Status: slow updates. but i promise I'm workin. i love you guys.

My Baby, My Darling.

Fidget.

"Stop it."

My eyes snapped up to meet Nicole's expecting gaze. Her dark make-up made her look five years older than she actually was, and it surprised me. She was an entirely different person, a huge contrast to the thirteen-year-old I had befriended years ago.

"Stop what?" I scoffed, taking a long sip of my drink. The alcohol burned against my throat and I winced out of reflex.

She gestured toward my face, her manicured fingers wagging in front of me. "That broody pout you've been sporting since we left the house. It's kind of hard to party like a rock star when you're playing Debbie Downer like you do."

I suppose that she took my silence as a sign of confusion because she continued to explain, her green eyes flittering past me towards the bar before returning to my face.

"Look around. You are in New York, you are at a club, I spent god knows how long just to make you look smoking hot and you are ruining it with your usual broody pout. Anyone can tell that you look like the most unhappy camper here."

I shrugged, pushing a few strands of hair out of my face, an absentminded gesture Dexter casually pointed out to me whenever I did it. He called it my fidget, something I always do to stall time and think of what to say next. I'd never noticed it, but at that moment I was fully aware of what he meant.

"I don't know what you're expecting me to do."

"Oh, come on! We go to these things all the time back at home." She rolled her eyes, shoving me lightly in a strange attempt to get me to loosen up. "You've hardly said anything all day. I mean less than usual. Should I be worried?"

I know she didn't mean it literally, but more as a joke. I watched her eyes flicker past me, towards the bar again and I watched her eyes glimmer slightly before turning back to meet my expressionless gaze.

"I'm just not feeling it, I guess." I said, pulling at the hem of my black dress before taking another sip of my drink. The burning sensation beginning to become less noticeable. "I'm fine, Niks, really."

"I think I know what's going on." She flashed me a knowing smile, raising an eyebrow suggestively. "This whole pouty thing you've got going on, is it because Dexter couldn't make it and-"

"Nope." I spoke quickly, already knowing where she was heading. I realized my voice had raised slightly and I wasn't sure if it was because the music was beginning to fade or my anxiety had suddenly spiked.

I automatically regretted the quick response and cringed internally, watching as her expression contorted into one of surprise and quickly shifting to concern. Her eyes searched my face the way she always did when she got wind that something was off.

She opened her mouth to say something but was quickly interrupted by the sight of Gabe as he slid into the booth beside us, cradling beers in both hands. That explained why she kept looking at the bar, Gabe was probably acting stupid for her from across the room, trying to get her to laugh.

"Annie said that Travie-boy goes on in 20 minutes," Gabe yelled over the music as he handed a beer to Nicole. Her gaze finally shifted away from me to send him a smile and a murmured thank you.

Nicole checked her watch and scanned the crowd, "Where is Annie and Marc?"

"Annie said she had to go backstage to handle a few business obligations and Marc ran into a few friends at the bar, that social butterfly." Gabe smirked, wrapping an arm around Nicole and taking a swig of his beer.

I watched the exchange as Nicole snuggled comfortably into Gabe's torso, taking a swig of her own beer. The drink in my hand suddenly became heavy and I quickly tossed back its last remnants, the burn of its contents sliding down my throat.

"I'm gonna go get another drink." I muttered, standing up from the booth and sending them a small smile before walking away.

Nicole's eyes burnt holes into my back as they followed me to the bar. Before settling into one of the bar stools, I glanced back toward the booth and watched as she spoke intently into Gabe's ear, her eyes shifting to me and back to him. Concern flashed across his own face as he dipped low to whisper something into her ear and she nodded, her eyes widening in surprise. She knew something was wrong, and now so did Gabe.

"What can I get you, beautiful?"

My gaze shifted to the man behind the wooden counter as he leaned forward, his face merely inches from my own. I easily detected the spice of his cologne and noticed without much strain the tightness of his black shirt against his obviously flexed muscles. I could only estimate that he spent more time on his appearance tonight than I had for my own prom night.

I narrowed my eyes, noticing that his gaze was not meeting my face, but rather raking up and down my body discreetly before finally meeting my eyes with a hint of a smile. His pupils dilated slightly, an observation I learned from Dexter. I remember him explaining that it was a direct indication of arousal. I breathed slowly, reminding myself not to get irritated and snap at an innocent bartender because this is definitely the last thing I needed right now, fighting off a horny bartender.

