I'll Be Right Beside You

“So, did you guys want to do anything today?” I asked as I took our plates back to the kitchen after our late lunch. Jordan shrugged, and Jared’s expression got a little sheepish, tipping me off that there was something he hadn’t told me yet.

“Jare?”

“Well, I just, should probably get some skating or a workout or something in… but it’s not major; I mean, it’s not a big deal,” he tried to shrug it off, but I wasn’t about to let him do that. He’d worked so hard to finally get the call up to play with the Hurricanes and I wasn’t about to let him push his own aspirations to the side just so that it would make life easier on Jordan and I.

“No, we’ll go down to the rink for a bit,” I argued, and after a moment he caved and agreed with me. Jordan got changed into jeans and a sweater while I threw on a hoodie and some socks, because I’d been too lazy to put any on earlier. Jared borrowed one of my gym bags and put some workout clothes as well as his shoes in it, before deciding he was good to go. I’d forgot that he didn’t have any skates here with him, but maybe he could borrow a pair from one of the guys.

We all got into my car – not an easy feat with the two Staal brothers – and were soon at CONSOL. A lot of the guys waved or stopped to say hello, even though Jordan didn’t have a clue who most of them were. I think that was the hardest part for them; the fact that someone who’d been their friend for six years didn’t have an inkling of who they were anymore. He recognized Sid, but aside from that he didn’t really know who anyone else was that was there for an optional skate.

“Getting a workout in?” our captain asked Jared, who nodded as he awkwardly followed me into the Penguins locker room. He’d obviously never really been in here, and felt out of place without seeing the Hurricanes logo on everything.

“Yeah, that’s the plan,” he agreed, and Sid smiled.

“Did you need a pair of skates?” while Jared was a little embarrassed Sid quickly had a pair of skates ready for him to use. After gearing up he was soon out on the ice; Sid and Tanger staying to run some drills with him while I tied Jordan’s skates for him. His hands were still too shaky for him to get them tight enough, and from the way he hung his head while I helped him I knew he felt ridiculous about it.

“Hey,” I tipped up his chin with my fingers, forcing his blue eyes to meet mine. “When I hurt my ribs playing shinny with you guys you untied my skates for me. You know what you told me? That everybody needs a little help sometimes; now’s just your turn to need a little help.”

My quiet words brought a nod, and he shakily stood up. I helped him out to the bench, where he insisted he wanted to just sit for a while. After his reassurances and Jared and my teammate’s invitations to come play two-on-two I left his side, feeling like myself again as I stepped onto the ice and took a few long strides. This was home for me, and this was where things felt like they could maybe make sense and be normal again.

After about twenty-five minutes we had Jared working up a good sweat, and I kept glancing over to Jordan. He looked like he almost wanted to join us, but every time I asked he refused. It took me a while to realize what it was keeping him sitting out; he was scared. Scared that he wouldn’t be able to skate, scared he would embarrass himself in front of the people he knew to be his teammates. Scared that he’d let us down.

“Come on; time to get you back out on the ice Jord,” I skated up and held my hands out to him to take. He shook his head violently, but I grabbed his giant, mitted hands and gave a tug, ushering him to stand up. When he got to the ice he stood and stared, long enough that I wasn’t sure he would actually step onto the ice that he’d so loved before the accident.

“Cam what if I can’t do this?” he asked, his voice a hushed whisper, his fears making his deep baritone tremble ever so slightly. I squeezed his hand and offered him a smile.

“You’ll be fine Jordan – nobody’s going to think anything of it if you wipe out, and nobody’s going to think any differently if you can’t skate just like before. This is just for you,” I insisted, and after a deep breath he let go of the boards to take my other hand, and finally took that hesitant first step. He nearly put too much weight on his right foot, sliding a little bit as he tried to compensate for the discomfort in his left leg, but in an instant he’d regained his balance, and finally brought his other leg onto the ice. His knees wobbled a little and his ankles weren’t perfectly straight, but it was a good start. He wasn’t on his ass like he’d obviously expected to be.

“There you go; nice and slow,” I coached him, skating backwards, in front of him. He kept his eyes trained on his feet as he took tiny, choppy steps; the same kind that Parker took. My hands were completely covered by his; his tight grip hiding the worst of the shake while also helping me to keep him upright as we made our way to the far boards.

“You’re doing fine Jord; take a deep breath and relax. Nobody’s going to care if you aren’t whipping out your old fancy footwork right now,” I teased, bringing a tiny grin to his face. Soon we were moving at a slow pace across the width of the rink, avoiding the three men running drills at the other end. Jared needed a real, full workout, and thankfully Sid and Tanger were willing to put him through his paces and let me spend this time with Jordan.

