I Missed You

I'd been sat here for a long time. I'm not sure how long, it was awhile I knew of that from the change of day to night.

I know it was about 5 when I set off out of my small flat. I never usually look at the time, it always seems to go so slow if I do. Seconds seemed to pass like minutes, minutes would pass like hours, hours would pass like days and so on. Even when I would watch my clock it would still be the same. People say if you watch your clock, the minutes go by slower. I never saw the difference.

I left my curtains closed even though it was light outside still. I knew I wouldn't be coming back 'til late and closing them is better than keeping them open when it's dark.

I lived on the 5th floor, but I was still paranoid people would notice my curtains open and would risk me not being home.

I didn't pass anyone on my way out to the car. It was always quiet and only on odd occasions would I bump into a creepy older man in the elevator. One who was probably living on his own, watching me and other younger residents from afar and then going back into his place and getting himself off to the thought. It wouldn't surprise me.

I got in my car and began driving, I knew exactly where I was going. It wasn't too far from me, but I wanted to take the long route. I didn't particularly want to be there when people would be walking by, it would only make me think more. Couples would be the main type of people to walk by the certain area, only making my mood worse. I liked where it was though, the view day was okay but the view at night was what I loved especially.

I didn't think much of the radio until I got onto the back roads where it was clear, quiet. Just me, the radio and my thoughts. I didn't want to be with my thoughts right now so I was forced to pay attention to the radio. The DJ with his annoying, thick typical London accent was talking, saying something about the next song. I didn't recognise anything he was saying about the song and figured I wouldn't even know the song. I looked at the station and it was one I didn't recognise, I don't remember changing it to that. I figured I would have just changed it quickly or kept it on because a song I liked was on.

After the DJ had finished talking about the song, he finally played it. The first second of hearing the song my heart skipped a beat, my stomach sank and I almost slammed all on the breaks. I changed it over as quick as possible, just before the first few lyrics were sang. Once it was off I ended up parking to the side any way. My hands on my lap, eyes forward looking at the nothingness of the long empty road that were soon blurred from the tears rimming my eyelids. That just brought back memories of what I was running from.

I sat in my car and cried for a good 20 minutes. I would have cried longer but I had nothing else left in me. The tears had actually stopped falling no matter how hard I tried. There was nothing left in me. Instead, I just sat in my car, the face I usually have as though I was crying, my eyes likely to be bloodshot, my tears glossy and tear stained, my hands still in my lap, my whole body noticeably shaking. I hadn't cried like that in years.

Taking a deep breath I calmed down. Rubbed under my eyes of the tears and my cheeks of the dried ones that made me feel disgusting. I was glad I didn't put make up on for this outing. I began driving again, concentrating on the radio again. It was a charts station so I knew I wouldn't have a chance of listening to anything that would spark up the same memories.

5 minutes later in reality, 20 in my mind I had arrived at the area. I didn't get out straight away, I sat in my car for awhile. I didn't feel like moving but I didn't want to sit in my car the whole time, I'd look even more like a creep than I already would if I got out of the car. I actually began a debate with myself, whether I get out of the car and enjoy my favourite spot and put up with the happy couples, happy singles and generally happy people, or sit in my car and put up with happy couples, happy singles and generally happy people.

I forced myself out, I didn't want to look like a creep who sits in their car for hours on end. The fresh air would do me good. I got out and stretched my legs. It hurt from being sat how I was so long, my legs were almost as stiff as cardboard. I locked my car and walked along the path. I didn't want to walk over the grass and take a short cut. The grass looked almost perfect, the kind of grass you would see in some American film. Bright green and short, not even freshly cut. I didn't want to ruin it.

I always had a specific spot where I would sit, it was always the best place to sit for the best view. Not too far but not too close to the bridge. I could always tell which one it was for the carving in the pavement. '10 minutes to town.' In big, bold white lettering. It was written underneath a pathetic, simple drawing of a stick man walking. From that specific drawing were some short steps that lead down the small hill. I walked down them slowly and at the bottom on the left was the bench I always sat at. This time it wasn't filled with people.

Sometimes if people were sat on the bench I could almost claim as my own I would instead sit on the front, on the edge, on the floor. My feet dangling just enjoying the view until they go, then I'd take my place back on the bench, much more comfortable and less dangerous than the edge.

I took my place on the bench, the familiar feeling of the wood pressing against me almost made me smile in a weird way, only on the inside.

Day turned into night and the amount of people who wandered past had decreased dramatically as time went past, soon enough no one was around. Leaving me alone to watch the scenery. It was always the most beautiful on a night. It was the perfect view of the city, just gazing at all the lights across the water shine brightly against the dark night sky. The skies were clear tonight, the moon in perfect view and it reflected off the water. It was perfect.

I clutched my phone in my pocket to keep it safe. I wasn't expecting it to tell me I've received something, anything. No texts, no calls. I'd turned it off on purpose. I knew if I went silent for a few hours and didn't try and bug people someone would call me, even if it was my mum. I didn't want to talk to anyone, I just wanted to be alone in a nice place for now.

I was mostly here because I'm upset about being alone. Sure I had friends, one or two that I knew cared. Problem was, they never often showed me they cared. The only time they told me they cared and I believed them was when things got serious, suicide was an idea. I figured with not many people caring, no one would miss me. I was content with that. I'd put up with being alone for as long as I can remember, I just don't ever feel like being alone in my flat. Being here alone was okay, it was a beautiful view I never wanted to end.

