Why Do You All Hate Me?

I woke up the next morning and grabbed the soda, putting my ear to it, finding it flat. I opened the can and took a sip, feeling it slide down my throat. Once I finished it, I tossed it into the trash and headed downstairs.

My mom sat on the couch, watching the news all dressed for work.

“Good morning Karissa, how was your day yesterday?” She asked, getting up and giving me a hug. I bit my lip at the pang of pain from my back.

“You know, same ol same ol.”

She nodded and sat back on the couch. “Oh and Johnny stayed over last night, if you make breakfast make enough for you, your brother and Johnny. I'm off to work soon.”

I sighed “Okay.”

She gave me a smile as I left the room and went into the kitchen. I made scrambled eggs, toast and bacon. Fucking jeezness I love bacon!

“Bye honey, I love you. Kiss you're brother's forehead for me!” Mom called.

“Bye, love you too and probably not!” I called back, hearing her laugh before the front door opened and closed.

I loaded up the final of three plates and set them all on the table, with ease; a waitress would be shamed.

I got the orange juice out and set it on the table, getting out three glasses and putting them in front of the plates, I got out napkins and silverware also, setting them out.

I went to the bottom of the stairs “OH MY GOD ZOMBIES!” I cried like I was being massacred. In a flash Matt bolted down the stairs with Zack's metal baseball bat looking so shocked and ready to bash a zombie face.

Johnny trailed out of the room rubbing his eyes, looking down at me sleepily.
I laughed, clutching my stomach. “Not funny Karissa, one day that's actually gonna happen and I won't believe you and you'll get you're ass eaten.” He smirked.

“I'm sure I'll be fine.”

Matt headed to the kitchen at full speed, having caught a whiff.

Feeling brave I looked up at Johnny. “Hey, food.”

His eye's widened and he bolted down the stairs, shoving me as he passed. I ran backwards into the brick of the fire place, it smacked my back and sent me to the ground panting for breath.

Have you ever had the wind knocked out of you? If you haven't be glad, if you have you know how I feel.

It's like all the air has been shoved out of my lungs, and I cant breathe in long enough to feel better. I sounded like a suffocating fish. 10 minuets or so later, I got my breath back and stood. I painfully made my way to the kitchen to see Johnny eating my food, shoving away his empty plate.

Matt quietly shoveled his food into his mouth, and left the room. I frowned walked over to Johnny, shoving him out of the seat. Feeling balsey I said “Back the fuck off, you ate you're own food. Leave mine alone.”

He stood, face getting red. He shoved me back into the counter so it jammed into my back, he got closer to me and soon was in my face. For a short guy, he's stronger than he looks. “You really think you need that food you fucking pig? You're so fat you make me sick. I don't agree with Brian, you can't be a whore. You must be a virgin because you so fucking fat and hideous. No man would ever want to fuck you. Loose twenty pounds and we'll talk.” he winked and left me alone in the kitchen.

I never felt so violated. Am I that fat? That ugly? What's wrong with me? Everything, that's what. I slid down the side of the cabinet and curled up, balling my eyes out. I just want to die. Why am I so horrible? Why can't I be pretty? Why am I so fucking fat?!

I shakily lifted my shirt and looked at my stomach. It intended a bit, and my ribs stuck out a little. I pinched the skin and frowned. What's wrong with me?

I cried harder and dropped my shirt, curling into tighter ball. I know my sobs can be herd through out the down stairs but I just don't care. Why am I so hideous!?

I stood up, my vision clouded with tears and left the room going up the stairs. But I had to go through the living room where Matt and Johnny were watching TV. I kept my head down and walked calmly through their line of vision, feeling them watching me. I headed to my room where I flopped down on the bed and sobbed loudly unable to keep it in anymore.

I want to die. That's it. I don't have the lady balls for suicide, and I know that playing music isn't enough right now. I grabbed my journal that holds all the things Matt's friends have done and said to me over the years. I haven't written in it for a week, hoping to move on. But now I realize how much help it is, it's a diary of sorts. I record what happened and my thoughts on it. After an hour of writing I've filled it in on the past few day's events.
I feel like a load has been taken off my shoulders, my eyes are dry from crying and I'm thirsty but emotionally I've managed to keep my despair locked away for now.

I need to get my mind of this, but how? A smudge of black on my hand got my attention, I inspected it and recalled Isaac and Ray from yesterday. I picked up my rarely used cell phone and deciphered the numbers, adding both into my list.

I didn't know who to call, so I flicked my thumb over both numbers randomly picking one.

I put it to my ear as it rang, I cleared my throat to hide the fact that I've been crying for the past two hours.

“Hello?” Said Ray's voice.

“Hey, it's Karissa from the other day.”

His voice got warmer and more comfortable “Oh hey.”

“Can we all meet up somewhere?” I sniffed.

“Something wrong?” He sounded concerned.

