I'll Be Right Beside You

I woke up feeling differently than I had in a long time. I was still having a hard time comprehending the fact that Cam had actually came out here. I knew she had put it off for as long as she thought she could, but I knew that my brothers had been hounding her about it since the end of the season. Also knowing that I was the reason keeping her from here had been about as bad as everything else.

I couldn’t help it though, I loved her and I’d do anything for her, I knew that wasn’t going to change, and wasn’t any different than before my accident. Except now there was a chance I might not ever be able to return to the NHL, and I had to accept that and move from there. Parker had asked if I could coach his hockey team in Raleigh, and I didn’t want to disappoint him, but if Cam would have me back, I’d move to Pittsburgh and find something there.

I got up and made my way to the barn; we’d turned it into a gym a while ago – right before my accident - so that we could all train together during the summer if we wanted to. I liked being able to do that, but sometimes I liked being in here by myself. It gave me time to think, where it was just the sounds of weights moving and nothing else to distract my thoughts. And my thoughts kept drifting back to one thing – Cam. I’d had little bits and pieces of memories come back, but nothing substantial enough to really fill me in on the last five or so years of my life that had suddenly disappeared from me. Mom had been letting me go through all of our photo albums, to see if that would help, but all it did was hurt worse. There was so many important things that just seemed to have been wiped from my brain; Marc and Lindsay’s wedding, my nephews being born, winning the Stanley Cup… it was like I’d just ceased to exist for five years and so much of the things I cared about most were stolen from me.

Especially when the memories I had of the person I cared about most were still there, and I’d all but lost her.

That was the unbearable last straw. The one thing that had been able to really hold me together were the memories I had with Cam – there was a few of us out at the farm, I sort of remember pieces of being in Manitoba with her, then at my house, the lake, and pieces of us being in Pittsburgh even though it hadn’t really made sense to me where we were – and then had the bomb dropped that it was the parts I didn’t remember that changed everything. When Claude had came into my hospital room and started losing it I had this unexplainable sinking feeling in my gut, like I knew something bad was going to come of it. Turned out I was right – not only had I just met her current boyfriend, I managed to screw up the whole relationship for her.

But I still had this tiny little hope that maybe she still had feelings for me. The way she talked to me after Claude left, the way she stuck with my family while I was in the hospital and brought me into her apartment to look after me had me hoping and wishing that maybe there was something left. I don’t think she would’ve put up with me for as long as she had if there wasn’t. That was kind of what kept me holding on since the accident and coming back to Thunder Bay. She’d called and texted regularly, and Skyped with me, all the things she didn’t have to do and yet still did.

“You’re up bright and early,”

I nearly jumped straight out of my skin at someone’s voice behind me. After recovering I turned around, Cam leaning against the doorframe with a small smile on her face. I knew my face would be bright red, and instead of teasing she just chuckled and walked over to sit beside me. It took a moment, but soon we both began to laugh and she leaned against my shoulder, something I really hadn’t seen coming. But I couldn’t say I didn’t enjoy it; it was a lot closer to the way we used to be around each other.

“Got a lot on your mind?” she asked quietly. I nodded, still staring ahead and out the huge glass window and patio door we’d installed into the sidewall. The light was just losing the colors of sunrise, but the fields and trees looked amazing outside. It never ceased to amaze me just how beautiful moments like these could be.

“Yeah, seems to happen a lot now,” I nodded, surprised when Cam did the same.

“I know what you mean. It seems like there’s always a million and one things to do and worry about anymore,” she sighed, sounding like the weight of the world was resting on her shoulders. It still hurt, knowing she was struggling with things or upset, and I knew that the connection we had would probably never completely fade away, at least not for me.

“When did you guys do all this?” she asked, her voice soft in the quiet morning that was around us. It was easy to forget she wasn’t as in the loop with our lives as she usually was. Or had been, I guess.

“Earlier this spring – we figured then it was central for all of us and then I got the okay to really train and everything again, so it worked out real good,” I explained, and she nodded before turning back to me.

