Not Everything Goes Your Way

Jaime rushed to the hospital, we had to sit and wait for a nurse. Jaime was jumping and shaking being nervous and excited all at the same time. While I was being calm and collected.

I was ready to see Austin’s beautiful little face, and today was the day. The nurse took us back to our room. It was a dull shade of tan with a bed and lots of machines; I had no idea what they did or what they were for. She handed me one of those ugly green gowns and told me to put it on, so I did what I was told. As the nurse was putting IV’s into my arm the doctor came in.

“Ms. Hannah Brown?”
“Yupp,” I responded.
“Well then, let’s have us a baby, how does that sound? And who is this?” while pointing at Jaime.
“My fiance and the father.” As I was saying this he took my free hand and held it tight.
“Well nice to meet you.” Jaime gave a nod back.

The doctor checked how far along I was.

“Only 3 centimeters, we have 7 to go before you can have a baby. Would you like the pain killer?”
I shook my head no, and he said,
“Well, I’ll come back in an hour of two and check again.”
I shook my head and he left.

It was just me and Jaime in the room; it was silent for a second until he spoke.

“I’m so excited to be a father and see her face.”
“This is only the start to our journey.”

A couple hours past, the doctor would come and check but I was progressing slowly, I wanted Taco Bell, so we finally called the guys to let them know, and so they could bring me food.

When the guys showed up they were all smiley, and giggly, waiting anxiously for the baby. They were like parents themselves, but it showed me that they really did care.

I ate the food, and it was great. The next time the doctor came in I was 7 centimeters, the pain was getting worse, but I’m sure I could handle it.

While I was sitting in bed and they guys were all huddled around talking, I felt an uneasy feeling, like something wasn't right, but I brushed it off because we were in a hospital, and they check everything.

The next couple of times the doctor came in, I hadn't even gained a centimeter, but the next time after that I was at 9. One more to go, and then I could see the girl I have been waiting to see for 9 month’s now.

The guys were getting impatient. They all brought a gift for her, Mike had a teddy bear, Tony had balloons saying “Get Well Soon,” he was always bad at determining what you say to people in different situations. Vic brought flowers and a card.

After a while I finally reached 10 centimeters. The doctors and nurses got everything ready because I was about to start pushing.

I finally had pushed enough to where she was out, but something wasn't right, the doctors rushed her to a table away from everyone else. Jaime couldn't see what was going on, nor could anyone else, but everyone had worried faces.

I have watched a lot of scary movies, and quite a few scary things have happened in my life, but none as scary as watching your daughter being pulled away from you before you get to even see her and not knowing what is going on.

Jaime finally squished between two of the nurses to see, when he turned to me all I saw was tears in his eyes. He came over and hugged me, didn't say a word, just wrapped his arms around me for comfort and support while I still had no clue what happened.

Finally after a couple of minutes the doctor turned around. He looked guilty and sad, almost pity in his face. He opened his mouth to begin.

“I am very sorry, but your daughter passed away. This is a very common thing called…”

I stopped listening to everything around me and tried to realize what really happened, I had no daughter, she was gone, and everything pulled away from me. Austin… Austin… just her name made me depressed by itself, it all felt like a dream, not real, I was wishing the doctor would say just kidding, but those words weren't in his vocabulary.

Seconds went by that felt likes years. Before I even noticed, I had a puddle of tears in my lap, droplets streamed down my cheeks like a waterfall, I almost felt dead myself.

Eventually I listened again to the doctor, and just when he was explaining what happened.

“The cord wrapped around her throat in the womb and strangled her, we didn't get a notice because for some reason the baby’s heart monitor wasn't working, maybe a default, we don’t know. All we know is she is gone, we tried everything. I am so sorry for your loss, but before I go, are there any questions?”

I put my face in my hands and returned to bawling; Jaime held me and cried with me. All the guys had tears in their eyes, even Mike.

You never think anything bad can happen, until you lose something you love most in this world, within seconds it can be gone, and sometimes before you actually ever knew the thing.

I spoke up before the doctor left.

“Can we see her? Can I at least hold my baby girl… my dead baby girl?”
“Yes, but prepare yourselves, it will be emotionally difficult.”

Jaime jogged over and picked her up. I knew he wanted to be a dad so bad, he would have done anything for her, but now things were collapsing around him. He handed her to me next.

She was limp in my arms, everything living taken out of her. She looked so much like Jaime, you could slightly see the dimples, and her most important features were all Jaime, conjoined with a little of me.

I never imagined my daughter dying, but right here in front of me was my dead daughter. Before I could have even been a parent I realized how difficult it is to want to always be protective and overlooking of your child, simply because you would never want to lose them but I lost mine.

“Why? Why would this happen to me?” my words sounded mumbled because I was sobbing during words.
“What did I do to deserve this?”
Jaime held me closer.
“Honey, it isn't our fault. We couldn't do anything, we have to grow from this, and we can’t hold back anymore, life is too short.”

Jaime’s answer sounded like it made no sense, but to me every letter and word made perfect sense.

The nurses came in and took her away after everyone said their goodbyes. I had just come to the hospital and already I wanted to leave, it only reminded me of what could have been.

Whenever I took walks I saw all the other parents and their babies, I almost felt guilty because for a second I wish they knew how I felt, but I also knew I would never wish this feeling on anyone.

After a couple of days I finally was able to go home. When we got to the apartment I climbed up the stairs slowly, knowing we had everything out and ready for the third person we were supposed to bring home. When I did get there I closed the nursery door as fast as I could, so I wouldn't see anything. After, I climbed in bed and let Jaime bring the car seat and the bring home baby stuff up to the nursery. Jaime then climbed into bed with me and snuggled up right beside me, trying to comfort me even though it wouldn't work.

Days went by and I only lay in bed, wouldn't eat, only cried, slept, and went to the bathroom. I was depressed for losing something so important. The feelings were like nightmares by themselves, I was miserable and Jaime was right beside me feeling the same way.