“No! No, everything's fine I just...want to get out of the house.” I answered a bit too quickly.

“Alright, how about Grove Street park? By the swings?”

Grove Street park isn't far, its within walking distance.

“Sure, sounds great.”

“Okay, Isaac and I will see you there.”

We hung up and I sighed, taking off yesterday's beanie and heading into the bathroom. I showered and dryed myself off, realizing I forgot my clothes in my room. I wrapped my towel around my fat body opened the door, coming face to chest with Johnny. He looked down at me, eyes wide and flicking up and down my body. I slid past him and went to my room blushing. Why did he look at me like that, his pupils dilated and...wait...if he thought I was fat, and ugly why did he look at me like that?

I sat on my bed in my towel and write in my diary what happened today before getting dressed, I wore some of my favorite clothes making sure I did my make up right so I managed not to look like a hooker. I never bother with mascara, my lashes are full, lush and dark enough naturally, I'm quite proud of them actually.

I straightened my hair then teased it a bit where necessary, yeah I did my hair but I'm not sure why.

I went down stairs already in a better mood, moving out of the way when Johnny tried to push me making him snort angrily.
“See you later Matt.” I hugged my brother around his waist, he patted my back probably confused.

“See ya?” He said, letting go. I began to head for the door when I remembered what mom said this morning, I turned on my heel and jogged back to him, he gave me a questioning look as I pushed his shoulders down, so he was bent over and kissed his forehead with my no smudge lip gloss covered lips.

“Love mom.” I delivered her intended message.

He smiled comprehending the situation now. “Your lip shit won't come off of my forehead right?”

I gave him an evil smirk, knowing well it didn't, but he didn't need to know.

I ran out of the house ignoring as he called out to me.

_--

When I made it to the park I was humming My Chemical Romance's I'm Not Okay (I Promise) when I realized thats' what I was humming I quickly switched to Green Day's Wake Me Up When September Ends, but then switched again to Aces High by Iron Maiden because that song reminds me too much of dad.

Suddenly I was hugged tightly from behind, I cringed not only because of my bruises but because I'm so unused to not being hurt when ever a boy touches me.

“Hey Karissa!” Isaac cried happily.

I patted his arms that were crossed over my chest, yeah over my boobs and some how I didn't feel violated. He's too harmless.

“Hey Isaac.” He let go and beamed at me as I turned around to look at him, he wore blue skinny jeans, a Blink 182 shirt that fit him tightly and black Converse.

“Where's Ray?” I asked, when I was captured in yet another behind hug. I giggled “Nice to see you again.” Ray said in my ear.

“Nice to hear you again.” I grinned, referencing to the fact that I could not see him. He chuckled and leg go ,walking to stand beside his brother.

“So, now that hug time has sadly come to an end, wanna go to our house?” Isaac asked.

“And do what?” I doubt he's being sexual but I need to be sure. No matter how nice these guys seem, I have no desire to be gang banged, I'm a virgin and I plan to keep it that way.

Ray face palmed as Isaac blushed, both realizing what I meant. “Oh god no! I mean to play video games or something.”

I smirked “Sure. Prepare to be owned at all of them.”

“We'll see.” Isaac smirked, looping arms with me on my left, Ray looped on my right.
We got to their car that was a Jeep Cherokee, Isaac drove and Ray rode passenger, leaving me in the back. Metallica busted from the speakers and I knew this was the start of an awesome friendship.

_--

Soon we sat in the living room, surrounded by soda cans and bags of chips. We all munched, our eyes glued to the TV that showed the drag race we were having. We were playing some Need For Speed game, and I kick ass!

“Fuck!” Issac cursed as he crashed.

Ray and I laughed at him and kept playing.

I ended up winning, of course. “How are you so good at this?” Ray asked, switching the game in the X-box 360.

“Matt and I used to play all the time.”

“That big guy from the hospital?” Isaac asked.

“Yeah, he's never been like that before. He just got that older brother feeling, you know the 'if you mess with my sister I'll castrate you blindfolded' feeling.”

“Thats no reason to push you into a car.” Ray grumbled.

“I know.” I looked down at my arm, you could see the yellow hand bruise a little. My thoughts drifted to Brian, who gave me this bruise. He always is there to push me or shove me into the counter but I think he's the one that gave me mouth to mouth when I was drowning. I remember watching him spring back when I opened my eyes.

Ew. Brian and I practically kissed. Gross! Well, and least he doesn't want me to die, at least not that way.

“Kari?” I blinked at Isaac's hand he was waving in my face before looking at him. Kari? That's a new one...I like it.

“You kinda zoned out, you okay?”

“Oh, yeah I'm great.” I smiled.

“Thats so adorable!” He gushed out of no where.

“What?” I cocked my head to the side.

“YOU HAVE DIMPLES!”

I blushed and covered my face in my hands. “She what?” Ray crawled over to where we sat on the floor.

“She has dimples!” Isaac beamed.