“Looking good bro!” Jordan smiled for the first time when Jared called to him from the other end of the rink, a broad smile across the redhead’s face. Sid echoed his agreement, and Tanger nodded, grinning to himself while Jordan and I continued our slow trek toward the goal line. More than once he’d nearly tipped himself, but each time Jordan had caught himself, and after taking a deep breath had continued to put one foot in front of the other. His left leg was still bothering him a little, but the pain must have been pretty minimal because he didn’t say a word about it.

“There you go Staalsy! Getting right back to form!” we both turned to see Dan watching from just inside the tunnel, a similar smile on his face. Jordan grinned before returning his eyes to his feet, determined to make a lap of this half of the rink. I waved to our coach, who returned it and left shortly afterward.

“I’m gonna let go of your hands now, okay?” I asked, and alarm was suddenly all over Jordan’s face.

“No, what if I fall?” he asked.

“Then we pick you back up and keep going; you’ve been doing fine Jordan. You’ve hardly even needed my help,” I insisted, but he continued to argue with me. Finally I skated to his side and took just one hand, deciding this would be the happy medium he thought he needed.

“Here,” his small smile told me all I needed to know, and with a soft bump of my shoulder against his arm he started taking slow steps again. My hand was in a near death grip, as Jordan was obviously afraid of wiping out. However, he made it all the way from the backboards to half without so much as a stumble, which had Jared skating over to give him a hug.

“You’re doing awesome Jord; I wouldn’t have been able to even put skates on,” he admitted, hardly loud enough for me to hear. Jordan hugged him back, the shake in his hands hard to see with his mittens on.

“Thanks Jay,”

“Well, I’m gonna go shower up; you two take your time. I’ll just come sit on the bench after,” Jared told us, and after we agreed he took off down the tunnel with Tanger. Sid then wrapped Jordan in a hug, and I could’ve sworn his eyes were a little watery. Becka had told me how torn up Sid had been when Jordan was in the hospital.

“Good to see you Gronk; we’ve all been really worried,” he told his best friend. Jordan just offered him a small smile, not really knowing what to say.

“He’s been doing awesome; leaps and bounds,” I stepped in, and Sid’s smile grew, before a text that had to be from Becka took his attention and had him saying goodbye.

“Are you going to practice tomorrow?” Jordan asked, swinging his feet a little.

“Yeah, I probably should – I haven’t gone since you had your accident,” I nodded, and saw him cringe a little.

“I’m really sorry Cam, you shouldn’t have done all this for me. You shouldn’t have just put everything on hold… not after all that happened,” he insisted, and I shrugged before pulling him into a quick one-armed hug.

“Don’t worry about it Jord. But um, if you’re up for it I really think you should come to practice. It would mean a lot to the guys to get to see you, and I think you’d really enjoy it,” he thought on it for a moment, before nodding.

“Yeah, I think that would be really cool,” he agreed, before slowly sliding off the boards back onto his feet, and giving me an impish grin.

“I’m gonna go across by myself,” he informed me, before slowly setting off across the ice. I stood and watched, and when he did manage to lose his balance and topple over he laughed, looking over his shoulder at me. I rolled my eyes before skating over and helping him to his feet, and leaning into his embrace when he wrapped his arms around me.

Moments after he pulled away and continued, letting out a whoop and slowly turning around with the help of the boards when he got there. I stayed at about halfway across, smiling and clapping for him when he celebrated getting there. He made his way back to me, and wrapped an arm around me before announcing he was done skating for the day. I helped him to the locker room and got his skates off, and saw Jared watching, a mixed expression on his face. I offered him a smile, which he returned, but I wasn’t sure it quite reached his green eyes. Jordan then asked excitedly if we would take him skating after hockey practice tomorrow, and with a laugh Jared mussed up his hair and told him yes, the exact same way Eric would for Parker. It hit me a little hard how this had changed their dynamic so much; Jared went from being the baby brother to looking after Jordan, and I knew if this was hard on me it must have been near impossible for him to handle.

“Feel better?” I asked Jared when Jordan went to go find the bathroom. He nodded, and after a noticeable moment of debate wrapped his arms around me. I leaned into him, smelling a mix of old spice body wash and whatever the hell shampoo he used.

“Yeah – it was really good to get on the ice again. I think Jordan really enjoyed it too,”

“Yeah; did you see him skate across the rink by himself?” I asked, and Jared pulled away slightly, his eyes wide.

“He did? Really?”

“Well, width-wise. But yeah, he got there all by himself. Only fell down once,” I explained, and Jared’s smile grew, becoming natural.

“That’s awesome Cam; you have no idea,” his voice was a little rough, and I was sure if I looked up at him he might be fighting off some tears. Instead he pressed a quick kiss to the top of my head and pulled me in close.