I inhaled a deep breath before shifting in my seat so that I was facing away from him. "Rum and coke."

He nodded sharply, running a hand through his golden hair and flashing a smile before proceeding to pour my drink. "First time in New York?"

"Some sort of conversation starter?" I spoke monotonously, my eyes quickly meeting his before shifting towards the stage, where Travis and the rest of the hand were now setting up. The DJ in the corner of the club had begun to blast music, the beat of its bass making it difficult to continue any conversation, but that didn't stop Bartender Boy.

"Hey. Bartenders need to be charming, that's how we get tips." He joked over the music, a surprised chuckle emanating from his lips as his gaze dropped down to my legs once again.

"I guess there are quite a few definitions of charm," I scoffed, raising my eyebrows and shaking my head slowly in both disbelief and irritation.

He tilted his head slightly, a grin making its way onto his lips. "Enlighten me."

"It's not my first time." I managed, silently praying that he wouldn't push the conversation any further. My prayers weren't answered.

"So when did you lose your New York virginity then?" He raised his eyebrows, abandoning my half-made drink entirely before leaning forward and feigning intrigue, asking for more explanation. This prick thinks he's clever. His word choice not helping the situation at all, only adding to my growing irritation.

"I scouted a few art schools in the area last year," I spoke quickly, tapping my fingers on the counter impatiently. I wanted nothing more than to get away from this asshole as fast as possible.

He smiled, placing a small straw into my drink and stirring slowly, keeping it on his side of the counter. "You're an art student? You know, I do a bit of photography in my free time."

"Congratulations..." My eyes traveled to the name tag located on his right shirt pocket, "Jimmy."

He nodded confidently, taking my sarcastic comment to heart. "Yeah, it's really all about the lighting, you know?"

I held back a smirk, trying hard not to mock him as he proceeded to list all the platonic elements of photography as if he were a big shot artist. He even mentioned Mozart as some of his favorite works, nevermind the fact that he's a composer and not a photographer.

"I was thinking maybe I could photograph you sometime. Under the right lighting and angle, I think we could make some real magic." He winked, his eyes darting to my chest and back up to my face.

I pulled my lips into a tight line, holding back the strain of vulgar insults threatening to escape past my lips. I quickly placed ten dollars onto the counter before slipping off of the bar stool in disgust, snatching my drink from behind the counter in the process. As I turned to make my way back to the booth, he called out to me again.

"I didn't get your name, beautiful."

I rolled my eyes and spun around quickly, sending him daggers with my eyes. His disgusting smirk smiled back at me as if asking for a swift slap to the face.

"I mean, it doesn't seem fair that you know my name and I have no name to place with those long, sexy legs of yours. Not to mention that fine ass." His gaze scanned my body again before sending me an arrogant wink.

The fucking nerve, I thought to myself as I clenched my jaw and fought to keep my composure. I couldn't take it anymore. As I opened my mouth to recite every insult I had ever heard in my life, my attempt was suddenly disrupted when Travis swiftly brushed past me toward the bar. The back of his head all I could focus on as he stomped up to Jimmy the perv behind his wooden counter, only to clock him square in the face, the harsh sound of shattering glass evident as he fell backwards onto the litter of shot glasses and glass bottles behind him. Panic and shock erupted in the bar area as all its drunken patrons took a few steps back and let out a series of surprised gasps and absurdities.

I stood there stunned, not realizing that I had dropped my drink on the floor until Travis bent over and picked up the empty glass, slightly cracked from the impact as he placed it onto the wooden counter.

Travis shook my shoulders, pulling me back to reality. I didn't realize that the music was still blasting. The music did not stop, the world did not stop, my breathing did not stop, it was all in my head. I looked around and a few of the other bartenders were hovering over Jimmy the perv and his now bloody nose.

"Are you okay?" Travis's eyes bore into my own, his gaze unrelenting. Impatience was detected in his voice and I assumed that wasn't the first time he had asked me if I was okay, that he had shook me numerous times. His jaw was clenched and his voice was deeper and more angry than I had ever heard it. He was shaking, and I couldn't for the life of me understand why.

"What just happened?" My voice sounded small, a huge contrast to how it sounded to me a few minutes ago.

