I'll Be Right Beside You

“Well, you’re staying with me until you’re feeling better, all right?” I asked, helping Jordan to sit down on the couch at my apartment. He’d been in the hospital for fifteen days, before they decided that he could leave. After talking with the Staal’s we’d decided he shouldn’t be on his own – not when he still had a lot of holes in his memory – and so I’d offered my apartment.

“You’re sure Cam? I mean, I get it if you don’t want me here… after everything that happened,” he trailed off, running a hand through his hair. I hadn’t had the stomach to get into the details that he wanted to know, so all I’d told him was that we’d broken up and it had been kind of messy, but I’d left it at that.

“Of course Jordan – I wouldn’t have offered if it wasn’t,” I told him with a small smile. He returned it before I went to the kitchen and got him a glass of water. He’d had a few different instances of his memory returning – when Geno, Sid and Marc walked into the room we’d all panicked as he’d basically passed out, only to return to consciousness mere seconds later, and had a half-assed idea of who the guys were. He still couldn’t wrap his head around the fact that he was an NHL player though.

“Sometimes I worry that you still would,” his statement was quiet, but I still heard it. I handed him the glass, and watched as he shakily raised it to his lips. His right hand was better than his left, but the tremors were really bad, even in his good hand. We sat quietly for a while, before I turned the TV on, and flipped through the channels until I caught sight of Supernatural. Becka and I watched it while we were still in Manitoba, and well, what is there to say? Great show, great actors, and well, Jensen Ackles, Misha Collins, and Jared Padelecki are pretty easy on the eyes to boot.

“What show is this?” Jordan asked, and I began to explain the general idea of the show. He nodded, before turning back to the TV, watching intently, and then began to laugh as a shirtless Dean was woken up in the hotel room.

“Oh, I see why you like this show,” he teased, and I laughed, before pretending to be offended.

“Have you seen these guys act? They’re great, and the story’s fantastic,” I argued.

“And that guy’s built,” he added, a playful grin on his lips.

“It doesn’t hurt,” I shrugged, and he laughed again, leaning back into the couch and truly relaxing as he continued to watch the show. I only spent half of my attention on the trouble that the Winchester brothers were getting into this week, while I kept my eyes on Jordan. He seemed fairly happy and relaxed, which was good. I kept waiting for another onslaught of memory like the last one – he’d had a sudden migraine hit him, before spouting some random information that had Jared and Marc both worried before realizing what was happening.

“That’s actually a decent show, minus how much they try to show off the two main characters,” he decided, turning to me to see what I thought.

“I love it – I mean, there’s so much going on, and while it’s really deep into religion and heaven and hell and stuff it’s still just a show about two people who aren’t perfect, you know?” I asked, and he nodded.

“Yeah, I know what you mean,” he agreed, before looking over to me.

“Did… was it my fault? I know you don’t want to talk about it Cam, but I have to know. I know how I feel about you… and I don’t think that forgetting stuff would change my emotions, you know?” he asked, and I looked down at my hands, finding that they were shaking slightly.

“I don’t know what to tell you Jordan. I think we both contributed a lot to it, but it…” I trailed off, not sure what else to say. I heard his movement, and soon felt Jordan’s arms hesitantly wrap around me.

“I’m sorry… I know I probably went off the handle and said things I didn’t mean, and then got too angry to sit down and think about it,” he apologized.

“Jordan—”

“You know it’s true,” I could hear the hint of a smile in his voice, and while I knew it was against my better judgment I leaned into him. It felt so comfortable and familiar; I could have stayed there forever.

“Do you feel that?” he whispered.

“What?”

“How… I don’t know… right, this feels?” he asked, and after a moment I nodded. I couldn’t deny it or lie about how it felt.

“Yeah, this is how we’ve always been,” I told him, and felt him swallow hard.

“Would you ever forgive me for what I did?” he asked, and I closed my eyes against the tears.

“Jordan, we can’t do this. Not when you don’t know what went on. Maybe… maybe when you’re better and your memory is back we can talk about it, but until then, can we not? Please?”

“Okay,” he quietly agreed, hearing the pleading tone in my voice. I couldn’t handle this right now; Jordan would never have just placed every single ounce of the blame on his shoulders the way he just had, and I knew it. I knew it was something else playing into it, and it hurt. Sure, the Jordan I knew would have taken most of the blame, but not without pointing out my temper as well.

“I think I’m gonna go lay down for a bit… are you okay for a while?” I asked, standing up and trying to put some space between us. Jordan nodded, and I could tell from the look in those blue eyes that he knew something was off, that I wasn’t just tired.

“For sure, of course,”

“Thanks. Just, uh, wake me up if you need anything,” I mumbled, before all but bolting for my bedroom. As soon as the door was closed I leaned against it, breathing hard and trying to keep the tears at bay. Finally I knew that I couldn’t, and reached for my cell, pressing speed dial as I did so.

My best friend’s voice was an immediate comfort, but Rosa also knew that something was wrong as soon as I said hello.

“I just don’t know if I can do this,” I admitted, sliding to the floor as the tears started in earnest.