Today's the Day

Today's the day

I love you

That’s your very first thought every morning, because the first person you think about is Alex and how much you love him and how bad you want to tell him.
But you can’t. So you keep on thinking about him. Everyday. Every hour. Every minute.
Alex is also the last person you think about before you go to sleep at night and sometimes you even dream of him.
Perfect happy dreams. Because in your dreams it is okay to love Alex. It’s okay to tell him that as often as you want to.
And in your dreams he requites your feelings. You’re happy. Both of you.
But the reality is different. In reality Alex loves Jack. And deep down in your heart you know that Alex will always love Jack. Only Jack. Nobody else. Not even you. Especially not you.

I love you

It doesn’t help that Alex and Jack are having some sort of a crisis at the moment.
Every time you hear them fight, your heart fills with hope, but again and again it shatters because they always make up. It’s just a question of time until they do.
You know that, but somehow your heart doesn’t want to accept it.
And right now it’s really bad because Alex and Jack are fighting again. It all started this morning; they arrived hand in hand in the studio but were discussing something. And during the course of the day it has gotten even worse.
Right now they’re screaming at each other and the topic of their fight’s not even the new album, no, Alex screams at Jack because he’s always late, disorderly and just an idiot, while Jack just tries to defend himself.
Zack and Rian are looking at you, seeking for help but you’re not here as their tourmanager, you’re just someone who visits his friends in the studio during their recording process.
So there’s nothing you can do and if you’re honest with yourself you don’t even want to do anything. Because your heart’s beating hopefully in your chest. It shouldn’t, you know that, but you can’t help it.
“So everything’s my fault now, huh?” Alex screams, but you are just so lost in your thoughts that you don’t recognize that every look is now on you. Hopefully, seeking for help, like you could do something to end all of those stupid fights Alex and Jack crusade against each other.
“So what do you think Matt?” Alex voice is softer now, calmer, while he speaks to you.

"I love you"

The next second everything stands still, while you notice what you’ve just said. Your eyes are going wide, while you stare at Alex, who’s got the same expression on his face, while Jack grabs his hips and pulls his boyfriend close to himself. His gaze now hostile, while he looks at you with small eyes.
“Fuck” and with this word you turn around and leave. Run away as fast as you can.
Those words were never meant to say out loud. Nobody should have ever heard them, not even Alex and especially not Jack.
He’s your friend, even if you’re jealous since he has Alex and you not, he’s still your friend.
Jack should have never heard that you’re in love with his long term boyfriend.

I love you

These words are still in your mind, while your cheeks are burning and your mind is running a mile a minute.
Things will never be the same again. You know that. Not with Jack, nor with Alex.
Probably they’ll avoid you for the next few months or even years.
That thought scares you to death. You can’t live without them.
Your heart skips a beat, when you hear steps behind you and you’re too scared to turn around.
“Hey.”, Alex’ voice sounds nervous, while he grabs your shoulders and spins you around, so you have to look into his eyes.
“I’ve been searching for you.”
You swallow hard. “M’sorry.” Sorry for anything. For lying all those years and for ruining everything.
“What for? You can’t fight feelings Matt. It’s okay. There’s nothing to be sorry for”, Alex mumbles and looks straight into your eyes. “But: I love Jack and I’m sure that’ll never change, even if we fight a lot at the moment. I love him and he loves me.
So it’s my turn to say sorry. Sorry that I will never requite your feelings. I like you as a friend, but not as anything more” And you can see that Alex’s honest with you.
And it hurts. It really does. And you know that it is going to hurt for a while now, but maybe now, that the truth is out, it is finally time for a new start.

♠ ♠ ♠

Thanks for reading!