I'll Be Right Beside You

Cam

“Are you serious? He hasn’t called or anything?” Rosa asked for the third time. She’d asked it the first time just conversationally, but hadn’t seemed to believe me even when I’d repeated myself twice afterward.

“Nothing. We literally haven’t talked since we got into that fight,” I replied, picking at some loose threads on my shirt.

“What a douche bag!” she hollered, her face tinged with pink as she got angry. “What a fucking douchebag. Look, I know you’re head over heels for him, but damnit Cam you can do better than that! Even his little brother checks on you more than he does!” she ranted, and I felt the tears well up in my eyes once again.

“Rosa,”

“No! There’s no way that he gets to not call or anything and have you crying over him! That’s not okay! And he is not worth it, at all!” she insisted. I’d cried almost every night since it happened over him, and usually it was with Rosa, or Jared over Skype. I hated feeling like I wasn’t even worth an explanation; if he was going to end things I wish he’d just hurry up and do it, like somehow that would make it hurt less. I knew it wouldn’t, but I could at least pretend for now that it would be easier to just know rather than wonder.

“You listen to me, right now Cam,” I bit my lip, trying to keep it from trembling as I fought to keep a sob down. “He is NOT worth all of those tears, not if he can’t even call to give you a fucking explanation. Not worth it. I never thought I would ever say it, but even Jared’s better for you. He cares enough to constantly check on you, without ever being aggravating or too overbearing, and it’s obvious he cares about you. You deserve someone who will treat you the way he does versus the way his brother does,” her voice was firm, and I wished that I could cling to her words and believe them. But as desperately as I wanted to, I just couldn’t make myself believe it.

“Rosa, I don’t blame him. I wouldn’t want to be stuck with me either. Not when he wants things that I can’t give him,” I whispered, and she shook her head, pulling me into a hug.

“That’s not true Cam,”

“But it is – he wants kids, a family, and sooner than later. I’m not ready to give it all up yet. He doesn’t want rough and tumble, not when people will compare me to Lindsay and Tanya. I know what they say, and I know how I’m the disappointment of a significant other compared to them; they’re both beautiful and smart and they’re always there for Marc and Eric to come home to. That’s what Jordan wants and I can’t give him that,” I was sobbing now, unable to control it.

“Well then he isn’t right for you; relationships are about give and take. He can’t expect you to give everything and for him to not reciprocate,” she murmured, and held me until the only remains of my crying were the god-awful hiccups.

“I think I’m going to go lay down,” I mumbled, and she nodded.

“Okay – if anybody calls I’ll tell them to call you back later. Unless it’s Jared or James – I know,” she grinned, and I managed a weak one in return before I retreated to my room. I pulled my pillow to my chest, using it to silence my tears and crying as another wave of pain hit me. Jordan was the only guy I’d ever loved, and I’d given him everything that was mine to give. Was wanting a few years playing the sport I loved in the league I’d dreamed of since childhood too much to ask?

My laptop made a funny noise, and I saw Jared requesting a Skype chat. I debated declining it, but knew that the goofy red-head would make me feel better, even if just for a little while.

“Hey Ca— what happened? Are you all right?” he immediately asked. I nodded, a broken sob coming out before my words.

“I’ll be fine. What’s new?” Jared was the only person who would just drop the obvious conversation and talk about whatever I wanted, and I was beyond thankful for that.

“Not a lot – Skinner got hit again, Doc’s worried he’s got another concussion,” he sighed, and I immediately felt awful. Jeff was only a year younger than me, and had already suffered a major concussion.

“That’s awful! You’ll have to tell him get well for me, okay?” Jared nodded, and began to tell me about all of the random things that had happened today that he could think of, which did help distract me for a little while.

“So, uh, I was thinking, when you come down to play us you should stay at my place,” he blurted, catching me off guard.

“Uh, sure? Won’t that piss off your brother?” I asked, and he just shrugged.

“He can shove it up his ass for all I care. You’re my best friend, and I haven’t seen you in way too long,” he answered matter of factly, and I had to chuckle at him.

“Well then… Friends marathon?” I suggested, making his face light up.

“Hell yes! And I’ll even buy ice cream,” he taunted, making my stomach rumble slightly. I’d hardly eaten anything today… it had been one of the harder days where all I wanted to do was curl up in a corner and never come out.