“That’s cool. I heard about that – you look like you’re almost back in NHL shape Jord,” her voice was quiet and I knew she felt a little embarrassed saying it but felt she needed to. I was glad she’d noticed the effort I’d been putting in.

“I’m pretty close – the skating… not so much yet. I’m really slow and a little wobbly still, but they said that’ll come. I guess the doctor I had didn’t expect me to even be able to really skate again – he figured the damage that was done up here was too much,” I pointed to my head for a moment, and her eyes widened.

“Oh my God, that’s awful!”

“Well, he was wrong, and that’s what matters,” I shrugged, not wanting her to get too worked up over it. I’d been upset when he’d told me I would probably never play another NHL game again, but seeing as I didn’t really remember playing them I figured I would try to take it in stride. Parker was getting into hockey and would probably need a coach this year, so I figured I could maybe do that. It would be better than sitting around and doing nothing all season like last year.

“So, are you planning to come back or…?”

“I don’t know Cam. I don’t know if I can… I mean, there’s so much I have to relearn, and I have to be able to skate a lot better… and aside from that my contract will run out. I won’t even belong to a team by the time I’d be ready – if I ever am,”

“Ray and Mario will resign you if you’re ready and want to play Jordan, I mean it. You’re a huge part of the team, and they’d love to have you back, if that’s what you wanted,” she insisted, and after a moment I nodded.

“I guess I’ll cross that bridge if I get there. Right now I know I couldn’t keep up; and I’m not going to make an idiot of myself out there. B-besides, Parker’s hockey team might need a coach this year… and um, I might be able to do that,” I told her, hoping that she’d think that I wasn’t too caught up on the thought and that it wouldn’t worry her.

“That would be cool, Parker would really love that,” she agreed, with a tiny smile on her face. “So would you get your own place down in Raleigh or…?”

“I don’t know… haven’t thought that far ahead about it. They don’t even know for sure if they need a coach,” I pointed out. We sat there quietly, both of us letting the new information sink into our brains.

Instead of worrying over it I pulled her in close, wrapping my arms around her and resting my chin on top of her head. She let out a long breath and all but melted into me, both of us closing our eyes and all but basking in the moment. This was what I remembered us being like; so close, almost like we were one person split into two.

“I’ve missed this,” the words slipped out of my mouth before I knew it, and I felt my face turn red, waiting for the rejection that would come. I knew we needed to talk through everything before I could even ask for a chance, and I knew this was out of line.

“Me too,” the whisper hardly reached my ears, and had me stunned for a few moments. Did I imagine it?

“Really?”

“Of course I do Jordy; I mean, we were such a huge part in each other’s lives, how could I not miss it? You were my best friend, my teammate and my boyfriend. You were pretty much my everything,” she explained, and I swallowed hard. I was everything until I had apparently fucked it all up.

“And I screwed it all up,” her big, stormy blue-gray eyes turned to me, tears nearly welling up in them.

“No, don’t say that Jordan,” she reached up to cup my cheek, and I relished the contact, even though I felt guilty about it. “It was both of us, don’t ever say it was all your fault.”

“I’m pretty sure it was more my fault than yours – everyone seemed to be pissed at me and the way I acted or handled it or whatever,” I insisted, knowing deep down that it had to be true. I may not remember what happened, but my gut still knew what feelings to attach to the thoughts of it.

“Can we not talk about this? Please?” Cam begged, turning those eyes back to me for a moment. “I just really wanna enjoy this. We haven’t got to sit and talk like this in forever.”

I nodded, choosing to not speak up and do as she asked. I’d missed being around her constantly about ten minutes into my flight back to Thunder Bay with my parents.

It must’ve been nearly an hour later when I heard one of my brothers come into the gym. We both turned to look, and saw Marc’s face heat up slightly when he realized he wasn’t alone in the building.

“Oh, sorry – am I interrupting?”

“No, we’re just hanging out,” Cam assured him, a small smile on her face. Marc returned it, before raising an eyebrow at me as Cam turned around and stood up. I motioned for him to not say anything, and he rolled his eyes before dropping his gym bag and towel and heading for the treadmill. Cam stretched, her back letting out a few pops before turning back to me.

