‹ Prequel: Ana
Sequel: Relearning Laura ›
The "You're Not Fat" Campaign
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I have been in the psych ward for three and a half days which means I haven't eaten anything but an orange in 84 hours. I am weak and dizzy but still so fatfatfat fat.
I can't stop moving. I feel manic and jumpy and tired and twitchy and my fingers are pacing along my skin digging into it with my nails leaving red marks on my upper arms and I should be able to feel it but I can't.
My entire body feels weak and wobbly. My hands are shaking and I can't stop them. I am so so cold, despite wearing three sweatshirts and a t-shirt and two pairs of leggings and my sweatpants and both of the pairs of hospital socks that they gave me and I am huddled under the blanket on my bed and I am still cold. It is a cold that is deeper than my skin. It is a cold that runs through my blood and hits my bones and freezes them.
Brittle bones that will shatter like the ice that they are made of.
"Dinner is now being served in the group room, dinner in the group room."
I slowly stand up and hold onto the wall for support as fuzzy blackness zooms in on my brain. I take deep breaths and my vision clears. I need to eat something or else I will pass out again.
You ate at lunch, remember?
But I'm going to pass out if I don't eat something so I am going to eat a little bit of something okay okay.
No not okay you fat fat fat fat bitch
I walkstumblewalk into the group room and sit down. The nurse hands me my tray and I stare at the meal.
Cardboard pizza with greasy congealing cheese. Bread and butter. Syrupy fruit cup. 2% milk.
I can't eat any of this. I can't and I won't.
Tessa is watching me closely. Her eyes are watery and cold. Not a single scrap of food passes her lips. She gulps down ice water and doesn't even bother opening her tray.
I stand and start to go back to my room, but I am moving too fast and my vision is black and fuzzy again but I keep walking.
I can't pass out I can't I can't I can't.
But my head is light and I can't see anything and my hands feel prickly and I have the strangest sensation of falling downdowndown
into black.
I can't stop moving. I feel manic and jumpy and tired and twitchy and my fingers are pacing along my skin digging into it with my nails leaving red marks on my upper arms and I should be able to feel it but I can't.
My entire body feels weak and wobbly. My hands are shaking and I can't stop them. I am so so cold, despite wearing three sweatshirts and a t-shirt and two pairs of leggings and my sweatpants and both of the pairs of hospital socks that they gave me and I am huddled under the blanket on my bed and I am still cold. It is a cold that is deeper than my skin. It is a cold that runs through my blood and hits my bones and freezes them.
Brittle bones that will shatter like the ice that they are made of.
"Dinner is now being served in the group room, dinner in the group room."
I slowly stand up and hold onto the wall for support as fuzzy blackness zooms in on my brain. I take deep breaths and my vision clears. I need to eat something or else I will pass out again.
You ate at lunch, remember?
But I'm going to pass out if I don't eat something so I am going to eat a little bit of something okay okay.
No not okay you fat fat fat fat bitch
I walkstumblewalk into the group room and sit down. The nurse hands me my tray and I stare at the meal.
Cardboard pizza with greasy congealing cheese. Bread and butter. Syrupy fruit cup. 2% milk.
I can't eat any of this. I can't and I won't.
Tessa is watching me closely. Her eyes are watery and cold. Not a single scrap of food passes her lips. She gulps down ice water and doesn't even bother opening her tray.
I stand and start to go back to my room, but I am moving too fast and my vision is black and fuzzy again but I keep walking.
I can't pass out I can't I can't I can't.
But my head is light and I can't see anything and my hands feel prickly and I have the strangest sensation of falling downdowndown
into black.