“I have a pretty good one,” I grinned, making him chuckle before he pulled away. Jordan had taken a while, so we went looking for him. We found him in the hallway, gawking at all of the pictures of the team up on the walls. He turned when he heard us, and even Jared’s arm around my shoulders didn’t dampen his excitement.

“Did you see this? It’s me!” he gasped, before turning back to it. “Top penalty-killer of the 2009 Stanley Cup Champion Pittsburgh Penguins… is that true?”

“Yes Jord – it’s true,” I nodded, and his wide eyes somehow got bigger, making me laugh a little.

“No way,”

“Yes way!” I argued, and when he walked over Jared wrapped an arm around his brother as we slowly continued down the hall, letting Jordan take his time looking at everything.

“This is so cool,” he grinned like a little kid, before nearly running to the next plaque, while Jared and I followed along behind, content to let him take everything in. A fifteen minute long walk later finally got us to my car, and Jordan offered to crawl into the back, stretching out and yawning. Jared hopped in beside me, and after a discreet look back toward his brother he reached over for my hand. I didn’t really know what to do. Did I give Jared a chance? I mean, I knew I still loved Jordan – I was sure that I always would – so I didn’t know what to do about all of this, if I even felt that way about Jared. More than that I really didn’t want to end up hurting my best friend or losing him in the process.

-*-

I started the coffee maker for the boys before making myself a cup of tea and curling up on the couch with The Hunger Games. Becka and Vero had both praised it, so I’d finally picked up a copy to read. I just hadn’t had any opportunity or time to start reading it. I loved books for the simple fact that when life felt like it was getting out of control or too much to handle I could lose myself in someone else’s and forget about mine for a little while.

“Morning,” I looked up to see Jordan awkwardly standing in the hallway, as if he didn’t know whether he was welcome to the rest of the apartment. I smiled, and waved him in, the smell of coffee catching his attention. He pointed shakily toward the coffee maker, making me laugh before nodding. Once he had a cup of coffee he came into the living room and sat down on the other end of the couch, slowly bringing his feet up underneath his body.

“Did you sleep okay?” he asked.

“Yeah, I did. I think I fell asleep on the couch though,” he nodded before taking a careful sip, not wanting to burn his tongue.

“Yeah, Jared said he’d make sure you’d get to bed,” was the quiet explanation he offered before taking another sip. We sat in comfortable silence for a while, Jordan finishing his coffee while I sipped at my tea and read my book. Our practice was a later one, so we were in no rush to get up and get ready.

“Excited for practice?” I asked, and he eagerly nodded, sitting up a little straighter.

“I’m so excited! I can’t believe I get to watch a real NHL practice,” he gushed, bringing another smile to my face at his childlike excitement.

“Very exciting,” I agreed, and when he pouted at me I gently nudged his knee with my foot, letting him know I was being silly. I offered him the TV remote, and he quickly found a music video show to watch, making sure the volume was turned down so as not to wake up his little brother.

It wasn’t until nearly quarter after ten that Jared came stumbling out, still rubbing the sleep out of his eyes. Jordan said good morning, getting a grunt in response before sitting between us on the couch and then burying his face in my neck. I knew he was feeling shitty now, and wished I could make it easier for him, but I had no clue how to comfort him.

“How’d you sleep?” I asked quietly, getting a sigh in response. Jordan gave me a questioning look, and I shrugged, hoping he would just leave it alone. I didn’t need both of them to be upset, especially not when we were expecting Henry and Linda today.

“That good?” Jordan asked, and Jared lifted his head just enough to give his brother a slightly dirty look, before dropping his head back to my shoulder. We sat like that for a while longer, until I patted Jared’s back a little harder than before so he would sit up.

“Okay; we’re going to find something to do until practice. First of all – one of you two get in the shower,” I decided, and after a moment Jordan got up and made his way to the bathroom. As soon as the door shut Jared’s arms were back around me, his face buried in my neck as his breathing got a little ragged.

“Shh… Jare it’s okay, it’s okay,” I murmured, but he shook his head.

“No it’s not; I’m a terrible person. And even worse I don’t even know if I care… how can I do this?”

“Jared you are not a terrible person, okay? Look at everything you’ve done for Jordan, and to help me out. You’re amazing Jare, don’t forget it, all right?” I asked, and after sniffling he nodded, lifting his head. Before I could hardly even react he’d gently pressed his lips to mine, and when he pulled away leaned his forehead on mine.

“Okay,” he whispered, and pecked my lips once more before cuddling back up the way he had earlier. He caught me so off guard it’s like I had turned to stone. I couldn’t move, I could hardly breathe as my brain tried to process what had just happened, that Jared had just kissed me. Kissed me. Talk about throwing a fucking curveball into my world. And as bad as I felt for how Jared was feeling, I knew in that moment how I felt about the situation.