My Baby, My Darling.

Gabe called and asked me to meet him at this apartment. I hadn’t talked to him since he left New York along with everyone else. I needed to be around people. I knew that if I went back to my apartment, I’d just spend my time sulking. That was my strategy lately, to surround myself with people to cope with the absence of others. I can’t say his name.

Travis answered the door when I got there. He was always there, at Gabe’s house. I mean. He smiled when he opened the door and I remembered the events in New York. I pushed them aside when he pulled me into a hug. It was weird, but I know that if I kept dwelling on the fact that he has feelings for me, it would be even weirder.

“It’s good to see you,” He said when we pulled away. He closed the door behind me and followed me into the living room.

“You too.” I said, meaning it. It was nice to see him smiling. I realize that it was very rare that he was actually smiling, or that I caught it. He didn’t ever smile around strangers. He usually looked tired. So it was weird that the first thing I saw when I walked through the door was his smile. “Where’s Gabe?”

“He and Nicole went off to the store.” He said, taking a seat on the couch and grabbing his guitar. “They asked me to stay here and open the door for you when you got here.”

I nodded, watching as he started to lightly strum chords on his guitar. “It’s nice to see you playing again.”

His fingers continued to strum when he looked up at me. “Yeah. It’s nice to be playing. I missed it.”

I listened to the chords he was playing. “What is that? I’ve never heard it.”

He stopped playing and cleared his throat. “It’s something new. I wrote it.”

“Can I hear it?” The words left my mouth before I had time to think about it. If he wanted me to hear it, he wouldn’t have stopped playing. He sat there as if really debating whether or not he wanted me to hear it. “You don’t have to play it. Sorry, I don’t know why I asked.”

“No, it’s fine.” He said, meeting my eyes. He gestured for me to sit down beside him and I complied, sitting so that I was leaning against the arm rest and facing him. I’ve heard him play before, but not just him and his guitar. I went to a few of the band’s gigs in high school and they were good. I’d just never heard Travis play by himself, I don’t know why.

“It’s probably not that good.” He smiled.

I shook my head, “Most things aren’t. That’s okay.”

He laughed at my not so encouraging words and proceeded to strum. He looked up at me one more time and nodded, finally starting to strum the first official chords. It sounded good, really good. Acoustic guitars have a sort of intimate sound to it. It’s soothing. I listened for a few moments and when Travis’s voice accompanied the sound, my eyes snapped up to look at him. I didn’t know he was going to sing. I didn’t know he could sing.
I listened intently to the lyrics, paying attention to every stressed sound and the way his pitch raised slightly at some words as opposed to others. He was good. Maybe it was just the shock of hearing his voice for the first time, and I mean really hearing his voice.

“There's a pub on the south side of town
Time stands still while there’s still wine around
She's the one you left out of the cold
The one whose always and never alone
Did she let him go or did the four winds blow him away?
Does she even know she's the girl with the red balloon?
Keep her glass full of cheap Champagne
She will tell of the man with no name
Smoke and mirrors have done her in
She's in love and she won't be again
Did she let him go or did the four winds blow him away?
Does she even know she's the girl with the red balloon?
So lovely
So lonely
Floating away
Did she let him go or did the four winds blow him away?
Oh, does she even know?
Did she let him go, did the four winds blow him away?
Ooh, does she even know she's the girl,
She's the girl with the red balloon?”

It was quiet when he strummed the last chord. I was stunned into silence. It was a beautiful song. I didn’t know how to tell him that. I watched him move the guitar from his lap. I realized that I was now sitting right next to him. I must have moved while he was playing. I watched him stroke the stubble on his chin and lean back.

“It’s about you.” He said and it didn’t surprise me. My eyes moved to meet his and he smiled. I don’t know why, but I felt the need to smile back. It was a beautiful song, and the fact that he wrote it about me was a really nice gesture. I’m just not sure how I felt about it or what it meant. I watched him watch me, waiting for my reaction.

I wanted to tell him that it was a beautiful song, that his voice was beautiful, that the gesture itself was beautiful. But I said nothing. When I finally allowed myself to open my mouth to speak, Gabe came bursting through the door.

“Let’s get this shitshow started!” His voice boomed and I moved to my feet, leaving Travis sitting on the couch. I could feel his eyes on me as Gabe dropped the case of beer in his hand and pulled me into a hug.

“I feel like it’s been forever since I’ve seen you, cuz.” He smiled when he pulled away. “Did Marc get onto his flight okay? I said goodbye while you were at class this morning and he was pretty bummed about leaving.”
I nodded, “Yeah, he got on alright.”