My legs began stiffening up again and it was noticeable. I would outstretch them from my seat and it wouldn't make much of a difference, the wood was beginning to take an effect on my spine. Usually this wouldn't happen, I'd be able to happily sit where I was with no problems. Tonight was different.

I got up, stretched quickly and looked over at the grass. It looked so much more inviting than the concrete. I felt I should go against myself, it was only one small piece of grass. Wouldn't do any harm. It was right next to the bench too so it wouldn't make a difference on the view.

I sat down and surprisingly enough it was dry. In England grass is never usually dry even in summer. I wasn't complaining, I wouldn't have wet jeans all the way home. I let my legs stretch out carelessly and my hands sit in between the small space, playing with the short grass in between my fingers and just staring at the view.

I heard movement on the grass behind me but didn't have a second thought about it. I knew who it was. I knew full well it wasn't someone who was going to rob me or kill me, even if it was, I wouldn't mind. Death was still an option in my eyes. Instead, the person just sat behind me, his legs outstretched like my own beside me making it so I was in between their legs, their arms wrapped around my wait and resting on my stomach holding each other and his chin on my shoulder.

The position they sat in confirmed it was them. No one else I knew would do that without a word. They was the last person I wanted to see right now, they were partly the cause of the emotional pain I was going through, yet I leaned back into them rather than moved away.

“It's beautiful, isn't it?” I whispered, not moving my gaze from the bright lights. He hummed in my ear to tell me he agreed with my comment.

I moved my hands from between my legs and laid them on top of his own, just rubbing my thumb across the top of one of his hands.

“I knew you'd be here,” he whispered lightly in my ear. I didn't know how to respond, I just made some sort of small huff to show him I heard. “With your phone being off, I knew you would.”

“I didn't want to talk to anyone,” I admitted just above a whisper.

“What's on your mind?”

I sighed long and hard, not answering straight away. He didn't pester me about it though. I didn't know properly what was on my mind myself.

“You,” I said quietly. I wasn't sure he heard me at first and was about to repeat myself until he replied.

“I'm sorry.”

I didn't know what he was saying sorry for, but I didn't feel like having a debate about it. I just nodded slightly and enjoyed his company as much as I didn't want to.

“I love you, Josh.” I whispered half expecting a reply. I wanted to chance it.

“Come on, you need to get home, it's late.” He said and moved from behind me.

I was automatically filled with disappointment at his reply and movement. Tears filled the rims of my eyes just as quickly as before but this time I didn't let them fall. I didn't want him to see I was more upset than he thought. I blinked them away, got up and followed him to the side of the road.

“You'll be okay going home on your own, right?” He asked as we stood underneath the street light. I looked up at him as he looked back down at me. There was a good foot height difference between us. I took in all of his features whilst I could in that moment as he waited for a reply. His big, gorgeous light blue eyes were evidently filled with worry and guilt. His brown hair messily styled and his stubble almost looking out of control.

“I think so,” I whispered eventually in reply to his question.

He pursed his lips, not too convinced with my reply.

“Do you want to stay at mine for the night?”

I blinked at his question, shocked he would ask that with me saying I wanted to be alone earlier. Although, inside, I was jumping for joy.

“Uh, okay, if you don't mind.” I said and he smiled.

“I don't, come on.”

He took my small hand in his own large one, especially compared to mine, and lead me to his car just further down the road. I got in the passenger seat whilst he took his place in the drivers and didn't waste time setting off to his.

The car journey was quiet, neither of us saying anything. I was still a little shocked I was going back to my ex boyfriends house for the night. The one person I was upset about mostly and I was staying at his for the night.

He lived in a flat on his own on the opposite side to me so it took longer to get back to his than it would have mine.

The whole time from his car to his flat we were silent until he broke our record long silence whilst being together.

“You can sleep in the guest bedroom tonight,” he told me. I already presumed I would be.

I'd stayed over at his so much it was almost like my second home, even after we split up it still feels like my second home.

“It's late so I'm going to sleep, you know you can make yourself at home, night.” He briefly explained, kissed my cheek softly and went in his bedroom without another word.

I sighed softly and figured I might as well go to bed myself. I already knew where the guest bedroom was, right next to his room. I opened the wooden door, turned on the light and closed the door behind me. It hadn't changed since the last time I saw it. Nothing seemed to have.

I undressed, turned the light off and got underneath the covers. Once I was in bed, I was wide awake. I had no chance of sleep. I had nothing to distract me. Just me and my thoughts. The thoughts that made me cry again.

I let it all out, crying heavily once again at the situation I was in. Shaking violently in the bed, my sobs echoing the room. It was almost no surprise that there was a small knock on my door not long after I had begun crying because I lost control of how loud my sobs were.

I immediately stopped myself, wiped my eyes and cheeks, took another deep breath and with a croaky, broken voice told him to come in. He did so as soon as I said it and stood in the doorway looking at me with the same sympathetic look as earlier.

“You okay?”

It was a stupid question to ask someone you had just heard crying next door, but I didn't take note. I just shook my head and watched as he closed the door behind him and climbed into bed with me, pulling me into a cuddle.

I cried again, this time on his bare chest. I let it all out and soon enough there were no more tears again. I just laid there, softly whimpering against his chest as he stoked my hair and my back, kissing my head every so often.

“I missed you,” I whispered, expecting even less of a reply this time but was pleasantly surprised.

“I missed you too.”