His eyes were wide and he was shaking his head slowly, as if realization dawned onto him as to what he just did. With his jaw still snapped shut, he took his hands off of my shoulders and backed away slowly. I looked down at his fists and watched as they opened and closed as if by a rhythm.

Gabe and Nicole pushed their way to the front of the crowd and confused looks crossed their faces as they took in the scene. Suddenly Annie was behind me and I looked past Travis to see Marc watching the scene from the other side of the newly formed crowd.

"Dude..." Gabe said, quickly shuffling to stand besideTravis, a questioning look on his face as he spun around to glance at Jimmy the perv leaning back against the counter with his bloody nose.

Travis took a few steps away from me, gripping the top of his head. "I've... -I've gotta get out of here."

"Alright, man." Gabe nodded, still confused as his gaze again traveled to Jimmy writhing on the counter and wincing as one of the bartenders applied a wet towel to absorb the blood. "Give me a second, I'll come with you."

"Nah," Travis continued to walk backwards, frustration and confusion evident on his face. "I'll catch up with you guys later. I need to go."

I watched him push his way past the crowd, some of whom had abandoned the scene entirely and continued to sway along to the bass of the music.

"Wait, Trav!" Gabe called out to him, following him into the crowd.

"What happened?" Annie was suddenly beside me, a concerned look on her face.

I shook my head slowly, not knowing how to answer the question myself. "I-I have to go." And without fully realizing it, I was weaving through the crowd of drunken strangers and stumbling out the back exit of the club.

It was cold, the cold air smacking me in the face as my heels made contact with the cemented road of the back alley. I faintly detected Gabe's voice around the corner, just before the front entrance of the club.

As I rounded the corner I could see them arguing, Travis leaning against the brick wall and smoking a cigarette as Gabe began to raise his voice so that it was in hushed tone but harsh enough to convey anger.

"Hey!" I quickly shuffled toward them, rubbing the arms of my leather jacket to create friction against the harsh, New York chill.

As I neared them, Gabe shifted slightly to make room and proceeded to run a hand over his face, something Dexter pointed out to me as Gabe's fidget. He observed that Gabe only did it when he was uncomfortable. I rarely ever saw it, and I realized the rarity was due to the fact that Gabe was never uncomfortable. I wondered why he was doing it now, what made him fidget.

"What was that? What happened back there?" My gaze shifted from Gabe to Travis, who both discreetly avoided eye contact. My eyes landed on Travis and I watched as he took a long drag of his cigarette, expertly tapping away its ashes and watching as the fiery particles drifted to the cement below.

Gabe cleared his throat from beside me, running a hand over his face again. "I'm gonna go back inside. Nicole's probably waiting for me to tell her what's going on."

He began walking backwards, sending Travis a serious expression before plastering a grin onto his face and making his way back towards the entrance.

My eyes snapped back to Travis, who was now looking past me at the cars passing, running over the potholes left behind by previous East coast showers.

And there was no sound, all except for the sound of tire making contact with wet pavement and the muffled cheers of the drunk inside the club as Travis's opening band made their way on stage. I watched his face, searching for any hint of panic or nerves that he wasn't on stage where he belonged at that moment in time. Nothing. He was just as impassive as always, taking yet another drag of his cigarette and blowing the smoke in the opposite direction of where I was standing, still considerate of second-hand smoke despite his aversion to eye contact.

"Are you going to tell me what happened back there?" My voice was impatient, irritated. He was unphased by the broken silence.

He shrugged, looking past me. "That guy was an ass."

"So, of course, you deck him in the face." I nodded, sarcasm evident in my tone.

He shrugged, still not meeting my eyes.

"Dammit, Trav. Are you going to talk to me or am I just wasting my time out here getting frostbite?" I looked down at my numb fingers as if to show him evidence. I was suddenly aware of my foggy breath, making it look as if Travis wasn't the only one smoking out here.

"I don't know what you want me to say." His tired voice sounded uninterested, bored.

I let out a laugh, shaking my head slowly in frustration. "Can we try the truth?"

He brought the remaining stub of his cigarette up to his lips and took a long drag before dropping it to the ground and dragging his foot over the ashes. I watched him reach into his pocket and pull another cigarette out of his Marbolo box, holding it between his lips before holding up his lighter and cupping the flame with his hands to light the new stick. It wasn't until he took his first drag and shook his head slowly, still refraining from eye contact; that was the precise moment that I broke.