“That’s good to hear.” He said, his eyes moving past me. “Trav, can you come help me with the cooler? We’re having a few people over tonight.”

Travis came up behind me and grabbed one of the cases from Gabe. My eyes scanned the empty door frame as they moved to the kitchen.

“Gabe, where’s Nikki?” I said.

He popped his head out of the kitchen. “She’s in the hallway talking on the phone. I think it’s her mom.”

I nodded and walked out of the apartment, leaving the door open behind me. I spotted Nicole beside the stairwell and made my way over to her. Sure enough, she was on the phone. Only it didn’t look like she was talking to her mother. Her tone was harsh and she was whispering, as if she didn’t want anyone to overhear her conversation.

“I already warned you not to say anything.” She snapped. “If anyone finds out, I swear to God…”

She clucked her tongue in disapproval. “You know the arrangement. It didn’t mean anything and you know that. If I find out you told anyone…”

After a few moments, she did a sharp intake of breath. “It better stay that way. No one can find out about this.” She angrily ended the call and groaned, slamming her hand against the wall in frustration. I narrowed my eyes and slowly approached her.

“Nik.” I said, eyeing the phone in her hand. Her eyes snapped to meet mine and she moved to run her fingers through her hair before turning to face me, a smile plastered onto her face.

“Hey, Chels.” She pulled me into a hug. “How was your Christmas?”

I nodded, eyeing her warily as she pulled away. “It was good. Who was on the phone?”

She shook her head, waving me off. “It was just my mom.”

I narrowed my eyes and the smile slowly faded from her lips. She knew that I knew she was lying. “Seriously.”

“It was my mom, seriously.” She blinked.

“Bullshit.” I shook my head and she pouted.

“Alright. It wasn’t my mom.”

“Who was it?”

“You have to promise that you won’t get mad.”

“I can’t promise that. It depends what it is.”

“At least promise you won’t tell Gabe.”

“Oh, my God.” I closed my eyes. She didn’t. “Are you fucking serious right now?”

“It was an accident.” She pleaded, grabbing my arm as I slowly backed away from her. “I was pissed at Gabe because he didn’t want to have dinner with my parents while they were in town. Instead he went to some stupid concert with Travis. I was pissed off and drunk and Daryl was in town.”

“I fucking warned you, Nik How could you…oh, my god.”

“Please don’t tell him.” She begged, her grip on my arm increasing in urgency. “I really do love him. And I don’t want to lose him. I did something fucked up, I know.”

“That wasn’t just fucked up. This is going to kill him.” I said, my brows furrowing in frustration. I don’t want to know this. I don’t want to talk to Nicole about this. I wish I didn’t press her to tell me. I feel like I’m going to explode.

“Promise me that you won’t tell him.” Tears were forming in the corner of her eyes. “You’re my best friend.”

“And you just screwed over my family.” I hissed. I have no idea who she is anymore.

“It didn’t mean anything.” She cried, shaking her head. “It was one time and I was drunk. It didn’t mean anything. I love Gabe. Promise me you won’t tell him.”

I shook my head. “I’m not going to tell him.”

Her eyes widened. She didn’t make an effort to stop the tears from streaming down her face. “You won’t?”

“No.” I said and her arms moved to wrap around my shoulders, pulling me into a hug.

“Thank you so much, Chels. I knew that I could trust you.”

I pulled her arms off of me and she knitted her eyebrows in confusion. “You are going to be the one to tell him. You tell him by the end of this week or I will.” My tone was cold and her expression made it look like I had just slapped her in the face. I backed away from her and she stood frozen, my words reactivating her train of thought. She had no intention of telling him what she did, and that made the whole situation so much worse. She asked me to lie for her, like I always did for the guys she was dating. I lied for her throughout our entire friendship. And now she was asking me to lie to the only guy that had stuck by me through everything. I didn’t like what she did to guys, I never did. She could have any guy she wanted and she knew it. She took advantage of it. Dating five different guys at one time is what she did. It was easy for her. But she took bitchy to a whole nother level and screwed over the one person that never in a million years would deserve that kind of treatment. And I couldn’t forgive her for that.

“We aren’t friends.” I spat before turning around and making my way back into the apartment. Gabe and Travis were moving around furniture when I walked in. Gabe’s eyes snapped up to meet mine and I forced down the bile that rose in my throat.

“Where’s Nik?” He said, lifting one end of the couch.

I shook my head, “I couldn’t find her.” Lie.

He shrugged, “She must have gone back to the car or something.”

“Do you need me to do anything?” I asked and a pang of guilt hit my chest when a huge grin spread across his face. “Ice.”

