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Sequel: Relearning Laura ›
The "You're Not Fat" Campaign
Pure
112 pounds is still too much.
I cannot get that thought out of my mind. It is taking me over.
112 pounds is fat. It is triple digits. It is huge.
My insides are pink and empty and clean and I am still huge.
I don't want to be pink and clean.
I want to be white, pure white, like a skeleton. I want to be pure white bones.
"Laura!" my mother calls. "Dinner!"
I know it is time for dinner.
I have endured the smells of roasting chicken and noodles and vegetables for hours.
I'm not even hungry.
My stomach makes a gggrwlllljkfjlsdkfgjalskdmcmlisejflskf noise I am so hungry I am so hungry I am so hungry.
I curl up into a ball and hug my knees to my chest and rock back and forth, my fingernails digging into my arms.
"Laura!" my mom calls again. I can't move. I can't.
I can hear Mom's footsteps on the stairs and I whisper to myself "Come on Laura come on come on get up come on you can't get caught get up get up get up" and that nasty little voice is joining the whisper come on Laura come on come on get up come on you can't get caught get up get up get up and I am so afraid.
Mom knocks on the door.
"Laura? You awake?"
Perfect. The perfect alibi.
I slump onto my bed, making my body limp, and tug my comforter over me. The door opens and I close my eyes.
"Laura?" Mom says, but she sees me and sighs. She adjusts the comforter so that it isn't so crumpled, then stands back and looks at me. I fight to keep my breath steady and deep, fight to keep my body relaxed.
My dad walks into my room.
"What's taking so long?" he says, his voice loud. Mom hushes him.
"Laura's asleep," she murmurs. "She's been very tired lately. I'm starting to worry about her. She's lost weight."
"I wouldn't worry too much, Maya," Dad says. "She's a sixteen-year-old girl, she's probably dieting, that's what teenage girls do. She looks healthy to me. A bit thinner but nothing to worry about."
Mom sighs.
"I know. I'm a mother, Bryan. Mothers worry. It's our job."
Dad kisses Mom on the forehead and they leave my room.
I let out a long sigh of relief.
I will be pure.
I will be pure if it kills me.
I cannot get that thought out of my mind. It is taking me over.
112 pounds is fat. It is triple digits. It is huge.
My insides are pink and empty and clean and I am still huge.
I don't want to be pink and clean.
I want to be white, pure white, like a skeleton. I want to be pure white bones.
"Laura!" my mother calls. "Dinner!"
I know it is time for dinner.
I have endured the smells of roasting chicken and noodles and vegetables for hours.
I'm not even hungry.
My stomach makes a gggrwlllljkfjlsdkfgjalskdmcmlisejflskf noise I am so hungry I am so hungry I am so hungry.
I curl up into a ball and hug my knees to my chest and rock back and forth, my fingernails digging into my arms.
"Laura!" my mom calls again. I can't move. I can't.
I can hear Mom's footsteps on the stairs and I whisper to myself "Come on Laura come on come on get up come on you can't get caught get up get up get up" and that nasty little voice is joining the whisper come on Laura come on come on get up come on you can't get caught get up get up get up and I am so afraid.
Mom knocks on the door.
"Laura? You awake?"
Perfect. The perfect alibi.
I slump onto my bed, making my body limp, and tug my comforter over me. The door opens and I close my eyes.
"Laura?" Mom says, but she sees me and sighs. She adjusts the comforter so that it isn't so crumpled, then stands back and looks at me. I fight to keep my breath steady and deep, fight to keep my body relaxed.
My dad walks into my room.
"What's taking so long?" he says, his voice loud. Mom hushes him.
"Laura's asleep," she murmurs. "She's been very tired lately. I'm starting to worry about her. She's lost weight."
"I wouldn't worry too much, Maya," Dad says. "She's a sixteen-year-old girl, she's probably dieting, that's what teenage girls do. She looks healthy to me. A bit thinner but nothing to worry about."
Mom sighs.
"I know. I'm a mother, Bryan. Mothers worry. It's our job."
Dad kisses Mom on the forehead and they leave my room.
I let out a long sigh of relief.
I will be pure.
I will be pure if it kills me.