Not Everything Goes Your Way

It had been the most depressed I had ever been. Losing something that you loved most in the world was a feeling you could never get rid of.

Weeks went by and I would always feel like something was missing. Jaime and I both tried to get out of the house and do our normal day activities to get our minds off of the daughter we were supposed to be taking care of. Even though I tried, I couldn’t, I couldn’t forget her.

While doing things like working and hanging out with friends, I would always think of Austin, and how if things were different I wouldn’t be doing what I was doing, I would be at home… with her. I felt guilty for being the one that was alive, I felt like she should have took my place, I should be dead, not her.

Jaime and I didn’t really see each other except at the end of the day when we would both come home and say nothing, just cuddle on the bed crying into each other’s shoulders. I knew Jaime was also having a really hard time with this; he spent all his time in the studio playing music or with the boys trying to get his mind off of her.

I figured I needed to get away, go somewhere where I could think. This happened to be the cabin my parents owned in Idaho. I would have invited Jaime if it wasn’t for the fact that every time I looked at him, I felt like I was looking at her. So I took off and drove 14 hours to a place I could be alone.

I finally arrived after the long drive, the first thing I did was turn off my phone, I didn’t want to be reminded of the world, or of her. Before I left I made a note for Jaime and stuck it to his side of the bed, I was sure he wouldn’t care that I was going to be gone for a couple weeks.

The cabin was nice, two bedrooms, nice kitchen, a TV, and a lake that was right below it all, I could also rent a boat from the marina.

On my first night I went to one of the bedrooms, laid down, and did what I normally did, cry myself to sleep.

I woke up the next morning lost but still knowing where I was. It was nice not having to walk by the door and the room that would have been all of Austin’s; I could really get my mind off of her. I made a cup of coffee and snuggled onto the couch looking onto the lake from the floor to ceiling windows. I sat there for hours, not thinking, just sitting. I didn’t want to think, because I knew if I did it would have been of her.

Eventually I decided to go down to the beach and read a book. I put on my swimsuit and grabbed a towel and a book. I laid the towel on a chair and opened up my book. I noticed out of the corner of my eye, a family of three people, a mom, a dad, and a son, I almost started bawling, but I held back everything I could so I wouldn’t make a scene.

I didn’t think that another family could affect me like this, so I gathered my things and walked farther away from them. I didn’t want to ruin a good relaxing day by being jealous of the family I didn't have.
A guy walked up to me and noticed the book I was reading. He commented on the book and called me pretty, and then asked me why I was alone. I didn’t know what to say. He was tall and had brown hair, he was kind of cute, but I knew I had my man at home.

“Oh, well I’m trying to get away from my life back home for a little while.”

He decided to sit down next to me. It was a little awkward but it was nice having company and being noticed for once.

We talked about the common things like favorite music and our favorite books. He happened to play in a band, which I thought was pretty interesting. Before I left he made me give him my number and told me we should hang out again. I waved goodbye and walked back to the cabin.

I felt a little guilty for talking to another guy, but it was casual, and it made me not think about my daughter.

When I got back to the house I ate a bowl of cereal and went to bed.

The next morning I grabbed a cup of coffee and sat on the couch, but this time I thought about what my life could have been. I cried for four hours straight, I didn’t want to but I knew I had to think about her or else I wouldn’t be able to mourn.

I also thought about how bad it hurt when Jaime cheated on me, my pain now was ten times worse, but I really thought about if it wasn’t for her I wouldn’t be with Jaime.

I eventually got up and got ready for the day.

The guy from yesterday, whose name was Jack, called me and asked me if I wanted to grab something to eat at the diner down the road, I knew I had nothing else to do so I went along with it.

He picked me up and we went to eat. Lately I wasn’t very hungry because I didn’t have an appetite since all I did was cry, so I ordered a side salad and water.

We talked for hours about the commons things like our favorite colors, I told him I had a fiancé but he didn’t seem to mind. The one thing I didn’t tell him about was the daughter I could have had. I didn’t really let down any of my walls for him because I was smarter than that.

A week and a half went by and I spent most of my time with Jack. It was nice to not think about home for a while, but every morning I did sit on the couch and cry over the thing I missed most.

Before I was about to drive away I turned on my phone and noticed I had a couple missed calls and text messages from Jaime, I called him to let him know I was coming back.

I felt better about the loss, I still was depressed and sad, but I felt refreshed and like I could still live on.
One thing I wasn’t sure about was me and Jaime. If it wasn’t for Austin, I would not be engaged to him. He cheated on me and that really hurt me, and still kind of does. I always ignored it because I knew it was best for what we had coming, but now I didn’t care.

I also really wondered if I still loved Jaime, or did I just love him because we were going through this together.

When I got back to San Diego and the apartment, Jaime was at the door waiting for me. He gave me a big kiss and hugs and explained to me how he felt a little better about everything, and what he really needed was some space.

I told him about my trip and how I felt somewhat refreshed, I also told him about Jack, but I made sure to mention that I told Jack about Jaime and not Austin, and he felt better about it.

Our lives went back to normal, we both went to work and came home and actually had conversations, we still couldn't bring up Austin though.

One night I finally had to do it,

“Jaime, I really miss her, I don’t think we should just ignore her like it never happened.”

“I know, but it’s really hard. It sucks to know that she will never grow up and have the great parents she could have had. It also really sucks that I missed out on being a father, I was going to be the best, but it’s all gone now.”

I knew where he was coming from, and I felt the same way.

The one thing I did notice during our conversation was that it felt more like friends than a relationship.
Even though I had spent most of my life with Jaime, I knew that it wouldn’t last forever. It sucked because I still loved him, but things weren’t the same after he cheated.

So while he was gone I wrote him a 3 page note, explaining how I felt and that I seriously still wanted to be friends because we had been through a lot together and that I still wanted to keep a relationship with the band.

I left the engagement ring on the note and packed up all my clothes.

Before I left, I went into the nursery. I grabbed a couple of things like a teddy bear and some of her clothes so that I wouldn’t forget her. Not like I ever could.

I knew that this was the right thing to do. I needed to start new with my life. Spending time in the cabin and with Jack really made me think about how I needed to get away from everything holding me back.
I wasn’t doing this for Jack; I probably wouldn’t ever see him again. But in a way he helped me through things he didn’t even know about.

I made one last stop to look around the apartment that we shared. There were a lot of memories, but that’s all they were, just memories. Jaime had changed my life, he had helped me, but at the same time he hurt me in ways I never thought possible. We shared experiences, challenges, and great times. But everything had to come to an end.

I still had a lot to mourn about and a lot to get over, but I knew I wouldn’t be able to do it here.
As I was walking out, I wasn’t just walking out of our old apartment, I was walking out of our lives together, out of the man’s arms I once loved, and I was walking out of the past, and into the future.