“That sounds awesome Jared – I can’t wait,” I quietly replied, and found his smile to be contagious. There was something about him that could always cheer me up, no matter what.

“That’s my girl! I miss seeing you smile,” he admitted, making my cheeks heat up. Rosa’s earlier words haunted me, but I shook them off. I loved Jordan, even after all this, and Jared… he was Jared.

“Thanks? I think?”

“Definitely a compliment Cam. Well, I better let you go – Mom’s got Marc texting me that she wants me to go on Skype, and you know I’m too cheap to buy the full version where I can chat with more than one person at once,” he rolled his eyes, and I nodded, before saying goodbye to him and closing my laptop.

“Cam?” I turned to see Rosa sticking her head in the door, two mugs of cocoa in her hands. I scooted over so we were each sitting on a side of the bed, and pulled the covers over our legs while we sipped our cocoa.

“Thanks so much Rosa – I really appreciate it,”

“It’s nothing. So… talking to Jared?” she asked, and I nodded, a little surprised that she’d guessed it so quickly. But then again, he was one of the few people I Skyped with, so it shouldn’t have been such a surprise.

“Yeah, he was just letting me know what was new. Jeff’s probably got another concussion,” I answered, and she grimaced.

“That’s nasty – poor guy,”

“I know,”

“You know, you always look happier after you’ve talked with Jared,” she mused moments later, and I shrugged.

“He’s always in a happy mood – and some days he works pretty hard to try and cheer me up,”

“Must be nice having someone willing to try anything and everything to be there for you,” she shrugged, and I raised an eyebrow.

“What do you mean? You’ve got me, Vero, Becka, your friends from work… you have lots of friends who would do that for you,” I asked, and she shook her head, trying not to laugh.

“Cam, the boy must like you – I don’t know any guy who would do the things he does for you without having feelings,” she answered, which left me flabbergasted. Jared couldn’t like me like that, could he?

“I think you’re full of bullshit,” I replied, making her snort.

“Sure Cam – you’re just blind as a bat when it comes to this shit,” she rolled her eyes, and I would’ve elbowed her had we not been holding hot chocolate.

“Whatever. You and Nealer are way worse,” I scoffed, and grinned triumphantly when her cheeks turned red.

“Now who’s full of shit? I told you there’s no way he likes me,” she mumbled, tracing the design on her mug.

“He’s fucking crazy about you! I’m going to set him up on a date with you and you’ll see exactly what I mean,” I responded, making a mental note to do so. We talked a little more, before I pulled my laptop over so we could watch a movie, both of us too lazy to get up and walk to the living room.

“Have you ever thought about it?” Rosa asked, neither of us really paying attention to the movie.

“Thought about what?”

“Breaking things off,” it felt like a weight in the bottom of my stomach as I processed her words. I couldn’t end things with Jordan; I loved him.

“N-not really,” I told her, and she shrugged.

“I was just wondering, I mean, after all of this shit… and you told me this isn’t the first time you guys have fought about this… I don’t know if I’d be able to stick around. But I’m not you, and I get that. I just don’t want you to feel trapped, like you have to stick with him because of all of the things you’ve been through together,” she answered, and it sent my mind spinning. Was I holding onto him because he was the first guy I’d ever loved, or said I love you to? I was sure I still felt the same towards him, but if I really thought about it there was a little bitterness there, which I attributed to our current situation, but was that enough to end a year’s worth of relationship?

I didn’t see the rest of the movie, I sat there stewing over this new information, playing with my Claddagh ring, and when the show was done Rosa slowly got up and left for her own bed. I sat fiddling with my phone for nearly an hour before getting up the nerve to open a new message. I’d always bitched about and berated people who did this, and now I was one of them. But I’d never have the courage or strength to do it in person. I’d melt over those blue eyes and his soft smile, and that would be it; I’d come home bawling because we wouldn’t solve anything. I’d be in no better place than I was right now.

‘Jordan, I’m sorry to do this over text, but I can’t do this. I can’t give you what you want and I’m not going to totally change who I am. I love you, but this obviously isn’t working, so I want you to be happy and find someone who can give you what I can’t. – Cam’

My finger trembled as I pressed the ‘send message’ button.