“No way! I wanna see!” Ray smiled.

I shook my head, still trying to stop smiling with my head in my hands.

“Oh, hard ball huh?” He tacked me and began to tickle me mercilessly. I took my hands off my face as I laughed.

“There they are!” He smiled, getting off me. I giggled and sat up.

“Anyway, we played all the video games so how about we play music?” Ray asked, helping me sit up.

“You play?” I asked.

“We both sing and play guitar, I also play bass.” Isaac said proudly.

“I play cello and piano.”

“You don't sing?”

I shook my head “Not in a long time.” In truth, I sang when when I was happy so I haven't sang much in the past five years. Matt has herd me sing, he was astonished and super proud of me. My mom herd me sing in the shower once or twice.

Maybe I'll sing for Ray and Isaac, I'm totally happy enough.

“Oh, well we have a piano but neither of us can play it.” Ray rubbed the back of his neck.

“Can I play for you?”

They seemed surprised and smiled “Sure, but we play first!” Isaac fled the room excitedly.

“Let's go.” Ray stood and I followed him to the garage were Isaac was setting up a guitar.

“Okay, this is 'Dear Maria Count me in'.” He smiled and began playing and singing into the microphone, I noticed Ray play with him when the time came. I smiled as soon as they started, Isaac has a very youthful singing voice but not too high pitched. Soon I was having a one person mosh pit, hopping around dancing. I took pictures on my phone, and videos when I chilled out.

“Thank you!” He smiled when they finished, I applauded and they bowed.

“Now, Ray's turn. He's very different from me mind you, applaud though he sucks.” He winked at his brother who scoffed, smirking.

I miss playful banter with Matt, now we rarely interact.

Ray grabbed an acoustic guitar and switched places with his brother.

“This is Never Too Late.” He began a melody that intrigued me, his voice was great. Completely different from that of his brother, but just as good but in a different way.

I swayed back and forth, recording and taking pictures. He smiled at me as he sang for a moment, Isaac made faces and grinned.

I was shocked at Ray's range, for having such a low-ish voice. Both of them had distinctive voices and I think both could be in a famous band someday.

When they finished I briefly fan girled making them beam with pride. “My turn.” I went to the piano and sat down.

“Okay, I wrote this shortly after watching the new Alice In Wonderland movie with Johnny Depp. I call it Alice.”

I began, the piano first. I smiled, remember how much of a pain it was to write this. I began to sing for the first time in years, unable to keep the smile from my face.

When I finished, I looked over at them still smiling to see they both had their cell phones out and looked dumbstruck.

“Amazing! Oh my god!” Isaac, fanboy'd I guess you could say.

“That was fantastic!” Ray smiled.

“You don't happen to have a cello do you? I'm really in the mood to sing.”

Ray pursed his lips and looked around “Maybe...yes! I'll be right back.” He jogged out of the room. Isaac ran up to me and kissed my cheek “I kissed a soon to be celebrity!” He threw his arms up triumphantly.

I blushed and smiled.

I taught Isaac the basics of the piano until Ray returned with a beat up cello. “Mom wanted me to learn how to play, I didn't.” He blushed a bit. I turned so I wasn't facing the piano and took it from him, positioning it and taking the bow, tightening it. I tuned it up quickly.

“Can you play me like a-” I hummed the part I always imagined for this song, and went through it all the way.

“Sure.” Ray picked up his acoustic and did as I asked. I nodded “Perfect.”

“I write this a few years ago this is I'm With You.” I counted it off and we began.

I noticed Isaac recording us and smiled at him, singing with as much heart as I could. I've never been as happy! I have friends, no one has picked on me or abused me in the two hours I've been here. I get along with Ray and Isaac like brothers.

Oh...brothers.
That's got to be part of the reason why I like them so much, they treat me like a sister. How a sister should be treated, Ray defended me when Matt pushed me into the car and Isaac never fails to make me laugh.

Yeah, like brothers.

“Who is that song about?” Ray asked.

I frowned for the first time “Uh, it's personal.”

“Okay.” He left it alone.

I wrote that song about Matt when he was out with his friends instead of picking me up from a park in the next town over. It rained like hell and it was freezing, I was thinking about how if a stranger came up and offered to take me away, I'd just go.

I was being a bit over dramatic, but thats when I realized I'd become less important than his friends. That was four years ago.

My phone went off and I lay the cello down and opened the text from Matt himself.

Time to come home, mom's here on break and wants to talk to you.

The best day of my life in years and here's where it comes to a screeching halt. Ugh.

“I got to go home, my mom wants to talk to me.” They nodded and we got in their car. I had them take me to the park, not to raise suspicion with Matt and the Thorton brothers.

_--

I no more than walked into the door and my mom shoved a cell phone in my face. “WHAT'S THIS?!” She demanded, I backed up so I could see it was Zack's phone and it was a picture of me getting the beer from the other day.

That fucking asshole!