“Wanna go for a run?” she asked, and I nodded, feeling a smile growing on my lips. It was an invitation to spend more time together and I’d take what I could get.

“You’re just gonna leave me here?” Marc immediately complained, and Cam laughed as he put on a pout for her. Everybody calls Marc serious and mature, when really in truly he acts about the same as Jared. And he gets even worse around Cam.

“Well no – can’t leave my big brother behind now can I?” she teased, and with a grin he made his way over to us. I hadn’t realized she still called him her big brother, but it was kind of nice to know she still felt like a real part of my family.

“Let’s go then before it gets too hot out,” Marc was all but ushering us out the door, and we headed onto the grid. We all managed the four-mile run without too much difficulty, and let ourselves into the house just as mom was hollering to the rest of the household that brunch was ready. While we’d been gone Eric, Tanya, the boys, and Jared had all arrived.

We walked into the kitchen, sweaty and probably a lot grosser than mom would have liked for a meal, and then Cam had a beaming smile on her face. It took me a minute to realize what it was for, when it occurred to me that Jared might not have even told her. Hell sometimes even I forgot, because it was still new and all.

He’d brought his girlfriend, Natalie, over for brunch. She was sitting quietly beside him, looking grateful that Lindsay and Tanya were working to include her in their conversation. We’d only met her maybe once or twice, so she was still pretty shy around the whole crew. They’d only been dating for a couple of weeks, so for her to already have met everyone was a pretty big thing for him.

“Oh, uh Cam, this is Natalie,” Jared quickly spoke up, his smile softening as he looked at Nat. “We’ve been dating for a few weeks.”

“Hi! It’s so nice to meet you! I’d give you a hug but I’m kind of nasty right now,” she gushed, shaking her hand instead. Natalie smiled at her, and I knew Cam had immediately put her at ease.

“Thanks; it’s nice to meet you too. I’ve heard a lot about you,” Natalie smiled, and Cam grimaced.

“Oh no, what kind of horror stories did these boys tell you? They aren’t true, I swear,” she insisted, getting a giggle out of the older girl.

“All good things, I promise,”

“So are you from Thunder Bay?” she sat down next to Natalie and immediately began a conversation. I could tell Natalie was beyond nervous talking with her, and then I realized maybe what Jared had said about her – or hadn’t – had spoke volumes to her about the role Cam had in our lives. Whether or not she knew about the feelings he’d had for her, Natalie must have caught on that Cam was a huge influence. And she probably worried that if she didn’t get along with Cam it could impact her relationship with my little brother.

I mussed up Cam’s hair as I made my way downstairs, nodding when my mom told me breakfast was all but ready. I quickly changed my shirt and washed my face, wanting to feel a little better before rejoining everyone for what would undoubtedly be an extended breakfast.

Coming back upstairs I could pick out Cam’s voice from the din of my family’s conversation, and just as I remembered she blended so well, it was like she had never been anywhere else. It put a smile on my face as I rejoined everyone, and I could see the private, half-smile my mom wore as I settled into the chair beside her and put my arm over the back of it as I added my two cents to the talk of playoffs last season. It felt right, and familiar – something that I had struggled to find since the accident. So many things felt so foreign to me even when I knew that they shouldn’t, and it had caused a lot of problems in adjusting back into life after the accident. My parents didn’t know what to do to make it easier for me, and I didn’t know how to make it any better either. But having Cam around seemed to let me relax regardless of what was going on. She was the only reason I kept my sanity during the remainder of the hockey season when it was just me and my parents on the farm. It got a little easier when they all came back, but it was still too weird and too hard to wrap my head around things some days. And I had to worry about rehabbing and therapy on top of all of it.

But I didn’t want my parents jumping to the conclusion that we were together again and making life awkward for her while she was here. That was only going to kill any chances I had of getting back the parts of the life I remembered I used to have, and I wasn’t going to let that happen.