Hesitate

The next day Corey had dropped Griffin off with Mick and Shawn so he could go by the store and see if his wife (he loved saying that word about her….wife…..) wanted to go grab a couple drinks and maybe a bite to eat. He walked around the store a good minute before you realizing she wasn’t there. He stopped Jaret, who was busy stocking magazines, to ask him what was up.

“She left about an hour. Said something about visiting someone for their birthday.” Jaret told him.

He was puzzled for a second then he knew exactly where she’d gone. “Thanks, bro. Catch ya later.” He waved as he left the shop to go find her.

It had been awhile since he’d driven out this way. He’d forgotten how curvy the road was and how set against the hills and grass in the outskirts of Des Moines. He parked his car in the gravel parking lot and began trudging up the steep hill. Once he reached the top, he saw her sitting there on the ground and could faintly hear her talking to the headstone perched in front of her. He stood there for a minute not wanting to interrupt but eventually forced himself to approach her.

“Hey.” He whispered hoping he wouldn’t scare her.

“oh,” she turned to see him. “Hey. HOw'd you know I was here?”

He nodded, “Jaret told me…..well didn’t tell me…..just said that you went to see someone for their birthday. I figured it out from there…Can I sit with you?”

“Yeah. Go ahead.” She smiled. “I was just talking to Paul.”

“That’s cool.” He said kissing her forehead when he sat down. “Cupcakes?”

“Oh yeah,” she laughed fondly. “For his birthday. I’ve been doing it…well…for two years now.”

“I didn’t know you guys were that close.” She moved her head up and down. “What made you do the cupcake thing?”

“A promise I made him.” She started. “I was with him…..on his last birthday.”

“You were? He told us that-”

“He wanted to be alone?” Corey nodded. “I was with him. No one knows this but we spent a lot of time together. A *lot* of time.” She started to cry and he wrapped his arms around her in an effort to give her some comfort. “I miss him.”

“We all do. I do every day.” He said still holding her.

“You know……something will happen and I’ll think….I wonder what he would say…or do…or what he’d think. I talk to him sometimes.” She said faintly smiling and wiping the tears off her cheek. “Don’t look at me like I’m crazy, but I do. He always had really good advice to give. He knew what to say and when to say it.”

He was unsure if he should delve more into her relationship with Paul but he was dying to know. Like she said, no one even had any idea that they were even remotely close friends.

“He did. He was real smart.” He began nervously. “When you say you spent a lot of time together, what does that mean?”

She bit her lip in contemplation of how to answer that question then the words finally came out. “We were…uhh……seeing each other? It was for a couple months or so....remember that night at Craig’s birthday?” He nodded and she continued. “I gave Paul a ride home that night because…well you remember what all happened. Anyway, when we got there, he invited me in and we started talking. It was weird. Like you said we hadn’t been very close and hadn’t really talked a whole lot before that night…..but I really liked talking to him for some reason. After that, we started talking more and hanging out all the time.”

“Why didn’t you ever tell anyone?”

“I don’t know. We didn’t really know what we were doing. We didn’t want this whole stigma around us….and I think some of it had to do with you.”

“Me?”

She nodded her head, “Yeah…..he knew how close you and I were and I guess….he didn’t want to freak you out or piss you off or something. I guess maybe he knew I was in love with you from the very first night I met you and I guess he also had feeling that…..well, nevermind.” She blushed. “but you were off limits. You were always off limits. Like I said…..we started talking…and realized that we had a lot more in common than we both realized and that we both kind of wanted the some of the same things.”

He smiled, “I’m glad you guys had that time together. So, what’s the cupcake promise all about?”

“I was with him on his last birthday….spent the night with him….i brought him this cupcake from this bakery in town. It was this huge fucking cupcake.” She laughed. “He loved it. He said it was the best birthday present he’d ever had. And he told me he loved me and wanted me to be there for all his birthdays. So, I promised him that I’d be there for every single birthday and bring him one of those cupcakes.”

“You were in love with him, weren’t you?”

“I was.” She nodded looking up reading his name with a smile. “He gave me this ring.” She said pointing to the claddagh she always wore on her left pointer finger. “I really thought that maybe we’d be together…..for a long time.” She started to cry again.

“Shh. It’s ok. I’m sorry.” He hugged her again and kissed her temple.

“I was supposed to have been with him that night, Cor.”

“What do you mean?”

“The night before they found him….I was supposed to be with him. He’d gotten that room for us….and I had vendors crawling all around the store…..they wouldn’t let me leave….I called him to tell him that I couldn’t make it. He was so disappointed……then you called me that next day and told me what happened...I’ve always regretted that….I should have just told those assholes to leave my store….and I should’ve left and went to see him….but I didn’t…..maybe if I had…”

“Look at me.” He commanded. “There is nothing that you could’ve done. Ok? And in no way was it your fault. You have to believe that. He sure as hell wouldn’t want you thinking that way.”

“You think he’d be happy for us?” she whispered.

“I know he would. In fact, I bet he had something to do with all this.” He smiled. “I think he wants us to take care of each other.”

They began to feel the cool touch of small rain drops on their faces and arms and sat there for a while before it started to get heavier.

“Are you ready to go?”

She nodded, “Yeah, I’m ready. Thanks for listening to me.”

“Anytime, baby.” He smiled as he moved her bangs out of her face. “Now, let’s go before we catch pneumonia…”