"You don't care, do you?" I snapped, my voice breaking the eerie silence that stood between the two of us. "That's the thing about you, Trav. You don't care about anything. You don't care that you just decked a guy in the face. You don't care that the death stick dangling in between your teeth right now is the leading cause of lethal lung conditions in this world. You don't care about that fucking impassive voice of yours. You don't care that right there, in that club is your big break and you're standing out here wasting it. You don't care that we all came out here, I came out here for you, to see you play. You don't care that I'm standing in front of you right now asking for an answer to a simple question. You just don't fucking care!"

The last of my rant echoed in the distance and an eerie silence settled between us once again. I scanned his face for any emotion, any indication as to what was running through his mind, but he merely pulled the cigarette put of his mouth and dropped it to the ground, stomping out the embers. He blew smoke into the air above his head, his eyes finally meeting my own as his head dropped back down to my level. He raised his eyebrows silently asking if I was satisfied, as if putting out his cigarette solved every problem in the world.

I shook my head, slowly backing away from him in frustration. "I'll see you later, Travis."

I stuffed my hands into the pockets of my leather jacket, listening to the click of my heels as I made my way to the heavy door entrance of the club.

"I care about you."

I stopped in my tracks, the click of my heels coming to a halt as his last words hung in the air around me.

"You said that I don't care about anything." He continued, his voice suddenly tinted with sincerity, "I care about you. I care about you because I like you. I have feelings for you."

I spun around to face him, tears welling up in my eyes. His words stung. The feeling wouldn't make sense to anyone else if I had told them, the fact that someone telling you about their feelings for you would sting. But it did, more than a slap to the face or the excruciating pain of a fresh, untreated burn. I couldn't deal with this, and I large part of me spent that next moment wishing that those words had never left his mouth. That he didn't feel this way, that I didn't know.

He stood there, his brows furrowed to express how serious he was, that his feelings about me were real, as real as the ground I stood on. He looked at me as if it pained him to say it, that my next action would either make or break him. I couldn't make that decision, I couldn't face it, I couldn't face him.

"I've known for a while now," he spoke calmly, soothingly. "But I couldn't make a move, I couldn't tell you about it. You know why. So I tried to push it away, distract myself, date someone else. Believe me, I tried. You were always there, and my feelings for you have become the realest emotions I've felt in along time..."

I tried to shake my head, tell him to stop talking, anything to keep him from going any further.

"I'm sorry." He started walking toward me, "For laying it on you like this. But you had to have known, I mean, I'm pretty sure a part of you knew. I wanted to wait until everything died down, until-"

"Travis." I closed my eyes, causing the welling tears to stream down my cheeks, causing even the slightest bit of warmth to touch my numbing face. "I can't-"

I sniffed, using the sleeves of my jacket to wipe away the tears as my eyes opened to look at him. He stood a few feet away from me, his eyes boring into my own with a look I had never seen on him, the most vulnerable I had ever seen him. And now I was the one wanting to avoid eye contact.

I licked over my lips, using my numb fingers to wipe away my slowly freezing tears. "I just, I can't. I'm so sorry."

I couldn't look at him. I couldn't face the hurt in his eyes, know that I was the reason. With eyes closed, I spun around and tried to hold back the tears streaming down my face regardless of my thwarted efforts. I was no longer aware of my numbing fingers or my chilled toes. The clicks of my heels against the pavement sounded distant, like they weren't my own. I was only aware of the distance I created with every step away from him. But I wasn't just putting distance away from Travis, but everything. Every source of pain, every weight pulling me down for the past month, all the anxiety and stress left behind with every step. And when I approached the entrance of the club, I kept walking, pushing further into the depths of New York City with numbing fingers and a tear-stained face.
♠ ♠ ♠
I'm sorry. Writer's block, school, my usual excuses. Extra long and saucy chapter to make up for it? Y'all can kill me if you please. I'm already dead from all my school work.

@lindsaytheperson I miss this, too. Thank you for reminding me why I do this. I dedicate this chapter to you!

Let me know how you feel about this. It's a leap, I know. I guarantee you guys will fall in love with the next chapter. Or your money back :)