Twenty minutes later, I was struggling to pull large bags of ice out onto Gabe’s balcony. It makes no sense to me why Gabe would subject his guests to 40 degree weather just to get a beer. Given, his apartment isn’t large enough to house both his guests and his liquor, but still. I heard the sliding door open behind me and I smiled when Travis leaned down to help me carry the sack of ice and dump it into the cooler full of beer cans.

“Thanks.” I smiled.

“She speaks.”

I laughed, “Yeah. I’m sorry about earlier. I was just…surprised.”

“About the song?”

“About everything,” I moved to stand up and he followed suit, towering over my small frame. “Mostly about the fact that you can sing.”

He looked down, a smile forming on his face. “That, I am still working on.”

“No.” I shook my head. “You’re really good. You have a nice voice.”

“So then the song didn’t freak you out.”

“A little,” I admitted, and his smile dropped. “But it was a really good song. It was beautiful.”

“Thanks.” He said and I scanned his features. He offered me a smile and I smiled back. “The apartment is starting to fill up so we should probably get back in there.”

I nodded grabbed a few beers from the cooler and handed him one before following him back through the sliding door and pulling it shut behind me. Almost immediately, a group of familiar faces in the corner of the room pulled me into a conversation about what I did over Christmas and how my older brother was doing. I answered their questions, smiled when everyone smiled, laughed when everyone laughed, and accepted every beer handed to me. It’s almost like things were back to normal. After a few hours, I found myself sitting on the couch and sipped on what felt like my hundredth beer. I spotted Nicole in the corner of the room, hanging on Gabe’ss arm while he told one of his jokes to a drunk crowd. Her eyes met mine and she quickly looked away. Everything felt heavy and I curled my body so that my legs were folded up beside me and my head leaned against the back of the couch. I closed my eyes for a few minutes and let the calmness of everything settle in. For once in a long time, everything felt okay. I felt okay.

The couch shifted in front of me and I opened my eyes to see a concerned Travis sitting next to me. “You okay?”

I nodded, moving so that I was cross-legged and directly in front of him. “I’m good. What about you? Are you good?”

He laughed, moving his beer up to his lips. I knew that he wasn’t as drunk as me. He was never drunk to the point that he lost control. He was always looking out for everyone. “I am. I’m good.”

“You are.” I said, pointing at him. I could hear myself slurring my words, but I didn’t care. I was drunk and I knew it. “You are so good, Trav. You know that? Why are you so good? You’re so good and you’re good to me. Why aren’t we together? We should be together instead of all the crappy people I usually stay with. You’re a good one. I need good.”

“You are drunk.” He said, eyeing me warily. I could tell that what I said had caught him off guard. I could see it on his face, and that made me smile. “Why are you smiling?”

I shrugged, “You’re just funny.”

“I’m funny.” He said, scanning my face and pulling the beer from my hand.

I nodded, watching as he moved the beer to the coffee table in front of him. “You are. People don’t think you are, but you’re so funny to me. I don’t know, maybe I’m just drunk.”

“Maybe?”

“Do you see what I mean?” I laughed, pointing at him as if to prove a point. His lips curved into a smile. “You should tell everyone else these jokes like Gabe does.” My eyes widened and I gripped his arm as if my idea was the best thing I’ve ever said. I moved to stand to my feet.

“Everyone! Guys, come listen to Travis tell jokes. He is hilarious. Everybody, come sit over here and listen to him.” I yelled and Travis was quick to his feet, turning me to face him.

“Alright.” He said, scanning the room and waving people off as if to say that I was only kidding. He turned to face me again, an amused smile on his face. “Okay, you need to sleep this off. Come on, let’s go.” He said, his hand moving to my back as he guided me through the crowd of people towards Gabe’s bedroom.

“But I like it out here.” I said. I tripped over my own feet and stumbled forward. Travis caught me and I let out a snort, leaning into his frame because I was laughing so hard. At what, I have no idea. Everything was hilarious.

Travis’s arm was my only support as he guided me into Gabe’s bedroom. I looked around and was surprised at the fact that it was cleaner than usual. Nicole was probably the reason for that. He would do anything to impress her and Lord knows he was not the biggest neat freak. But for Nicole, he would be and do anything.

It was hard to see anything. Travis didn’t bother turning on the light switch when we walked in because he was probably too busy making sure I was walking in the right direction. He was the only thing supporting me right now and I’m pretty sure if he wasn’t holding me up, I’d collapse and fall asleep wherever I landed. Travis’s foot got caught against the leg of the nightstand and we both stumbled forward onto the bed. I couldn’t help the giggles that erupted from my lips. Falling was funny, walking was funny, breathing was funny, everything was fucking funny.

