I'll Be Right Beside You

“Hey, it’s okay,” I sobbed against Jared’s chest, feeling like the most terrible person in the world. Claude had called – just like he’d said he would – and I’d figured that I could keep a hold of myself long enough to have a quick conversation. Instead I’d broken down and started to cry, and while I’d insisted I’d be fine Claude was now on his way to Pittsburgh all the way from Philly to check on me.

“No, it’s not. I’m an awful person Jared – I told Claude that I can’t do a relationship and he’s such a nice guy and I’m leading him on and then there’s Jordan and—”

“No; listen to me. You are not an awful person, okay?” he asked, cupping my cheeks and forcing me to look at him. “You’re just in a rough place right now, all right? But things will get better. You’ve got me, Rosa, Vero, Becka, James, and you’ve got Claude. You told him how things would have to be, and he understands. He wouldn’t be doing this if he didn’t want to. He cares about you Cam, and you need to stop beating yourself up about people wanting to make sure you’re okay.”

I leaned heavily against him, wondering how he could get so damn philosophical at times like these. If this was the right thing to do why did it hurt so much to think of somebody being in my life who wasn’t Jordan? Jared’s simple explanation was because I loved him. But if I loved someone then it wasn’t all right to try to have something with someone else, so I didn’t know what to do.

“I wish I could help you Cam – I wish I could make you stop hurting,” he murmured, kissing the top of my head softly.

“Jared, you’ve helped me so much – you’re always there for me,” I insisted, but he shook his head. He was just as bad as me, if not worse, for beating himself up about things. I think that’s why we understood each other so well.

“I’m not there enough; it’s not the same as like this when I can hold you and wipe the tears off your face, or tickle you when all else fails,” he argued.

“But it’s more than anybody else has done,”

“That doesn’t matter Cam – I care about you a lot, and to me it’s not enough. I don’t feel like I do enough when I call you and you’re in tears and I can’t do anything to fix it,” he pushed the hair off of my face and tucked it behind my ear, nearly in tears himself as we talked.

“You can’t be so hard on yourself Jare; you’ve done so much for me,”

“But you’re still hurting, so it’s not enough,” he countered, and suddenly it was like time began to slow down between the two of us. I knew in my stomach what was going to happen, although neither of us would have ever imagined that it would. His green-tinged eyes searched my face, resting on my lips for just a second longer than anywhere else, and he leaned in slightly. He cupped my cheek gently, and for an instant our lips met.

There was nothing. Absolutely nothing.

Jared pulled away then, resting his forehead against mine, and immediately I felt even worse. I told Claude that we couldn’t be together because of Jordan, but it was okay to kiss Jordan’s little brother? I felt dirty, like I was going to be sick.

“I’m sorry Cam – I shouldn’t have done that,” he whispered, and I just buried my face against his neck, not sure of what else to do right now. He wrapped his arms around me and pulled me close, resting his chin on top of my head.

“It’s not your fault Jare; I didn’t push you away either,”

“I just… with everybody thinking we should get together I wanted to know, I guess. But if that was any indication I think this is all we’re supposed to be,” he managed a small chuckle, which brought a tiny grin to my face. I was surprised, we didn’t feel awkward and there was no tension in the room, as I’d thought there would be. It wasn’t an intense kiss by any means – he’d just pressed his lips to mine – but I figured things would still feel different.

“I understand Jared,” I told him, and he sighed.

“And don’t you dare feel bad about this – just because Jordan’s my brother doesn’t mean you’ve done anything wrong. You’re single, it’s okay to kiss someone else,” he immediately added, reading my thoughts.

“Pretty sure that’s against the bro-code or at least some kind of rules,” I argued jokingly, and he chuckled.

“Well, Jordan can kick my ass if he wants. I’m pretty sure twelve year olds kiss worse than that,” he teased, making both of us laugh and groan at the same time.

“You’re such a goof,”

“That’s why you love me,” he grinned, and I sighed.

“I know, I know,” we both laughed again before we laid down on my bed, me cuddled into my best friend.

“Maybe… shit I hate to say this… maybe you need someone else for a bit. Maybe it would help you decide about you and Jordan,” he suggested, and I shook my head.

“No, that wouldn’t be fair to whoever it was, Jared,” I argued, and he shrugged.

“Well if he knew he was that guy it wouldn’t be unfair,” he reasoned, but again I shook my head, knowing he was talking about Claude. We laid there, losing track of time until there was knocking at the door. It was the first night I was back in my apartment, and I knew that without asking Jared would stay, just because it would be hard. The last time I’d been here had been with Jordan, and while we’d spent a lot of time at his place anytime spent here since coming back to Pittsburgh had always been together.

“I’ll get it,” Jared told me, getting up and leaving me feeling cold and to my own thoughts, a mistake in itself. It only took moments for what had happened to wash over me again and I was basically in tears when he returned, Claude hot on his heels.

“Cherie, come ‘ere,” Claude immediately scooped me into his arms, and while I wanted to resist found that I couldn’t. I needed somebody, and Claude wanted to be that person. Jared gave me a small smile, before excusing himself to the spare room – Becka had long since moved her stuff out of there and Jared had put all of his things in there not long after I got home.

“Claude, you didn’t have to do all of this,”

“But I wanted to – I wouldn’t be ‘ere if I didn’t want to be,” he soothed me, softly rubbing my back. I let my head fall to his chest, the gentle, steady motion of his breathing oddly comforting as I began to feel drowsy.

“Go to sleep Cam – I’ll be ‘ere when you wake up. You don’t ‘ave to go at t’is alone,” he whispered, and with that I finally let myself doze off.