Not Everything Goes Your Way

I get back home from Florida, and realize I am so tired because of the trip and also depressed because I have to be away from him for another month.

So in the meantime I figure I should go back to work and maybe get my mind off of my other half who happens to be traveling across the US. A few weeks go by, Jaime and I are calling and Skyping each other all the time to stay in contact.

I realize that I am a week late on my period, and I think nothing of it because it happens often. Jaime is always telling me about how great Warped is, and all of the funny stories that happen between him and the guys.

Talking to him makes missing him a little easier but it is never the same as when I am with him and in his arms. I always feel really lonely sitting by myself in our two bedroom apartment in San Diego, but what can I do when my boyfriend is doing what he loves. I also miss the guys, and always going out to the bars and just having a good time. It seems like as a group they never separate, even when they are home we all get together at me and Jaime’s place, I’m surprised they aren’t all tired of each other half of the time.

Sometimes when I Skype with him the other boys will interfere and take up the screen and tell me all about their trip and ask how it is back in California.

As days go by, I never know what to do, should I shop, should I clean, I usually lay in bed on Jaime’s side and watch TV, that way I can feel somewhat close to him again.

Two more weeks go by and my period is still not coming, at this point I’m worried. I decide to get a pregnancy test and see if that is the answer. At first I am scared to look at the result but eventually I build up the bravery to do it. It says exactly what I didn’t want.

Jaime isn’t ready for a child, he wants to keep pursuing music, and later on get married and have kids, not do that all now.

The first thought that runs through my mind is how am I going to do this, I didn’t really plan on ever having kids, especially with someone who is gone most of the time.

The next thought is,
“How am I going to tell him?” I always felt I could tell him anything, I trust him with everything, he really is the one that knows me best, but telling him something like this is a lot more difficult. I also really don’t want him to worry right now, while he is on tour and having a great time. He can’t be thinking of a child too.

In a week I get to see him again, and I know that’s when I should tell him, but my gut says to wait, at least until the tour is over in another month.

I figure tomorrow I should go to the doctor just to make sure; sometimes the test can be wrong. As of right now, I am more scared than excited to see him, I’m afraid he’ll know I’m keeping something, but I know I can’t tell him the news just yet.

The next day I head to the doctor and get a check-up, just like the test had said, it was positive. I’m pregnant. It hits me like a ton of bricks, I’m pregnant, I will gain weight, and have to watch what I eat, and in nine months have the worst pain in my life, of labor. Then I will have to be a mom for the rest of my life, I don’t even know if I can take care of myself, let alone a baby.

I know Jaime will be a great father, but I don’t know if I can say the same for myself. I need time to take this all in, so I decide to not tell anyone, even as much as it will kill me, not even Jaime.
I find myself questioning if I should tell him, but by the end the answer is always no. To get my mind off of the whole baby thing, I decide to get ready for Jaime to come in a week.

Clean the apartment, stock the fridge, and wait anxiously for the man I love, and will have a baby with.

Before, I have thought of a life together of me and him, and what our children will be like, but I didn’t picture it for another ten years, not nine months. Days go by and I realize the band will be back home performing a show here, tomorrow.

I already know they get that night off, after the show, to relax and spend time with their families. Then the next day they have to leave to go to another venue. I have been getting a lot of morning sickness and migraines; I just hope Jaime doesn’t catch on, even though he knows when every time I lie.

The next day, when I am heading out to go to the show, I am so excited to be with him again, and in his arms, but in the pit of my stomach I am so scared to be holding back such big information.

When they play I sit on the side stage and watch my baby do his thing, I know he is so happy up there performing, he loves being on stage, but I don’t want to ruin all of that by having a baby. The set list is done, and he comes off and sees me.

I know he is happy to be home again, because of the big bright smile on his face. He picks me up in his arms and twirls me around and gives me a kiss, to show me he has missed me too. He puts me down, and goes and says hi to his other family members.

I decide to call up some friends and take the boys out to the bar. The usual we would be doing tonight anyway. We sit around a table and order drinks and tell stories. Usually when I am out with the boys I am drinking just as much as them, but tonight I turn everything down, and blame it on work.

I can tell the boys are having a great time with the band and touring, but in the back of my mind I worry because that might be all over.

Jaime and I decide to call it a night, so we can spend some time together before he has to leave tomorrow. When we get home, he grabs me right away and starts to kiss me. Since I am in the early stages of pregnancy I am not in the mood for anything, so I push away a little to let him now that it won’t be happening tonight. Immediately he stops and looks at me in a puzzling way, I am always up for whatever, he knows it’s not like me.

He steps back and says,
“What’s going on with you? You’ve been acting really stand offish and not yourself since the concert.” I say I am a little stressed out from work, and I’ve just been really moody lately, and ended the conversation there.

I sit on the couch and turn on the TV so we can watch a movie, like we usually do when he is home. He goes and turns off the lights and grabs a bottle of wine and two wine glasses. He sits down right next to me and uncorks the bottle and pours two glasses.

He sits back and puts his arm around me, holding his glass in the other hand. I’m afraid he might catch on now because none of this is making sense, I haven’t had one drink, and I’ve been stand offish.

He looks at me and asks,
“You didn’t have a drink at the bar, and now you won’t drink even wine. Why is that?” I say I have to get up early tomorrow for work, so I don’t want to drink tonight, he doesn’t really question it, and all the fear I had building up races out, because I have made it through all of the questions for my weird behaviors.

We end up falling asleep on the couch, snuggling against each other. I wish I could be enjoying my time with him more, but I am constantly worried he is going to figure it out. I wake up to being nauseous, morning sickness, and run to the bathroom.

The shift in weight on the couch must have woke him, because when I come back he is wide awake, with a look on his face of what is going on. He must have heard me throw up,
“Babe. Why were you just throwing up? You didn’t even drink a drip last night.” I answer by saying,
“Oh it must be food poisoning from the bar last night.” Then he opens his mouth and says,
“But I ate what you ate, off of your plate, and I’m feeling great.”

On the outside I am cool and collected but on the inside I am screaming because I don’t want him to guess it instead of being told. He can’t know yet, he can’t.

I open my mouth and hope something convincing comes out, I end up saying,
“It must have been from lunch, maybe.” The look on his face disappears and so does all of my worrying, I know I can make it through this without telling him.

I go and hop in the shower so I can get ready for work, and he joins me. We both get ready and the usual sadness I would have because he is leaving is nowhere to be found, I am actually a little relieved that he won’t have any other hints to catch on to.

I give him a ride to the tour bus, and see all of the guys there waiting for him. They have to hurry and go so they can make it to the next place.

I get out of the car to say goodbye to the rest of the band, hug each one, and wave at them.

Last is Jaime, this trip was a lot different than our last one, but I will still miss him just as much, I know that Warped will be over in a month and then I can tell him about what might potentially ruin his music career. During the month I will probably think of a million ways to tell him, never coming up with the right one.

He puts his arms around me and I feel the muscles tighten, like he never wants to let me go. I can tell he will miss me, and probably worry about me because of the strange way I acted yesterday. He gives me a kiss, and whispers in my ear,
“You and me are forever, we can get through anything, you are my best friend, and nothing will ever separate us. I love you baby.” All I tell him back is
“Love you too, forever and always.” He releases me and gets on the bus, as they drive away he looks at me through the window and waves. I wave back and wonder what all of that was about.

Then all of a sudden I feel really guilty. I feel so bad, he remembered and I didn’t. He must be so upset that I didn’t even remember, it was my job to know this, but he was the one that knew.

My mind was so busy thinking about everything else that I didn’t even remember that today is our five year anniversary.