Travis moved me so that I was curled up on the top of the bed, my head resting on the pillows. After he made sure I was okay, he moved to stand up, but I pulled him back down so that he was sitting beside me on the mattress.

“Can you just stay here until I fall asleep.” I said. My voice sounded so child-like. It always does that when I’m drunk. I have no control over it.

After a few seconds of debate, he nodded and moved so that his back was up against the headboard. It was quiet. I looked past him on the bedside table and saw a framed photo of Gabe and Nicole. It looked like they were at a park or something. Gabe is so sappy, he would have a photo of him and Nicole on his bedside table. They looked happy. They were happy. He was happy. He is still happy. He doesn’t know what she did.

“Can I ask you a question?” I said aloud and Travis didn’t move to look at me. Instead, he stared straight forward, his breathing becoming even.

After a few seconds he nodded. “Sure, Chels.”

“Why do people do things to hurt the people that make them happy?”

He sighed, his hand moving to rub the stubble on his chin. He was quiet and after a few minutes passed by, I thought he wouldn’t answer me. He surprised me. “I wish I knew.”

I moved so that I was on my knees facing him. He didn’t move to look at me, instead he just continued to stare straight ahead. I was that for him. I was the one hurting him and he does make me happy, but not in the way that Dexter does. Did. Travis cared about me. He still does, he cares about me. In a perfect world, I would be with him. In a perfect world, I would allow myself to be with him. In a perfect world, we would be together. But this isn’t a perfect world, and nothing makes sense.

I moved closer to him so that my face was only a few inches from his. He tensed, but he didn’t move. I moved to straddle his lap, my legs on either side of his waist. His eyes met mine and he shook his head. “Don’t.”

I ignored him, slowly closing the distance between us. I shut off all thoughts that told me to listen to him, to stop while I still could. I ignored them all. When my face was merely inches away from his own he shook his head and whispered, “You’re drunk.”

His hand moved up to my shoulder to stop me but I grabbed his wrist and slowly pulled it down to my waist. My hand moved to cup his cheek, my fingertips running across the stubble on this jawline. “We can’t.” He pleaded, tightening his grip on my waist.

Both my hands reached up to cup his face and I connected our lips, silencing him. My hands moved to the back of his neck and I pulled him closer to me, deepening the kiss. He tasted like cigarettes, something I expected but really thought I would experience in this situation. I never really thought about this situation at all. Thinking wasn’t what was driving me right now, it was feelings. Here he was, someone that genuinely cared about me, someone that would never hurt me. He was here, in my arms, right in front of me, and I wanted to love him. I wanted desperately to love him, to make myself want him. My hips rocked against him and his grip on my waist tightened to stop my movements. “Stop.”

I shook my head and ground them against him once more.

“Chelsea.” He hissed and I broke the kiss, looking down into his eyes. I did a sharp intake of breath when I took in his expression. He was sad, like it pained him to be with me like this. He couldn’t have me. He knew he could never have me. And the thing is, I knew it too. “I want this. Believe me, I want this. But not like this. You still love him. And I’m not going to be that guy.”

I leaned away from him, my legs still straddling his waist. I watched him watch me and I know what he was talking about. It hurt me to see him like this, so conflicted. But he was right. I knew he was right. I just wish it weren’t true.

“I wish I loved you.” I said. He licked over his lips and nodded.

“Yeah.” He let out a breath of air and nodded. “Me, too. Let me take you home. I barely had one beer. And I should probably get back anyway.”

I moved off his lap and let him stand up from the bed. He helped me down and followed me out of the bedroom. I wasn’t as drunk as I was a while ago. I was able to walk without tripping every two seconds and I wasn’t giggling anymore. I said goodbye to Gabe on my way out and he made a drunken scene about how great a cousin I was and how much he loved me. I fought the bile that rose up my throat and made a joke about how it wasn’t my choice to be related to him before following Travis out the front door.

The drive was quiet and I thanked him before getting out of his car. He told me that Gabe would probably drop off my car in the morning and I thanked him again. I didn’t know what else to do besides thank him. I could’ve apologized, but I know that’s not what was going to make up for everything. I offered him a smile before I made my way into the Café and he smiled back. He would always smile back.

I was able to make my way upstairs without tripping over myself or breaking my neck, so that was enough of an accomplishment for me.

At first, I thought I was seeing things. Like how some drunk people think the ground is moving or things like that. But when I got closer, I realized it was real. He was real. And he was standing right in front of my door, waiting for me. Medical scrubs and all.