. I wanted to see him cry again. It was funny.

There have been several other instances like that. Most of which involved Matt’s friends or random people that just happen to catch my eye. I’ve been in this stupid nut-house since I was fourteen- that stupid kid should have just shut up when I told him to! It’s technically not my fault that he ended up in the pool. I mean, seriously, who leaves a toddler out on the patio alone? Stupid adults. “Tiff, will you watch him for me?” Yea, I’ll watch him…watch him slip into the pool. That was fun. Then the ‘rents had a conniption fit and started yelling at me. They should have known that I had anger issues. And it also wasn’t my fault that the hand gun found its way into my hand. It was their fault. They just didn’t “get me.” In fact, now that I think about it, it wasn’t my fault that I was in here. It was that stupid lawyer who wanted me to plead insanity, and then Matt’s the one that signed the papers. I wouldn’t have minded jail- that’s where all the cool, tough people are.

I threw my cigarette butt down and ground it out in the dirt. I let Craig and Ryan un-cuff me from the metal bar, only to re-cuff me to myself. I smirked as both of them grabbed an arm and led me up to the Ward and into my room for lights out. Ryan didn’t even notice my hand slip into his pocket to grab his keys.